Accepted (10 page)

Apparently, my anger from earlier had waned. I wondered when that happened. Yes, I was being irrational, but Colin still hadn’t done anything to make up for whatever had me angry to begin with and still, here I sat, smiling at him like I hadn’t a care in the world.

I guess I just couldn’t stay mad at him.

He looked at his watch. "Wow, it’s really late."

"What time is it?"

"It’s almost two."

That was odd. It felt like barely half an hour had passed. Either I was really liking studying Spanish, or I was really liking relaxing on Colin’s bed.

And I hate Spanish.

"Two?" I rubbed my eyes and stretched. "How is it two?" I stood up, grabbed my bag off the floor, and looked at Colin. "I’m going to get ready for bed," and I pointed in the general direction of the bathroom.

He nodded his head. "Okay, yeah. Me too."

As I walked down the hall to the ladies' bathroom, I began to wonder about what would happen when we got back to his room. Colin insisted he’d be spending the night in Brett’s bed, but he had yet to begin straightening up Brett’s side of the room enough to clear off the bed and make it functional — a project that I assumed would take at least thirty minutes.

I also wondered about Colin’s choice of nighttime apparel. The only time I’d ever seen Colin in pajamas, he was shirtless. While I assumed sleeping shirtless was common among men, I seriously doubted my ability to sleep while Colin was shirtless just a few feet away from me.

Well, I seriously doubted my ability to sleep either way.

I quickly washed my face and brushed my teeth then headed back to Colin’s room. Colin had beaten me back to the room, and when I walked in, he was clearing off Brett’s bed. Thankfully, he was wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt.

I stood watching him in the doorway for a minute. He looked up from what he was doing and ran his hand through his hair.

"I probably should have done this earlier." He gestured at Brett’s bed.

I crinkled my nose as I looked to Brett’s side of the room. "I’d help you, but I really don’t want to touch his dirty clothes." I shrugged and made a face.

Colin laughed and threw a shirt at me. I shrieked and jumped out of the way, narrowly escaping being hit by the shirt. Colin picked up a sock and waved it toward me ominously. I ran, giggling, over to Colin’s bed and slid under the covers for protection. I heard the sock hit the wall and fall to the floor.

I peeked out from under the covers. Colin was standing next to Brett’s bed with a huge smile on his face and holding, presumably, the other sock.

I pulled the comforter back over my head.

"You know, if you throw that at me, you’re actually throwing it at your bed. This is a no-win situation for you." I heard him laugh. "I think you should just put the sock down and leave your poor bed in peace."

I didn’t hear anything for a minute, so I peeked out from under the covers again. Colin was looking down at me, an amused look on his face. Thankfully, he dropped the sock.

"What?" I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

He just stared at me for another minute then walked to the lamp on his desk and switched the light off. In the darkness, I heard him cross the room and climb into Brett’s bed.

"Goodnight, Ashley."

"Goodnight," I replied, and for some reason, my voice shook.

****

Everything changed in the darkness. Almost immediately, I became aware of the silence. The only sound in the room was the sound of Colin and I breathing. A second later, I became aware of the smell.

I was wrapped in Colin’s blankets, lying on his pillow. Everything surrounding me smelled like him. I was engulfed in it; I was engulfed in
him
.

Spending the night in his room, lying in his bed, wrapped in his blankets, listening to him breathe – it was either a terrific fantasy or a terrible nightmare.

It was a terrible nightmare.

As I lay there, listening to him breathe, I wondered if he was asleep or if he, like me, lay awake hoping the other person didn’t realize it. I concentrated on keeping my breathing regulated so he wouldn’t know I was awake, and I wondered if he was doing the same.

I lay there, taking in the scent of him, wishing that he wasn’t lying in a bed across the room, wishing instead that he was lying with me. Wondering what it would be like to lie here next to him, his arms wrapped around me, and wondering what it was like waking up next to him.

