Actual Stop (36 page)

“Ryan.” Allison frowned.

“What? It is what it is, Allison. I’m not mad at you. I don’t agree with your reasoning at all. In fact, I strongly suspect you’re lying to yourself about your true motivations, and I really wish you’d consulted me before you started making changes that affected my life. But I can’t do anything about it. What’s done is done.”

That was a pretty pragmatic attitude, considering. And I really meant it. Well, mostly. I was hurt, and furious, but I had to accept the situation for what it was. No emotion would change anything, so I saw no sense in letting my feelings run wild. That’s what I was telling myself anyway. It helped me retain my forced calm. Sort of.

Allison sighed and focused on the ceiling, but she didn’t seem to be really seeing it. She was obviously occupied with something in her mind. Now I needed to be patient and not push her to speak before she was ready.

The silence lingered, making me even more uneasy, and it was my turn to sigh. I could barely keep my eyes, which had the consistency of sandpaper, open. The past several days had been the psychological equivalent of unsuccessfully navigating a minefield. Things had been exploding around me at every turn. At this point, I just needed to get some real, non-drug-induced sleep and postpone any further emotionally draining discussions until I could think coherently. Too bad life didn’t have a pause button.

“You’re right,” Allison said finally.

“You can’t possibly—Wait…What?”

“I said you were right.”

“I was?”

Allison smirked. “Yeah, smart-ass. You were.”

“Oh.”

“Not used to hearing that, huh?”

“Not from you, no.”

Allison scoffed.

“Okay. So, uh…What was I right about exactly?”

“I did think breaking up with you was the best thing for everyone at the time. But it was definitely more right for me.”

I cleared my throat. “Thank you for telling me.”

“There’s something else I haven’t told you.”

“What?”

“I almost told them no.”

“What?!”

I was stunned. That was definitely news. People waited for years to be called to The Show. As far as I knew, no one had ever turned down PPD when they’d gotten the nod. It was just too risky. You couldn’t be sure you’d ever be offered the opportunity again. Entire careers had been broken over less.

Allison nodded, her expression once again deadly serious. “I told them I needed to get back to them, and I spent most of the day thinking about it.”

“But…Why?” That made no sense. The very first day I’d met her, within the space of our first conversation, she’d told me she wanted to go to PPD. She’d wanted to use that as a stepping stone on the way to a promotion. I couldn’t imagine anything that would make her hesitate when she was offered the one thing she’d always wanted.

“Because I had you.”

I gaped at her. My thoughts were twisted and snarled, and while my lips were moving, nothing resembling words was coming out of my mouth.

A small, understanding sort of smile stole over Allison’s face as she watched me react to that bombshell. “I was actually considering changing the entire course of my career—my life—because I didn’t want to leave you. But then, when I realized what I was doing…” She bit her bottom lip again. “It terrified me. Wanting…Needing someone so much I was willing to throw away everything I’d ever dreamed of…It—I couldn’t.”

Comprehension clicked inside of me. Finally. For the first time since Allison had left, I actually understood why. She hadn’t left because she didn’t love me. She’d left because she’d been afraid.

Allison recognized the instant I realized what she couldn’t bring herself to say and looked away, appearing slightly embarrassed. Wanting to give her the illusion of a moment of privacy as well as garner a second for myself, I closed my eyes.

“So, now you know.” Her voice was quiet and a little rough with choked emotion.

I tried to shift so I could settle more on my left side and rest my left cheek in the heel of my hand. I was slightly bitter that we’d wasted so many years apart because of her fear. But I didn’t have time to dwell on that. Not when so many important questions about the future remained unasked and unanswered.

“And now?” I managed to say.

“And now what? Are you asking if I still love you? Because I think I made that pretty clear.”

My heart boomed like thunder and threatened to drown out the sounds of regular life around me. My nerves were shot. I was terrified to continue down this path, but I needed to know something before I got in any deeper.

“No, I’m asking if you can now. You said you couldn’t back then, but I need to know if that’s changed. Because I have to be honest here, Allison. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, and I’d kill for another shot at us, but I can’t go back to the way things were. I won’t.”

That’d been the hardest thing I’d ever had to say to anyone, and I’d been on the verge of throwing up as I’d forced those words out of my mouth. My hands were shaking, and my entire body was buzzing as I waited to see how she’d react.

Allison looked at me with regret, tenderness, affection, and her expression broke my heart. She cupped my cheeks in her hands and ran the pads of her thumbs across my skin. Her dark eyes looked intently into mine, and I trembled. She seemed to see straight to my soul.

“I’d never ask you to do that, Ryan. I was wrong to treat you that way. I was selfish, and I didn’t consider how much my attitude was hurting you. I’m so sorry.”

Relief flooded me, and I was glad I was already stretched out because I think my knees would’ve failed me otherwise. My heart swelled like the Grinch’s in that Christmas movie, and my smile was so wide my cheeks ached.

