Abruption (23 page)

“D
addy, why does Finny always get sick at nighttime?”

I snuggled my girl to my chest as we watched Finn sleep. He was finally situated and resting comfortably in the PICU.
Again
.

“Just bad luck, peanut. Don’t worry, he’s all good now.”
Please, let that be the truth.

“When we go home, he can sweep in my bed. It has fairy pwincesses on it. Fairy pwincesses are good luck. Right, Daddy?”

The knot in my throat might as well have been a spike. I swallowed it down and answered, “Absolutely. But I bet your brother would want you to have good luck too.”

“But I’m the big sister,” she whined. God, I loved my daughter.

“Yes, you are. You’re the best big sister. I have an idea. How about you help pick out some new good luck sheets for Finn when we get home. Okay?” She half-smiled. For tonight, that would have to do. “But right now, why don’t you try and close your eyes?”

“When Finny doesn’t feel good my tummy feels funny.”

“Me too, peanut. Me too.”

I hated this for Maxie as much as I did for her brother. It didn’t help we dragged her out of bed again. I should have insisted Maya stay home, but she was upset, and all I cared about was getting Finn to the hospital. My girl curled deeper into my chest and released a small sigh.

When we arrived at the ER, Meg was waiting and Guillroy was conference-called in. They ordered a brain CT that, thank fuck, was normal, ruling out some of the more rare etiologies. His initial lab work was normal, his vitals strong, and he was without fever. He still needed an EEG, but since he was clinically stable it could wait until morning.

Without a distinct cause, a seizure in a child with cerebral palsy usually went hand and hand with epilepsy. I knew this. I didn’t want to know this. But Meg confirmed this. She also informed me that anticonvulsants were usually initiated after a second unprovoked episode, but they often broke protocol with children with CP because they were at higher risk. Again, something I really didn’t want to know. Chronic anti-seizure medication was something I wasn’t ready to accept.

Maya had gone to scrounge up a few extra blankets for the cot. When she walked back in, she said, “Let me take her. Why don’t you go and get some coffee?”

She took a sleeping Max from my lap and tucked her into what was becoming her bed away from home. Shit. I slumped forward, elbows to knees, both hands tangled in my hair, when I heard Finn stirring.

“Hey, buddy.” He sat up, squinting. “How you feeling?” I reached for his glasses on the side table and slipped them between his curls.

His little hand clutched two of my fingers. “JuJu make me feel better, Daddy.”

His words sucked every drop of air from my lungs and stung like a punch to the gut. I knew exactly what he meant. In such a short time, Jules had carved a role into our lives. Jules made everything better. With her smile and laugh. With her presence. The knot in my throat was so tight I couldn’t speak. I wasn’t the only one in deep.
Too deep?

“Oh, Curly Cue, I bet a snack will make you feel better. You must be starved.” Maya deflected, giving me a second to pull my shit together. She sat on the other side of the bed and pulled Finn into her lap to kiss his temple. Finn perked up at
snack
and cheesed.

My boy, whose body shook so violently his bladder failed him, was giving
me
his Chiclets, making
me
feel better. His innocence was truly a blessing. A gift. If I could only keep him blissfully unaware. Especially from this looming diagnosis that would forever change his life.
Please, please give us a pass.

I swallowed down the lump. “I’m on it, bud.”

“Yemon ice?” he hedged.

“It’s a little early for lemon ice, silly,” Maya chimed in. I watched as Finn’s eyes bounced to Maya and then rooted on mine.

“Peeeese, Daddy.” Those dimples. Impossible to say no to. I tickled under his chin and he giggled. He knew he had me wrapped. I’d walk through flames to keep him happy.

Rolling my shoulders, I stepped into the hallway and paused. His giggles were replaced by the sound of rhythmic beeps firing in all directions. Some fast, some slower, but every beat one after the next. It was soothing, so different from my OR where those same beats were expected. They were the norm. Here, it felt like more.

Over my left shoulder, a woman was quietly speaking to a man. Probably her husband. Parents tackling the unknown, much like me, but facing it together. I watched as he pulled her close, and she rested her chin against his shoulder. I couldn’t see his face, but hers spoke volumes. Her red-rimmed eyes and ghostly white skin highlighted her fear and anguish. There was an uncertainty and frustration evident by the pinch in her brow and the pierce in her lips. It was all too familiar, especially the underlying fury. She was mad. And I understood. Her child was sick. The cards she was dealt sucked. And all of it was
unfair
. There was the word that had haunted me for years. Kept me rotting in the darkness, like an unseasoned piece of timber exposed and barely smoldering. It was pathetic and weak and nothing but an excuse.

I inhaled a deep breath and squeezed my lids shut, allowing the sounds of life to engulf me. It was more. The beeps meant they were alive. But here they meant fighter too. Meant these kids were using every ounce of strength to hold on to this life. A life that would in turn be that much more precious. And Finn’s was one of those. I knew that.
She
just gave me the light, opened my eyes so I could actually
see
that.

“Where is he, which room?” asked a frantic and pleading voice. A voice I would know in my sleep.

She’s here. She’s okay.
I
thanked the big man above.
I had started to really get concerned after the last call, but I refused to let my mind go there. Not tonight. Life couldn’t be that cruel.

I stepped forward, and our eyes locked from across the unit. Panic was spread across every one of her beautiful features. I hated that she was worried.

“Oh God, Guy. When I got your messages ... where is he? I need to see him,” she said, rushing over to me.

I folded her into my arms and kissed the top of her head. A small semblance of something akin to relief washed over me. “He’s stable. You had me worried when I couldn’t reach you, doll. Where were you?”

Another familiar voice, one I was not expecting, answered for her. “Hey, man. I’m sorry to hear about your son. Jules told me how much he’s been through lately. I got her here as fast as I could, but the Taconic is a death trap at this hour.”