All the while, I knew that this would be the closest I'd ever come.

Sleep completely eluded me that night. Not that I would’ve gotten much anyway. By the time we went to bed, it had to be at least two-thirty.

After what seemed like an hour of obsessing over whether or not Colin was awake, he began to snore quietly from across the room. It was a comforting sound, soothing, not only because I finally knew that he was truly sleeping, but because it broke up the silence.

I lay there, trying to get Colin out of my mind — trying desperately to think about anything or anyone but the man snoring softly four feet away from me. I was unsuccessful, and sometime between when Colin began snoring and when the sun began rising, I realized how close I came to crossing the only line I drew for myself since I arrived here.

And I realized that I could
not
allow that to happen.

I don’t know exactly what time the sun came up; all I know is that my residence hall was completely silent that morning when I quietly exited Colin’s room and made my way down the hall to the bathroom.

I still had nowhere to go, but I couldn’t risk staying in Colin’s room. I had decided sometime early this morning that my only course of action was to stay away from Colin, at least in situations where it was just the two of us. I could handle public situations, but in private, I apparently couldn’t control myself. My only option was to avoid him.

Chapter Seven

Avoiding Colin was infinitely more difficult that I’d initially imagined it would be.

There were many reasons for this: our shared residence, our shared class, and our shared friends. However, the most prominent reason was none of these — it was me. It was that when I wasn’t around Colin, I missed him.

I tried to avoid him in spite of all this. In our class, I only spoke to him when necessary, and on the walk to lunch afterward, I politely listened, but never engaged in conversation with him. Once we were at lunch, I put as much distance between Colin and myself as possible — distance in the form of Randi and Amber.

Being around Randi was always a huge help. Whenever she encountered Colin, she made every effort to monopolize his attention. This trait, while extremely annoying — even though I was not supposed to care — proved helpful over the following weeks as I diligently tried to keep my distance.

For a while, it worked. I made it through midterms, and even a couple of weeks after, having hardly any contact at all with Colin.

It was obvious that my behavior bothered him, but I don’t think he knew what to do. At first, it was like he brushed it off, essentially ignoring my avoidance and treating me like he always did. After a few days, though, he started to back off, barely engaging me in conversation, knowing I’d hardly answer anyway. I could tell that my initial ambivalence hurt him, but even more so when I followed it up with avoidance. Colin’s face always lit up when he saw me. It was such a welcoming sight. But after a few weeks of my near-silent treatment, that light went out.

A few weeks after midterms, Colin stopped me one morning as we left class on our way to the dining hall.

One minute, we were walking in our predictable silence, the next minute, Colin grabbed my elbow and abruptly stopped — effectively stopping me with him. He pulled me to him and moved us both off the sidewalk, onto the grass. He let go of my arm and leaned against a tree, staring down at the ground. I just stood there, shocked by the sudden action, and glared at him.

After a moment, he lifted his eyes to mine. There was a sadness in them.

"Do you like me, Ashley?" Colin asked gently.

I was surprised by the question, so much that it took me over a minute to answer him.

"Of course I like you, Colin," I finally said, shaking my head.

"Really?" he asked somewhat harshly, looking right into my eyes. "Well, how
much
do you like me, Ashley?"

I just stared at him, unsure of how to answer the question.

As Colin absorbed the puzzled expression on my face, his own expression changed. He no longer looked sad. Now he looked frustrated, angry even.

He pushed off the tree and took a step toward me, leaning down until his face was just inches from mine.

"How much do you like me, Ashley? Because I can’t figure it out." He ran his hand through his hair and turned from me. "You like me enough to want my company — to seem really happy when I show up — but not enough to move forward." He turned back to me, and threw his hands up, emphasizing his frustration.

He leaned in again, putting his face just above mine.

"You like me enough to almost kiss me." His voice lowered, and he looked at my lips. "But not enough to let your friends know it. You know, Ash, sometimes it seems like you really like me, and other times it seems like you’re trying really hard
not
to like me."

