Absolute Lovers (Absolute #2) (20 page)

"It may not for others, but it
will
work for
us," I said. "We're not in high school. We're two adults and it's not
like you're going to a party school with fraternities and, um, ‘keggers,’ I
believe they're called."

A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

"You know you can trust me," I continued. "I
won't stray. I will never do a thing to hurt you."

"I know that," she said softly. "I wouldn't
ever do that to you, either."

"And it's not as though we won't see each other,"
I told her, taking her hand again. "You'll come home for Christmas and I
can visit you for spring break. There are three-day weekends here and I'm sure
they have all kinds of crazy holidays in Europe when you won't have
classes." I leaned down and kissed her lips.

"We can write letters and emails. We'll talk on the
phone all the time," I said and kissed her again.

"Or Skype," she sniffed as the last of her tears
dried up.

"Absolutely! I, um, I don't actually know how that
works exactly, but we'll do that, too!" I watched as she smiled again.

"Please don't think that this has to end. I want you to
follow your dream, corny as that sounds," I said. "We can make this
work, sweetheart. I know we can."

"How can you be so sure?" She looked up at me and
I cupped her face in my hands.

"Because we love each other," I said softly.
"And because we want to make it work. It won't be forever and we still
have a little time before you have to leave, right?"

"Yeah, I guess," she said, nuzzling my chest with
her cheek. "I can't believe you've talked me into considering this."

I can't believe it either. I've actually been trying to
convince my girlfriend to leave me for almost an entire year. There has got to
be something wrong with me!

But I knew there was nothing
wrong
with me—I
was being a mature grownup. It would be so much more gratifying to be young and
stupid at a moment like this and tell Julia that she shouldn't go, that there
was nothing out there in the world for her, and that she ought to stay with me
forever. But of course I couldn't do that, however much I wanted to.

"I just want you to be happy," I whispered.

"I am," she said. "I already am, I
swear."

"But you want to go," I whispered into her hair.

She didn't say anything, but I felt her breathing pick up as
she pressed herself against me.

"I'm sorry," she whimpered. "I don't know
why. I'm so happy with you, Stephen. I shouldn't want to go." She let out
a sob and started crying in earnest.

"I must be fucking crazy," she cried, clinging to
me.

"Oh no, sweetheart," I whispered and lifted her
all the way into my lap. "There's nothing wrong with you for wanting to
go. I understand."

"I don't," she said, shaking her head.

"It's the right decision. You're so smart, Julia. The
smartest, most dedicated student I've ever had in any of my classes. Of course
you want to go where you can learn more. You wouldn't be the girl I fell in
love with if you didn't prioritize your studies."

After having lived with Julia during her finals, I knew how
much her education meant to her and I didn't know how I could have thought for
even a second that she truly didn't want this wonderful opportunity that so
many students competed over.

"Please, can we just not talk anymore about this
tonight?" she whispered. "I'm tired and I can't think about deciding
anything right now."

I nodded and stood up, still holding Julia in my arms. I
carried her to the bedroom, where I lay her gently on the bed and undressed
her. Her eyes never left my face as I took off my own clothes and lay down
between her parted legs. Our kisses were deep and unhurried, our caresses slow
and loving. When I pushed into her she moaned softly and her eyes never left
mine.

"I love you," she told me over and over again, as
if she were afraid that I didn't believe her.

But I knew that she loved me. She loved me so much that if I
asked her not to go, she wouldn't. She would give up her dream to stay here
with me and I knew that I had to do the same. I would have to give up the dream
of seeing her every day and starting a life with her. I had planned to ask her
to move in with me once the semester started, but I knew that wouldn't happen
now. My dream had to wait in order for her dream to come true. For her I could
do this. Only for her.

She hadn't said anything, but somehow I knew that the
decision had been made. She was leaving and it was the way it was supposed to
be. The sweet girl in my arms who had experienced so much death in her young
life was finally going to live life to the fullest, taking every experience
that it had to offer.

And I would be right here waiting for her to return to me. I
had no other choice, because she would be taking my heart with her when she
left.

"I love you," I whispered as we lay together,
tired and satisfied after our lovemaking.

