Accepted (19 page)

It took me about five minutes to realize why Colin spoke about his mother with such a reverence, why pride shown in his eyes every time he brought her up. She was, simply, love personified. It oozed out of her. When she spoke you could hear it in her voice.

If I could have had a mother, I would’ve wanted this one.

And, as she continued speaking, I suddenly understood that she was the reason Colin was the man he was — wonderful, caring, generous, and loving. She was the reason I had fallen in love with…

"I’m so glad I got to meet you, Ashley." Mrs. Haney broke into my thoughts, bringing me back to reality. "I figured it would take an exceptional young woman to keep my son from coming home for Thanksgiving dinner," she grinned at me, "and you are just as lovely as I imagined."

I smiled back at her, but I was confused. "I’m sorry, Mrs. Haney, but what do you mean, you know, keep him from coming home? I didn’t…" I shook my head. "Keep him here."

"I didn’t mean that, dear. It’s just that Colin loves Thanksgiving. For him to skip family dinner." She chuckled. "Well, that’s quite a sacrifice for him."

I wasn’t exactly sure how to react. I felt bad explaining for Colin that I wasn’t the reason he stayed here, but peace and quiet to study was.

"Um, Mrs. Haney, I think you’re mistaken. Colin didn’t stay here for me. He stayed here to study. He had a big exam coming up."

She laughed again, then leaned across the table and put her hand on my arm. "Ashley, Colin had an entire house to himself to study in. I worked most of the weekend, and the kids were with my parents." She cocked her head to the side and the corners of her mouth tipped slightly, seemingly lost in thought, that same compassion from earlier filling her eyes. "When he told me that he wanted to stay so you wouldn’t be alone on your first holiday here, I realized how much he cared for you. I’m so glad I got to spend time with you."

I realized then that Colin’s mother was never going to ask me uncomfortable questions about my life. She was never going to press me about Colin. Mrs. Haney already knew all about me — because Colin had told her.

I thought maybe I should feel something close to anger or betrayal. Instead, I felt quite the opposite. Because as I sat there, looking at Colin’s mother and thinking about Colin giving up his favorite holiday — not to study or for peace, but for me, and he had even told his mother about it — I realized that I was wrong.

I had been
so
wrong.

I thought losing the life that I had built here was the worst thing that could happen, not even realizing that losing Colin meant losing everything. Losing him
was
losing the life I had built.

I had to find him, to apologize. I had to tell him I was sorry. I had to explain, and I had to do it now before I could over-think it or chicken out.

I had to tell Colin I loved him.

I looked up at his mother, still looking at me with those big, kind eyes and calmly said, "I have to go. I’m so sorry, but there’s something that I have to do right now." And even as I apologized, I was beaming, because I finally knew what, or rather who, was important, and I needed him to know. I began gathering my things. "I know how rude I’m being," I explained, still smiling, "but I truly have something important I have to take care of."

Maybe she figured it out, or maybe she understood all along, but as I stood with all my things and apologized one last time, Mrs. Haney smiled back.

Chapter Thirteen

I left the cafeteria and headed straight for the science building. I knew Colin would be getting out of class any minute, and I was hoping to be waiting there when he did.

As I approached the building, students began streaming out of the large double doors and down the steps. I stood off to the side, waiting for him.

After a couple of minutes, I began to worry that I’d missed him. I stood there, watching the steps, looking for any sign of him. The longer I waited the more worried I grew.

Where
was
he? I had just left his mother. Could we have crossed paths? Could I have missed him in my haste? With every minute that passed, I grew more and more anxious.

I began to wonder if coming here and searching him out was the right thing to do. Maybe I should just leave things as they are. I began to have doubts.

And then I saw him.

One minute, I was looking into a group of unfamiliar faces, the next Colin appeared. He walked in my direction, coming towards me but probably not even noticing I was there.

The minute I saw his face, every worry I had disappeared. I knew everything would be okay as long as he was there.

Then, he saw me. He looked right at me, and I could see the moment it registered that I was standing there. I smiled at him; he didn’t smile back. Instead, he paused in the walkway a few feet away from me.

