A Will To Change (Hope) (25 page)

Will dropped me off in front of my mother’s apartment building and was on his way to the bachelor party. Suddenly, I was feeling alone and very nervous as I tried to work up the courage to walk in. I looked down at the angel hanging around my neck.
You’re not alone. You can do this.
I took a deep breath as
the doorman opened the door. Stepping into the elevator, I could feel my palms sweating and my legs shaking. This was ridiculous. This wasn’t the way that
anyone
should be feeling when going to see their own mother. I contemplated running back down the hallway and back into the elevator but, instead, I knocked lightly, hoping that maybe, by some off chance, they wouldn’t hear me. Then at least I could say that I tried. No such luck as one of the “staff” that she must have hired to work the party answered. “Hi, I’m Gabby -.”

“Gabby!” my mother shouted as she came rushing over to me and hugged me tightly, making me feel a little like I had entered the twilight zone. “You look beautiful, darling!” she said, looking me up and down. She led me through the crowd of people, finally stopping when she reached her husband. “Andre, look who’s here.”

Andre was not one of my favorite people. He was a pompous, uptight business man who suffered from “short man’s syndrome”. He looked down upon everyone, especially me. I cried for weeks after he and my mother married. I couldn’t wait to finish my senior year so I could leave and go away to college. I never felt welcome in their home, and that’s why I always made it a point never to visit.

“Oh, Gabby. Hello. How have you been?” He leaned in and kissed me. I cringed, feeling like I had just been kissed by a rattlesnake.

“I’m doing okay,” I said, forcing a smile as he quickly turned back around to continue the conversation that he was in.

“Excuse me, Mrs. French, but where are the extra wine glasses?” one of my mother’s wait staff asked.

“I’ll be right back, Gabby. Wait right here,” she said.

I grabbed a glass of white wine off the tray that one of the waitresses bought by, feeling a little awkward as I stood all alone, sipping it down. “Excuse me. Are you Gabby?” a tall, older man whom I didn’t recognize asked.

“Yes, I am. I’m sorry, but do I know you?”

He chuckled and handed me his business card. “No, actually, you don’t. I just overheard your mother say your name to her husband. I’m Emmett Mayer, a reporter with the New York Times.”

“Oh, well, it’s nice to meet you.”

“You, too. I’m so glad that you were able to make it. Your mother was so worried that we wouldn’t be able to do the interview for the piece.”

“The piece? I’m sorry, but what are you talking about?”

“Didn’t your mother tell you about the article that we’re going to be doing on the social page about mother/daughter traditions around the holidays? We want to interview both of you.”

I suddenly felt the wine churning in my stomach. My mother had an agenda! She didn’t really want me here! How could I have been so stupid to think otherwise? If that weren’t enough to make me feel like I was going to hurl, watching my mother hugging Evan and the girl he was with as they entered certainly was. My head was spinning and I was finding it hard to breathe. I needed to get out of there. I felt like an absolute fool for falling into her trap. I rubbed my fingers over the angel hanging around my neck. She was still there with me, helping me get through this.
Calm down and breathe, Gabby.
My mother had a startled look on her face when she walked back over and saw me talking to Emmett.

“Oh, Gabby, I see you’ve already met Mr. Mayer.”

I put on my best fake smile. “Yeah, I have. He just got done telling me all about the interview that he wants to do for the paper on mother/daughter traditions around the holidays.”

She nodded, letting out a nervous little laugh. “Yeah. Doesn’t that sound fun?”

“Funny thing, though. I don’t remember us having any traditions. In fact, I don’t remember you being around much at all during the holidays.” Her smile quickly faded as she shook her head. “Oh yeah, that’s right. You were always off to some warm tropical place, whoring around on my father who paid for all of those lavish vacations.”

“Gabby Lynn, that’s enough,” she said through clenched teeth.

“Mr. Mayer, you know what kind of mother she is?” I raised my voice, getting the attention of some of her guests, including Evan and his new girlfriend, who was clinging tightly to him. “She’s the type of mother who couldn’t give two shits about her daughter. The type that invites a scumbag that beat the shit out of her daughter to her Christmas party. Yup, there he is. That guy right over there,” I said, pointing to Evan, causing Mr. Mayer and the rest of her guests to look in his direction. “Those are the lovely mother/daughter traditions that we have, Mr. Mayer. So print
that
in your paper.” I turned around, knowing that I had to get out of there before the tears began to fall. I would not give her that little bit of satisfaction of knowing she got the best of me. 

She came chasing after me and grabbed me by the arm just as I reached the door. “You are such a little bitch!” she whispered.

“Well, does it surprise you? I learned from the best! I hate you. Never talk to me again. As far as I’m concerned, you are dead to me!”

I jerked my arm from her grip, fighting with everything I had to halt the tears. I couldn’t get into the elevator quick enough, throwing my head against the wall as the tears poured from my eyes.