I held her closer as though she was already slipping away
from me. But she was still here, soft and warm in my embrace. I would spend
every moment with her from now and until the second she had to leave and it
wouldn't be nearly enough. It would never be enough. I knew it and yet I
couldn't ask her to stay. I wouldn't do that to her. She had made me come alive
and given me so many new experiences and adventures. How could I possibly stop
her from pursuing the one thing she had wanted but never thought she would
achieve? Julia would go to one of the finest universities in Europe and dazzle
them with her wit and knowledge. She would learn things there that she couldn't
here and once she returned, she would be even further ahead of her peers.

And she would be able to do this because she had people back
home who loved her and supported her decision, especially her boyfriend. I
would send her off with a smile on my face and then I would come home, lock the
door, and cry my eyes out because my heart was gone, along with the only woman
I would ever love.

"I love you, Stephen," Julia mumbled and snuggled
even closer to me.

"Forever," I whispered and closed my eyes to hold
back the tears. "Forever, my sweetheart."

The incessant beeping of my alarm
clock woke me up and I reached out, silencing it with my eyes still closed. I
didn't feel well rested at all. My arm swept across the cold patch of mattress
next to me, a harsh reminder that I was alone in bed. Again. Still.

Julia had been gone for more than two months. How I had
managed to make it this long, I had no idea.

It hadn't gotten any easier to wake up without her, but at
least I had somewhere to be, a purpose for getting out of bed. It was the
middle of the fall semester and I had classes today.

It's afternoon over there. Julia’s probably at school
right now attending that lit class she told me about.

She had chosen to go to London for her year abroad, both
because she was able to get into a great university and also because she had
loved the city when she visited it after high school. Even the fact that she
had been there with her idiotic ex-boyfriend, the one who cheated on her once
they got to France, hadn't changed her feelings about it and it had been her
top choice. Of course she was accepted immediately, and on September 1 she had
boarded a plane to New York and then another to Gatwick Airport just outside of
London.

It hadn't been easy convincing her to go. There were many
tears and heated arguments between us in the days after I found out about the
scholarship. She had been extraordinarily stubborn about the whole thing, but I
wouldn't relent, and with the help of both Sophia and Megan we were able to
make her see that it was the right decision for her. All three of us had assured
her that we would still be here when she came back and that nothing would ever
change the way we felt about her.

I truly believed that. Splitting up or going on a break
never once entered my mind and Julia never mentioned anything like it either. I
still wanted to be with her and maybe I was naïve, but I fully believed that we
were the exception to the rule when it came to long-distance relationships and
their lack of success. I believed with all my heart that we would get through
this. Together.

My feelings for Julia hadn't waned at all in the time that
she had been away and I hoped it was the same for her. We talked on the phone
at least every other day and we sent emails every night before bed. I lived for
those emails and phone calls. Even if she’d had a long and tiring day she
always wrote me at least a few lines about what she had been doing and ended it
with an “I love you.”

Always an “I love you.”

Every time I read those words they made my heart clench.
Every time she whispered them over the phone they brought tears to my eyes. I
missed her more than I could put into words, something I’d discovered when I
tried my hand at writing poetry as an outlet for all the heartache that I felt.
What a disaster that had turned out to be. I was certainly no poet. I was just
a man in love who wanted his girlfriend to return to him. I had written her
dozens of letters in which I told her how I couldn't sleep, how nothing was the
same without her, and how I longed for her desperately. They were all lying in
the top drawer of my desk at home. I couldn't send them to her because I knew
that they would only make her sad, and that was the last thing I wanted.

I could feel it creeping up on me, the loneliness that had
been my almost constant companion before Julia came into my life and filled it
with love, laughter, and passion. Things I never knew life could be filled
with, things I never knew I could actually have. Before her, I hadn’t realized
how lonely I had been, but now I couldn't escape it. I felt it all the time,
even though I did my best to keep it at bay.

So I spent nearly every day at my office at the university
instead of working from home because I couldn't stand being in my empty
apartment all day. My mother and Richard invited me over a lot more than they
had before and I was grateful for their pity. I did whatever I could to
postpone crawling into a cold empty bed at the end of the day. I would lie
there staring up at the ceiling, wondering if Julia was asleep halfway around
the world or if she had already gotten up. She never mentioned having trouble
sleeping when we talked, but then again, neither did I.

