After the Before (22 page)

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Alex

Here I am, trying to
be the good guy and climb into bed, not expecting anything from Jasmine, but then she comes out of the bathroom in that short little hotel robe, and all I can think about is her soft, touchable skin underneath. I wipe that thought out of my head as I climb into bed, tossing the sheet over part of my thighs, trying not to notice how beautiful she is and how much I want her at this moment.

I try to focus on the TV, when I finally notice that she hasn’t moved
to get into bed with me, as if she’s stalling. I ask her, “Jasmine, what are you doing?”

“Nothing.” She says and begins to walk over to the bed.

I lay myself back, focusing on the TV again. Staring at the boob tube is the only way I can keep myself focused and off the things I want to do to her right now. When she stops next to the bed and just stands there, I glance at her to see what she’s doing.

Big
mistake.

Huge
mistake.

Gigantic
mistake.

She is standing next to the bed
with nothing on, her robe falling to the floor moments earlier with a soft whoosh. My head snaps around so fast it makes me dizzy. When my eyes finally focus on her and comprehend what I’m seeing, words elude me. She’s is so damn beautiful.

“You see something you like?” She asks shyly.

Hell, yes,
I see everything I like. I see something I’ve been dying to have since we reunited a few weeks ago. My mouth is slack and my eyes are huge. I’m sure I resemble an idiot staring at her like this, but there is little to nothing I can do about it; she has that power over me. Finally, I blink, clearing some of the shock off my face.

“Ja
s.” I begin to retreat, but then realize I’m sporting a massive hard on. I pull the sheets up and over my body, trying to cover myself like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. The gesture has her feeling rejected; it’s written plain as day on her face. I cannot stand for her to feel as if I don’t desire her, because I do… I crave her. Good God, I want her more than anything I have ever wanted. “Jas, we don’t have to. I’m okay with just being here with you.” I tell her, hoping my words will defuse the situation.

No such luck.

“I know. I want more though; I want to be with you.”

She takes my truce and body slams it. She’s beginning to get shy standing next to the bed naked. Honestly, holding out this long has been a miracle. The way she glow
s, standing there naked, for me, is unforgettable. She causes my insides to tangle and flip.

“We can’t…” I start, but who am I kidding, if she takes one more step
, I’m done.

My determination is weakening,
vanishing when she steps closer and pulls back her side of the bed, revealing white bed sheets. The thought of her lying next to me, naked, with nothing between us makes me almost finish without even touching her silky skin.

When the word, “Please,”
comes through her lips, that’s it. My heart shatters, any resistance I had evaporating. She owns me now. More than anyone ever has, or ever will.

I look down for a second, gather my will and then reach out to her. She wraps her fingers around mine and lets me pull her closer. I whisper, “Come here, querida.”

She must see the hesitation in my eyes, when she says, “I want this, Alex. Let me have this one perfect memory of us before we go our separate ways. I want my first to be you, and only you. Please understand this.”

I can’t help but feel like I’m taking something that doesn’t belong to me, but I’m being a selfish bastard tonight. I want to be her first.
I always want her to remember that it was me who made love to her for her very first time. Nobody else should have that honor, or her, ever. She’s
mine
.

I lay her down on the sheets and lean over her, making my intentions clear.
Instead of being the gentleman that I intended, I tell her. “Si, now kiss me.”

She does. Boy, does she ever. Her tongue is hot and finds mine
immediately. I lean my body and my empalme into her, rubbing it on her thigh, letting her know exactly what she’s doing to me. A small smile forms on her lips against mine, and I know that she is happy with herself for this. The bare skin between us warms as we come together, her hard nipples and soft breasts pressed into my chest.

“I love you, Alex. I want you so much.” She mumbles through our kisses.

My heart soars at her words. There is nothing in the universe I would have wanted to hear more than those words. My body has a mind of its own right now, and it’s getting carried away. I put myself in check; I want to take my sweet time with her, no rushing. I will make this moment perfect for her; for both of us.

Even though I’m unable to say the words,
I love you, too
, I show her with my touch, with each kiss, that the words are completely reciprocated. I trace my fingers slowly from her jaw, to her neck, down around her breast, following the rivets of her ribs. All while kissing her in the same slow path.

She sucks in a breath, both from excitement and nervousness. I can sense it in the tightness of her body. “You have nothing to worry about, cariño. I would never hurt you.” As the words leave my mouth, I know the
y’re not true. The first time for any girl hurts.

“I know.” She says through her sighs and breathing.

She trusts me more than any person has ever trusted me before. My heart is in my throat. I swallow around it and continue to caress her, because backing out now would only hurt her more. Besides, there is no stopping now for me, even if I wanted to, and I really, really don’t want to.

Wrapping her arms around me, she digs her nails lightly into the skin at my sides, telling me with her touch that she wants me to continue. I concentrate, kissing her, watching her eyes, breathing her in.

“Your perfecta, muneca.” I brush the words against her belly.

