Adventures in Funeral Crashing (2 page)

Still, it is a big funeral. It looks like
mostly relatives and family friends. There are barely any seats in
the viewing room, people are just milling around, and it is still
early. You can tell that all of her relatives are here. That woman
in the corner surrounded by people looks like it could be Liz’s
mom. It is profoundly sad. My heart just wants to reach out to her.
I know how she feels, except the other way around, since I have
lost my mom. I mean, I’m not going to go up to her and tell her
that I have felt the same way because then I’d get asked the worst
question you could possibly get asked when you crash a funeral –
“How do you know Liz?”

You have to be careful how you answer that,
if someone asks you. I mean – a long lost cousin? Well, there tends
to be a family historian in every bunch and you can easily get
caught if you say you’re related. That’s what happened that time I
almost got caught by the old man. He was the family historian and
knew everyone’s name back until they landed on the Americas.
Seriously. Anyway, it can work sometimes, but not always, as I
found out. So, it’s risky.

An old, long lost friend? Yeah, well, that
doesn’t quite work if the deceased is forty-five and you’re
sixteen. They tend to think something weird is going on then.
Nineteen and sixteen? That could work for me. Liz and I probably
looked around the same age. I could pass for a young nineteen. I
mean, who can tell these days anyway. There are people in my class
who look thirty-five.

Would I ever just admit to funeral crashing?
I’m sure there would be a situation where you could say that, nicer
of course, but I wouldn’t. People might get out their pitchforks
and burn you at the stake. It’s not a hobby that people take kindly
to, even though I’m just here to mourn along with the rest of them.
I mean, who says you have to know someone in order to celebrate
their life and feel sad about them dying? You know? I think it’s a
nice thing, what I’m doing. I care about people. Still, when you go
around telling people that you crash funerals, they don’t feel that
way about it, no matter how I’ve intended it.

So, before I ever show up to a funeral or a
wake, I make sure to read the obituary and do some Google research.
If I can find anything about the deceased and their family, it
always leaves me more prepared. And, I always, always, always try
to think of a cover, just in case I get asked how I know the
deceased. This one was easy. I had a class with Liz at Laurel
Community College. If they pressed me on which class, I was going
with a normal one like English. She might not be taking English, so
I wasn’t going to offer, but it was a good bet that she may have
taken it in the last year. And, if they kept pressing, my plan was
to simply just say that I didn’t know her that well, but I thought
it was really sad what happened and all, so I decided to come to
the funeral and pay my respects.

It was too bad then that I got all
tongue-tied and freaked out when Ethan Ripley, the most popular and
gorgeous guy at Palos High School, walked up to me and said, “How
do you know Liz?”

I had totally had an answer prepared. I
swear. It’s just that he’s so freaking hot that I totally forgot
all about it.

I couldn’t help
it. Ethan Ripley is gorgeous, with a capital G. I mean, he
definitely beats out handsome! Is there a better word than
gorgeous? Hot as hell, maybe? Because hot as hell is definitely the
phrase that describes Ethan Ripley.

Ethan is popular, by far. He plays sports –
basketball in the late fall and I know he played baseball last
spring, but he’s not a jock guy. He’s smart. Like, really smart and
competing for valedictorian.

I don’t know how he finds the time, really –
for sports and school and being popular. I mean, I have a part time
job at the Palos Video Store and my funeral crashing and I’m doing
okay – A’s and B’s are good, right? Still, some days, it’s like
that homework just piles up on you.

Back to the hotness of Ethan – so, he’s
smart, he plays sports, and he’s nice. Yes, nice. I mean, he
volunteers weekends at the hospital or at least he used to freshman
year. I’m not stalking him, I swear. I only know this because when
my mom was sick, I saw him there one of the times we went to the
emergency room. Ethan even made my mom laugh when we were there.
She was really sick and we were waiting for the doctor to come back
in from talking with my dad and he made her laugh. It was really
nice of him because we were all really stressed.

“It’s not sparkling water," Ethan Ripley said
in a faux haughty maitre d' tone, handing my mom the glass of water
she had asked for from the nurse, "but here’s the water you asked
for.”

