Adventures in Funeral Crashing (4 page)

Yes, it was Ethan Ripley that was staring
back at me and walking in my direction. I froze, the copy of
Twilight
still in my hands. Movie recommendations for Ethan
Ripley ran through my mind, almost ridiculously. I’d recommend:
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels
,
Blackhawk Down
,
and for fun:
Wall-E.
Oh God, what was wrong with my
brain?

“I was hoping you were working tonight,”
Ethan said as he stood in front of the counter, his piercing blue
eyes watching my face.

He was in regular clothes tonight – well-worn
jeans and a faded Green Day T-shirt. I swiped a hair behind my
ears, self-consciously. It was a nervous habit, “You were?”

I had obviously also been rendered stupid. I
was in big trouble. Ethan had not waited to search me out at school
on Friday. He had found my place of employment and hunted me down.
Now, that was determination to get an answer out of me. It’s not
like I could leave work and run away and he knew it.

“So, how did you know Liz?” Ethan asked
again.

I still didn’t want to answer. “How did you
know where I worked?”

“I looked you up on Facebook. It’s listed as
your job,” Ethan shrugged.

Sometimes social networking sucked. I only
had like forty friends and most were kids I met at camp in third
grade or family. I needed to change my privacy settings. Just
because you were unpopular doesn’t mean some stalker wasn’t going
to track you down. Not that I’d mind if Ethan was stalking me
because it totally wouldn’t be stalking since I’d totally swoon if
he declared his love for me. Not that I had any delusions that it
was actually going to happen.

Ethan continued, “So, Liz? How did you know
her?”

Back to reality. I was starting to sweat.
There was no way out of this. Ethan had tracked me down at work
after all. Wait a minute – Ethan had tracked me down at work! Okay,
not the time to be happy. I was in trouble here. I was being forced
to admit I was a funeral crasher and although I don’t mind that
part of myself, I know my peer group doesn’t approve.

“Well…” I hesitated. “It’s kind of a long
story.” Not really, I added in my head. I glanced back toward
Anne’s office. She was busy watching her movie. I could see the
glow of the television on her face through the small office window
that looked out onto the store.

“I have time,” Ethan prodded.

I was going to have to tell him. I didn’t
want to! I hedged, “Can I meet you in thirty minutes when I’m done
with work?”

It gave me another half hour to figure out
the greatest lie ever told and if I ended up having to tell him the
truth, at least if I got him to sit down with me, maybe I could
explain so that he wouldn’t think I was such a total freak. And, I
didn’t want my boss to overhear. I know Anne liked me as an
employee, but still she didn’t need to know all of the intimate
details of my life. I mean, funeral crashing wasn’t like doing
drugs, but still. I didn’t want to take the chance that she’d be
appalled and fire me.

“Sure,” Ethan nodded. “My car’s parked on the
street outside. I’ll wait for you to close up.”

“Okay,” I gulped and tried not to think about
the fact that in thirty minutes I’d be sitting in a parked car with
Ethan.

“Cool,” Ethan said, nodding again, turning
around, and walking out of the store.

I had thirty minutes to come up with
something. Forget reading. I put my book back into my satchel
purse. I stared out into the empty video store. What could I
possibly say to Ethan to make this all turn out okay?

Thirty minutes later and locking up the video
store, I hadn’t come up with anything other than entering the
witness protection program and fleeing the state. Somehow, I didn’t
think they’d take me into witness protection for trying to run away
from a cute guy, who’s about to find out that I like to crash
funerals. Maybe I’d get lucky and aliens would abduct me.

“So, I was watching a John Hughes movie
tonight -
Some Kind of Wonderful
. I think you’d like it.
It’s with Eric Stoltz and Mary Stuart Masterson and is a classic
teen movie about unrequited love and high school. You should take
it out next shift,” Anne was saying, as I locked the front
door.

“Uh-huh,” I managed to mumble, even though
Anne’s recommendations were always the best.

“Are you okay?” Anne asked, peering at me.
“You seem kind of distracted. School alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said and then continued,
seeing that she might press me. “Just thinking about a guy.”