Too confused to process what Lucca was doing here, I shook his extended hand and said, “Yeah, thanks.”

Jules pulled out of my hold, and I instantly felt the loss of her warmth. Our change of position was not the only shift; my already precarious mood
shifted
when I took a closer look at my woman. Her skin was pale, and small, dark circles marred her perfect cheeks. Her hair was disheveled and— “What the hell happened to your lip?”

“Oh, it’s nothing,” she answered nervously. “Is he awake—can I see him? What about Maxie?”

Knowing she wouldn’t be at ease until she laid eyes on my boy, I pointed to Finn’s room. “Maya and Maxie are with him.” That didn’t mean I didn’t still have a fuckload of questions.

I looked around the unit, surprised to not see her sisters here as well. I glanced back down at the time. Ten after four. AM.
The Taconic
? So I turned to the only other person with some answers. “No offense, Lucca, you might be her cousin, but do you want to explain why Jules looks like she’s been crying for days and went two rounds in the ring?”

Lucca lifted both his hands out to the side and squinted, like I just sprouted a second head. “First of all, I’m not sure where you came up with cousin. Second, I get you’ve had a rough night and all, but I’ve got to say, I don’t really appreciate your tone or what you’re implying. When she’s with me she’s safe. Always has been, always will be.”

Always has been, always will be
. What the fuck was he talking about?

Losing patience, I decided to be crystal clear. “First of all, I’m not implying anything, I’m asking. And second, why is she with you, and why couldn’t she answer her phone?” If he wasn’t her cousin, then who the hell was he?

I flashed back to that Saturday dinner and how Jules’ face contorted when Lucca strode in. I remembered thinking her reaction was weird but chalked it up to family drama, or better yet a bitter cappuccino, once I found out he was her aunt’s son.

“She’s with me because it’s my birthday, and she didn’t answer because we had shit reception and left without chargers,” he answered with the same territorial tone he introduced himself with that same Saturday.
Hey, I’m Lucca Demaio, Jules’ best friend.
The man never said fucking cousin. “The rest, you’ll have to ask Jules. But if you care about her like she says you do, not today. She dropped everything to be here for
your
son, so not
today
.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose where the throb was most prominent. I was missing something, but there was no fucking way I believed what this asshole wanted me to believe. Nor did I have the time and energy to deal with his cryptic bullshit.
No way, not my Jules.

“Guy!” Lucca and I both jumped at the shriek of my name. “He’s seizing again,” Maya screamed from Finn’s door.

Pushing all this bullshit aside because my son was the only thing that mattered, I sprinted toward his door. The sight before me was no easier to handle the second time. This time gurgles and throaty grunts sputtered from his lips.

“He’s choking! He’s not breathing!” Maya’s terrified screams filled the tight entryway. A different kind of panic clenched my gut. My stomach viciously spasmed, causing the acid to slide up, singeing my esophagus.

“Turn him on his side,” I ordered, hastily moving Maya out of the way to take over.

“Guy …” Jules said, pausing. My name on her lips was calm. Sweet almost. She gently held Finn on his side, cautiously tending to him from her knees. Her movements were slow and in control, a stark contrast to Finn’s rigid jerks. “It’s already breaking, contractions are slowing.” I knelt on the other side of the bed and found her eyes. They said
I have him
.

She had my boy.
She has my boy.

Two more spasms and Finn’s body relaxed. He released a giant sigh then gasped for air. Fuck me. My chest tightened, making my own breaths difficult.

Jules let go of the pillow cradling Finn’s head and cuddled up to his face. She peppered him with kisses, whispering, “Shhh, handsome, you’re okay. Shhh. We’re all here, shhh.”

My precious boy’s eyes were sealed shut, and now he was panting shallow breaths like he ran a marathon. I brushed my hand through his sweaty hair and then placed it in front of his lips, relishing in the soft warm puffs tickling my skin. How much more could one child suffer? If this was what it felt like to lose it, I was there.

Jules laced her fingers through my other hand and squeezed.

I’ve got Jules
.

I steadied my respirations to regain control and watched my little guy’s cyanotic lips begin to pink. My fighter.

While I consoled my confused boy, Jules jumped right in and recapped the latest episode to Meg like the professional she was. “Grand mal, lasted less than a minute, pulse ox dipped to seventies for no more than thirty seconds, and it was back at a hundred percent.”

Meg was immediately back on the phone with Guillroy, relaying my son’s bullets. I didn’t have to hear the other end of the conversation to know what she was going to say.

“We’re going to take him down for the EEG in about forty-five minutes. We really didn’t expect him to seize again. And so soon. Guillroy doesn’t want to hesitate starting something.” I nodded tightlipped, unable to speak past the burn in my throat. “It’s for the best, we want to limit his seizures.”

Limit, not stop.

Fuck. And so it begins.

“What about an MRI?” Maya asked.

“Since his CT was normal, an EEG is most important right now. It will support the diagnosis of epilepsy in most cases.”

“Daddy,” Finn whimpered and started to cry.

I swallowed the flame and reassured my boy. “Right here, buddy. Daddy’s right here.” I sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his head, which seemed to calm him down. He was less confused this time, but he was still groggy.

“JuJu,” he mumbled.

“Right here, handsome. Told you I’m not going anywhere, so go ahead and close your sleepy eyes, rest. We’ll all be right here when you wake up.” A few stray tears trickled down his cheeks before he succumbed to his heavy lids once again. “He should sleep awhile now. At least until the EEG. It’s good they’re going to take him right away.”

I knew she was referring to the tech they called in early to perform the study, but there was nothing good about being that much closer to a diagnosis I couldn’t wrap my head around.
That I do not want to wrap my head around.