Abiding Love (9 page)

But he’d learned a long time ago that avoiding a problem didn’t make it go away. It just gave the problem time to get worse. The last two weeks had proven that. He pursed his lips, allowing himself to think about her, and realized she wasn’t really the problem at all.

He was lonely. That was it in a nutshell.

And he was very attracted to Alexandra Lexington. She popped into his thoughts constantly.

Until an hour ago he’d thought there were perfectly logical reasons why he had to stay away from her. He had thought she’d been cruel to his sister. But instead it turned out they were friends. He had thought she intended to use Mark somehow. But if she was Beth’s
friend, then she’d truly been trying to help him, and with the purest of motives—the good of his son. So there was nothing standing in the way of their becoming friends.

“Adam, you’re off the hook,” Alexandra said when he pulled Mischief to a stop next to her at the summit of the hill. “I’ll be careful and check Dauntless’s health records. I can go alone.”

“Don’t be silly. I said I’d go with you.”

“No, really. I know you don’t want to help me. I accept your apology for misunderstanding my relationship with Beth. But the animosity has been about more than that. You’ve obviously resented every suggestion I’ve made where Mark is concerned.”

She was right. His apology had been grossly incomplete. “I resented you because you seemed to have all the answers and I was floundering. Please understand, I had no idea what I was walking into when I went to pick him up at his aunt’s last month.” He sighed and let his chin drop to his chest. “Has it only been a month?”

“And February’s a short month.” She chuckled and flipped her long hair over her shoulder.

It was the first time he’d seen it down and the way those silken tresses shimmered and floated on the chill breeze was spellbinding.

“But seriously,” she was saying, “did you have no warning at all of his resentment?”

Adam forced his mind back on track. “Not a one. His reaction to me had done a complete one-eighty since I’d last seen him. I was floored. We’d always
been easy with each other.” He took off his sunglasses, determined to reach out to her no matter how much the idea scared him. He was trained to laugh death and torture in the face. He could do this. “And then there you were, days later, telling me I was handling him all wrong.”

“I’m sor—”

“No,” he interrupted, shaking his head. “I’m the one who should be sorry. Who
is
sorry. You were only trying to help. Beth called it shooting the messenger. I’m really sorry.”

“You’re forgiven,” she said.

Adam unconsciously sent the horse a confusing signal with his legs. He nearly lost his seat when Mischief sidestepped in confusion. “That simple? ‘You’re forgiven’? Even I’m not sure I deserve to get off the hook so easily.”

She seemed to eye him carefully as if weighing whether to wade into dangerous waters.

“Go ahead and say what you’re thinking,” he urged. “I’m going to prove to you that you don’t need to worry that I’ll go off again. Really. I’m pretty tame once you get to know me.”

She shot him a look of mixed disbelief and mockery. “I’m sure you’re a real pussycat. So here goes—are you as hard on Mark as you are on yourself?”

He frowned and searched his recent memory. “No. No, I’m not. I know he’s grieving and acting out because of it, so I cut him as much slack as I can without letting him walk all over me.”

She looked down and flicked at a splatter of mud
on her thigh. When she looked back up, the sun sparkled in her eyes. They were more blue than gray today, reflecting the bright sky all around them. “Okay, then,” she said with a quick nod. “I said you’re forgiven and I meant it. How could I withhold forgiveness from you and profess to be a Christian? After all, Jesus forgave me my sins just for the asking.”

Adam stared at her. So far every one of Beth’s circle of friends took this Christianity thing so seriously that it never ceased to amaze him. Uncomfortable in the face of her graciousness, he nodded and changed the subject.

“I appreciate your kindness and all you’ve done for Mark. He’s doing great in school.” Adam chuckled at the memory of the report card incident. “I hung his report card on the fridge. He said it was ‘lame’ but it’s still there, so I figure I didn’t mess up for once. Since then we’ve had a few lighter moments, but he always seems to pull back and get worse than before for a while. So can we effect a truce between us? I could use a little peace. Maybe working together, we can find out what’s up with my son.”

“A truce would be good,” she said, turning slowly toward him, that wary look still in her eyes.

Adam considered her for a moment. Was she afraid of him? With a pang he remembered Mallory pulling away from him after seeing a documentary on the SEALs. Mark had been three then and it was around the time she’d started getting protective and critical of how he’d played with Mark. But he hadn’t been too rough with his son and he wasn’t a violent person.

Adam had just decided to ignore the caution in her tone when he had to check Mischief with a tug on the reins to keep him from taking a bite out of Fly Boy’s hindquarter. “You know, Horse, I get enough of this kind of grief from my kid. Knock it off,” he growled.

Alexandra raised an eyebrow. “You’re equating Mark to Mischief? Mischief is legendary around here. And this is
good
behavior from what I hear. He’s just testing you a little.”

