Accepted (18 page)

When Becca finally confronted me about the change, I almost let her in. I was going to. The draw to have someone to confide in was strong, but my inability to discuss Colin — to put into words what transpired that weekend and what we shared — without completely breaking down was stronger.

We were coming back from the library when she brought it up. One minute, we were walking in a comfortable silence; the next she was asking about Thanksgiving.

"So, are you going to tell me what happened?"

I looked over at her, surprised and a little confused. "What do you mean what happened?"

She tried to smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. "Over break, Ash. Thanksgiving?" She stopped walking. "You know what I’m talking about — you and Colin. Something happened between you guys, and it wasn’t good, judging from the way you two are avoiding each other."

I really wasn’t all that surprised that Becca wondered what happened or even that she was asking to me about it. I had known right away that she knew something was up. What surprised me was the way she asked, the concern in her voice, the sadness in her eyes. The fact that she wasn’t upset with me for whatever had happened between me and Colin; instead she was upset
for
me. That, I hadn’t expected.

I smiled at her, but I knew it wasn’t a very convincing smile. "Nothing happened, Becca. We’re fine."

She chuckled. "Now, I don’t believe that at all." She began walking again. "It’s okay, Ashley. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m here, you know. You can talk to me. I wouldn’t tell anyone your business." Becca looked at me, her face full of compassion, and smiled.

I smiled back. "I do know that, Becca. I would. I just don’t want to talk about it."

"Okay," she said, and she reached over and put her arm around my shoulder. She squeezed me to her and said softly, "I’m here when you do."

"Thank you," I whispered, tears filling my eyes — not because she’d upset me but because I believed her.

Having Becca in my life helped me get through the difficult days, not just because she was around to keep my mind occupied, but because she knew — not everything and nothing specific, but she knew something had gone on and still she stood right beside me.

****

The full reality of the change didn’t truly hit me until I ran into Colin late one night — more like fell into him actually.

I decided, like I do many nights, to study in the library. My fear of running into Colin was bordering on the irrational. I couldn’t face him, though. Not only had I offended him, but I’d hurt him — a lot.

Spending time away from the dorm helped me, too. I was able to focus more on my studies. There were certainly less distractions away from Mikkelsen Hall.

The library was open every night until midnight, and I’d taken to staying there until closing. It was getting colder out, and we’d recently been hit with rain, so walking around campus, especially late at night, had become treacherous business.

On this night, I gathered my books to head back to my dorm just a few minutes before twelve. As I approached the exit, I saw through the glass doors that the ground was looking particularly shiny tonight.

I ventured out of the doors carefully, taking my time and being extra careful to ensure I stayed on my feet. Unfortunately, I wasn’t careful enough.

Only a few steps out of the building, I hit a particularly large and slick iced-over portion of sidewalk and almost instantly felt my legs fly out from under me as I soared backward.

I knew I was going to crash into the ground, bottom first, and even worse, so was my beloved MP3 player — my prized possession that not only served as my constant study buddy but as the only tangible reminder of my Thanksgiving weekend with Colin.

Everything moved in slow motion, and I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable when, suddenly, I felt a strong arms encircle my waist, lifting me up and back onto my unsteady feet, saving me from my cold, hard fate. Then, just as suddenly as the arms caught me, a hand reached out and caught my MP3 player, saving it from crashing into the ground.

And before I even saw his face, I knew it was Colin.

After he righted me, Colin reached out to hand me my MP3 player, but instead of taking it, I stood there staring at him for an immeasurable moment. He stared back, and in his eyes, I saw the same pain I felt in mine.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything that would take his pain away — to tell him I’m sorry, to make him forgive me. Anything that would make things right again.

But before I could say anything, he interrupted me.

"Here," and he shoved the MP3 player at me.

I reached out and took it, surprised by his tone.

"Colin…"

I paused, searching for the right words, but he turned before I found them and strode away, calling, "You’re welcome," over his shoulder.

****

I was pretty sure that things couldn’t get any worse.

