Absolute Surrender (41 page)

Frightened.

Yes, he had been, and Hugh could clearly see it. Charles was angry with himself for feeling so helpless, so frightened. This woman made him feel so many things he was unaccustomed to feeling. Charles stopped trying to pull away from Hugh and turned, meeting his eyes. Daring him to point out again how weak he was as a man.

Hugh straightened, cleared his throat, and Charles saw fear in his eyes as well, knew it, because he now understood it.

Hugh spoke. “The first time—”

Hugh let go of Charles’s arm, tapped him once on his shoulder then turned to look at Amelia and sank into one of the chairs by the fire. Hugh let out a heavy breath, then started again.

“The first time it happened was the day I told her I was off to Eton. We were walking out here, away from everyone, just as…just as it usually was. I was leaving in two months
’
time. She should have known I was to go, I don
’
t…it shouldn
’
t have been such a surprise.” Hugh leaned forward on his knees, and Charles moved to the chair across from him, not taking his eyes from Hugh
’
s face as he continued.

Hugh
’
s words were stilted, slow. “I told her I was leaving. I thought nothing of it. She went pale. Her eyes…the color was gone. Her hands fell to her sides. I mean,
every part of her
seemed to simply vanish with the wind across the moors. It was like the breeze had come through and simply swept her soul away with it. I didn
’
t understand. I didn
’
t realize what was happening. She hit the ground before I even moved to help her.” Hugh
’
s fingers weaved together, and the tension in his hands turned his knuckles white.

“I didn
’
t know what to do,” Hugh said after a time. “I considered running for help, but I didn
’
t want to leave her alone out here. I simply stood there for the longest time.” Hi
s voice dropped.
“I stood there, staring at her, as though I were imagining this and any moment I would awaken to see her running from the wood. I just…
stood
there.”

Charles watched as Hugh bumped his knuckles against his forehead before he went on.

“Finally, I realized she wasn
’
t getting up, so I knelt, picked her up, carried her here, though I thought my legs would explode in flame…we
’
d only just come to the clearing…”

Hugh looked up suddenly and caught Charles’s eyes. “Charles. That terror”—Hugh pointed to Amelia, then himself—“I understand it.” Hugh held his hands open toward Charles. “Our Amelia wasn
’
t always this way…or perhaps she was of a fashion, but not the same as it is now. She was always safe as a child. There was no cause for it. She and I, we were inseparable…this you know.”

Charles nodded, leaned back in the chair to attempt to dissipate some of the heat of the tension coursing his muscles. He closed his eyes and listened intently to Hugh
’
s story.

“I believe it was that I was leaving, and she feared being alone, though she wasn
’
t aware of it. We had this way about us, you see. We had these games.
Damn me
and such. I believe we controlled her issue, without even knowing what we did. Children are brilliant like that. Making up languages, devising games…”

Hugh went silent for a while, and Charles listened for her breathing across the room, steady and quiet. Charles turned and watched the sheet rise and fall, her tiny movements as she shifted.

“I laid her here, on the bed, talked to her the entire time, smoothed her hair back, massaged her muscles, certainly annoyed the hell out of her with my tending. But she came back to me. It seemed to take forever…and maybe back then, it did take longer. We didn
’
t understand. We were unpracticed—unlike now. She
’
s learned the signs. She
’
s become adept at slowing the process, sometimes even stopping the advance altogether. She knows when the panic sets in. I
’
ve become adept as well, as will you…”

Charles turned his head to find Hugh looking directly at him.

“You will. You won
’
t need me. You won
’
t. You must understand this. Just remember: She always comes back,” Hugh said quietly. Charles started to shake his head, but Hugh waved it off. “Listen, please. Louisa…I chose her for Amelia. I taught her everything I know, and she
’
s learned to care for her as I do. She has more to lose than any of us, and her love of Amelia was born of that dedication. She may even be more adept at handling Amelia
’
s episodes than I am at this point.” Hugh was speaking very softly, and Charles knew he didn
’
t want Amelia to hear what he was saying.

“You
’
re attempting to back away,” Charles said, and then he actually looked at Hugh, took him in, realized Hugh was fully dressed…boots, jacket, waistcoat, etcetera, and Charles was angry. “You were leaving!”

He practically launched himself from the chair, and Hugh stood as well in defense. Charles cut a glance to Amelia and attempted to control his anger, yet he seethed with it. “After all that
’
s happened between us this weekend, you yet attempt to walk away.” It was more accusation than question.

Hugh looked at Amelia then. “My staying by her side would only call attention to her. The very attention we
’
ve been trying so hard to avoid. The attention she doesn
’
t need. Married to you…she
’
ll be safe. No one would dare go against you and take her against your will. My very existence in her life is a danger to her. I cannot protect her. She could be too easily taken from me, and I have not the means to protect her.” He held his hands up in front of him, begging Charles to stay himself.

“Coward,” Charles seethed.

“And perhaps I am, but in this world, what kind of
goddamned
choice
do I have?
” Hugh threw back at him, his hands fisting.

“But I
’
m incapable of love,” Charles said quietly.

Hugh stared at him, and Charles supposed the statement was a bit odd. Then Hugh spoke. “Ridiculous. You simply don
’
t know what it means. You simply don
’
t understand, because you
’
ve never been loved, but you
’
ll understand. You
’
ll learn.”

