Absolute Surrender (21 page)

“That would be my doing, my lady,” Jackson said with a grin.

She turned back to the midnight-blue barouche in the drive. The brass trim sparkled in the sun with a high polish, and the soft cream-colored seats awaited them. Jackson had the top down and had picked Hugh up on the way to her town home, so this was the only carriage in the drive. Something he was quite sure she also noticed. Possibly the reason for her raised brow.

Amelia walked toward the carriage and Hugh held back, allowing Jackson to assist her to the bench. “I hope this is acceptable. I assumed we would need a carriage for four, and with such a beautiful day, I thought you might enjoy the ride with the sunshine. If you prefer, I can have my men raise the calash.”

“No, thank you. I believe this perfect,” Amelia said with a smile to him.

To him. Score one, Jackson,
Hugh thought, then shook it off. This was no longer a competition, even though she had asked him to not hold back. This was about her. Solely.

Hugh walked down the steps and handed Louisa in to sit next to Amelia, then he and Jackson ascended the steps, taking the rear-facing seat.

They drove on in silence, each looking in a different direction, Louisa awkwardly drawing their attention to a silly child, or prancing horse, or a spectacular dress. It seemed that in this particular situation, Louisa needed more comfort from Amelia than the other way around, and perhaps it helped Amelia, to be responsible.

When Amelia finally spoke, she drew all their attention. “If I were not myself, and you were someone else, I
’
d say so much to you both.”

Hugh and Jackson both continued to watch her, while Louisa turned away, quietly finding things to place her attention on.

“I would be able to tell you true that I can hardly think. I can barely breathe. I feel as though I
’
m sinking into both of you. So lost. So lost.” Amelia shook her head and watched her hands as they tangled on her lap.

Jackson tensed, in the flex of his arm as he bumped against him. Hugh nudged Charles’s boot with the toe of his shoe, then saw a slight nod from the corner of his eye.

“This situation concerns me. For so many reasons. It
’
s terribly unfair to you, Hugh, because you
’
re simply waiting to see if I can handle being a duchess, and if not, you
’
ll come in to sweep up what remains, take me home, put me back together.”

“Amelia—” Hugh started, but she stayed him. She should know that wasn
’
t at all how he considered this situation, though he could see where she would think it.

“It
’
s equally unfair to you, Charles. As you should be free to choose from all the proper ladies of the
ton
to run your household, and yet I hold you to an agreement made by our fathers decades ago.” She held her hand up to him before he could disagree as well. They all knew what he would say, because they all knew she had the wrong of it.

“In the meantime, I can tell neither of you what I wish for, because I
’
m so torn between the two of you. You are, quite obviously, very different men. And I believe I love both of you in equal measure. I stayed up last night in consideration of this predicament, because I could not sleep anyway after…after what happened…yesterday.”

“Amelia, we
’
re both quite aware of what happened yesterday, but perhaps we shouldn’t mention it,” Jackson said, but Hugh knew there was no issue with Louisa. Chances were she knew more about Amelia’s feelings on the matter than the two of them did…combined. Hugh had made sure Louisa understood her perfectly when he had chosen her to be Amelia
’
s maid.

Amelia shook her head then, confirming his suspicions. “Louisa knows everything.”

Hugh couldn’t help but smile. He wasn’t sure whether it was because he knew her so well, or because of the look of shock on Jackson’s face. Which quite pleased him.

“Oh, look! A family of ducks is just going for a swim there. How darling.”

They all looked to Louisa, who smiled.

Leave it to Louisa to break the tension,
Amelia thought. Louisa did know her well. Not best, but well. Hugh knew her best, but he was dealing with much more than just her at the moment. His mind might be elsewhere. He had been rather silent.

Speaking with them had been difficult. Pulling up to the Row in the park, as it turned out, was to be worse. Everyone looked at them curiously as they passed.

She tensed and wished to tell the driver to move on, to leave, as quickly as possible, but she didn’t. This trip to Hyde Park had been a terrible miscalculation on their part, while in truth it was an acceptable test of her ability to handle the
ton
.

“Drive on.”

Amelia looked at Charles then. The carriage jerked and pulled back into the lane.

Charles turned to the driver behind him. “Home,” Charles said quietly.

She shivered at the thought of being alone with them again.

“You’ve started something in doing this,” Hugh said to Charles.

“I agree. However, I wish to be somewhere more comfortable.
I
am uncomfortable. I don
’t wish to be.” Charles looked at her then, and she knew that he was more aware of her discomfort than that he was uncomfortable himself. Though the consideration touched her. “There is enough about this outing without having to deal with these old bats and their opinions. Staying or leaving, tongues will wag. It
’
s entirely too late to stay them, so why remain here and be miserable? What’s done is done.”

“Agreed,” Hugh said.

Amelia was amazed at how easily Charles made these decisions. He simply decided he wanted something to be a certain way, proclaimed it as such, then waited for the world to shift beneath his feet to acquiesce. “Charles, I must beg you, forgive me for placing you in such a position. Yours should always be honorable, not associated with this.” She waved her hand toward herself.
He shouldn’t have to deal with this. He has enough.
The thought saddened her.

