A World of InTemperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 2) (11 page)

P.O.V. DeeDee Gauzot

“I say, how quaint. Er, cold, bare stone, how, ah, rustic! Yes, rather, elegantly rustic, to be sure, eh hem?”

“Oh! Oui! You are so right, my Persephone,” I reply, attempting to keep the mood of our little party in high spirits, “these boys sure know how to show zee Ladies a good time, to be sure! Oui!”

“Yeah, I sure do feel safe with you, nearby Field Marshall.”

“Tut, tut, Abby, I am here to protect you, my dear.”

“I sent a squad of soldiers to report on the progress of the ‘drill’, ThrascheWright. You had better hope they pass inspection.”

“I have every confidence in my product. Those are the finest soldiers ever built.”

“La, la, la-dida! Oh! You are such beeg important men! Oui! We would love to hear more, more more! Oui! Oui! Oui! Isn’t that right, ladies? Aren’t you fascinated by the importance of these handsome boys, too, I think! Oui!”

“Okay, Field Marshall, I mean, uh, Bushy-Wooshy Face, tell me why you’re such a muckity-muck. I mean, uh, ooh, look at all the shiny medals!”

“That’s right young lady. I hold influence over nearly a million troops. Europe is more than on the brink of war, she has already begun her plunge. I mean to be on the surviving side, and to be in ultimate control, once the countries have played themselves out. A firm grip is needed on the rudder of this ship of state. Mine will be the hand that steadies this out-of-control world. Order shall be restored!”

“Oh, I say, well then, here goes, I suppose. So-oo, Mr. ThrascheWright -- may I call you Millicent? Hmm? Isn’t that so much nicer, eh hem? So, Millicent, you absolutely smack of important executive and industrialist. One might presume your business is international, and makes deliveries around the world. Oh, my, how thrilling! So, where exactly do you make your products known?”

“Logistics is the key in today's aeconomy. We’ve got our fingers in pies all around the Globe. Zeppelin manufacture, battleships, and the latest best seller, mobile land fortresses. Steam-power, that’s the ticket! 'Transforming tomorrow’s battlefield, today!' Heh, Heh. Just a little slogan I came up with. I was thinking about kicking it upstairs and seeing if the ‘boss’ would like it.”

“I say, we should be most interested in meeting this mysterious gentleman, eh hem?”

“Yeah, who’s he?”

“Let’s not worry about that, girls.”

“This place, I think, must belong to our dark, magnificent, priest! Oui? You build the soldiers, too, Lord Bar’Bazaul?”

“No, little female, I do not
build
soldiers. I grow them.”

“Oh! You are so interesting, I think! Oui!”

“Burbity-burb, how about some refreshments for the girls, eh what? Harumph.”

“Hiss. Of course, Field Marshall.
~snap! snap!~
You, HellSpawn. Have sandwiches prepared and drinks served, at once.”

“Wib, wib, wight away, Word BabBawaul! Wib, wib.”

“I say, you do have a most interesting array of houseboys, Lord Bar’Bazaul. Not to mention the extensive, well-armed staff. Did I hear you mention that you ‘grow’ your servants? How very interesting, eh hem?”

“Oh, oui, DeeDee wants to hear all about this fascinating subject, oui! Oh, here are our refreshments! Champagne and caviar! C’est wonderful!”

“To tell the truth, I do take a great deal of pride in my accomplishments. The black-market human research material was the greatest expense. Who knew stem cells would cost so much? The frog eggs, I picked up cheaply enough but the mutagenic materials cost an arm and a leg! Combined with a little occult naughtiness, I have a loyal army that grows stronger by the day.”

“I think now, that I will not partake of the caviar, oui.”

“Harumph, your obscene fifth grade science lab project cannot compare to my steel soldiers, Lord Bar’Bazaul.”

“Those factories would not have been built without my connections, ThraschWright!”

“Wib, wib, pweaze excuse the intuhwuption. We have a weport! Wib, wib.”

“What is it!”

“Wib, wib, a wunnuh, from factory numbuh two! Wib, wib.”

“Bring it to me.”

A squad of the odd soldiers escort a battered and wobbly soldier specimen before us.