As hard as I tried to be into this bachelor party, I just wasn’t. My mind was filled with thoughts of Gabby. I was worried about her and hoped that she made the right choice by going to that party. Even though she talked a good game about hating her mom, I knew that it bothered her deep down and she wanted to have a relationship with her more than anything. I sent her a text asking how everything was going and decided to call her when I saw her reply.

Don’t ask.

I dialed her number and walked outside so I could hear her better.

“Hey,” she answered in that voice that I knew all too well. The one she would use whenever she was trying to disguise the fact that something was bothering her.

“What’s wrong, Gabby?”

“Oh. Nothing. Just came home because I got a really bad migraine.” But I knew there was more. She always tried her best to hide her true feelings, but it didn’t work with me. I knew when something was bothering her and, right now, I knew that it was more than just a migraine. But it was useless to even try and pry the information from her because it wasn’t going to happen, especially not over the phone. “So has the girl jumped out of the cake yet?”
And here comes the wit to mask her pain.
God, I could read her like a book.

“Nah, not yet,” I said, playing along. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Cross my heart. I’m just going to take a few Advil and go to bed. Just remember your promise - no drinking and driving.”

“I’ve had one beer so far, Gabby.”

“Oh, but the night is still young.” She mustered her best laugh. “Have a good time, Will.”

“Good night, Gabby.” I felt a little uneasy hanging up with her.

My mind felt like it was a million miles away as I walked back into the bar. “Hey, Will, we’re gonna get a couple rooms down in AC. You up for it?” Tim asked.

“Um…nah, I don’t think so.” I didn’t even feel like being there. The last thing I felt like doing was driving over two hours away to be someplace else that I didn’t want to be.

“Dude, what’s your problem?” Peterson asked.

“Nothing. I just don’t feel like driving all the way down to Atlantic City tonight. You guys go.”

“Come on, Will. It’s not a party without you, man,” Tim said.

“I’m sure that after a few shots and some women, you guys won’t even realize that I’m not there,” I said, feeling a little relieved. At least now I could leave and check on Gabby without getting ridden by them about it.

The apartment was totally dark when I walked in. I flicked on the light in the living room and made my way back to Gabby’s room. Her door was cracked open and she was sound asleep. As I walked in to turn off her lamp, I could see that she was tightly clutching a photograph. I gently took it from her hand and looked it over. It was of a man and a little girl. I was assuming it was her and her dad. I placed it on her nightstand and looked down at her once again, noticing the dried up tears on her face. Pushing her hair from her face, I bent over and placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

Her eyes slowly opened and a beautiful smile spread across her face. “Hey, what are you doing here? Did you get kicked out of all the nudie bars?”

I shook my head and smiled. She sat up and moved over, tapping on the bed for me to sit next to her. “Why are you back so early?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Don’t know. I really wasn’t in the mood for all that tonight.”

She placed her palm on my forehead. “Half naked women and alcohol? Are you feeling okay, Will?”

“Yeah, I am.” She smiled up at me, but it still couldn’t disguise the sadness in her eyes. “So what happened tonight?”

She swallowed hard and looked away. “It was all a big setup.”

“What?”

“My mother. She didn’t want me there for any other reason than to be a part of her charade that was going to put her on the social page of the New York Times for an article on mother/daughter traditions.”

“Ah, Gabby, I’m so sorry.” The tears rolled down her face and it was tearing me up inside.

“And to make matters worse, she actually invited the asshole ex-boyfriend of mine and was falling all over him. I hate her so much. I know I sound horrible for saying this, but why couldn’t it have been her instead of my dad?” The sobs that she was trying to hold back finally escaped. I pulled her into me and she trembled uncontrollably. “God, Will, maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one that’s fucked up.”

Taking her face in my hands, I looked into her tear-filled eyes. “Hey, don’t say that. It’s not you at all. It’s your fucked-up mother.” I kissed her on the forehead.

She raised her head and her lips came dangerously close to mine. “Thank you,” she whispered. She stretched her neck to kiss me on the cheek, but brushed her lips against mine instead. We stared at each other silently, both afraid to make the next move. She sucked in her bottom lip, taking a deep breath. I wanted to throw her down on the bed and tear off her clothes. I wanted to feel her warm, soft skin touching mine. I wanted to know what she tasted like and, most of all, I wanted to know what it felt like to be inside of her. Everything inside of me wanted her, more than I’ve ever wanted any other girl in my life. I wanted to be the one to take her pain away, but I didn’t want to risk everything we had. I knew that if our lips touched again, I wouldn’t be able to control myself and there would be no turning back. 

I took a deep breath, waiting for her to make the next move. Part of me hoped that she would stick her tongue down my throat, the other part hoped she wouldn’t. I sighed with relief and regret when she looked down and rested her head on my chest. “Thank you for being the best friend that a girl could ever ask for.” She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly.