Abruption (26 page)

In a perfect world, under different circumstances, Guy should have been the first to hear the words. But our worlds were far from perfect. And as of now, I was the last person Guy wanted to see.
I’m … taking my minute.

God, I needed to fix this.

And I needed my best friend’s help.

“I love him and I messed up, Luc. And the worst part is that I think he might love me too. Well, not the real me, because I don’t even know who that is anymore.” My voice cracked, but I refused to give in. “And those kids. My God, Luc, they are the most beautiful little people. They’re so sweet and precious … and when I read Guy’s message about Finn, my world stopped. I needed to be with him and Guy and Maxie, even though she hates when I call her Maxie, I can’t stop myself … I needed to be with
them
more than I needed to breathe. I belonged there. I
belong
with them.”

Belonging with Guy and his children meant I no longer belonged to anyone else.

Snag, snip, tear.

Lucca squeezed my hand tighter, his way of showing me he understood what I was really saying. A moment of silence passed between us, while a knot began to form in my throat. Then Lucca let it rip, like only Lucca could.

“Of course he loves you. He’d have to be a fucking moron not to. I may not be completely sold, but I trust you. More than I trust myself most of the time. Bottom line, I want to see you happy. And for the first time in forever, you are, Jul. He makes you goddamn smile and laugh again. That’s the
real
you. And if he’s the one giving that back to you, then yeah, you belong with him. The world has been deprived of your beautiful glow for too long. Please, no more. If you love me at all, stop being scared and start living again. It’s time for new memories. Because ours aren’t going anywhere—they are permanently ingrained here.” He touched his hand to my heart and cleared his throat. Tears streamed down my face as the knot painfully expanded. “And I’m just putting it out there—if he hurts you, I’m going to fucking kill him.”

A surprised chuckle escaped from my quivering lips, taking the weight compressing my chest with it. In not so many words, Lucca told me it was time to let go and be happy. God, I had never realized how much I needed to hear those words from him. Until now. I swiped away my tears and said, “Luc, you do realize Guy’s got you by a few inches, not to mention you’ve never been in a fight in your life, other than with me?”

“Like Surfer Boy has?”

Good point. I chuckled
again
. Freely. The way I laughed with Guy. The way I remembered laughing.

Lucca wasn’t the jealous type. Overprotective, most definitely. As strange as it sounded, he was the big brother I never had. He was family. Now it was time to explain all the missing pieces to the man I loved.

Suddenly, Lucca’s earlier comment popped into mind. “Wait … what were you talking about before? About the cousin thing?” Lucca’s brow creased, guilt spreading across his face. He’d always sucked at lying. “What did you say, Luc?”

“Hey, don’t blame me. Loverboy thought we were cousins. I certainly never said we were
cousins
.” Then it dawned on me—we used Zio and Zia for our parents in front of him.
Shit
. “And I don’t think he was feeling me showing up with his girl at the ass crack of dawn knowing we weren’t related. His tone and his attitude did a fucking one eighty. And I might have pushed a few buttons, but you should know he’s got a temper.”
Double shit
. “As long as it’s not directed at you, we’ll have no problems.”

“Jesus, Lucca. His three-year-old had a seizure in front of him. Did you have to go all big brother?”

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were
in love
four hours ago. Besides, you didn’t need his attitude today, of all days.”

Lucca was right. I wasn’t upset with him. I should have been clear about our relationship to Guy from the beginning.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m mad at myself for not telling him everything sooner. It’s my fault he jumped to conclusions.”

“Then fix it,” my best friend said, using his firm and stringent voice. The one he used to slice through my thick Italian blood. Although this time it was unnecessary. I already knew where I was headed and what I needed to do.

I will fix it. I have to.

Burying my tear-soaked face against his winter coat, I repeated my earlier sentiment. “Happy Birthday, Lucca. Thank you.”

For everything.
He tucked me against his side and kissed my temple. Together our eyes lifted to the winter sky. Yesterday would be our last trip to our mountain.
Va Bene.

I wasn’t sure if this was the right time or right place, but I guess there was never a right time or place to relive something like this. The giggles coming from inside the room made my stomach flutter. I leaned against the wall outside the open door with my hand over my heart—the one my mother and Lucca both touched only hours before—listening, feeling, praying.

“Jules?” My eyes snapped open when I heard his voice. “What are you doing here?” Guy shut the door behind him. I hated the indifference behind his stare, knowing I put it there.

“Minute’s up,” I answered truthfully. “We need to finish our conversation from earlier.”

“I said everything I needed to say.”

“I swear to you, I wasn’t lying when I told you it wasn’t what you thought. But you’re right. I haven’t been completely honest with you. I need you to know something. Something that I’ve kept walled off in my heart because some days it’s just too much. But I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to.”

He held my gaze for several long seconds drinking in my face, almost like if he blinked I’d be gone.
I’m not going anywhere.
Ducking his head back into the room, he said, “I’ll be back in a few.” I heard more giggles and the pitter-patter of little feet. “Max, please settle down. Maya, can you find something on TV for them?”

The chapel was still empty when we resumed our positions from earlier. Me sitting, Guy pacing in the front. I had enough nervous energy to run a marathon, but I knew if I did this standing my legs would never support me.

