A Wealth of Unsaid Words (13 page)

unworthiness if you let him, brooding alone across the

divide.”

The divide. An almost poetic way to describe the break

in him, the cracked edge over a rift that Alex had never

defined. But it was there, an empty valley separating him

from the other half of his mind, from this happiness around

him, from Everett. It was real and ever present, if waiting to

be crossed. He could feel it, like the wet pain of an open

wound.

“It"s
my
unhappiness, Everett. I"ve earned the right to

dwell in it from time to time,” Alex snapped back, a true

idiot, because he hated the black thoughts that kept him

apart, but they were his, and without them he wouldn"t be

who he was.

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Everett opened his mouth, and then suddenly George

was between them and ordering Alex to his feet.

“How about a walk down to the park with the kids to

burn off some of that energy?” It was a question, but he

wasn"t asking. Alex got to his feet, though he was vibrating

with tension, and the cookies and coffee weren"t sitting easy

in his stomach. He looked at his trembling hands in

something like shock and then over at Everett in complete

fear. Everett seemed far away, Robert at his side distracting

him by stealing bits of dough.

Alex tried to form an apology and then realized he didn"t

want to, not with George staring him down. Wasn"t it enough

that he"d written into every page, every poem, the words

Everett wouldn"t let him say?

Forgive me
.

“Playing with rambunctious children in the bitter cold,

that"s just how I wanted to spend my day,” he remarked

quietly instead, but knew his sarcasm would be ignored or

overruled. George took his arm.

“There"s some work I can find after that if you"re still

feeling feisty,” he continued as he steered him from the

room. Alex looked back. Everett was braiding bread into an

intricate ring. His lips were a thin line. He didn"t look up as

they passed.

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A Wealth of Unsaid Words • R. Cooper

lex was back in just over an hour, freezing his balls

off even with his coat and gloves on, and

A humiliatingly aware that all the kids and George were

still merrily frolicking down at the park, squealing

their way down metal slides that had to burn, they"d

been so cold.

He walked to the kitchen door, though the front door

would have been faster, and had only opened it a fraction

when he paused at the yeasty smell of rising dough and the

quick flurry of words coming from inside.

It was a strange feeling that stopped him, not exactly

the childhood fear that he couldn"t possibly be welcome

inside, but something similar. The Faraday house was his

idea of
home
, but as a boy he had never let himself fully

forget that it was someone else"s home and any moment he

might be refused permission to cross their threshold for any

number of crimes. It wasn"t anything they had done. In fact,

they had gone out of their way to treat him as family from

almost the beginning, which meant giving him chores and

involving him in disputes and the conspiracy to get George to

quit smoking a few years ago.

Perhaps that was why the tension coming from the

kitchen now held him back. He had a sense, however

irrational it may have been, that those inside had waited for

him to be gone to give them freedom to talk. He also had a

feeling, far less irrational, that it was a conversation they

had had before; perhaps it was the exhausted frustration in

Everett"s voice with every answer.

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A Wealth of Unsaid Words • R. Cooper

Leaving them for so long, not driving down for parties or

Thanksgiving, suddenly seemed like an unforgiveable

mistake, though he"d had his reasons.

It had been a year since he"d last driven down here.

Many things must have taken place that he didn"t know

about. But the sound of voices in the kitchen, conversations

happening without his knowledge, made him go utterly still.

He was breathing too hard for the short walk back from

the park and shook his head at his own stupidity. Of course

life went on without him, and people spoke even when he

wasn"t there. Of course Everett and his mother would have

things to say they would not say with him around.

But a noise slipped from him despite his clenched jaw,

and he pressed closer to the door, on the outside listening in

for any scrap of Everett"s secrets.

“Where did you put my vanilla, Everett?” Ally stopped in

the middle of whatever she had been saying to ask the

question. Alex inhaled and thought he smelled chocolate, as

though she was making cocoa. She probably was. The

children had said something about it waiting for them when

they returned from the park.

Everett must have responded silently, because she

dropped the question and went inexorably back to the

subject that had left Alex frozen on her doorstep.

“You aren"t getting any younger, Everett.” He"d never

heard her use that tone, at least never on Everett.

“I know that.” Everett"s voice held a thread of irritation,

or maybe embarrassment. Alex thought of Everett at his

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A Wealth of Unsaid Words • R. Cooper

birthday again, and his face over the warm glow of so many

candles, and the faint sensation that Everett was counting

more than candles when he"d looked at him.

Alex let out a breath.

“Then what are you waiting for?” Ally, or someone, did

something with a pot or pan that drowned out anything else

she might have said.

It must not have been the first time she"d asked.

Everett"s voice went lower, quiet with desperation and

warning.

“Mom.”

“There"s no such thing as perfection.” Ally went on, and

Alex wondered, vaguely, if she was holding herself upright

with that angle to her chin that Everett got when he was

being stubborn, and if Everett was as well in that moment.

“I know that.” This was even more hushed, as though

Everett had turned away.

“I think everyone knows that, Mom.” Robert piped up

from somewhere farther away. Robert wasn"t seeing anyone

right now that Alex knew of, so if anyone ought to be getting

a lecture about his love life, it was him. Maybe Molly, but

Molly was younger and still had some leeway that Everett

was being denied.

Alex pictured him cornered by his mother behind the

counter, sticky with dough or icing, and trying not to stare

back at her. But he would eventually. They were too alike,

and she"d see through his attempts to hide anything.

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A Wealth of Unsaid Words • R. Cooper

He wished he had her powers and immediately felt like a

hypocritical ass, because if he"d wanted Everett"s few

remaining secrets, he could have had them whenever he

wanted.

“There will never be a time when everything is great,

when
everything
is better. What you do have is the ability to

work to try to keep things mostly good, and even that takes a

lot of work.”

“I
know
, Mom.” Everett did. Couldn"t Ally hear it in the

clawing need in his voice? “I know. I"m not—” He stopped.

“It"s a struggle.” Ally pressed. Rich cocoa scents filled

the air, escaping the kitchen the way Everett couldn"t. “It"s

always a struggle, but you"re strong enough—”

Everett"s sudden bitter laugh made Alex flinch and his

mother go quiet.

“You think I don"t know that?” He was speaking loud

enough that his siblings, if more than Robert were present,

had to hear him. “I"ve been strong my entire life. My entire…

I"m not sure what a help it is, but I know that. You think I"m

afraid of
work
?”

Alex focused on the cold around him, the sting at his

cheeks, the whispers of his breath vanishing with every hard