And I was brave every time we spoke—for her. All I
really wanted to do was beg her to come home, even though I knew it was
horrible and selfish of me. Of course I never did that. I asked about her
classes and the friends that she had made at school. I laughed at the stories
she told me of stuffy old professors who claimed not to understand her “Yankee
accent” and smiled as I listened to her describe all the things she saw around
London. I told her that I loved her and missed her and how incredibly
incredibly proud I was of her and then I hung up, and then, on some nights when
I was feeling particularly miserable, I would cry.

I didn’t tell anyone about that, though. Not my brother,
when he asked me how I was holding up. Not my parents, when they hugged me a
little longer than usual. Not Brian when he wanted details on the classes my
brilliant girlfriend attended. And especially not Julia.

I would never tell her how badly I was coping without her
because I knew it would make her feel guilty for leaving. She was doing so well
over there, just as I had expected that she would, and I needed to pull myself
together and be supportive. Even if her absence was killing me, even if I was
miserable every single day we spent apart, and even if I fell asleep and woke
up with nothing but her on my mind. She was succeeding and fulfilling her
dream, and I wasn't about to ruin it for her because I couldn't cope with her absence.
I had been the one to encourage her and I would continue to do so even if it
meant hiding my true feelings.

But God, I miss her.

I rolled over on my stomach and buried my face in what had once
been her pillow. It now served as something for me to cling to, pathetically,
when I thought my heart would break into a million pieces if I had to spend one
more night without her in my arms. I shifted my hips and pressed myself into
the mattress, noting with disinterest that I had an erection. I hardly even
bothered with “Kerou-whacking” these days, as Matt had put it. It was just an
empty release when the pressure became too much. After being with Julia, there
was no real pleasure in self-pleasure.

I finally got out of bed and went through my morning routine
with lethargic movements. I looked at myself in the mirror and cringed at the
tired old man staring back at me. Well, maybe not technically old, but I
certainly didn't
feel
young. Not anymore. I just felt miserable. And
with that miserable feeling as my constant companion, I went to work, where
nothing was exciting because there was no opinionated girl with smudgy makeup
in the front row to challenge me.

I knew that I wasn’t coping very well with Julia's absence.
Having never been subjected to heartbreak and longing, I was certain that I was
acting much like a lovelorn teenager. I sulked, I pouted, and I wallowed.

But I hadn’t anticipated being met by four concerned-looking
friends as I came home that afternoon.

"What are you doing here?" I asked my brother and
his entourage as I unlocked my apartment. "Did we have plans?"

It wasn’t likely, since I avoided their company most of the
time these days. It hurt too much being the fifth wheel and I didn't like
intruding on their double dates. I also was certain that they only asked
because they felt sorry for me.

Sophia and Megan exchanged nervous glances, and dread hit
me.

"Did something happen to Julia?" I demanded.
"Is she all right? Tell me!"

"No! She's fine," Sophia assured me. "We're,
um, we're actually here for you, Stephen."

"Me? What do you mean?" I turned to my brother.

"This is sort of an intervention, bro," he said,
looking awkward.

"An intervention? But I don't have a drinking or
gambling problem."

"You have a Jules problem," Megan said softly.

I thought that she was kidding but I quickly realized from
the look on her face that she was being serious. They all were.

"No, not a problem," Shawn corrected. "That's
not what this is about. We're concerned. You're not acting like yourself."

I let out a hollow-sounding laugh because he couldn't be
more wrong. I was acting exactly as I had before I met Julia: lonely, miserable,
and sad.

"You never want to come out with us," Matt said.
"We've asked you so many times and you always say no, and then I feel like
shit because I know that you're here all alone. It's not good for you."

"I know you miss her," Sophia piped up. "We
miss her, too. But you can't put your whole life on hold because she's away.
Jules wouldn't want you to sit home every night by the phone waiting in case
she calls. You
can
leave the house, Stephen. That's the whole point of
having cellphones."

She smiled as if she had just made a joke, but I didn’t find
it funny, and frankly her attempt to make light of my misery made me angry.