Colin took another step toward me. He was so close now that I had to strain my neck to look into his face above mine. He put his hand on the side of my face, just like he did the night of the party, the night he came back for me and walked me home. Then, he said softly, "But it never seems like you don’t like me." He paused then asked, "So…what’s
really
going on, Ashley?"

As I looked up at him, his expression again sad, I struggled to keep myself calm and composed. I tried to take a step back from Colin but found that I was backed against a tree.

I spoke softly. "I told you, Colin, you’re an amazing friend." Then I repeated the exact words I’d said to him as he walked me home from that first party. "You have no idea how much it means to me that you are such a great friend. It means the world to me."

I could tell by his expression that my words didn’t inspire the same empathy as they did that first night. I looked down as I continued. I didn’t want to see Colin’s face as I said the words. I didn’t want to see his answer before I heard it.

"I don’t want more than that, Colin. Can’t you just be my friend? Can’t that be enough?"

I kept my eyes fixed on the ground as I heard him let out a long, shaky breath. I just stood there waiting for his answer, hoping it was yes.

"No."

He spoke so softly that, were I not listening for it, I may never have heard the word.

"I don’t think it’s enough — not for either of us."

And as I stood there with my head down and my back against the tree, I felt him turn and walk away. I tried to call out after him, to yell "wait!" I didn’t, though; I was frozen.

I’m not sure how many minutes I spent leaning against that tree, fighting off the overwhelming sadness threatening to drown me. Everything I'd done these last couple of months, I did in an attempt to prevent this very moment from occurring — the moment that I lost one of them.

****

I didn’t go to lunch that day, partly because I was afraid that Colin did and partly because I just couldn’t face Amber and Randi.

I took my time walking back to my dorm room, all the while replaying the last two months in my mind. They were all happy images — especially the ones including Colin. I knew there were moments that weren’t perfect, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to recall them.

Instead, I remembered the times Colin was there right when I needed someone. He was there the first day when I needed help carrying my bag and finding my room. He was there the night of the dorm exercise, when I was afraid no one would want to partner with me. He was there the night of my first party, when he came back for me so I wouldn’t have to walk home alone. He was there the night Danny visited, and I had nowhere to go, and he let me into his room.

Even these past few weeks, as I was obviously ignoring him, Colin still sat stoically next to me in every class and walked in silence with me to every lunch.

As I approached the steps of my dorm, these images flashing through my mind, the realization that Colin had just turned and walked out of my life came crashing down on me.

But along with it came the other memories — the imperfect ones. The times I upset him by avoiding his questions about me, and the night of the party when I told him we’d only be friends. And I remembered that I’d never lied to Colin or led him on. I made it very clear that friendship was all I could give him — even if both of us wanted more. I had tried to prevent this. I had taken every possible step to keep our relationship platonic. And finally, I realized it wasn’t my fault that Colin walked away from me, from our friendship…but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

****

When I got back to my room, I was exhausted, and I was sad.

I just wanted to be alone and to take a nap. I changed into my most comfortable pair of sweats and crawled into my bed, thankful for the hour and a half of peace Amber’s schedule afforded me.

I must’ve fallen asleep quickly, because it only felt like a minute had passed when I heard voices right outside my door. I rubbed my eyes and turned over, looking for the clock. Sure enough, my hour and a half of peace was through, so I sat up to greet Amber and whoever was with her.

"Hey! You’re sleeping? You never sleep during the day." Amber looked at me suspiciously.

"I took a little nap. I was up late studying." I shrugged. Confiding in Amber was not an option, so I was forced to lie.

Good thing I did, too, because as I looked past Amber into the hallway, Randi suddenly appeared.

"So," Amber began, seemingly appeased by my excuse. "We…" She gestured between herself and Randi. "Were thinking about Halloween, and we decided that the four of us should do a group theme. Isn’t that an awesome idea"?"