She breaths in sharply and lets out a sexy moan.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Jasmine

When Alex pulls me down to the bed and lays over me, my heart skips a beat. My breathing slows, but is heavy at the same time. The lower half of him is on my thigh, letting me know just how much
he’s turned on. My lips fuse to his, my tongue searching. A small smile forms on my lips as we move them together. Our upper halves finally meet and the sensation sends a searing fire throughout my body.

“I love you, Alex. I want you so much.” I say between our kisses.

His movements are slow, but only for a fraction of a second before he becomes wild, my words igniting a passion within him. He soon gains control of himself and returns to the slow sensual Alex that started.

He draws his hand from my jaw, down the side of my body, ending by
gliding his fingers down my ribs. His fingers are slightly rough, but the feel of them on my skin is amazing. I suck in a breath and moan.

“You have nothing to worry about, ca
riño. I would never hurt you.” He brushes his lips against my skin.

“I know.”

He presses himself against me, moving in slow motions, caressing me with his rough fingers. I wrap my arms around him, pressing my nails lightly into his sides, telling him without speaking to touch me. He complies, kissing me tenderly, his eyes blazing into mine. He is expressing everything physically that he wishes he could voice.

He leaves a fire in his wake as he kisses me down to my tummy, “Your perfecta, muneca.” He whispers gently against my sensitive skin.   

I undulate under him and moan again. Oh, I want him.

He begins his ascend to meet my lips again, stopping off at my breasts, suckling one and then the other into his mouth. The warm wetness and gentle tugging sensation makes me float. I tilt my head back and push my chest out, urging him on. His mouth feels too good
, and my lower half stirs.

Alex spreads my legs with his knee and fixes himself between them. I can feel him against me
as I push my hips into his. My actions make him buckle; trembling on top of me.

I palm his cheek in my hand and he meets my eyes. He’s motionless for a moment, mesmerized. He continues to stare, even after I begin to pull down his briefs. The softness of his bare butt fills my palms and I squeeze
, and he pushes against me.

I need him to take this to the next level. I’m going to pull my hair out by the roots if he continues to move this slowly. He must agree, because he shimmies the rest of the way out of his boxers, leaving us both naked.

He leans up on me, cradling my face in his hands. He’s having second thoughts, but it’s not because he’s not interested; he’s worried. I’ve heard the first time hurts for girls, but I’m not thinking about how much it will hurt, all I can think about is him inside of me. No matter what happens between us, I will always have this, this memory, something that’s a part of our time together forever.

“I’m alright.” I assure him.

His eyes shimmer in the pastel blue light from the TV. He blinks fast to clear them and spreads my legs out further with his thighs. Somehow, a condom is already in his hand and he expertly puts it on. He moves one of his hands to adjust himself and I wait.

The sensation of him against me is overwhelming. As he begins to move in, the pressure is
intense. Once he’s in place, I can no longer hold my gasp, my insides clench tightly. He’s searching my face, seeing tears form in my eyes. His eyes are frantic, terrified that he may be hurting me.

“I’m alright.” I reassure him. “Just go slow.” My voice is soft. The longer he waits to move, the more my body adjusts to him. After a few moments, it no longer hurts as bad
; now it’s a blissful pain.

He nods, unable to speak. His emotions are
all over the place, like he working so hard to control them. His movements are gentle and cautious. Tears glisten in his eyes as he watches me intently. He leans down and tucks his face into the crook of my neck. I can hear him breathing heavily, from both pleasure and emotion. My heart pounds, attempting to break free.

He
moves faster, concentrating on me. I start to whimper and undulate under him, feeling the most amazing pressure building where he moves in and out, until my eyes roll back in my head and yell out with the most intense sensation I have ever felt. When I return from la la land, Alex is breathing harder, getting closer, so I begin moving faster, moving with his every stroke, feeling him go deeper as he says, “Te amo con todo mi corazon y mi alma.” He whispers it into my ear seconds before he shudders above me, continuing to move with me until he falls motionless, breathing heavily on top of me.

I smile. His face is smothered in my hair
, and I trail my fingers slowly up and down his back, soothingly.

“Thank you.”
I say, and kiss the side of his neck.

He lifts himself up and moves to my side, watching my face. I’m not sure what he’s looking to find, but I love his eyes on me like
this; hungry. I want to ask him what he said to me earlier in Spanish, but I get the feeling he wouldn’t tell me, or translate it differently. The only word I could make out was corazón, meaning heart.

“Come here.” His voice is uneven.

I scoot closer to him and sink into the side of his body, still overheated from what just happened. “Hmm…” This feels so right.

I close my eyes and relax into him, feeling sleep begin to claim me already. Sleeping is the last thing I want to do at this moment
, because what I want is to stay with him, just like this, for a while longer, but eventually it’s no use. Sleep claims me moments later.

Chapter Forty

Alex

Jasmine
falls asleep in my arms just a few minutes after. My breathing has finally returned to normal, my senses are no longer sensitive. The smell of Jasmine’s shampoo invades my sinuses as I inhale deeply. I knew this was a bad idea. Just thinking about leaving her is ripping my heart out of my chest. She is never going to let me go, no matter what the consequences.

Replaying the events of tonight in my mind,
I can still taste her lips, the feel of her skin against my rough fingers, how nervous I was to take her. I have never been so out of my mind scared. The little gasp she let out, the pain she must have felt. Her soft words, “I’m alright. Just go slow.” Glide over me like silk, caressing my memories of her.

I cried. I couldn’t believe I cried. I feel like such a panocha. Jasmine didn’t seem to mind. She didn’t see me as weak or unmanly.

After that, it was as if we’d been together a hundred times. Our bodies moved together like wind in a wheat field, bending and folding to each other’s whim. Being with Jasmine surpassed all of my other sexual experiences combined. She is perfect in every way.

I couldn’t believe I said,
Te amo con todo mi Corazon y mi alma
, to her.
I love you with all my heart and soul
. It’s times like this I’m relieved Spanish is not her first language, even though she should be able to speak it, being around Marisol and I growing up. A line like that would keep her around forever, and as much as I want forever, I know I have to break her heart and walk away.

When she reached her end,
the way she cried out sent me over the deep end. I was so weak with ecstasy, I collapsed on top of her. She stroked my back moments later, relaxing my body further. Once I recovered, I moved out of her, and next to her. 

Now, I’m lying with her asleep in my arms, wondering how I’m ever going to leave her. As silly as it sounds, she makes me feel safe
; at ease. As I watch her sleep, her eyelashes are lying on her cheeks, and her breathing is slow and even. I reach my hand over and brush a strand of hair out of her tranquil face as she sighs and snuggles under my chin.

I end up staying up most of the night, thinking, coming up with a plan to
get her to go her way without me. It’s a dickhead move on my part, especially after what she’s shared with me. My world is just too dangerous for her, and I love her too much to risk her that way. Her mother is already threatening her, and has proven she will take it to the next level. So between her mother and my enemies, it can never happen. If another gang found out about her, the things they would do to her to get to me are unfathomable. The thought of someone touching Jasmine, causing her any harm, pisses me off tremendously. I know what I have to do, and it’s not going to be pretty. Breaking it off with Jasmine is going to hurt her, even crush her… It’s crushing me now, but I can’t risk it. I have to get back to the game and keep her away for good.

For now though, I’m going to let myself enjoy the last night I’m going to hold her in my arms, the last night I can breathe in her scent. The thought of losing her brings more tears to my eyes
, and I let a few slip free before I lock down my emotions. The game will never work if I look like I regret my actions.

In the morning when I wake up, Jasmine is still sleeping snuggly against my side. I decide it is time to put my plan of distancing myself into action.

I slide out from underneath her and use the restroom, trying to pump myself up. “You can do this Navarro.” I say to myself, leaning on the counter
to look at this monster I’m about to become to the only person I give a shit about.

After getting dressed, I go and get us breakfast
; bagels and cream cheese. When I return and the door clicks closed behind me, Jasmine looks up from pulling her pants up and buttoning them.

Jeez, I’m glad I missed that part of the morning.

I glance away and watch my feet while I walk over and hand her the bagel I just picked up from the restaurant downstairs. I avoid talking to her. If I do, I’ll be tempted to tell her I love her again.

Instead, I walk to the little table by the window and sit down. Jasmine is watching me with searching eyes. Soon she comes to join me, sitting opposite of me next to the open window. I still don’t say anything,
and refuse to meet her eyes.

“Are we okay?” She asks, in a timid voice.

“Yep.” I answer with no real feeling. All the emotions I have for her are locked in the vault of my heart.

She’s still probing me, I can feel her
gaze tracing over my face. My heart is pounding against my chest at a million miles a minute, and I’m sure she can hear it.

“What do you want to do today?” she asks. Her voice is still unsure of herself, insecure.

“I’m actually going to hang with my boys today.” I leave it at that. I don’t tell her what we’re doing, or invite her to come with us. This is the first part of my plan.

“Alright. Well, what about tonight?” Emotion is emanating from her shaky voice. She’s beginning to understand the game is rearing its ugly head.

“I’ll be with them most of the night.” I still haven’t looked at her.

“Alex, what is this?” Her throat is thick, her words hard to form.

“Nothing. We’re good.” I finish the last bite of my bagel and wipe my hands on my pants, trying to keep my nerves calm.

She places her bagel on the table and looks out the open window to the ocean, watching the laps of waves hit the warm
sandy beach. I’m watching her out of the corner of my eyes and can see she’s swallowing more than normal. My plan is working, but it’s killing me to do this... I need to leave.

I stand up, only hesitating for a second before I say, “I’m going to take off.” I point toward the door over my shoulder. “I’ll see you later.”

She doesn’t speak, only nods.

I toss my garbage in the trash and walk out the door. The loud, CLICK, CLACK, the door makes behind me sounds like the breaking of my heart. Once I’m in the hall, my throat swells,
and my eyes start watering, I feel like a complete and utter piece of mierda. How could I have slept with her last night? It takes all my energy to keep myself upright as I walk away from her.