Abithica (21 page)

“This isn’t funny, Lane!”

“It’s whatever you want it to be, Sydney.” He was suddenly much closer than before. “If you trust me…” He kissed both my eyelids then my nose. “…you’ll tell me what haunts you so I can fix it. No more talking about gluing broken windows back together.”

“Not everything in the world is fixable. It’s more complicated than you can imagine.” Oh, Lord, he smelled so good. He took the meaty part of my earlobe into his mouth and sucked, sending chills racing down my arms. Then he gently turned my face so he could work on the other ear.

“Just tell me what you’re afraid of.”

Mmmm, so warm.
“I’m afraid of… of losing you to… to someone else.”

“Is that all? Really?” He stopped nibbling.

I nodded. “Since I met you, it’s turned into my biggest fear.”

He cupped my face in his warm hands. “Well, this is going to be easier than I thought because nothing you can say or do will scare me away. You can’t go anywhere without me following, and there’s nothing you’ve done that I won’t forgive. I’ve found what I have been looking for my whole adult life, and now that I have, there’s no way I’m letting you go.”

His whole adult life? He was twenty-three! Suddenly I felt so much older than he was, actually ancient. How long had I been switching? How many lives had I “lived”? It could well have been
lots
longer than any single lifetime. I didn’t dare imagine anything more than that. I ran my fingers through his curls, wishing I could have seen him as a child.

“You’re just a babe, Lane. You may feel like this now, but you’re still maturing. Another ten years and you’ll be a completely different person, so how can you make commitments for the man you’ll be then? How can you say that nothing can force you to let me go? None of us know the future.”

He listened until I was done, then flopped back into his seat and shook his head. “You just outdid yourself, Sydney. That was the most… the most condescending…” He shot me a searing look, then shoved the door open and bolted from the truck. “Hell, I’m older than
you!
” Then he stomped away, eventually disappearing around a bend in the road. What had I said to make him so angry? Maybe I could convince him that I’d been teasing. No, that wouldn’t work, either.

I started after him, but hadn’t taken a single step before I was rocked by a brand new thought. I’d asked Sydney to give me a sign that she’d heard me, and she’d replied by sneering. She’d rejected me, rejected the idea that we could be partners—but had she actually done what I thought? She was too far away for me to really tell if it was a sneer. In fact, I’d never stared into a mirror and sneered at myself, so how could I even
know
what
she
might look like doing it. And even if I had, I’d have been way too close to the mirror to really see how that might look to someone a few dozen feet away.

What if Sydney had been smiling instead? What if her wave was supposed to mean that she was happy, not that she was flipping me the bird or something like that? My whole dream had centered on
me
, not her; on my loss, not her gain. “Hey! It’s me, Sydney.” That’s what I’d yelled in the dream, but I wasn’t Sydney at all. I was
me
, the being I actually was, and she was herself, with Lane… and Shae… throwing popcorn to the fish.

Maybe the dream was… just a dream, created from my own fears, my own loss, my own misery. Lane had just proposed to
me
, not her. He wants
me,
and he’s willing to wait six months for me
.
Isn’t that time enough to work something out with Sydney?

Start by doing the right thing. You know what that is. Tell him.

I was halfway to Lane when the words tumbled out. “Sydney, this is very, very hard for me. Please try to understand.”

* * *

He was standing on the side of the road, watching the cows mow down stalks of yellow grass. “Lane, I’m so sorry…” I said, as soon as I was close enough so I wasn’t shouting. “I didn’t mean to—”

His eyes met mine. He didn’t let me finish. “What are you
doing
to me, Sydney? If any other girl had said that… if any other girl kept pushing me away…”

“I know, Lane, I do know. Try to forgive me. Yes, you are older than me, and I don’t know why those thoughts came out the way they did, but maybe it’s because I care for you so much that I don’t want you to be disappointed in me, ever. I’m just not… comfortable… hearing you promise your life away so soon after you met me, even if that
is
what your parents did.”

He lifted his arm so I could slip beneath it and continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “But you… I can’t stop thinking about you… can’t stop wanting you… can’t imagine living without you. You’re right about me taking my time. I ought to be acting like a normal man, but I can’t. It’s like… I’m addicted to you. Like there was this big void in my life, and you fit right into it in ways I can’t even explain.”

He’s offering everything you’ve prayed for, his love minus all guarantees, minus promises of a happily ever after. What else do you expect? You don’t for one moment think this arrangement is permanent, do you? Faith was right. Squeeze the joy out of every moment. He’ll get over it when you vanish, but if you love him, you must
not
tell him the truth. It will shatter him.

“I’m just as screwed as you, Lane, if not more.” I leaned my head against his shoulder. “Can I ask you something? Can I ask you what you want? I mean, from me?”

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. “I want to live the rest of my life with you. I want to have children, grow old, and die happy. Is that really too much to ask?”

Oh, God, yes it was! Not one of those things—not one—could I offer him. The landscape began to spin, then the cows. Suddenly I saw a red bull’s eye on a shaved head, and knew Sydney had been there all along.

Then everything turned black.

* * *

When I opened my eyes, I was lying in Lane’s pickup with my head in his lap.

“Some proposal,” he said. “I guess I should have gotten on one knee like tradition demands… but I didn’t… and you fainted. What does this mean? Are you sick, or do I just stress you out?”

“It means,” I said, sitting up, “that everything Faith told you about me, and everything you’ve seen for yourself, and everything I feel about Shae, and feel about you, and feel about Steven, and know about my past, and life, and the stars, and the universe all came together at one time, and I think you just saw a cosmic ‘big bang’. It was just a case of too much emotion on top of too much stress.”