“Burbity. Looks like your soldier has been drinking on duty, Bar’Bazaul. Harumph. Yes, he managed to spin three times before falling to a swaying halt. Burb.”

“What’s going on at that factory? Quick, out with it!”

“Rr, wib, wib, what factory? rr, wib, wib.”

“The factory I sent you to check on!”

“Rr, wib, wib, there is no factory. rr, wib, wib.”

“No, you fool! I know about the first factory being destroyed. I meant the Clockwork Soldier factory!”

“Rr, wib, wib, me knows. You knows. First factory burn. Burn, burn, burn. Clanky man factory did not burn. Clanky man factory gone. It just go gone. Gone, gone, gone. Rr, wib, wib.”

“What did you see?!”

“Rr, wib, wib, spawn go to factory. Wib, wib. Patrol o’ spawn. We, we, we see lights. hear bells. See clanky men run, run, run. Wib, wib. Then shake. Then shake bad. Shaky, shaky, shaky. Factory go away. Wib, wib. River make factory go bye, bye, bye. Piece of clanky man hit me. Wake up all alone. Walk back. Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy. Wib, wib. Rr.”

“Out of my sight, you wretch!”

“Preposterous, we were there, only a short time ago! That plant could not have been destroyed. Your ‘soldier’ is obviously drunk or lying.”

“I beg your pardon, Abigail, my dear, I must attend to an urgent matter. Send another patrol, Bar’Bazaul. You can’t expect plans of world domination to fulfill themselves. It takes effort and initiative! And in this case, it takes huge, secret armies of steel soldiers and HellSpawn mercenaries. Burbityburb! I am unhappy about the lack of deadly toxins, already. I shall be quite annoyed if inconvenienced by a delay in the delivery of any other promised warring material. Harumph!”

Lord Bar’Bazaul forces a frozen smile upon his face. He calmly walks to the door, gently opens it, screeches the orders to send another reconnaissance patrol at some poor unfortunate fellow, and then gently closes the door. A frozen smile is securely clamped across his pointed wax features.

“Burbityburb. How about that inspection, Lord Bar’Bazaul? Harumph.”

“Oh, an inspection! Zee Mademoiselle DeeDee, she likes to inspect the troops, too! Oui, oui!”

“Come along, everyone. As we exit the Castle Arct-X, you will note the many bonfires circling the wide crater. Let us approach, one such bonfire. Here are two dozen HellSpawn troops. Six, fifty gallon glass jars are evenly spaced around the fire, yet far enough away from the flames that the HellSpawn soldiers may work their magics on the squirming contents within.”

“These creatures are bred to be loyal to their master. They cannot help but do my bidding.”

“Oui? I do not think so, Monsieur Bar’Bazaul, not that fellow there, I think, oui? He is an ugly fellow, too, I am thinking, oui. Does he snicker? Why do his mates stand with their jaws dropped wide open? Why do they appear familiar to me, Mademoiselle Gauzot, for some reason?”

“Spp, spp.
Bahhh
-hahahahaha! To think we were worried about you sheilas! Maybe we should come back and rescue you tomorrow, after you’ve insinuated yourselves through a few more pleasant meals, eh?”

“Monsieur monster, you have a familiar Australian accent I am thinking, oui!”

“Fraulein!”

“Miss Plumtartt?”

“Roof!”

“What a relief to find our human female friends alive!”

“Oh, I say, good show! You boys have survived your little adventure, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, we ended up doing all right, I reckon, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, but we were awfully worried about you girls, Ma’ams!”

“You came all this way to rescue us? How sweet!”

~flutter, flutter, batt, batt, batt~

“Interlopers! Spies! Saboteurs! You will not esc...”

“Oh! But I think, maybe, that we will escape, Oui! Voila, I clip you neatly under the chin to knock you senseless, no?”

“What is this? You girls behave yourselves! My company paid you good...ooph!”

“I say, Abigail, your stomp to the center of Millicent’s mid-section has set the rotund industrialist upon his wide haunches.”

“Gee, y’all, don’t that big businessman look like a fish out of water trying to gulp air where Miss GoldenBear Ma’am de-primed his lungs? He’s like a big old guppy!”

“Burbityburb! What’s the meaning of this? Is something afoot, eh?”

“There, there, Field Marshall, you just sit down and behave.”

“Burbity. I see. Perhaps I shall do as you advise, Abby, my child.”

“Hssss!”

“I think, mein friends, that we now have the attention of the two dozen Toady-Ape soldiers that surround us.”

“Act now, my friends!”

“Oh my Goodness, Mademoiselle DeeDee Ma’am is dropping Froggies left and right!”

“Don’t just stand there, hit somebody!”

“Eh hem, of course Abigail, you are correct. I say,
at you!”

“Hurrah! Our automatomical, human and canine force has won the day!”

“Ja, Herr Cogito, but those were just the forces at hand. We are in an exposed valley surrounded by perhaps thousands of inhuman enemies.”

“Yeah, Wolfgang, we are in a difficult predicament. I have a charm that I think will be effective against these troops, but it will take a moment to prepare.”

“Good on you, me lovely Abigail. The rest of us will provide a covering fire whilst you are Shamanating.”

“Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am? Now might be a good time to draw upon that uncanny ability of yours to cast red spheres of destruction upon your unlucky foes, Ma’am. Maybe you could get all these boogers in one big pop!”

“By Jove, I say, quite right, Mr. Temperance! Alas, like Abigail, it will take me a few moments to focus my thoughts, and to bring these energies to bear. I must enter into a brief meditative, state. If everyone would be so good as to be silent, that would be ever so helpful, eh hem?”

“Krikey, I think the monsters at the other bonfires are starting to get the idea that all ain’t right over here.”

“Be quiet, James: let Persephone concentrate!”

“Stand by for action, me buckos; those canetoads are getting their weapons ready.”

“Hold your fire, gentlemen; they have not begun firing on us yet.”

“Ah, oui, our ladies are both entering meditative states to focus their mental energies. Everyone remain silent that they may draw upon their arcane powers.”

“Gee, whiz, more and more freshly-brewed Chimpanzee commandos keep coming our way. We sure could use a big, high-powered super-burster right about now, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

“Ohm, sh, Mr. Temperance! Ohm...”

“Jumping kangaroos, we just took an incoming rifle shot! I could have been killed! Eek! There’s another, and another!”

“Ohm, ohm. I say,
at
you!”

~phoomp.~

The atmospheres surrounding the Plumtartt girl, collapse a little toward her upraised fist. Oui, now her hand glows with a red illumination!

~hah-whuh-buh-
POW!
~

A crimson ball spreads and rushes out across the plain. It grows larger and larger, until it fills the valley/crater/quarry. The scarlet sphere bursts at the perimeter with a bubbly:

*
' p o p '
*

“Wonderful, my Persephone! The foul, darkness army is knocked flat upon their backs, by the blast of your rouge retort, Mademoiselle, oui!”

“Yes, quite, jolly good, I say, rather.”

“Oh, dang it, a bunch of them saurian soldiers are regaining their feet, Ma’am.”

“Oh, pooh. I say, I
had
rather hoped for a more permanent destructiveness, eh hem?”

“Friendly Boa Constrictors, we are now taking some serious incoming fire!”

“Ja! Let them have it back, mein friends!”

“Oh, dear, I do not wish to lie prone as you humans, for I have a developed a fear of being stuck on the ground. I shall fire from a kneeling position.”

“Oui! Take up a rifle, Persephone, and we will show the boys how to do a bit of shooting, too!”

“I say, quite so, Mademoiselle.”

“Roight! Everybody is a rifleman! Defend our Abby that she may cast her spell!”

“Oh my Goodness, y’all, somebody else is casting a spell, too, and it’s that bad ol’ Lord Bar’Bazaul! He is countering Miss GoldenBear’s spell with his own!”

“What is this? I don’t believe it! The leather clad sorcerer has recovered from my punch to his jaw!”

“Ja, Mademoiselle, und now he lifts his arms wide, palms up.”

“Oh, golly, his eyes are all rolled back, letting the spooky white orbs show.”

“I say, we are all too well engaged to lend any assistance! Oh dear!”