“Yeah, just like Mark spends most of his time at home testing me.” Adam paused, sobering as he carefully examined the reins in his hand before looking up. “Tests I’m afraid I keep failing.” He looked away, then back again. “Frankly, I need someone to talk with about him or my head’s going to explode. I know I can’t let him know he’s getting to me, but I can’t keep bottling up my frustration and I hate unloading on Beth and Jack. They’re newlyweds and they have enough pressure right now. Jack’s father wants him back home running the Circle A.”

“I know. Beth told me. She wants what’s best for Jack. He wants what’s best for her. I’d miss her, but she might be better off away from my mother and Mother’s vicious circle of friends. Beth and Jack are praying about it, so I know they’ll do what’s right. Any way you look at it, though, it’s a big decision. I understand why you don’t want to add to their burden. I’ll be happy to schedule a meeting whenever you need to talk.”

“I’m not sure that would work. I think what you
said about Mark needing you as a confidante was right. He isn’t talking to me and he just lost his mother and stepfather. So the more I show up at the school, the bigger chance I have of running into Mark and cutting you off from him. I don’t want to risk that.”

Alexandra frowned. “Call me, then.”

“I thought the ride down to see this horse would give us some time to compare notes. I’m worried that he’s going to do something foolish. Is there a reason you don’t want to accept my help? I didn’t think I’d been that obnoxious.”

“No.” She took a deep breath. “No, you haven’t. Okay. I accept your help deciding on Dauntless so we can talk out this problem with Mark.”

He reached out to shake her hand, thinking to seal the deal, but it felt as if he might have sealed his fate instead. Because just as her scent had scrambled his senses that Sunday morning at church, the feel of her small, soft hand sliding into his short-circuited whatever was left of his brain.

What was going on here? This was supposed to be about Mark and maybe building a friendship with another adult. Sure she was a beautiful woman, but beautiful women were plentiful around Coronado and SEALs attracted them like magnets. He’d had a string of casual, short-term relationships over the years. And none of those women had affected him as Alexandra did. What was so different about her?

T
he sky was heavy with what looked like snow the next day when Xandra pulled her car into the small parking area behind Laurel Glen’s stables. She refused to let the bleak skies affect her mood in spite of her misgivings about the upcoming ride.

When Adam had confessed that he wasn’t dying to run into her mother again, she suggested they meet at Laurel Glen. Everyone assumed she lived with her parents and she didn’t correct the assumption. Giving out her address at New Life Inn wasn’t allowed since keeping the whereabouts of the shelter confidential was paramount.

But if Xandra was honest with herself, as her therapist insisted she be, then she had to admit she didn’t want Adam or anyone else to know about her connection to New Life, lest it lead to a discussion of her marriage and divorce. Though she was working on it, Xandra hadn’t yet gotten past the shame. She was
afraid people would think she was weak and cowardly for allowing herself to be victimized by her ex-husband.

But she wasn’t weak, she told herself. Not anymore. She’d stayed on at New Life to relieve Beth at nights, not because she couldn’t live on her own. She was there so she’d be available to other women like herself during the dark hours of the night. Only someone who understood would do for midnight heart-to-hearts when shadows grew threatening.

She sighed. Now if she could only completely convince herself of all that, she’d have conquered Michael and he’d cease to have any control over her.

Determined to face this day as she had all the rest in the difficult journey back from her prison of fear and self-doubt, she got out of her white midsize convertible and looked around. Since hers was the only vehicle in the little gravel lot, Xandra assumed Adam hadn’t yet arrived or that he’d parked somewhere near the cottage where Beth and Jack lived.

She was unsure how she felt about having to wait for Adam. Sometimes putting off the inevitable was a blessing, a reprieve. Other times it was a curse that extended the torture of apprehension. As she felt her nerves tightening, she acknowledged that today it was definitely the latter.

She knew that after Jack had made the arrangements for today’s meeting, Dauntless’s owners had e-mailed detailed directions to him, so Xandra went in search of him. She found him with Adam as soon as she walked around the stable nearest the drive.
They were hitching a trailer to one of Laurel Glen’s pickups. She hadn’t even thought of transportation except that she’d intended to do the driving so she could concentrate on the road and not the man who would be beside her.

Apparently using her car wasn’t in his plan at all.

“Afternoon, Xandra,” Jack called to her. “Adam and I got a head start. You two are all set. Good luck.” He turned away, waving over his shoulder in his hurry to get back to work.

For a moment she thought Adam had decided to defer. He walked to the passenger side door. All he did, however, was open it, and turn to wait for her to reach him.

“I thought I’d drive,” she said, forgetting even to say hello.

Adam blinked, whether at her accidentally sharp tone or the idea of being driven by a woman, she wasn’t sure. “U-uh,” he stammered, then recovered with a shrug. “Sure. It’s just been my experience that most women don’t drive stick. Especially a five-speed.”

She guessed she was like most women, then. “Oh. It’s a manual?” Xandra’s heart tripped, fell, then took off running again. It looked like there’d be no distraction from his commanding presence for her today.

“Yeah. Five on the floor.”

“I guess you’re stuck. Sorry. I thought since this was my trip, I should bear the brunt of the grunt work involved.”

“Alexandra, this isn’t that big a deal for me. My
work schedule is about as flexible as one can get. And I like driving. It relaxes me. Plus pulling a big trailer can be tricky. It’s no problem. Okay?”

She huffed out a breath and willed her speeding heart to slow. “I’m sorry,” she said just before he closed her door. “I’m not used to relying on anyone.”

Adam gave her a long assessing look when he climbed in next to her. “And I’ve lived a life that depends on teamwork. A SEAL relies on his swim buddy and the rest of his team for his life. Maybe we can learn from each other. Now that I don’t have anyone to share decisions with.” He grinned. “I’m like a…seal out of water.”

What an intriguing thought. Could he possibly mean he wasn’t used to being in control and he didn’t like it now that he was? “What about Mark?” she probed. “Other than the decision to move here, do you talk decisions over with him?”

Adam pursed his lips and carefully shifted into first gear. The trailer jerked just a bit as he started rolling them forward. “You mean like what to order for dinner? Or more on the order of who to hire as help around the house?”

“Both. Everything. Day-to-day life is full of little decisions. The more you share with him—the more control you give him—the more comfortable he’s going to be.”

He gave her a sidelong glance. “Why do I get the feeling that you think I’m some kind of control freak? If anything I’m just the opposite. You have no idea how terrified I was moving him here.”

“You spent four-point-two million dollars to move him here. That doesn’t sound a bit scared to me. That sounds confident and a little bit arrogant.”

“I didn’t buy Boyerton to live there.”

Her eyes widened. “What?”

Adam’s grin was sheepish. “It was a purely emotional decision made about half an hour before I shipped out last year. That’s when I got my first letter from Beth. In passing she mentioned that our father was in financial trouble and trying to break up the property to sell to developers. She said she thought it was a spite move against Ross Taggert.”

“He and Ross
have
crossed swords over the last few years.”

“Well, I was the reason the animosity started. He blamed Ross for my quitting eventing.”

“Why would he blame Ross?”

“Some of my few happy memories come from this place,” he said just as they passed under Laurel Glen’s iron entrance arch and out onto Indian Creek Road. “Ross used to let me sneak over here to ride his horse. Just to ride. No one timing me. No one judging my form or the horse’s gait. Father found out. That ended that for me. As far as I knew he never lowered himself to talk to Ross, who was scrabbling to keep Laurel Glen running back then.”

“So in a way you felt responsible, somehow.”

“Right. When Beth said Father wanted to back a housing development up against Ross’s property, I got hold of the guy who handles my investments and told him to buy it. He kept my name out of it, or I’d
bet Father would have refused the sale. He thought we were developers.”

“Everyone did. Then the property just sat vacant. I guess you hadn’t yet decided to retire.”

Adam shot her an enigmatic look. “If Mark’s mother hadn’t died, I doubt I ever would have retired. I would probably have visited occasionally and stayed in the carriage house. Maybe left it to Beth and Mark. I doubt I’d ever have gotten Mark here to see Boyerton.”

“So Mark’s right that you gave up the SEALs for him.”

He shook his head. “I just gave up one kind of family for another. Unfortunately, this one’s favorite word is ‘whatever.”’

“Why didn’t you think you’d get to bring him here?”

Adam didn’t answer. Instead he made a great production of pulling onto the highway off the entrance ramp from the rural road to the interstate. Silence reigned for several minutes, and she let it.

Finally, when she thought she’d have to say something to break the building tension, he sighed. “Mallory purposely got in the way of my visitation. Especially recently. She wanted Jerry to be Mark’s father. According to what you’ve told me, she succeeded, even though I wouldn’t let Jerry adopt Mark. She’d been pushing for that for years, but I refused. I doubt he even knows she blocked a lot of my attempts to see him.”

She turned slightly in her seat, trying to gauge his
reaction. “Actually, I think he knew about the visitation problems to some extent. Mark said something to me about it.”

Adam’s head snapped toward her, a perplexed expression on his face. “Now I’m more confused than ever,” he said, then looked back at the road. “If he knows I wanted to see him, if he didn’t resent my career, why is he so angry?”

“I guess it’s time for me to wear my guidance hat. I’ll see what I can find out.”

“Good luck. At this point, I’m for anything that’ll stop the ‘whatever’ answers. So, are you going to let Dauntless keep his name?”

Adam sounded tired, and she could see that though their conversation had seemed to flow fairly easily, it had put him through an emotional wringer. Funny, he wasn’t at all the kind of man she’d assumed he was. Beth really did appear to know her brother well, in spite of their many years of separation.

There were, of course, physiological theories to support that. It was said that a child’s early experience formed a good portion of his personality. So by high school graduation, which was when Beth had last seen her brother, Adam already had become the man he was going to be, Navy and SEAL training notwithstanding.

She’d drawn the same kind of analogy before but had come to a different conclusion. Xandra’s brother as a boy had certainly been the person—or monster—he was destined to be. If his own reckless driving hadn’t brought about his death, she had little doubt
he’d be behind bars now and that some poor unfortunate woman would have been his victim.

She glanced at Adam. Something told her Adam Boyer would move heaven and earth to keep from victimizing anyone. She sighed. Of course, she’d thought Michael was her brother’s complete opposite at one time, as well. Would she ever reach the point Beth had? Would she ever be able to trust her own judgment again?

Jennifer, the teen who owned Dauntless, okayed Alexandra for the purchase within minutes of meeting her. It stung Adam’s conscience that a fourteen-year old girl had instantly seen who Alexandra was and had displayed better discernment than he himself had.

He was incredibly annoyed with himself for having treated her so badly at first. He patted Dauntless on the neck as he went over the quarter horse. Moving from nose to tail, he mentally checked off every trait Jack had told him to look for. He also eliminated all the usual chronic health problems the magnificent animal’s amiable nature might hide. He’d buy the horse himself if Alexandra wasn’t already petting and gushing over him.

Adam grinned and looked up, his eyes meeting her anxious ones immediately. “He’s in great shape, Alexandra. I’d say you found yourself a new pal.”

“You hear that, Dauntless? You’re going to have a new home and I’m going to ride you every chance I get. Wait till you see how beautiful Laurel Glen is.”
She hugged the big lug around the neck and he just ate it up.

Adam grinned. These two were going to be a real pair. If it wasn’t against the law she’d probably want to ride home in the trailer instead of the truck.

An hour later they hit the road with Alexandra sitting in the seat to his right, wiping tears off her cheeks, her scent once again filling the cab.

“I feel so guilty,” she sniffled. “Poor Jennifer. She was so upset to see him go.”

Adam pressed a handkerchief into her hand. “It was nice of you to tell her she’d be welcome to visit.”

“I couldn’t do anything else. I hoped giving him up would be a little more bearable for her if it wasn’t so final. I know I wish I could visit Rain.”

“You can’t?”

“He was old and he didn’t take to the move. He died. I—I still feel so guilty thinking it was of a broken heart because he missed me.”

“You did what you thought was right for him. Right?”

She nodded. Her eyes were dry now but she didn’t look convinced. Then in a flash she looked angry. He guessed she was thinking about her marriage and divorce and that the sale of her beloved horse hadn’t been necessary since her marriage failed. It was funny, he knew she’d been married briefly but he couldn’t understand what kind of man would let a woman like Alexandra Lexington get away. Or do something to make her want to leave.

He stopped himself from asking, and remembered
his own divorce. He’d said a little too much to her on that subject already. He didn’t need to confirm what she’d probably guessed—that he’d still been hopelessly in love with his wife when she left.

It was embarrassing how much he’d continued to love Mallory even after that. Helplessly. Stupidly. For years. Actually, until word had come that she was dead. Then sitting in a crude camp overseas, he’d faced the truth about her. He’d spent the following six weeks of his deployment reexamining the previous ten years. Rather than becoming a saint upon her death, Mallory had emerged with all her faults showing.

It had been rough, battling inner demons while fighting a dangerous and cunning foe. He’d come home drained, only to face Mark’s new attitude toward him. Still, having Mark back in his life had let Adam begin to heal. He
was
healing. And at a surprising rate, in spite of the problems with his relationship with his son. Maybe because Mallory had been gone from his life for so long.

“Where did you live in California?” Adam asked, searching for a conversation centered on her.

He glanced at Alexandra and noticed her plucking at a loose thread on the seat cushion. “In the northern part of the state. Summit Falls.”

“Pretty area.”

“It was a world away from Coronado, I’ll bet. Mark lived in New Mexico until his mother’s death, I take it?”

“Yep,” he said. He didn’t know enough about his son’s life there to comment.

“So how did the Beechams drown?”

Adam massaged a tight muscle in the back of his neck. How did they get talking about him and Mark again? “From what her sister said when she wrote me, it was a second honeymoon. But they didn’t really drown. Their boat was cut in half by some drunk in a speedboat. They were both killed on impact.”

“That’s so sad. Was she a Christian? From something Mark said I gather she might have been.”

He shrugged. He didn’t really want to talk about Mallory with Alexandra and he refused to examine why. “What difference does it make?”