My mom had a high fever and we were hoping
the hospital would help get it down, so you know my mom felt crappy
and not like laughing at all, but Ethan Ripley gave her a reason
to. It took her a second and it was a stupid cheesy joke, but she
laughed. She hadn’t even smiled at that point in weeks and here she
was laughing at Ethan Ripley’s stupid comment. It was really nice
to hear her laugh. It may have been the last time I heard her
laugh, actually, and it was all because of Ethan. I’ll admit, I had
already thought he was cute at that point from seeing him at
school, but at that moment cute turned into a full on crush.
Believe me, I knew nothing would ever come of it, that’s why it’s
called a crush. They’re totally one sided and they just crush your
heart into oblivion.

To make the story even better, Ethan had
brought me a glass of water, even though I hadn’t asked the nurse
for one. It’s like he knew I was thirsty too. He handed it to me
and I couldn’t think of anything to say. He didn’t say anything
either, but just smiled. For a moment we just stood there looking
at each other. I just stared – I mean he’s Ethan Ripley, but he
smiled. Ethan has a great smile. I don’t think he had to get
braces, like I had at the time. At least those are off now. So, I
stared at his smile and he smiled at me and then he was gone. I
know he was just being nice and that it wasn’t like he recognized
me from school or anything. Still, it was really nice of him to
bring me water too…and make my mom laugh.

And, did I mention he’s gorgeous with a
capital G? It’s the last thing I’m talking about because he really
is the real deal wrapped up in a super hot package. I just wanted
to make that clear. He’s got wavy dark hair. It’s the kind you want
to run your hands through because you know it has got to be super
silky. Not that I’ve ever felt his hair. Like I said, I don’t think
he knows I exist. I have a sneaking suspicion Ariel Walker has felt
his hair, though, and she totally didn’t deserve it.

And, Ethan’s got bright blue eyes, which are
staring at me curiously right now. Sigh, a guy with bright blue
eyes equals major hottie in my book. I mean, they say the eyes are
the windows to the soul and all and what amazing windows these
are.

“How do you know Liz?” Ethan asked again.

I had lost myself in his eyes. What was my
answer? I know I had one, “I, uh, I went to school with her.”

As soon as I said it, I knew I was in
trouble. What was wrong with me? He could recognize me after
all…from high school! And, Ethan did look at me strangely for a
second. Then he frowned and sat down next to me. That was a
surprise.

He was dressed in funeral garb – a black suit
and tie, but his dress shirt was the same bright blue as his eyes.
I couldn’t stop staring at him. Why did he have to be so cute? My
brain was getting all weird on me because of it. I couldn’t think
straight.

Did I look okay? I found myself thinking. I
had on a flowing black skirt and a black lacy tank top covered by a
long sweater. It was funeralesque, but I think I looked alright and
I had made a point to put on make-up before I left and brush my
hair. Thank God.

“But you go to school with me,” Ethan pointed
out, as he turned toward me in his chair. His right arm brushed
mine and caused chills to go up my spine. I hoped he couldn’t see
me blushing. I have fair skin and anything can cause it to turn
red. It’s a curse.

I had to think fast here, Ethan knew we went
to school together. Wait a minute. Does that mean Ethan Ripley
knows who I am? Woo-hoo! Why did I suddenly feel like doing a
victory dance in the middle of the funeral? Ethan knows who I am!
Ethan knows who I am! Except in this case, it was a bad thing. I
was totally caught in a lie. I couldn’t possibly go to high school
and college. I wasn’t that smart.


So, I did
the only thing one can do when caught in a lie - turn it around on
the other person, “How do you know Liz?”

“She was my sister,” Ethan said solemnly, his
voice cracking slightly on the word sister as he tried to control
his emotions.

What?!?! That was my first thought, but I
knew it was true because I could hear the grief in his voice. I
suddenly noticed it in his eyes too. My heart went out to him. I
just wanted to hug him and say, I’ve been there. I know how you
feel. Instead, I said, “Your sister? But you don’t have the same
last name.”

I felt stupid the second after I said it too.
What can I say? My brain was busy short-circuiting.