“Ohhh, okay,” Anne smiled knowingly.

I attempted a smile back, but luckily it was
dark, “Yeah.”

“Okay, good night then, Kait,” Anne waved, as
she walked to her car.

“Good night,” I managed as I pretended to
walk to mine, as Anne got into her car and drove away.

I watched her car speed down the road and had
a brief thought that I could just drive away too. It was an option,
but not the one I was going to take. I may have been a social
outcast, but I was going to face Ethan like a man, well, a woman in
my case. Besides, I knew Ethan would find me at school tomorrow
anyway if I didn’t talk to him. He already stalked me down at work.
And, school could be worse. I could just see Ariel joining in on
the conversation and emphasizing my freaky qualities. She’d
probably even bring her friends Megan and Sarah. It made one
shudder. Ariel was worse than any horror movie monster, including
Freddy Krueger from
Nightmare on Elm Street
.

I scanned the surrounding street and saw
Ethan sitting in a silvery blue Honda Civic Hybrid just next to the
parking lot, staring at me. I was only a few feet away from escape
and my car, but I forced myself to walk toward the Civic
instead.

“Hey,” I tried to say casually as I opened
his car door and sat down in the passenger seat, but all I think I
got out was a mumble.

I couldn’t get over the fact that I was
sitting in Ethan Ripley’s car. I mean, it was a totally normal,
boring car interior, but yet it felt like such an amazing place.
That might have a lot to do with the fact that it was Ethan’s and
that he was only sitting inches away from me. Focus, focus, I told
myself.

“Hey,” he said in response, so I guess my
mumble did come out coherent. “So? What’s the story?”

I gulped. This was it. Panic seized my chest.
I couldn’t even enjoy being in a car with Ethan Ripley, I was so
nervous. This could be the closest I ever got to him. The best two
minutes ever! Or, at least from high school. But no, I was too busy
freaking out to enjoy it.

I just had to do it. It was like tearing off
a band-aid. I sighed, held my breath, and just said it, “I was
funeral crashing.”

“What?” Ethan looked totally puzzled.
“What?”

“I was funeral crashing,” I explained, “I saw
the obituary in the paper and I thought I would go.”

“So you didn’t know Liz?” Ethan asked.

I shook my head, feeling mortified. “No.”

Ethan raised his eyebrows, “Really?”

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.
Don’t cry, I told myself. “No, I didn’t know her. I was just there
for the funeral. I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m sorry. She
seemed cool. It’s really sad.”

“That’s weird,” Ethan said and I felt my
heart sink at the judgment I could hear in his voice. “Why would
you want to crash a funeral?”

“I…” I started. It was a question that I had
been asked before, first by my dad and then Ariel. In a rare moment
of distraught weakness, I had actually confided in her even though
we had stopped being friends. It had been a total mistake.
Regardless, I still hadn’t come up with a good answer to that
question, except for the truth. “I like them.”

“What?” Ethan looked utterly confused. “You
like funerals? Why? They’re depressing as fuck.”

As I watched Ethan run his hand through his
silky hair in frustration, I fought a girlish sigh and tried to
explain something that I didn’t know how to explain, “They can be.
They can definitely be the worst moment of your life, but there’s
something really amazing about them too.”

“Like what?” Ethan demanded. I finally got a
good look at him and yes, he was super hot and only inches away
from me, but I could also see the desperate grief in his eyes.

I looked away from his eyes, “Like how
everyone remembers the person that died and not just remembers -
there are some great stories, really great stories. Stories that
even if you knew the person well, you might never have heard of
that story. And, everyone with all these great stories about this
person that they have lost is in one room, and they’re all talking
about this person because they all miss them. They’re all feeling
that person’s presence together. That’s what it was like at my
mom’s funeral. Anyway, that’s what I like about funerals.”

I was looking at my hands now. I felt too
embarrassed to look over at Ethan’s reaction to my admission.

“That’s true,” Ethan smiled slightly, to my
astonishment, “I heard some great stories about Liz today from the
family and her friends, but I’d much rather have her here with us
than be at her funeral.”