I took a step toward him.

"Colin…"

He said nothing but continued standing there.

I took another step.

"Hi." I smiled again, shyly. "How are you?"

There was suspicion in his eyes as he finally took a step toward me.

"I’m fine, Ashley. What’s up?" His tone
wasn’t
gentle — rather, it sounded annoyed.

My mouth suddenly went dry. I cleared my throat, trying to put the right words together in my head.

"I wanted to talk to you. I…I wanted to apologize."

He looked at me for a moment, doubt still in his eyes. Then he started walking.

"There’s nothing to apologize for, Ashley. Everything’s
fine
."

Shocked by his words, I jogged a few steps to catch up to him.

"Colin, stop. I’m trying to talk to you."

He stopped and turned to me. Now there was hurt filling his eyes — hurt and anger.

"Ashley, I can’t do this right now. I don’t have time."

"You don’t have time?" I asked in disbelief. This was certainly not going how I’d imagined it would. I was trying to pour my heart out to the man I loved, and he didn’t have time?

"Ashley, my mother’s here, and I haven’t even gotten a chance to spend time with her…"

"I know." I cut him off. "I had lunch with her."

"You did what?" Now he was in disbelief.

"I had lunch with your mother. She was great," I answered timidly.

He threw his arms up. "I haven’t even spent five minutes with her today, and you’ve had lunch with her." He chuckled darkly. "Of course, you did."

I reached over and put my hand on his arm. "Colin, I’m so sorry. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have pushed you away." I looked up at him
to gauge his reaction. He was watching me with no emotion in his eyes. I looked down and continued, hoping to get out everything I wanted to say. "I was scared, so scared, that if things changed between us, then…then
everything
would change. I’m so happy here. I didn’t want to mess that up. I didn’t want to not belong. I just wanted everything to stay the same. Then things started changing anyway, and I tried to fight it, but I couldn’t..." I looked up into his eyes. "We aren’t just friends, Colin. We haven’t been
just
friends, not for a while and…"

"Ashley." His voice was gentle, but his words were not. "I can’t have this conversation, not now."

"But, Colin, I…"

"I’m sorry, Ashley, I just don’t have time. I have to go."

And he walked away before I got a chance to say the words I came to say, but I guess I deserved that.

I did the only thing I knew how to do when I lost control of my life: I went running.

I ran to my room, put on my warmest sweats and ran back downstairs toward the door. I barely made out of the dorm before breaking into my stride.

And for the first time in my life, I wasn’t trying to figure out where my life went wrong or who was to blame. I already knew.

It was my clearly my fault this time. I had tried so hard to hold on to things that didn’t matter that I had pushed away the only thing that did.

And as I ran, all of the moments with Colin, all of the mistakes I'd made, came back to me. Everything Colin did, every wonderful thing, assaulted me. Every kindness, every action showed me his importance in my life, and every time I pushed him away and let him believe I didn’t value those actions.

That first day on the staircase. That first week in the lounge. Lunch after our first class.

My first party, when Colin came back for me after walking Randi home, bringing me his sweatshirt, the one that I still haven’t given back. The one I still wrap myself in when I need a little comfort.

Letting me study and stay with him when Danny had visited. Giving me his bed and sleeping in Brett’s.

Thanksgiving.

My first real holiday; the best holiday I could have ever imagined. Taking me out for Chicago pizza, grocery shopping, our dinner — my first Thanksgiving dinner ever. Waking me up early, teaching me football, calling me princess.

And even if I never knew that Colin had stayed just for me, if I never knew that he had chosen me that holiday so I wouldn’t be alone, it still would have been the best weekend of my life.

Kissing Colin. Our last day alone, my first kiss.

Oh no, how could I have not seen it? How could I have pushed him away?

I was sprinting now, full speed. The cold air left my face chapped and burned my throat as I dashed across campus.

I ignored the pain and pushed on, running harder. I’m not sure if I was trying to punish myself or just hoping to feel a pain worse than the one I’d been feeling these past two weeks, but finally my body had enough, or at least my lungs had, and I stopped abruptly.