Colin hated me, and rightfully so. I had pushed him away, and in doing so, had pushed him too far. The perfect little world I had constructed was falling apart — worse, I had only myself to blame.

I was feeling extremely sorry for myself as I walked back to residence hall. I just wanted to get home and fall into bed. Needless to say, I was not happy at all to find Randi sprawled across my bed reading.

"Where’s Amber?" I tried to keep my disappointment at seeing her out of my voice, but by the look on Randi’s face, I wasn’t very successful.

"In the shower. What’s
your
problem?" She sat up but didn’t leave my bed. I walked over and threw my bag on it anyway.

"Nothing’s wrong. I’m tired."

"Sure you are," she said, and she rolled her eyes at me.

"Excuse me?" Tonight was seriously not the night for her to start with me. I was sad, cold, and tired, and I didn’t think I had it in me to submit to Randi tonight.

She gave me a look— that was part patronizing, part disgusted, and slightly tinged with superiority.

And tonight was
seriously
not the night for her to start with me.

"Do you have a problem, Randi?" I asked innocently. I’m not sure if I was trying to goad her, but the minute the words came out of my mouth, I knew this was going to end badly.

But I also knew that I really had nothing more to lose.

The look she gave me now was one of surprise. Randi didn’t realize I could stand up for myself.

"No," she began, "it’s just that you’re always in a bad mood lately, and you’re always saying that you’re tired."

I gave her a look. "Um, well maybe that’s because I
am
tired."

She rolled her eyes at me for the second time and snorted — not the most becoming sound.

I sighed. "What, Randi?"

"Well, Ashley…" Her tone was one of condemnation. "I’ve noticed that you’ve been spending a lot of time with Colin lately, and I think that maybe you have a problem with Colin's and my relationship."

And in the face of Randi’s accusation, I thought I would feel fear, and if not that, then maybe sorrow or some kind of grief. This line of questioning could lead to only one place — the end of our friendship. At least, that's what I had been telling myself for months.

But in place of the fear that I ought to have been feeling, I felt anger.

"What?" I exclaimed, and at my irate tone, Randi’s eyes widened in disbelief.

She actually believed that I was intimidated by hers and Colin’s relationship. Not all that unreasonable, given that just an hour ago, I believed that, too.

"What relationship, Randi? I thought you guys were just friends."

To that, she could say nothing, and suddenly I realized that I was wrong. It wasn’t Randi stopping me from being with Colin; it was me. I could see in her face that even she realized there was never anything more between them.

For a moment, I felt bad. The mess I had gotten into wasn’t Randi's fault. It was mine alone, and while I had no idea how to fix it, at least I could try to salvage our friendship.

"I’m sorry, Randi. I didn’t mean to say it like that, but no, that’s not the problem. In case you haven’t noticed, Colin and I haven’t been spending time together lately at all." I shrugged.

"Oh, I hadn’t noticed. Well, whatever. It’s no big deal. Get some sleep, and maybe you won’t be so tired tomorrow."

She wasn’t being overtly mean, but she wasn’t too friendly, either. I guess she hadn’t noticed that Colin and I had a falling out, but now that she knew, I’d bet she planned on being there to help him to pick up the pieces.

I changed into my pajamas and waited for Amber to return to our room. Judging from the amount of time it took her to come back from the shower, I could only assume that Randi intercepted her and filled her in on our conversation. However, I couldn’t be sure, because when she got to our room, Amber was perfectly pleasant to me. It wasn’t exactly the reaction I expected, but I guess Randi was just so relieved that Colin and I were no longer friends that she didn’t care why.

****

The next day when I entered the cafeteria for lunch, I saw no reason not to sit with Amber and Randi like I did every other day. I got my food and went toward the table we usually inhabited. I was surprised as I approached the table and found there was an attractive older woman sitting with them. As I drew near, the woman looked up, noticed me, and smiled.

Instantly, I knew that I was looking at Colin’s mother. She looked just like him, sharing his olive skin and striking blue eyes, but it was her smile that really gave her away. It was kind, like Colin’s, and when she smiled at me, it felt right. It felt like Colin’s.

I looked around the room, searching for Colin, but he was nowhere to be found. I hesitated, just a few feet from the table, trying to decide if I should go on and sit down or just turn and find a different place to sit. Before I could make the decision, Amber spotted me, and I had no choice but to join them. Luckily, both Amber and Randi had class in a little bit, so at least the torture would be brief.

I set my tray of food on the table and turned to the stranger.

"Hi." I extended my hand to her. I didn’t want to seem rude. "I’m Ashley. I live with Amber."

Immediately, the woman’s face lit up. "Oh, Ashley, it’s so nice to meet you. I’m Nicole Haney, Colin’s mom. I’ve heard so much about you." And she smiled the most genuine smile.

I smiled back. "I’ve heard a lot about you too, Dr. Haney."

Then, I sat down and picked up my sandwich. I had no idea what to say next, so I hoped desperately that one of the other girls would pick up the conversation. Thankfully, Randi did.

"Nicole came up to visit Colin for the day, but since he’s at class, I decided to bring her to lunch," Randi said, reminding me — as if I could forget — that she and Colin were close, close enough that she called Colin’s mom by her first name.

Dr. Haney just chuckled. "Thank goodness you did, or I’d be stuck in that cave Colin and Brett call a room." She forced an exaggerated shudder and made a face.

I laughed, remembering my disgust the first time I witnessed Brett’s laundry habits firsthand.

Still laughing, Dr. Haney continued, "I have no idea what I’m going to do when you girls have class. I’m afraid that if I spend a prolonged period of time in Colin’s room, I’ll break down and start cleaning."

Randi laughed with her for a minute then turned to me and said, "You’re done for the day, aren’t you Ashley?" She smiled sweetly — too sweetly — at me. "Colin has class until one-thirty today. Why don’t you keep Nicole company?"

I very quickly tried to think of an excuse — anything that could get me out of spending the next hour with Colin’s mom. At best, spending time with Dr. Haney meant I’d see Colin for a second, hopefully from afar, as I reunited him with his mother. At worst, spending time with her meant she’d ask about my life or my friendship with Colin.

I didn’t look forward to either prospect.

"Ashley?"

"Huh?" I snapped back to attention and turned to Randi.

She was smirking. "I asked if you were free this afternoon."

"Oh, I’m sorry. Yes, of course." And I forced myself to smile at her.

"Great," Dr. Haney said as she smiled another of those genuine smiles.

For the next ten minutes, I ate in silence, grateful that Randi and Amber dominated the conversation. I was worried about what would happen when they left, so I cherished those last few minutes.

I had no idea what would happen when they left. I was not equipped to handle parents. I didn’t know how to talk to them. I never even had parents of my own; I certainly didn’t know what to do with someone else’s mother. What would I say? How would I act?

Unfortunately, I didn’t have very long to wonder. Before I knew it, Randi and Amber were gathering their things and rising from the table. They said goodbye, and I was left alone with Colin’s mom.

I sat there, awkwardly, for a moment as Dr. Haney stared at me. Then, she leaned forward and, with a world of kindness in her eyes, said, "So, Ashley, Colin told me that you’re also Pre Med. Tell me, what kind of doctor do you want to be?" She smiled at me again.

I was struck by both the compassion in her eyes and the tenderness in her tone. For a second, I sat there motionless, taking her in. The way she leaned in, the way she looked at me, made me feel like I’d known her forever.

Kind of like Colin had in the beginning.

"I’m not sure, actually." I shrugged. "I change my mind all the time. Probably, after today, it’ll be oncology," I said referring to her specialty.

She chuckled and said, "I bet you’d be good at it."

Then, with that kindness still in her eyes, she proceeded to ask me more questions about school, medicine and my studies. She asked about classes I liked and ones I disliked. She asked about the science classes I couldn’t wait to take and the facets of science and medicine I couldn’t wait to learn. She asked me about the college as a whole and how I’d enjoyed my first semester there. The conversation flowed easily, naturally, and I was left to wonder what I had even been worrying about earlier.