"It's so easy for you, isn't it?" I practically
sneered. "Coming here to my home and accusing me of…what, exactly? Missing
her too much? Reacting badly to the fact that I feel gutted and hollow and
really fucking miserable all the goddamn time? Well, I do! Sorry to disappoint
you! How the hell would you react if Shawn suddenly moved away? You two can't
stand to be apart for two fucking minutes! I'd like to see how you would
cope!"

I pointed an accusing finger at the girl in front of me, who
now looked embarrassed, probably because she knew that I was right. She and
Shawn had been almost inseparable ever since they met. But the hurt look in her
eyes made my anger dissipate as quickly as it came. Matt was gaping at me and I
remembered that he had never really heard me swear before. I still didn't do it
very often outside the bedroom but I was feeling beyond frustrated and sad,
although I hadn't meant to take it out on Sophia. She was merely trying to
help. They all were.

"I just… I miss her, you know?" I said weakly and
sat down on the nearest chair, feeling exhausted. "Sorry. I shouldn't have
yelled at you."

"It's OK," she said. "I can't imagine how
hard this must be. We miss
you
, Stephen. We like having you around and,
well, we kind of promised Jules that we would make sure you didn't turn all
reclusive once she left. She was worried about you."

"You haven't told her anything about me, have
you?" I asked. "That I haven't been, err, coping well?" That
would be awful. Julia couldn't know any of this. It would only cause her pain
to know how badly I was faring without her.

Sophia shook her head, looking sad. "No, but maybe you
should."

"Are you joking? What good could possibly come out of
that? I can't ruin this for her!" I insisted. "Besides, you were the
one who made me encourage her to leave in the first place, remember?"

"I know." Sophia nodded. "But I didn't think
it would affect you like this. Both of you."

"Both of us?"

"You
and
Jules," she said quietly.

"Sophia," Megan warned.

"What do you mean?” I asked. “She's doing great over
there. She loves her classes and London, and she's made some good friends
already. You know that. You talk to her almost as much I do, right?”

"Yeah, I do. But Stephen, about what you said,"
Sophia started.

"Sophia!" Megan interrupted, more insistent this
time. "Don't."

"What's going on?" I demanded. "Tell
me!"

"I think maybe I made a mistake," Sophia said,
leaning into Shawn as he put his arm around her.

"A mistake about Julia?"

She nodded. "I'm not entirely sure that Jules is as
happy as she's letting on. I knew that she was going to miss you, but I didn't
expect her to…be so…I don't know, sad," she said with a helpless shrug.

I didn't understand. Julia seemed fine whenever I talked to
her on the phone.

"We think that she's pretending for you," Megan
finally said with a sigh. "She wouldn't want us to tell you, but I guess
Sophia is right. Jules isn't really happy over there like we thought she would
be."

What?

I felt as though someone had punched me in the gut. Or at
least this was how I imagined it would feel.

Julia is sad and hiding it from me!

This wasn't how it was supposed to be at all. The whole
point of her leaving was to make her happy. That was the only thing that
mattered, and it was only because her happiness meant everything to me that I
had been able to endure her absence these past two months.

"She's pretending?" I whispered. "She's been
lying to me?"

Megan sighed again. "She wants you to be proud of her,
Stephen. She's always talking about her studies and how she can't wait to tell
you about something that’s happened in class. She looks up to you, you
know?"

"But I'm proud of her no matter what she does. She
doesn't have to have a perfect GPA. That's not why I'm with her."

"Maybe you should tell her that," Sophia
suggested. "She's so hard on herself when it comes to school, and having a
professor for a boyfriend probably isn't helping her loosen up just a little
and actually enjoying herself while she's abroad. She's always at the library
when we talk to her."

I nodded pensively. I knew that my girlfriend spent a great
deal of her time studying, but I had never considered that she might be
overdoing it. I had always been very studious myself, but now that I thought
about it I knew that it had never brought me genuine happiness. Julia had been
the one to do that, and while we had been together here I had eased up on my
workload and for once didn't turn in academic articles at the earliest date
possible. I had relaxed and had fun for the first time in my life. I wanted the
same for her. What was the point of going to an entirely different continent if
she spent every waking hour cooped up in a stuffy library?