“You misunderstand if you believe that what I do now is because of my title and my responsibility. What kind of man would I be if I dishonored you? If I cut you in public and walked away from our agreement? What kind of man would that make me?” Charles asked.

“In the eyes of the
ton
? A smart one,” she answered.

“And what of the eyes of Ender? For we know that my opinion would be biased. If I did this, Ender, what does that make me?” he asked without taking his gaze from hers.

“The worst sort of jackass,” Hugh answered easily.

She smiled. She couldn’t help it.

“
Well
…” Charles started, “what is it the two of you always said?
Damn me.
Yes, damn me, Ender thinks me a jackass.”

“Actually, not to make too fine a point of it, but he actually does not think you a jackass. Quite the opposite. Well, in this particular instance, anyway.”

A warmth expanded from her chest, and she wished, quite desperately, to reach out and take their hands, but it was quite obvious that neither of them would have any of that at the moment.

They both seemed on edge there, bouncing against each other in the barouche. She couldn’t possibly endeavor to make light of the situation they found themselves in, as she had quite possibly bred this situation. She knew Hugh had always loved her, but she hadn’t known that Charles was in this for much more than a wife—until recently—and he had worn that fact on his sleeve for her. Had not withheld from her the truth of his want. Charles had allowed her to know his deepest thoughts on her without prejudice or bias against her relationship with Hugh. No, he wasn’t a jackass. He was quite the opposite. This was possibly a thorn in Hugh’
s side,
as it would have been much easier for Hugh to hate a jackass.

They turned onto Grosvenor, and Charles gave instructions to the driver to pull around to the mews.

Amelia watched Hugh for a moment, knowing he didn’t appreciate Charles mentioning their childhood game, the one they still often played out of habit. Their game was beyond irreverent, terribly uncouth. Charles hadn’t been privy to those games of heart. He had been disallowed any participation in any of the true games she and Hugh had played as children.

It saddened her suddenly. They might have had more time together to be friends, and the thought occurred to her as well that Hugh and Charles might have been quite good friends had she not been a factor in it all. They both had this terribly strong sense of ethics and morals. Something that was well used in the House
.

The carriage turned onto Charles Street, then Adam
’
s Mews and entered a small pull-through surrounded by walls of stone.

Hugh descended first and brought Louisa down. Then Charles descended and reached for Amelia
’
s hand. When she looked back up, Hugh had entered the property through a large iron gate, seemingly deep in thought, his eyes on the great expanse of this refuge in the city. It seemed Charles had a park all his own behind his town home.

Charles took her hand, carefully, very carefully, and placed it on his arm. She watched, the heat of his touch sinking through layers of gloves, the warmth spreading through to her bones. Amelia attempted to allow the heat to work on her the way Hugh
’
s touch always did.

“It
’
s peaceful here,”
Charles said.

Peaceful. Yes. Something she
’
d always adored about Pembroke-by-the-Sea was the great expanse of the moors and the comfort that expanse brought. London always seemed to close in on her and made her more nervous than usual. Interesting, that. That when she felt the most freedom from herself was when she was unbound, a great expanse outside herself to reach into—
that
held her together.

They followed Hugh through the gate, and she took in the green. The back of Charles’s town home was primarily a massive lawn surrounded by flowering bushes and trees that hid the great stone walls encompassing them. The effect was lovely and much more peaceful than most fashionable gardens, landscaped with fountains and small labyrinthine hedges meant to move people with the illusion of space. She often believed them pretentious and more confined.

“Is he well?” Charles asked.

Amelia looked to Hugh, who was inspecting the back of the town house. “I imagine the last days have quite tried his patience, finding that you were unworthy of his trickery in particular. It has been a difficult few days, for all of us.”

Charles nodded to the coachman, and the rear gate closed them in, giving her heart a momentary squeeze with that solid and final-sounding clank. Charles handed her down to the earth beneath a large willow, then followed, resting a safe enough distance from her skirts, and her person. Safe in distance, when all she truly wanted was to be held closely so as not to fall apart.

“By your leave, my lord, shall I ask to have a luncheon made up?”

“Of course, Louisa, that would be lovely. There
’
s a side garden with tables that leads directly to the kitchens. Just let Mrs. Harrington know I sent you and that we are not to be disturbed here.”

Louisa curtsied, and Amelia watched her walk to the back of the house, speak with Hugh, then round the corner.

“Yesterday”—Charles cleared his throat—“I must apologize. This all came as a bit of a shock to me, you understand. I never expected that when I asked for his help that it would come in quite such a fashion. Not that I believe he expected to be aiding in such a way, either.”

“
No, I imagine not,
” Amelia said. Hugh walked toward them then. “Please sit with us,” she said quietly.

Hugh laid himself out, watching the sun through the heavy branches of the tree, his head on his hands.

“You
’
ve been quiet,” she said.

“I
’
ve much to consider, Amelia, and I
’
m not at all sure you
’
ll be accepting of what it is I have to say. As well, I
’
m concerned about speaking with you in front of Charles. No offense.”