Absolution (10 page)

Luke rubbed at his tired, burning eyes. “Damn.”

He’d been afraid of this. Afghanistan was complicated enough without this shit. “Jamie’s on this already I take it?”

“Yeah. He wants a meeting with all of us.”

“Miller too?” Luke had a long-standing friendly rivalry with the Kabul station chief, so working 73

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together was always entertaining. Too bad this meeting couldn’t be under less serious circumstances because he could sure use a laugh or two.

“That’s affirm.”

“I’ll fly out in the morning.” At least it would save him another encounter with Em. “What’s the latest intel?”

The line crackled for a few seconds. “Word is Tehrazzi’s looking for you, on the move out of the mountains, but that’s all I’ve got so far.”

A rush of energy flooded his veins. “What’s Miller’s take on it?”

“The same. None of his contacts have intercepted anything useful yet.”

Too bad. “I’ll be in Beirut day after tomorrow.

You staying put for now?”

“Think so. Could change once we talk to James.”

“No doubt,” Luke muttered.

Ending the call, he pulled back onto the road and headed for Emily’s. Stupid, to stay up all night outside her house like a stalker, but he needed to watch over her himself tonight. Probably would be better off driving straight to D.C., but an early flight would get him there soon enough.

Pale moonlight sparkled on the water as he crossed back over the river into Charleston, the city peaceful and calm in the Christmas hush. Whole place looked like a postcard, or an illustration in a children’s book. Nothing like the places he would go once he went overseas. He tapped his thumb against the steering wheel.

So Tehrazzi was on the move, trying to find him.

Might have left the mountains to head for Kabul.

Might be for the best, Luke reflected. He could draw Tehrazzi out this way, lure him to where he wanted him. Anyplace was fine, so long as it was far away from Emily, but the less populated the area the better. Things with Tehrazzi always got messy and 74

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Luke preferred minimizing collateral damage when possible.

The CIA had many sources in Kabul. It would be tough to find out who Tehrazzi’s contact was. They needed to find the informant, but for Luke the most important thing right now was Emily. He couldn’t stay and protect her though, because suddenly the prey had become the hunter.

Whether she liked it or not, Emily was going to Beirut.

75

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When Rayne finally left her room with a kiss on her cheek, Emily collapsed back onto the pillows with a tired sigh and rubbed a hand over her eyes.

Putting on a happy face was beginning to exhaust her, but she’d keep up the front if it meant easing everyone’s anxiety levels and maintaining the peace between Rayne and Luke. It was a role she was intimately familiar with, and she’d been doing it since the day Luke left. For years she’d kept the reason why he’d left from everyone, including their son, because she hadn’t wanted Rayne to grow up hating or fearing his father. And because she’d naively hoped Luke might come back if she guarded that dark secret. That he would somehow find his way back to them if she kept it to herself.

Though Rayne now knew about the incident with the knife, he still harbored a degree of resentment toward his father. Whatever happened, she didn’t want any more friction between them, so if she had to smile and pretend everything was fine, and that Luke telling her she had to go to Beirut didn’t bother her in the least, so be it.

Not that she would go. Not a chance. But the coming confrontation with Luke wasn’t going to be fun. She just hoped it happened after Rayne left for the airport in the morning.

Her throat tightened, and she rolled her eyes at herself. Stupid, to get emotional over him leaving. It wasn’t like she wouldn’t see him again. She had at least enough time for a few more visits if things went well.

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Someone tapped on the door. Sighing, she raised up onto her elbows. “Come in.”

The door edged open and Bryn poked her head in. “Hey.”

“Hi. If you’re coming to check on my mental state, I’m fine.”

Shutting the door soundlessly behind her, Bryn raised a dark brow. “You sure about that?”

“Yes.” And if everyone could let her be for a while, she
would
be fine.

Her friend completely ignored her and came over to sit on the foot of the antique cherry spool bed.

“I’m flying out to Beirut day after tomorrow. Dec wants me to go, says he and Luke think it’s the safest thing for all of us.”