Allison grinned back. “So, we’re okay?”

“We’re more than okay.” I tried to lean up so I could kiss her, but her hand on my shoulder stopped me. “What?”

“Since we’re clearing the air, are you ready to tell me who Ashley was?”

I smirked at her, surprised she was still dwelling on that. “You really care that much about some woman you heard me talking to once several years ago?”

“Humor me.”

“It wasn’t Ashley. It was Ashlyn.”

Allison’s face crumpled into a puzzled frown. “What?”

“Ashlyn. That was the name you heard me say.”

Allison appeared surprised, but then her expression became guarded. “Yeah. That’s it. Ashlyn.” A pause. “So you remember.”

“I do.”

“And you admit you told her you loved her?”

I nodded. “Oh, yes. I told her I loved her. I told her again earlier today when I saw her. And I’ll probably tell her again tomorrow. I’ll always love her. And she’ll always love me. I can’t imagine any situation on earth that could change that.”

Okay, I was teasing her now, being immature and probably a little spiteful. Sadly, I’m not always the bigger person I strive to be.

Allison looked as if she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to murder me or burst into tears, whether she was triumphant because she’d been right or devastated for the same reason.

“I was talking to my sister.”

Allison’s expression now was puzzled. “Your sister?”

“Yup.”

“Your sister’s name is Rory.”

“Rory’s what I call her. It isn’t her name any more than Ryan’s mine.”

Allison continued to gape at me, obviously mystified.

“Her given name is Ashlyn Aurora. We’ve always called her Rory for short. But when she was going through med school and starting her career, it was easier to use her given name than explain the nickname. The day you overheard me, she’d called me from the OR because she needed to cancel our dinner plans for the evening. She’d had one of the nurses dial for her and put me on speakerphone, and when I picked up, the nurse told me who she was and said she’d called on behalf of my sister Ashlyn.”

It wasn’t until I’d seen Rory a few days before in her white lab coat with her name embroidered on the breast that it’d clicked with me what Allison had overheard that day. And when I’d finally realized who she’d been talking about, I was amazed I hadn’t reached that conclusion sooner. “What you heard was me teasing my sister. I’d never called her Ashlyn before, and I haven’t since.” I called her
Asha
occasionally—a holdover from when we were kids and more or less had our own special twin language—but only rarely and when we were alone.

“You were really talking to your sister?” A fragile hope had begun to bloom in Allison’s eyes.

“Yup.”

The optimism flickered. She clearly wasn’t ready to relinquish the belief she’d held so steadfastly for years. “But what about Meaghan’s reaction? I heard her say she thought you two were adorable together.”

I shrugged and smiled. “We are.”

Allison shot me a dirty look.

I laughed. “Well, look at me! Hell, I’m adorable all on my own. How could we not be together? We are identical, after all.”

That comment earned me an even darker look and an eye roll. I did some damage control with a serious answer. “Meaghan isn’t close to her older brothers, and I think sometimes she envies my relationship with Rory.” I paused, reflecting on my bond with my twin. “She’s my best friend.” I may or may not have said that last part out loud, but I didn’t suppose it mattered.

Allison looked thoughtful yet a little bitter. “You were talking to your sister.” Her voice was quiet.

I didn’t reply as it didn’t really seem like a question.

“I feel like an idiot,” Allison admitted after a time.

“Why?”

As she brushed her hair back off her shoulders, her hand shook slightly. She hesitated again, as though she wasn’t sure she wanted to continue the conversation. “I’ve spent years thinking that…that you just got over me. Like what we’d had was easy for you to leave behind. Like it hadn’t mattered.”

I took her hand and threaded our fingers together. “Allison, whether I wanted it to or not, it always mattered.”

Allison’s body sagged, all her tension leaving her, and she brought my hand up to rest over her heart and cradled it in both of hers. “I love you, Ryan.” Allison’s voice was low, barely a whisper, but her words hit me as hard as if she’d shouted them. “And I plan to spend as long as you’ll let me showing you exactly how much.”

My heart began to pound out of control, and my head spun. And as she leaned in to brush her lips against mine, I couldn’t help but smile. I’d deal with Lucia’s death and finding her killer later. Right now I just wanted to enjoy this moment with the woman I loved.

THE END

Kara A. McLeod is a badass by day and a smartass by night. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Or quite possibly neither. A Jersey girl at heart, “Mac” is an intrepid wanderer who goes wherever the wind takes her. A former Secret Service agent who decided she wanted more out of life than standing in a stairwell and losing an entire month every year to the United Nations General Assembly, she currently resides in Colorado and is still searching hither and yon for the meaning of life, the nearest comic con, and the world’s best margarita.

If anyone has any leads on any of the above, she can be contacted at [email protected].