I leaned over, my hands on my knees and gasped for air, fighting back tears. After a minute, I gave in to my despair and crumpled to the ground. I pulled my knees to my chest and laid my head on them, crying freely now.

He hadn’t even given me the chance to get the words out.

I’m not sure how long I sat there, curled up and freezing, crying on the ground, but just as I was about to try to pull myself together and get up, I heard a voice behind me.

"I’m sorry."

And before I could decide if the voice was real or imagined, Colin was sitting on the ground beside me.

I turned my face to him, fresh tears running down my cheeks, as he hesitantly lifted his hand to my face and wiped away a tear.

"I’m so sorry, Ash. I shouldn’t have walked away from you like that."

He looked sad. His beautiful eyes, usually so bright, we’re blank. He pulled his hand back from my face and crossed his arms.

I shrugged and tried unsuccessfully to smile. "I deserved it. I…"

Colin cut me off. "No, Ashley, you didn’t deserve it. You’ve never lied to me. You’ve never led me on. You’ve
always
said we’d be better as friends." He paused and again lifted his hand to my face to wipe away my tears. "I didn’t listen to you — to what you needed." He shrugged and smiled shyly. "I was being selfish. I should have respected your feelings, and I didn’t, and I’m…"

As I was listening to Colin go on and on, I suddenly realized that he still believed I just wanted to be his friend.

I understood now why he walked away from me earlier. Colin thought I was going to tell him, yet again, how much I missed and needed him but only as a friend.

He still didn’t know how I truly felt.

I felt a grin forming on my lips as I looked at him and said, "Colin, you don’t realize that I love you."

I said it so matter-of-factly that he just stared at me for a second. I thought maybe he didn’t hear me, so I was about to repeat myself when he suddenly spoke.

"What?"

That was
his
brilliant reply.

Still grinning, I turned my body to face his. "That’s what I came to tell you earlier." I reached out and took his hand. "You were right. We aren’t just friends. We are much more than that. Because I love you."

He sat there, looking at me — shock the most prominent emotion in his expression.

Even if he wasn’t expecting yet another conversation on why we could only be friends, he definitely wasn’t expecting this, because he simply continued to sit there, staring at me.

I followed suit, sitting there, staring back, and waiting for his reaction.

The suspense was killing me, so after what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes, I smiled again and asked, "Aren’t you going to say anything?"

And finally, he moved. He shook his head and his face broke into a smile.

"No," was all he said as he pulled me to him.

Just before his lips touched mine, he pulled back.

Alarmed, I opened my eyes. I was worried something was wrong, but he looked amused. He smiled and ran the back of his hand across my cheek.

What?" I asked softly. As I looked up at him, I couldn’t help but smile.

"Nothing." And he smiled again. "You’re not going to run away this time."

It was a statement, not a question.

I reached up and put my arms around his neck, pulling his face to mine.

"I’m not going to run away this time," I replied as I touched my lips to his.

The first time Colin kissed me was intense. It was fast and furious and all-consuming. This kiss wasn’t like that.

Colin with his guard down was a completely different Colin. This kiss was slow, seductive. This was a
good
kiss.

When Colin finally pulled his mouth from mine, it was to trail light kisses down my neck and back up. I moaned, and he took full advantage. He pushed his hands into my hair and wrapped it around his fingers, using the leverage to tilt my head as he opened his mouth over mine. I moaned again and sagged against him. He smiled against my mouth. His other hand grasped my hip, pulling me harder against him.

If he’d kissed me like this in his dorm room, I would never have been able to leave.

But we weren’t in his dorm room today. We were outside in broad daylight, in the middle of campus.

I couldn’t even pull my lips from Colin’s to remind him where we were. I just mumbled against his mouth, hoping he understood.

When Colin finally pulled his lips from mine, he sighed and rested his forehead against mine, his arms still around me. We stood like that for a moment, but when I opened my eyes, I felt the weight of what I’d done come crashing down.