She should have expected them to gang up on her. Emily closed her eyes. “Bryn...”

“I know you don’t want to go, and I understand it’s because you’re in treatment and you’re scared.”

“I’m not scared.”

Bryn stared at her. “Yes you are. I think you’re every bit as scared of Luke as you are of the cancer.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Am I?”

Yes, she wanted to shout, but kept calm. That was her default mode. Everyone expected it from her. She’d been raised to be ladylike, and no matter how much she wanted to lose it now and again, she usually held it together. Which is why the disastrous confrontation with Luke earlier was so embarrassing. He was the last person on earth she wanted to see her come unglued. In front of him, she wanted to appear rational, serene and independent.

Not exactly the impression she’d left him with, was it? Emily considered the truth of Bryn’s statement and figured she’d better explain herself. “Seeing him just reminds me of what I can’t have—let alone that 77

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I’d promised myself I would let him go before I broke up with Alex.”

“Oh, please. You expect me to swallow that?”

“Yes!” She pushed up onto one elbow and glared at her friend.
This
was the support she needed? “I had to let the idea of being with him go in order to face all of this. Holding on to him that way was killing me.”

Bryn’s gaze was far too knowing. “It killed you for twenty years. You expect me to believe you could just snap your fingers and forget about him one day?”

She didn’t expect Bryn to understand. “I haven’t
forgotten
about him, even if I wish I could.”

“Do you?”

Emily frowned. “Do I what?”

“Do you really wish you could forget about him?”

“Sometimes.” And sometimes she wished he’d pushed that knife deep enough to end her suffering all those years ago. It was cowardly for her to even think it, but in her darkest moments, she had. If not for Rayne to refocus her energies, she didn’t know what she might have done to escape the pain. “I can’t pine away for him and fight this at the same time.” When Bryn merely kept staring at her, she sighed. “What?”

“Since I’m your best friend, do you want my honest opinion?”

Was there another kind when it came to Bryn?

She withheld a sigh. “Go ahead.”

She laid a hand on Emily’s shoulder, and her eyes were sympathetic. “You’re not over him, babe.”

“I didn’t say I was
over
him,” she replied with tried patience, “I said I had to let him
go
. Meaning the idea of being with him again. And not just in bed,” she added, still unsettled by how close she’d come to making that fatal mistake again. “That’s not enough for me, and it would do more damage than 78

Absolution

has already been done.” Some part of her knew it would kill her this time if she let her guard down and then lost him again.

A small silence passed before Bryn spoke. “What did he say to you?”

Emily aimed a bland look at her. “Like you don’t already know?”

Bryn shrugged, not at all bothered by the comment. “If I hadn’t, one look at your son’s face when he came downstairs would have told me it didn’t go well.”

Not entirely true. Parts of it had gone far, far too well. Another reason she couldn’t go to Beirut. “I need to stay here while I’m in treatment.”

“No, you don’t. Neveah and Ben will both take care of you—”

“I’m not going just because there’s an astronomical chance a terrorist will come after me.”

It took everything she had not to shout it, and she placed a hand over the hot ball sitting in her stomach. Why couldn’t everyone leave her alone?

Couldn’t they all see how upsetting it was?

“Em, you don’t know this guy like I do. Like Luke does.” Bryn’s eyes were shadowed with worry.

“He can get to you here, believe me.”

“I already told Luke that doesn’t make sense.

Why would I be a target now when I’ve barely spoken to Luke since he left? I’m not important enough to warrant that kind of attention from a terrorist.”

“Apparently you are, or Luke wouldn’t be here asking you to go to Beirut with the rest of us.”

Asking? That’s exactly it—Luke never asked, he peremptorily
ordered
, and expected people to jump.

Emily glared. “And you’re going for sure? Even after what happened to you last time? How does Luke know you’ll be safe now?”