“No…I
do
understand,”
Charles said.
“When I see the two of you, I do understand. I can see it so easily between you, and I don
’
t begrudge you that, amazingly, I don
’
t. I…I
was
jealous of you until I found I couldn
’
t be jealous of something I find simply incomprehensible.”

Hugh shook his head. “She
’
ll be furious.”

“
I am furious,
if you hadn
’
t noticed.” Charles stepped forward and leaned toward Hugh as he pointed at himself. Charles knew his lip was curled, tried to sway the conversation before something happened he would regret. “We shouldn
’
t be talking about her again.”

“But it
’
s the nature of three,” Hugh said. “It
’
s an impossibility to always converse with all three of us, by the nature of it. As she would need to get used to the two of us chatting, you and I would need to get used to the same treatment as well. I couldn
’
t possibly expect that whenever you were alone with her that I would not come up in discussion. You see? An impossibility. Are you prepared for a relationship of so broad a structure? So open a discussion?”

Charles couldn
’
t say he
’
d even considered it, and certainly a part of him shied from that. “We said we would do whatever it took. To see her happy…
we
would do whatever needed be done.”

Don
’
t beg,
Charles thought.

Begging is beneath you. Convince him. You
’
re a duke. You have that power. Make this happen.

These were his father
’
s words. His father
’
s voice in his head.

Hugh spoke, breaking through his thoughts. “We did, yes. But can
’
t you see now that it will be possible for the two of you to carry on without me?” Hugh sounded pained, his voice strained and hurt, and Charles knew it, because he knew that pain.

“No,” Charles replied quietly, restrained as best he could. “I
don
’
t
agree. You
don
’
t
seem to understand…she will
never
be whole without you.” Charles pointed at her, then pointed at Hugh as he took a step toward him. “Just as
you
said, you
’
ve been part of each other
’
s lives for so long that you are two halves of the same coin. One side is only good
with
the other.”

“Charles?”

Charles hardly heard her and refused to look toward the shuffling noises. He shook his head, then collapsed back into the chair and waited. What the bloody hell was he to do? Now he was angry again, and not with her, but with Hugh…and himself, if he were being honest. Mostly with himself, truthfully. Charles knew he could convince Hugh. It wouldn
’
t take much, he imagined. If Charles had felt that way for someone, he could never leave them, no matter the circumstance. At least he believed such.

Charles couldn
’
t let her know that Hugh intended to leave her. To leave them. Charles still had to convince him, and he could. At any rate, Hugh couldn
’
t just leave now without telling her. Hugh was a better man than that.

Charles glanced up to see she was fiddling with the quilt that was once again wrapped around her shoulders. He let out a breath at the sight of her, knowing she was truly okay.

“You frightened me,” Charles blurted out, then shook his head, knowing that wasn
’
t what he should have said, knowing that showed his weakness too blatantly and, as well, it placed the blame on her, not where it belonged—on his own shoulders. “You don
’
t need…you love him.” Charles pointed at Hugh and knew he wasn
’
t making sense.

“Of course I love Hugh,” she said, confused. “I
’
ve known him the whole of my life. I
’
ve always loved him.” She looked back to Charles, and he knew she felt the need to defend herself. “He
’
s been everything to me when I had nothing—no one. Out here—”

Charles cut her off. “Yes, out here at the ends of the earth, the friends we have are those born to us. I quite remember what you said that day. Trust me, I remember everything you say with crystal clarity. It seems to be rather a nuisance at this particular juncture.” Charles closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. He wasn
’
t doing better. His frustration was with himself, his reaction to her episode, with Hugh as well…but Charles was acting like this was her fault. He needed to just stop talking. He looked to Hugh for help.

“Amelia,” Hugh started slowly, and Charles realized he didn
’
t like the tone of his voice and feared what he was to say next. “It
’
s time I quit Pembroke for London. I
’
ve been away for too long. I
’
d considered leaving while you slept, but…I didn
’
t want to startle you. But now, as we
’
re all awake, and well…you understand I should depart. We can
’
t all three of us be missing after the incident at the Row.”

Damn him,
Charles thought. Hugh intended to abandon her yet and leave her without disclosing his intentions. Leave her pain for Charles to deal with.

Charles’s opinions of Hugh shattered in that instant. What a great deal of work it would take to repair Hugh
’
s good name in
his
eyes…if ever. As far as Charles was concerned, he would ruin Hugh in every possible way. And he had that power. It was something that was born to him, belonged to him, something that he was.
The reckoning.
Charles hadn
’
t truly lived up to that moniker…yet.

Charles bit his thumb as he stared daggers at Hugh, who was spinning a beautiful tale of wanting to cover for their escapade, to get back to the
ton
, to make some excuses, to be seen where he should be seen, etcetera. It was only so much buzzing in Charles’s ears now, fodder from a liar.

Charles cut him off. “Are you sure, Hugh, that this is how you mean to move forward? I wish you to be quite certain that
this
is how you intend to go on from here,” Charles ground out, trying to get his intention across in the simplest, most direct way he possibly could, without openly threatening Hugh in front of Amelia. Everything he did to Hugh from here on out would be kept from her.