A Tapless Shoulder (29 page)

“
What did I
tell you about that?” She pretended to be angry.

“
Last time,”
I said, timidly, and added, honestly wishing it to be true, “I
swear.”

“
I’m not about to punch a man
–
woman,” I shook my
head. “Sheesh, you would think that would be the weirdest thing I
have ever said, but it’s actually not.
That
would be:
‘Sick kids count as foreplay.’ I’m not… it was, I always, um, how
do I explain this? The boys were sick, and a thing we say, Katie
and I, is that,
whatever,
counts as
foreplay, well,
I say
it
at least and I just, I guess, um… it’s a running joke. I
love my wife.” I waited for a moment to let the words and sentences
move together completely in my head before trying to get them out.
“Okay, it really sounds
horrible
out of
context, yeah, I don’t think I will say that out loud again, no,
probably just keep that one to myself,” I nodded with my mouth
firmly shut. “
Yeah
, I guess that
was much more of a private joke and I kind of feel like I just
threw it on the floor at the mall.”

“
I’m not here
to judge,” she struggled to say from behind her hand that was now
bobbing in front of her face. Her whole body shook as she giggled
without sound. She pulled herself together until she was once again
still and smiling.

I shrugged,
perplexed. “Is it boiling in here? Is that why you haven’t put your
shirt back on?” I suddenly felt like I was a source of far too much
heat.

Candy put the
back of her hand to my forehead, then said, quite concerned, “Oh,
honey, you are burning up.”

“
It’s funny because a minute ago I was about to ask you if
it was freezing in here. But, uh, your… there were no signs
suggesting it was cold in here, so… I mean, you know, do they still
do that? Perk?” I waited a second with my head turned, “Is it weird
that I just said,
perk
, as a question,
all on its own, just PERK? Sorry. You just… weird me. Weird
me?
Who talks
this
?” I exclaimed hastily,
and laughed. She joined in.

“
Oh, what just happened, you were getting
so much better
.”

“
Yeah, until
I ran backwards seven miles,” I shrugged. “So, this, us chatting it
up is a little surprising. I think Katie would be quite impressed
with me. Though, I don’t know if I should lie to her or call her
over.”

Candy sat up
straight and then so did I. “Let’s get her over here,” she said,
“I’m dying to have some girl time with her, I mean, your dad just
speaks
so
highly of her. I really want to know if she
likes me.”

“
You’re a girl all right,” I said, “I’m sure Katie will love
you. It is insane how level-minded she is. She is
way
more balanced than me, don’t even worry about that.
And
all
of what she is thinking in her head she can just
say, and on her first try, she doesn’t… like, dart off in different
directions with different starts and different finishes from
different times and different places the way I do; it’s weird, it
really, really is. I would love to get to there, like, to that
place, the spot,
thing
with that ability. Yow, my head
though, it’s like every day it’s trying to break the record it set
yesterday: on and on and on. I mean, if I’m ever going to come up
something worth writing I can’t exactly sit here being
Nate
.” I smiled at Candy. “I’m going to owe that guy an apology
next time I see him.”

“
Oh, honey, I think you seem to be much more focused on what
you’re saying. Yes, you have your moments, but, all in all, there
has been such an improvement since you even got here. No yelling,
no real falling apart, nothing you weren’t able to recover from
anyway. And, come on, it’s not like I’m
not
a challenge
sitting here. The most important part is today you said some very
significant things that struck a chord in me. It really meant a lot
to hear your thoughts about my personal journey, even if you kept
trying to play off your serious side with jokes. Honestly though,
it did, it really meant so, so much, especially with my…
background
.” She said ‘background’ like I may not have
understood the foreground, and I smiled like I didn’t mean it, to
which she smiled like it was okay. “So
thank you
.”
There was a sparkle in her eye I wanted to blow on, as I thought
for sure it would burst into flame. It felt good to hear her words,
and I truly took them to heart. Her hand had been gripping her
bottle which she tapped on the table, “You have to give yourself so
much more credit, honey. How long do you think it’ll be before the
rest of the world catches up to the changes you’ve made personally,
never mind the ones you have yet to make?”

I nodded at
her. “Oh, Candy, so you can do it too, like Katie:
this is what I’m thinking, so this
is what I will say.
I’m glad
you had this chance to show off.” I took a swig of beer and began
to laugh. I blew air out of me like I was trying to rid myself of
the beer breath. “I’m sorry it took me this long to come around and
not be so… me. It was just – I wasn’t ready for anybody to
be
here
with my dad. And then, well, I don’t know.” I
took a deep breath, maybe replacing the air I’d just lost, and
thought about what I was trying to say. “Who am I to judge you for
your differences? And that’s not accurately stated. Okay, here’s a
glimpse into my mind; right, your differences are such only
contrasted
to mine, perhaps then they’re
not
your
differences but rather my own. If I look at you and see you a
certain way, that’s a flaw in my sight, a judgment I am not even
entitled to, yet that’s what
everyone
does, don’t
they?” I smiled like it hurt. The tension was gone, but there was a
new truth that would take time to understand.

She got quiet
and looked at me with a gentle smile. It was like she faded away
inside herself for a moment. For the first time since I had met
her, she broke her spirited smile, and I found I missed it
immediately. Something was indeed wrong. She couldn’t look at me,
and instead stared at the table, “At least you were born how you
were meant to be. Some of us… some of us have to fight our way to
who we truly are and then, as if that isn’t bad enough, when we get
there, we still aren’t accepted by anyone.”