“Dec pretty much ordered me to go, Em. And 79

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don’t forget Ben was head of my father’s security team over there. He knows the place and the networking in Beirut better than anyone. Not to state the obvious, but our guys are a lot better versed in security measures than we are. It would be stupid for us not to take their advice.” She held up a hand. “And before you remind me that Ben’s supervision wasn’t enough to prevent Tehrazzi getting to me the first time, Dec agrees it makes sense to put all of us women together in a secure location, rather than having us scattered around where we can’t have adequate protection. Besides, Tehrazzi’s in Afghanistan, or at least they think he is. We’ll be safe in Beirut.”

“Leave it alone, Bryn.”

With an irritated sigh, her friend took hold of her hands. “If you won’t do it for your own safety and for my peace of mind,” she murmured, gazing deep into her eyes, “then do it for Luke’s.”

Emily’s heart squeezed at the mention of his name. “What do you mean?”

“Come on, Em...he flew here to see you because I sent him an e-mail—”

“He what?”

Bryn rolled her eyes. “It’s not important why he’s here, the point is he was worried enough to come here and see you. He’s tracking the most dangerous terrorist on the planet, and for him to have the added weight of worrying about your safety from the other side of the world is only going to endanger him and everyone else on the team.

Including my husband,” she finished, her voice catching.

A layer of guilt settled over her already bubbling stomach. “Nice, Bryn. That’s just what I needed, a guilt trip on top of everything else.”

“Sorry, but it’s true.”

God, she had enough to deal with without 80

Absolution

having other people’s lives slung onto the yoke around her neck. And to hell with feeling bad about what Luke was going through. Everything that
had
happened and
was
happening to him was self-inflicted. She’d done everything in her power to make things right between them. For
years
. His pride and his job had always won out.

But Bryn continued to watch her with dark, worried eyes, and uncertainty crept in. Maybe her decision
would
affect Luke’s frame of mind. She couldn’t rule out the possibility entirely. He had to care about her to some extent, or he wouldn’t have shown up here in the first place.

She looked away from Bryn and started toying with the cuffs of her sleep-shirt. Would it really bother Luke that much if she stayed stateside?

Enough to distract him while he was out in the field?

She doubted it, but then again, was she prepared to put it to the test? People’s lives were at stake here, and she couldn’t be selfish. Luke had flown in from Baton Rouge to see her, on Boxing Day no less. He wouldn’t have asked her to go if it wasn’t important to him. She shook her head at Bryn. “How am I supposed to live in the same house as him?”

“It’s a big house,” Bryn encouraged. “You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to, and he’ll be out in the field most of the time.”

“Oh God, don’t remind me.” Being there while he was out doing missions would be damn hard on her, regardless of their strained relationship. She didn’t wish him ill, and didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. If she could help him by going to Beirut, she could also give Bryn some support.

Because Bryn was going to need it. Being married to an active duty SEAL was hard enough without a strong network to draw on.

Emily pulled her hands out of Bryn’s grip, rubbed them over her face and then through her 81

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short hair. She was opening her mouth to say okay when Bryn’s gaze shot to the pillow Emily lay on, and her stomach shriveled at the shock on her friend’s pretty face. “What?”

Bryn brought a hand up to her mouth, a sure sign something was wrong. “Um...”

Sitting up, Emily swiveled around to find a tuft of hair lying on the creamy pillowcase. Her heart sank.
Ah, damn.
She touched the dark strands, then reached up to find the tiny bare spot on her scalp.

Oh, for—
More hair came out in her hand. “Shit.”

Bryn made a strangled sound, almost like a nervous laugh, staring at her with her hand over her mouth.

A smile tugged at Emily’s lips. She rarely swore, and in an ironic way it was kind of funny that her hair would fall out in the middle of this conversation. She thanked God it hadn’t happened in front of Luke. “The doctors told me I would probably wake up one morning with my hair on my pillow, but this gives the warning a whole new meaning.” And right on time, too, almost three weeks to the day since her first chemo treatment.

As an awkward silence ensued, she called on her inner strength. At least she was prepared for this.

Now all she had to do was go through with the rest of it. “Well.” She smacked her palms against her thighs, mind made up. “Guess it’s time to shave my head.”

Bryn looked at her in alarm, shock clear in her expression. “Are you...sure?”