A World of InTemperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 2) (18 page)

Dog days in the Alaskan Sun lie ahead.

P.O.V. Ichabod

“I sure am glad Mr. Bar’Bazaul had some food stashed on this here ski-tread, ain’t you, Bolt?”

“Roof!”

“Forgive my indulgence, but this oil can is just the ticket. Oh, it’s absolutely decadent!”

“Do you reckon Lord Bar’Bazaul is getting enough air where we shoved him in the trunk?”

“I don’t particularly care if he does, sir.”

“We’ll just proceed on the assumption that he is.”

“Quite so, Mr. Temperance.”

“Roof!”

“This here steamer-treader is as warm as Momma’s kitchen at Sunday lunch.”

“I proclaim this double treadmill-propelled, snow-ski steered, two-ton steamer snow-carriage, hereby commandeered. I cite civic duty to the world at large as our authority.”

“Yessir. Well, I reckon we gotta figure out what we’re gonna do.

“Let us assess our situation. Item one: Our female human companions are on a quest to find some mysterious leader of world conquest in a remotely hidden hide-out.”

“Yessir.”

“James Murray and Wolfgang Metzger are on a mission to prevent a war from destroying the many countries of the many continents surrounding the North and South Pacifics.”

“Yessir.”

“And it is our duty to swiftly get to Europe, which, unfortunately, lies on the other side of the world. Upon arrival, it is our mission to convince Europe to behave Herself, and not burn Herself to rubble.”

“Yessir.”

“It’s a pity Persephone did not give us any suggestions on accomplishing any of these Herculean tasks.”

“Yessir.”

“I am open to suggestion, Ichabod.”

“Golly, how are we gonna get to Europe? I ain’t got no maps, only what geographic information I carry around in my head.”

“Envision a world map, Ichabod.”

“Yessir, that’s what I done. Alaska is a long way from Warsaw.”

“A long way, indeed, sir.”

“How long do you calculate for us to drive this vehicle to Quebec? We can probably get passage to England, from there.”

“Oh, without question, sir. That distance is approximately three-thousand nine hundred, and forty-eight miles, give or take, and, of course, as the crow flies, as it were. My ability to operate continuously without rest or nutritional concerns will help in that regard. I calculate, sometime next Fall, if we’re lucky. Of course, we only have approximately two hundred miles worth of coal supplies, anyway.”

“How about if we head South and hook up with that Trans-Canadian RailRoad that’s being built?”

“Late Summer.”

“If we go back to the Alaskan Sea and book passage?”

“Early next year.”

“Arctic Ocean?”

“Impassable until May.”

“Bering Sea and Siberian Rail?”

“Moscow by September.”

“Gosh, I’m trying I try to hold the vision of a world map in my head. Golly, the Northern Alaskan territories are way over here, to the left, then way over to the right, is Canada’s East coast. There’s that big old, gigantic Greenland up there, too. Then again, Greenland ain’t really all that big, it’s just drawn that way on the maps. That old map-maker Mercator has given us a funny, swollen look at the Northern latitudes. These views are bloated and unnatural.”

“Just so, Ichabod, a globe is the representation we must imagine. This will allow us to gauge the relative distance between any two points in our world far more accurately than any two-dimensional cartographic representation.”

“Ooruhr.”

“Oh, Bolt, I think you got a flash of the idea that I am starting to percolate. Yessir, it is kind of sketchy.”

“You have an idea, Ichabod?”

“Maybe, but we will need some help.”

“There is very little in the way of civilization here, Ichabod.”

“Yessir, Mr. Cogito. I’m hoping we can find us a village on a large lake.”

“Studying the terrain, one might make the assumption that such a paradise lies beyond these mountains, sir.”

“We got a long way to go, and but a short time to get there. We need to get on the hoof, make tracks, and get her accomplished.”

“Quite.”

*~~~*

“Yee-haw! Howdy folks! What’s the matter, ain’t y’all never seen a linked-track, ski-steamer before?”

“Ha, ha. Well, ground my circuits and call me Springy, we have made it to a village on this enormous lake. You there, tell me my good man, what is the name of this charming community?”