“Listen.” He stopped and faced me. “I’m sorry I exploded earlier. I shouldn’t have dropped all that on you. It was too much. It’s just that I feel like I’m sitting around banging my head against the wall, waiting for the next catastrophe. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s frustrating as all hell. My life is like a chronic abruption since that first bleed. Raw and gaping. You barreled in unexpectedly, and for the first time since my life derailed, I started to see possibility again. That’s on me. You promised me nothing.”

“Don’t say that. I’m right here because I want to be. Ask me again.”

“Jules, I’m not doing this. I’m not stupid. You show up in the middle of the night with another man. Disheveled, lips swollen. You know what? It doesn’t even matter.” Guy turned to walk away, activating a panic like I’ve never known.

“Ask me again!” I pleaded.

“No more lies, Jules.”

“I’d never lie to you, Guy. Never, ever. And I hate that you think I was. I didn’t realize you thought Lucca was my cousin, but he is family, like a big brother to me. And today is his birthday. That’s all true. We’ve been best friends since—God, I don’t remember a time before then. And for years, we’ve been going to the Catskills together, but not like you think. The first time we were seventeen. Lucca just got his license and thought it would be fun to borrow his dad’s Impala. We stayed up all night drinking cheap wine coolers and playing card games. Needless to say, we both got punished for a month, and I missed my junior prom. But it was totally worth it. We found a place to escape when either of our families got a little too crazy or whenever the city felt too small. Graduations, birthdays, bad break ups … it became our go-to place. When Lucca’s first Wall Street bonus check cleared and he signed the lease on his BMW, it was the first place we sped to. A month later, we were back to toast my MBA. Dreams we talked about forever were finally coming true. It was surreal. We drank way better than Zima that night, but the hangover was nothing shy of life altering compared to when we were teenagers. We crossed a line we promised each other we’d never cross. Once. I’d say I regret it, but I can’t. Six weeks later, we were back on that mountain trying to absorb the fact that we were going to be parents. It’s the same place my best friend dropped to his knee and asked me to marry him, not out of earth shattering love, but out of responsibility and honor. We brought our three-month-old baby girl there for her first vacation and hiked through the trails. And then we scattered her ashes there only one month later. On Lucca’s birthday.”

I wasn’t sure when my internal temperature skyrocketed or when my eyes drifted closed. But time stood still. I remembered every single second of that fateful day.

“Oh, Jules. God, I’m so sorry. I wish you would have told me sooner.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to. Trust me, I would talk about my Gemma all day, every day if my heart could handle it. But it can’t. She was the very best part of me, my every dream come true. My precious gem, my baby girl. She had the biggest brown eyes you ever saw, perfect little pouty lips, and more hair than I knew what to do with. She was so beautiful and sweet. Even when she fussed, all I had to do was hold her against my chest or nurse her, and she’d coo and snuggle in so close, like she wanted to climb back in.”

The ache was excruciating, but I forced myself to keep going. “She started teething that week, and we were up most of the night. Just the two of us. Not that Lucca didn’t always offer, he did. But I was selfish that way and I loved our middle of the night feedings. Her little gums were so swollen, and she was so cranky. My heart broke for her. I hated that she was in pain. We rocked and paced for hours, but right as the sun came up, so did her smiles. She was as delicious as ever. Mommy, on the other hand, was deliriously exhausted. I knew she’d take an extra long nap though, allowing me to squeeze in a quick catnap. This was our routine, we’d done it dozens of times before.” My voice cracked on my last few words, and I stopped trying to fight my tears. They rolled down my cheeks as I relived in my mind the next few hours that would forever change my life.

This would be the first time I shared this aloud.

“We went for our morning walk, like we did every day. Gemma loved her stroller. It was one of those Bugaboo bassinets on wheels. Lucca was all about top of the line, but I’d never complain about the best for our baby. Besides, she always took the best naps. Like her mama, she loved the fresh air—it would lull her to sleep immediately. She always looked so comfy I never wanted to move her. I never needed to. She was always flat on her back. She couldn’t even turn over yet, and she had plenty of room. I never kept any toys with her, and I always made sure to unzip her Bundleme as soon as we got home so she wasn’t too warm. That day was no different. It shouldn’t have been any different.”

God, why was it different?

“Maybe I should have transferred her into her crib, or maybe I should have made coffee instead of laying down on the couch. Why didn’t I park the stroller a few inches closer to me? I could have heard her. Heard something.” I cupped a hand over my mouth to catch the sobs that tore through me, and with the other I held up my pointer finger. “One. One hour,” I croaked.

Sixty minutes.

“I fell asleep for one hour and when I woke up … my life, my reason for breathing … was gone. My beautiful, sweet, precious baby girl looked so peaceful. She hadn’t moved an inch. But the rise and fall of her little chest was gone. One hour ... God, it was one hour.”

Guy’s heat completely engulfed me, his chest absorbing my sobs, and his strong arms floating me back into the safety of our bubble. The walls suddenly felt like they could survive the tests of time. I never wanted us to leave.

Ever.

Minutes passed or maybe only seconds, it didn’t matter. Guy tipped my chin up, connecting our eyes. His lips brushed against mine for only a moment, yet tiny bursts of determination and courage exploded around his tenderness. A devastating vulnerability seeped out, but it was the equal parts love and heartache he so freely let me feel that was my undoing. Pulling away, he stared down at me as his own tears leaked from his beautiful blue eyes. He wasn’t embarrassed; he didn’t try and hide them. No, this was him stripped bare. For me.