“She was my half sister. My mother was
married to someone else before she met my dad. They had Liz and
then they got divorced. My mother remarried and had me,” Ethan was
still peering at me curiously. I was more focused on how close his
arm still was to mine.

“That’s really sad,” I said and I meant it.
“I am so sorry.”

Ethan nodded back and then looked directly
into my eyes. I looked back at him and tried to keep breathing
normally.

“So, how do you know Liz, really?” Ethan
asked again.

I tried to change the subject again as I felt
my heart start to beat harder against my chest in panic, “Why isn’t
there anybody from school here? I mean, I would think everyone
would be here to support you.”

As I said this, I looked around the funeral
parlor. There was nobody from our high school here. Not even Ariel,
who I know would have been glad to comfort Ethan in his time of
loss and not just because she was caring like that. She was an
opportunist and this would definitely have been a great opportunity
for her to sink her claws into Ethan.

Truthfully, it would have been a major get
out sign if people from my high school had all been there. I mean,
I didn’t go to funerals to hang out with people from my high
school. I didn’t even hang out with them in high school.

Ethan seemed surprised by my question. “I
didn’t tell anyone.”

Now I was confused. I mean, how could his
friends, and I know he had like a billion of them, being the most
popular guy in school, not know his sister had died and that her
wake was tonight. “Why not?”

As I asked the question, I remembered my
mom’s funeral. The only person that knew she had died from school
was Ariel and despite being my ex-best friend, she had shown up. I
had freaked out the night before and called Ariel in tears,
sobbing. I had needed her and she had actually been there for me.
It was mortifying for me to think of it now even though she’s never
been so evil as to turn that moment against me. And, Ariel did show
up at the wake the next day, but it turned out be really awkward to
see each other in person. Over the phone, I had been able to pour
my heart out to my old friend. In person, the awkwardness and
weirdness that had destroyed our friendship, was visibly apparent.
We said hi to each other and that was it. I mean, what more was
there to say? My mom was dead. Ariel’s life was getting more
awesome by the moment and we weren’t friends anymore. The end.

“Well,” Ethan frowned, “My friends Dave and
Mike are coming later, but I didn’t want everyone at school to
know. I mean, they didn’t know Liz. Dave and Mike did.”

I nodded. He was talking about Dave Rickerson
and Mike Finnigan. I didn’t know them personally, but I knew they
were friends of his. They were always at lunch together and I knew
they all played sports. So, yeah, I knew who they were. I mean,
nobody from that crowd ever looked at or spoke to me. They wouldn’t
even ask me for a pencil if they needed one for their math test, I
was so low on the totem pole. Although, the way they were
supporting Ethan was nice. They sounded like real friends.

Ethan prodded again, “So, now don’t change
the subject. I really want to know. How do you know Liz?”

My mind was blank. I didn’t know how to get
out of this. I mean, I couldn’t exactly tell him the truth. I
didn’t want Ethan Ripley to think I was a total freak. Ariel
Walker, I could handle, but Ethan Ripley thinking that would be
totally devastating. So, I did the only thing I could think of to
do. I got up and fled the funeral as fast as my legs would carry
me. And, I mean, fast. Hey, it worked the last time.

Lying on my bed
at home, under the covers, and curled up with a comfort book – my
copy of
Twilight
(and yes, I’ve seen all the movies too,
multiple times)
,
that I was reading for the third time, I
realized that fleeing the funeral may not have been the best idea.
I mean, if Ethan was my Edward like in
Twilight
, things
would work out and he’d think my awkwardness and weirdness was sexy
and cute, like Edward thinks of Bella even when she does weird
things, like not want to go to the prom. Sadly, Ethan Ripley, was
just going to think I was totally weird anyway for running out on
him at his half sister’s funeral. It wouldn’t even take telling him
I was funeral crashing.

It was almost midnight and I could hear my
dad watching CNN in the other room. We kept to our own rooms, other
than dinner. We got along, my dad and me, but we just didn’t hang
out. I usually read in my room until I fall asleep, unless I have
homework, while he watches sports or CNN in the living room.