“You need to see a doctor so you can find out why it’s happening. Faith says the same thing. Sooner or later, we’re going to get our way. You
do
realize that, don’t you, Little Miss Brave Britches?” He brushed the hair out of my face.

He waited, but I was off the hook. I hadn’t blurted out anything really serious. Even when I’d mentioned Shae, I hadn’t… Shae! I sat straight up. “When’s Shae’s show and tell?”

“Her show and share?” He smiled. “Oh, in about thirty minutes.”

“Thirty
minutes
? Can we make it?”

“Not unless I start the engine.” He laughed, and turned the key.

“Will it make her nervous if I’m there?”

“Nope. I guess you probably already know that Shae’s world is black and white. Things either are or they aren’t. That’s why it’s so important for her to talk. Actually, she’s expecting you. As a matter of fact, Father Gabe’s probably pacing in the parking lot right this second, waiting for us.”

“Father Gabe? Who’s—”

“The priest who’s been so important in her recovery.”

“But five minutes ago we weren’t even going. You were taking me to a jobsite to see the house you’ve been working on.” I was confused.

His smile broadened. “The house just
happens
to be this side of Shae’s school, so I knew when we got there and I mentioned the show and share being about to start, that you’d insist on being there.”

“Lane, how could you possibly know that? I didn’t work it out in my head until just now.”

“You keep saying I don’t know you, but I do.”

“How far is it?”

“Twenty-nine minutes from here.” With that, he stepped on the gas, chuckling.

“You’re a rat. The truth, now… how long before we get there?”

“We’ll make it, okay? Sydney, I do have to tell you this… Shae’s not
just
going to talk about your letter. She plans on talking about you as well. Are you going to be all right with that?”

* * *

When Lane said we’d make it in time, he meant if we made every traffic light and didn’t get caught speeding. While he concentrated on getting us there, I thought some more about Shae in my dream. She’d never once noticed me that whole time, never heard me call out her name, shouting it. Her attention was on the popcorn and whatever Lane was telling her. She’d seemed so… so distant, as if I made no difference. Why? Was it because Sydney had interfered in some… no, Sydney was just being Sydney, but Shae’s responses from the very beginning had all been to
me
. In the mall, I was different in some way she could feel, and again in the movie theatre, so when I wasn’t right there in her boat, she couldn’t sense me at all.

Again, it was only a dream… I hoped… but now she intended to talk about me. Maybe it would only be to her schoolmates and that priest, but Lane’s “surprise” had already turned into something a lot bigger than I’d bargained for. As for the letter I’d written to Shae, he hadn’t brought it to show me in spite of his promise. Shae probably had it, since she was going to use it for her show and share, but diamonds? And calligraphy? Lane actually expected me to believe that? What did he have up his sleeve?

We pulled into a parking lot, but it was a
church
parking lot! My list of places I’d avoid like the plague, which now included mall play areas and fish restaurants, had churches right up there at the top. I tried not to let my anxiety show, but it took two tries before my voice managed to make it past my teeth.

“I thought we were going to Shae’s
school
.”

“It’s connected to the church. See?” He pointed at a sign that read St. Michael’s Catholic School
.

Breathe. In—out—in—out. Like that. He said connected, not part of.
I shuddered in the middle of a breath, visualizing one of those typically massive wooden doorways up close, and stained glass windows depicting images of Jesus… and angels. My sudden reaction surprised me. I’d handled mackerel and cardinals sitting on my finger and Oompa Loompa boats and things like that, so why would this be any different? Wasn’t this
the
place to get answers if one was willing to listen, a sanctuary? Weren’t answers the very things I yearned for, particularly now? Wasn’t I overreacting a bit?

Or was it because I knew a church would be the last place Sydney would ever go? Maybe
she
was making me shudder. Yeah, maybe, but another part of me was ready to shove Lane aside, jump into his truck, and lay down two black streaks of rubber getting out of there. I had to get a grip before I screwed it all up. I took in a massive gulp of air, breathing through my mouth with eyes closed.

“Do I even care what’s going on in that head of yours?” Lane asked, somewhere between amused and annoyed.

“You… you didn’t tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“That her school was a
church
.”

“And that matters… why?” He slumped, staring straight ahead.

“I don’t like churches. Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know. I just don’t like them.” I realized how ridiculous my impulse to whisper was, but I did it anyway.

He turned off the engine and put the keys in his pocket. “Fine. I’ll give you the same advice I gave Shae when she refused to eat her vegetables—because she didn’t
like
them: get over it. That’s Father Gabe standing over there. See him? Is it just me, or does he look a little anxious? See him pointing at his watch?”

Get over it? He speaketh, now I’m supposed to forgeteth this… this… whatever I’m experiencing?
He was already around the truck and opening my door. “We better hurry.” I didn’t budge, even though he was offering me his hand. “Come on,” he said impatiently. “We’re late as it is.”

“I can’t. Go without me. I’ll be right here when it’s over.”

“Can’t? What do you mean by
can’t
?”

“Churches,” I stammered. “They… they confuse me.”

“Fine. Call it a school then, I don’t care. Call it whatever you want. Just get a move on!”

When I still didn’t move, he growled his words. “Believe me when I say we will explore this in more detail later, Sydney, but for now you’re going to get a grip, walk into that church, and support Shae, all the while pretending that nothing is wrong. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?”