“Ho, ho! I thought this steam carriage was a marvel, but no, the true marvel is the clockwork pilot! Bonjour, my amazing friend! Welcome to the village of Sassihijinx on Lake Wrunumuk!”

“Bonjour, Monsieur! We are in possession of a dangerous criminal. May we introduce him to the Sassihijinx Justice system on Lake Wrunumuk?”

“Oui, of course, my mechanical friend.”

“Howdy mister. This is a big ol’ lake. Do you have boats that can cross it?”

“Oui.”

“Sailboats?”

“Oui.”

“Do y’all weave your own sails?”

“Oui.”

“I don’t suppose you all would consider swapping all your sail cloth for this here ski-steamer would you?”

“Oui, oui, oui!”

“All right, Mr. Cogito, you know what to do with this here sail cloth. Cut out the patterns we need and get to sewing. I’ll be constructing our capsule.”

“Very good, sir.”

Everyone stands back to give him room to work. He is astounding to behold. Laying out great bolts of heavy canvas, he cuts out unusual patterns.

How it pains Sassihijinxians to see their canvas cut!

Mr. Cogito then threads a needle and begins to sew.

The man is a sewing machine.

As it were, sew to speak.

In perfect silence, people watch the man go to town sewing that canvas. Following the long, curving lines, the fabrics begin to take a shape.

I assume they watch in perfect silence. I just added that because I thought it sounded nice. Actually, I don’t know because I’m over here at the blacksmith shop getting a few things built and prepared.

There is something I want, that I hope I can find already built, that I can modify and re-purpose to my needs.

I make a quick walking surveillance of my surroundings to see what I have at hand.

This is too small.

This one is too large.

This one is, …

This one is, …

This one is just right!

The small stagecoach-like carriage will make a suitable passenger compartment. The pot bellied stove that I am having modified at the blacksmith shop will mount partially within, partially without the roof. Bags of coal can be hung from outside. The modified cannisters constructed from heavy steel milk cans are to be stored inside the cabin. We wheel the coach down to the sail shop before disengaging the axles and frame. Work begins immediately to seal the vessel for pressurization and our craft takes shape.

“Here comes Mr. Cogito, Bolt. He is right on time, ‘cause we are just finishing up our end of things.”

“Hello, Ichabod. Though it may have the appearance of a patchwork quilt, I have eighty-three percent confidence in this envelope.”

“I reckon that’ll have to do, Mr. Cogito. We are ready on this end. Let’s start getting some hot air into that bladder.”

“Affirmative, sir.”

“Oh, golly, Mr. Bolt, this ain’t no jaunty balloon joy-ride we are going on. This is going to be too dangerous for you, little buddy. I don’t want you to get hurt. Wouldn’t you rather stay here and live in this little village?
Ow!
I reckon that little nip on the shin is your way of saying that you and I are staying together, right?”

“Roof!”

“All is in readiness, Ichabod.”

“Okay, let’s seal ourselves in.”

“We are ready to be pressurized.”

“Cast off!
Woah
, we are zooming up, quick!”

“Rather!”

“Up, up, and away we go into the wide blue yonder beneath our beautiful balloon.”

*~~~*

“How long have we been up, Mr. Cogito?”

“Icing prevents my accessing that data, sir.”

“Well, at least I was right about them upper air currents, hunh?”

“Spot on, old bean. The thin air loudly whistling around our cannister as we hurtle through the stratosphere is indicative of fantastic velocity.”

“We done used up all the stored air, didn’t we?”

“Unfortunately, yes, some time ago, sir. Are you feeling the effects of oxygen deprivation, my organic friend?”

“Yessir.”

“How is Bolt?”

“He ain’t doing so good.”

“I am sorry.”

“With no windows, I reckon we just gotta ‘guesstimate’ our position.”

“That is a discouraging term, sir.”

“Sorry, Mr. Cogito, but I reckon my reckoning ain’t so good right now.”

“Understandable, sir.”

“Are you operating any better than before?”

“Negative, Ichabod. My extremities have been automatically disengaged so as to prolong my analytical functions.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Cogito.”