I felt like I
had shaken hands with myself. I promised I would deal with this
better. I would deal with life better. We were both quiet. It felt
like the moment had been paused. My head had a single train of
thought, and I sadly watched it go by.

We were no
good with accountability. We were no good with a lot of things we
had control over but didn’t change. Our not doing something didn’t
mean the choices weren’t there; it meant we chose not to. I knew I
would have to look for the choices, to find them; life wasn’t going
to be automatic for me and neither was ignorance.

“
I always thought I was most comfortable with the truth, but
I’m seeing it can easily be redefined, and it probably should be
and probably quite often.” I chuckled and wondered if I had done it
right, my
chuckle
, that is. I
looked at her with a seriousness she had yet to see and said, “The
second I think I know it all is the moment I’ll be failing at life.
Ding Ding asked me to pick him up the other day; I told him I would
when I was done putting the dishes away. He told me to pretend I
was done. It struck me as absolutely brilliant. When and why did we
stop pretending? Actually: we probably don’t stop, we just stray
from the fun and magic to more serious delusions in our so-called
real life. Sitting here with you, it’s clear I’m not done learning
and I like that, I need that. I like the point that it makes and,
most of all, the hope it implies.”

She smiled a
most sincere smile, “Me too.” Then, being as friendly as she
was,
and as
human
, she touched my leg. I
jumped, which made her jump, at which we both shouted loudly,
“SORRY!” We began to laugh, and then I squeezed her leg and
regretted it, and it showed in my face, which made her laugh even
harder. That had me laughing all over again too.

We both
calmed a bit, the enjoyable aftermath of a smile remaining on each
of our faces. “Oh boy,” Candy sighed. I was in agreement. “I can’t
believe your father just up and flew to Mexico the way he did.”
She’d begun down an avenue we hadn’t yet taken but rightfully
should have. My mind sprang forward, thinking,
of course, that will get us where we need to
go
. “He almost got me to go
with him,” she continued, “but I just couldn’t, oh, and I felt so
awful about just leaving you guys, but your dad thought it best for
everyone.” I winced and my head felt heavy; the truth was tall and
it looked down on me. “I simply can’t do anything on a whim like
that,” she said, “I made it here and that was as far as I could go
along with it. I just cannot go without my beauty sleep the way
your beautiful father can, plus, he gets by with his naps, but,
honey, I am not that old yet.” She shook her head. “While we were
standing at the bar, he said he’d never been to Mexico after
overhearing someone mention how cheap it was to fly there right
now. Well, your dad must have thought they meant
right that second
right now because that was that, off
we went, and, oh, he was as excited as a little kid. I mean, he
really should not be running off and doing things like that, on
account of his heart,” she said solemnly.

“
Why? What’s
wrong with his heart?” I asked, very alarmed, thinking, Holy God,
what else don’t I know?

She shook her
head, “Oh no, nothing like that, honey,
it’s just
old
,” she paused to
revel in the moment, which I took to mean
HA
HA
, before she said,
“See, you’re not the only one who can be funny.”

“
Yes, that’s…
yes.”

She thought
she was indeed very funny and continued to show me by laughing and
giggling and then wiping something off of her left breast, which I
thought over and catalogued as a separate incident from the
supposed joke.

“
There’s a
lot you don’t know about your dad,” she said. I didn’t know if I’d
ever quite heard someone say ‘oh, if these lips could talk,’ but
for some reason that was what I heard. So as she began to speak
again, the ‘inside my head’ voice began to hum really loudly. I had
yet to see Candy rattled by anything, but she was certainly looking
uncomfortable now, and once I realized why, I was quick to
apologize.

“
Sorry,” I said softly, “I honestly meant for that to
be
in
my head
.
Wow, funny and embarrassing, I seem to be ejected from my mind
sometimes, and it is
never
at the moments
I would like it to be. I’ve never told anyone this, but I almost
killed…” I stopped as her phone began to ring and vibrate about in
a circle on the table. She held up a finger.

“
Oh, it’s
your dad, he probably needs a ride home from the bar,” she said as
she picked it up.

“
He’s home?”
I asked.

“
Oh, yeah, he
got in a couple of hours ago.”

“
And he is
already at a bar?”

She talked
and laughed and it sounded like they were best of friends, or even
family. She looked at me, her face tilting up from her phone, “I’m
meeting up with him and we’ll eventually make our way home, would
you like to come? Your dad’s already spoken to Katie, and, hold on
a second, who?” she was talking again to my dad, while the sunny
beach I felt I’d been basking on began to sink from view. I
wondered why he would have called Kate. And why hadn’t she then
called me? I’d find out soon enough, I guessed. I got my phone out
of my pocket; it told me nothing regarding the recent
developments.

I nodded at
Candy, “I’ll even drive if you put a shirt on.”

She smiled
like a villain and shook her head. She held the phone against her
chest. Maybe she was video messaging. She pointed to the fridge and
made a drinking motion. I shook my head while I yawned. She was
listening and I again wondered what was going on. The phone was
going up and down in her hand like she didn’t know if she should
talk to me or listen to my dad. I tried to make a fair bit of
commotion with my face and expression, indicating that I didn’t
know what was happening but would really like to.

“
Nate is
picking us up.”

“…
Up?”

I left
everyone at our table to use the washroom and then found myself
standing at the bar instead of going back. I got a beer. I had
intended on bringing it with me. Now the glass was half empty and I
was wondering at what point in my life optimism had made its
exit.