His voiced choked on the last word. I
resisted the urge to lean over and touch his hand. I was a wreck
too after my mom had died. After the funeral, weeks went by in a
blur.

“I’m sorry,” I said, looking into his eyes
and I really meant it.

Ethan nodded, “So, you really didn’t know Liz
at all then?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I’m still sorry,
though, about her.”

“Damn,” Ethan swore under his breath.

I felt myself sink even deeper into the
passenger side seat. I just wanted to disappear. I couldn’t wait
for high school to be over, so I could blend into and be swallowed
up by the massive population of a state university. How was I ever
going to face Ethan Ripley again after this?

Ethan remembered I was still in the car with
him, “I was really hoping you knew Liz.”

I was confused, “Why?”

Ethan seemed suddenly anxious. That was weird
– him anxious to say something to me. He ran his hand through his
hair again, his silky hair, “Well, uh, I’m really sorry about this
Kait and I don’t know how to say it nicely, but I thought you might
know something about the drugs Liz was taking.”

It took me a second to realize what Ethan was
implying. Then, for once, I forgot who I was talking to because I
was so furious, “You thought I was a drug addict! Do I look like I
do heroin to you?”

I mean, I am not a stick figure. I’m your
average weight girl and a size seven. Sometimes I’m a size nine, if
I’ve been really downing the peanut butter banana milkshakes that
I’m addicted to from the Wired Coffee Shop. Aren’t heroin addicts
emaciated or something? What? I was super insulted. I don’t do
drugs. Not even pot. I don’t even drink except for that one time
freshman year when Ariel and I snuck into her parent’s liquor
cabinet. See? She’s a bad influence, totally evil, and corrupting
impressionable youth. Regardless, I didn’t even know what heroin
looked like. Come on. I’m no drug addict.

“I’m sorry. I just hoped. It’s just really
weird that Liz ODed. I can’t explain it. I’m sorry if I assumed
that you…knew something about it. People talk about you at school,
you know,” Ethan seemed really uncomfortable.

I was going to kill Ariel Walker because
before her, nobody talked about me. Ethan Ripley assuming I was a
drug addict was all her fault. She told people all sorts of crazy
things about me. Then the rumors went wild and took on a life of
their own and people embellished and totally changed the stories –
so, one minute I liked going to funerals, the next I took part in
witchcraft rituals, and some people even thought I had my own pet
cemetery in my backyard. I guess now the rumor was that I was
dealing drugs or hooked on them or something. Great. My reputation
had a soap opera life all of it’s own and with it, Ariel destroyed
any chance of a fun social life that I might have had in high
school, “Well, let me set things straight. I don’t do drugs. At
all. And, okay, the funeral crashing is a little weird. I know it,
but ever since my mom died it’s the closest I ever feel to her and
I…”

Whoa, I felt the tears suddenly rushing up
into my eyes again. My voice was about to crack and fail me. I
needed to calm down or I would be full on sobbing like a baby in
front of Ethan. I stopped talking and tried to catch my breath,
turning away from him and toward the window.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have listened to the
rumors,” Ethan sounded sincere.

I turned to look at him, wiping at my cheeks
in case there were any tears. I didn’t need him to see them. I was
humiliated enough.

“I’m really sorry,” he continued. “I just
can’t believe that Liz did heroin. It totally wasn’t like her. I
thought maybe you knew something about it. Like, if you knew her,
even if you didn’t do drugs with her, maybe you knew what really
happened. Like where she was that night or who she was with.”

“Why would that matter?” I asked before I
could stop myself. I mean, if he wanted to know the last few hours
of his sister’s death that was his business. It’s not like he was
going to be able to change anything, though.

“Well, I just…” Ethan started and then
stopped, thinking better of continuing his thought.

A sudden thought was nagging at my brain and
I said it before I thought it over, “Wait, are you saying that you
think maybe there’s more to Liz’s death? Like maybe she didn’t
overdose?”

Ethan was silent.

The silence dragged on for a moment as I
thought about it all, “Wait. You don’t think she was murdered or
something, right?”

My eyes were locked on Ethan’s as he nodded,
“Actually, yes, I think it’s a definite possibility.”