“I share your human sentiment.”

“I can’t keep my eyes open.”

“I believe you are suffocating, Ichabod.”

“I,   can’t,   keep,   my,   eyes,  ,  ,  open.”

“Good-bye, Ichabod.”

P.O.V. James Murray

“That is another shipping office with no vessels going on to Asia, Herr Murray. All travel has come to a halt, except for the few ships hurrying back to safe harbours as war is surely breaking at any moment around the world.”

“Krikey, Wolfie, we are running out of time. We’ve got to do something!”

This Metzger bloke. He’s a few dingos short of a kangaroo herd, but he’ll roger the barrahwinbats out of a your desert Walleroons.

“Ja, agreed, but first, answer me this, James. Vhy the spinning blade strapped to your leg?”

“Oh, that? That’s to facilitate escape when some randy Sheila’s got me strapped to a chair.”

“This comes up often?”

“All the time, mate, all the time.”

“Vee need a way out of this cursed place!”

“Look there, Woof-Woof, there’s a couple of familiar birds coming out of the next shipping office.”

“Birds is right! Miss Wilma Altamont, so tall, and with the big bright eyes of the ostrich, and Madame Pâte à Glacer, so brilliantly adorned by many colourful feathers! Our traveling companions from aboard the Winniedepuh Express, how wonderful to see you again, ladies!”

“Oui, bonjour, James and Wolfgang, I am so happy to see you again my friends! It is a small world, is it not?”

“It’s not so small when you are in charge of saving it,  Madame Pâte à Glacer.”

“Are you saying that it is up to you to save the world, James?”

“Oh, yeah, sure, there’s nobody better suited, actually. I even have an assistant. Wolfgate here is obviously just an amateur next to me, of course, but I have the situation well in hand.”

“What a relief, James; nevertheless, gathering war clouds have Madame Pâte à Glacer and myself hurrying back to California.”

“It eez a terrible thing, too, I think. This world is to be enjoyed, relished and savoured. But no! We are sent back to cower in our little rabbit holes. Unthinkable, Wilma! I do not trust myself! I might go find he that is responsible and settle things myself! There is something here in my handbag that I require. Please, Wilma, hold my slapjack. Now, where is it? I have so many things in my purse! James, hold my revolver. Wolfgang, hold this dagger a moment. I did not know I had that pepperbox pistol! Wait, of course, it was a gift from a dear ship captain on an earlier voyage. Where is it? Ah, here we are, my emergency flask.
~gulk, gulk, gulk.~
Ah, there, I am composed. Please return my things.”

“Is there anything we can do to assist, James?”

“Well, seeing how’s you two birds, I mean, you two Sheilas, no, I mean, you two ladies are American, maybe you two could pop in and have a word with your President. Maybe you could politely ask him to change the present course of his country and not lead our world into war.”

“I might actually have a significant amount of pull in certain quarters, Mr. Murray. We shall do whatever we can to help you, young man, rest assured.”

“Good luck, Frauleins!”

“Bend a whipper, me petticoat dig-alongs!”

“Those are two very capable ladies. I think that they may be able to help.”

“Better to count on a man of experience and expertise. Meself for example. If this great big world were in trouble, why I’d be just the man I’d come looking for to help us out.”

“Lunazeetic.”

I am miffed at my partner’s lack of appreciation for my numerous and heroic qualities.

“It truly is difficult to be humble,” I sniff. I sniff I does, “when you are burdened with the responsibility of looks, brains, charisma, athleticism, depth of character, an honest heart, a giving and nurturing nature, as I strive to make everything around me a better place for my having trod upon it; the ladies especially. The bounty of my genetic greatness I have done all in my power to share...”

“Enough! Okay! Okay! You are zee hot shot Super Secret Agent, ja? Vell how about these assassins being set upon us?”

“Zoinks, that’s right! Those Sheilas were put on us, without a doubt. They were hired by the Syndicate.”

“Sin-dicate.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Votever.”

“The time has come. I really do have to take you into my confidence, Metzger.”

“I am in this up to mein stuedaltops. So, confide already.”

“Uh. Yeah. I’ll check in, then. I guess.”

“Check in? Do you actually have a real person that you check in vith? This eez not imaginary play agent?”

“I wish he was.”

Metzger does not know what it is like to answer to the ‘Commodore.’ I am not looking forward to the experience.

“It’s time for you to make contact with my handler.”

“Handler? Handler? Vots eez handler?”

“I’m a spy, Wolfie. You know, Secret Agent, espionage, beautiful women in exotic locations. Well, I have to have a boss that gives me all my fantastic assignments, right?”

“Ja. I suppose that makes sense.”

“Of course. So, the next step is to signal for a meeting.”

*~~~*

“This is the secret location at the secret time, Wolfie, don’t do anything to screw this up!”

“
This
is your secret location? James, we are, standing on a bleak, frozen shoreline. There is nothing here.”

“Keep watch out on the water, Wolfie.”

“Okay, but quit calling me that. Mein name ist Wolfgang.”

“Okay, Wolfie, stay focused. Keep looking. You see anything yet?”

“Ja! I see a fishing trawler. Seems pretty undercover to me.”

“Nahh. That’s silly. Keep looking. You see anything yet?”

“Ja, James, Ja! A periscope! It must be connected to a submersible wessel. This must be our contact!”

“Nahh. Too obvious. Keep looking. You see anything yet?”

“Ja! An inflatable raft full of black clad soldiers!”

“Nahh. Probably just a weather balloon. Keep looking. You see anything yet?”

“Ja. Some whales they are cresting the ocean, majestically spouting great geysers. Proudly they proclaim their existence. I feel a closer affinity with this Earth, knowing I share mein oxygen with these awe inspiring creatures. Maybe this is what you would have me out here searching the waters for.”

“Nahh. Too mushy. Keep looking. You see anything yet?”

“Ja. Some dolphins.”

“Krikey! Why didn’t you say so! That’s it! Let’s go! You man the oars of this rowboat!”

“We are a long way from shore, James.”

“This is far enough. Now, Metzger, this is a very high ranking officer we are meeting. Behave yourself and don’t do anything to embarrass me!”

“I am always on mein best behaviors, und I have always held the military in the highest esteem.”

“Shh, he’s coming. Just sit there and be quiet.”

“Jay-ay-ay-ay-mes! Eh-eh-eh-eh! Jay-ay-ay-ay-mes!”

“Ach, who said that?”

“Sh!”

“Sorry!”

“Sah! Secret Agent James Murray ree-por-ting! Sah!”

“Let’s ha-ha-ha-have it, Mur-ur-ur-ur-ray! Eh-eh-eh!

“Vos ist los! A talking fish! Zee incredible Mr. Limpzen?”

“Shhh! You’ll get me in trouble! Besides, he’s a mammal, not a fish!”

“Who-who-who-do-you-have-with-you-Ja-ay-ay-ay-ay-ames!”

“Sah! Temporarily Deputized Civilian Auxiliary Augmentation as purloined by means of this Agent’s own
in
-
itiative, Sah!”

“I must say, this is the most grim-faced dolphin I have ever seen. The powerful work of his tail, holding himself vertical and stationary is uncanny. Please continue.”

“Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-e, eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-status!”

“
Roight!
Sah! Commodore SilverQuarter! Sah! You may be dismayed at the intelligence as gained by this operative. Sah! It appears that an insidious underground organization of super villains, plots to push an already teetering world over the brink and into a war that shall encompass the Earth, resulting in the death of most, if not all, of humanity. Sah! Goal of world domination confirmed. Sah! Supernatural element confirmed. Sah! Every nation on Earth, packed to the gills with war-making arsenals. Sah!

“Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-Proposals!”

“
Roight!
Sah! A Diversion! Rush in and disable everybody’s ships while no one is looking.”

“Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-
do
-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-ih-it!”

“Sah! Yes, Sah!”

Commodore SilverQuarter blows a blast of water in my face in salute.

I return the salute smartly, stamping me feet together and putting meself straight through the bottom of the boat.