A red tainted Silence (60 page)

I stared at Katie. Her horrified gaze held mine as I stood there, frozen, a soundless wail crawling up from deep inside me. She looked over her shoulder, and like a trained dog I followed her gaze.

And saw Brandon up on our plasma, bigger than life and naked and being raped by that laughing bastard Seth, the mother-fucker, over and over again. I watched as that bastard raped my lover, and I stared at Brandon’s face on the screen, taking it, just lying there blankly taking it. Why would he do that? Why would he endure --

Because of you, you jackass. You idiot, this was why ...

Bile rose in my throat, but I pushed it back. He was bleeding to death. Brandon was dying, and all I could hear was the laughter on the plasma, the mocking laughter, and I knew its purpose. I knew why Seth did it, why he’d raped Brandon.

But Seth had been dead for years ...

With a roar of fury, I hurled myself at the camera and threw it at the plasma, shattering it. Silencing it. I fell to my knees, an alien wail pulling from deep inside me. I crawled like a baby for Brandon, covered his body with my own, holding him, trying to stop him from shaking. I felt his blood soak me, smelled it, tasted it mingling with my salty tears, and I keened soundlessly as I brushed his hair from his face, tried to brush away the blood from his mouth. But it wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t do what I wanted it to.

Why wouldn’t it go away?

“No, no, no,” I whispered. “No, no, no --”

Hands grasped me as new sounds filled the room. Blood, blood everywhere. The hands pulled me away from him. I fought, screaming as the gurney came in, as the men quickly put on their gloves. He doesn’t have AIDS, you fuckers! Stop wasting time!

“Nicholas!”

I lunged at them, wanting to hit them, make them stop. Why were they doing that to Brandon? Why were they sticking all those things in him? I sobbed, unable to understand in my hysteria what they were doing, as I saw flashes of another time, another flight, another man wailing my name, not me wailing his.

“Brandon!”

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* * * * *

They took him from me. I watched from the back porch, shivering as the helicopter flew away into the sky. This was how it’d been for him, for Brandon, as he’d watched me leave. He’d thought me dead, then. And I should’ve been, sliced up as I’d been, starved as I’d been, emaciated and dehydrated and cold, so damn cold --

No, I won’t think about it, won’t won’t won’t ...

Now I thought the same of him, that that helicopter was winging him away to his death. Away from me.

All that blood, everywhere. Too much. He’d lost too much.

“Nick, come on, let’s get you cleaned up so we can go to the hospital.” I couldn’t move, just stared at the sky though the helicopter was gone, like a bird wafting over the snowy-topped mountains, away and out of my life.

* * * * *

“I know. It’s just that ... You have to promise me something.”

“Promise you what?”

“If ... if anything happens to me ...”

I stood in the bathroom in my blood-soaked clothes and stared at the mirror, the smeared mirror, and blinked.

“Come on, Nick, let’s get this off you.”

My hands hung at my sides, and I couldn’t move, just stared at the mirror.

“He’s ... He’s ...”

“Nick, listen to me. We’ve got to get you out of these, into the shower. This isn’t doing Brandon any good. He needs you there. Now, come on, help me.” I turned reluctantly away from the mirror and stared at Jon. He’d turned on the shower; steam roiled into the bathroom. He closed the door. The cops would be there soon.

Cops were always around us, but bad things kept happening. I didn’t understand it. Why was this happening? Who had done this?

I looked down at the blood on my sweater. Brandon had bought it for me. “It’s ruined, Jon.”

“Yeah, I know, kid. Let me help you.”

I stood like a child and let Jon pull off my sweater. I didn’t have the energy to do more than stand. I had no more strength to pretend I could handle it, that my injury wasn’t continually stealing what little reserve I had left. I could barely stand, felt dizzy. Usual fare for me.

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“I love him, Jon,” I said as I stood like a mannequin, waiting for him to do whatever he was going to next.

“I know you do, babe. I love him, too.”

“He wanted me to promise not to leave if anything ... leave here, Jon.” Brandon’s brother looked at me. “I know. He told me he was going to do that.”

“He did?” I said in surprise. “When?”

“Last night. He made me promise to make sure you kept your promise. You did promise him, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Now come on. Jeans.”

I did as he said, shucking off my blood-soaked jeans until I stood only in my boxers.

“What am I going to do, Jon?”

He stared into my eyes. “You are going to take a shower. You’re going to get dressed, and we’re going to the hospital, and you’re going to be strong for Brandon. He needs you, Nick.”

“But you don’t understand,” I whimpered. “He’s my strength. I’m nothing without him.

How can I be strong for him if I’m so weak myself?” I felt a tear fall down my cheek, burning a trail that would be followed by others, many others, later. “I’ve been faking it, Jon. I’m not strong, not anymore. It’s all used up. I can’t take care of myself. How can I take care of myself without him? I need him so badly. What am I going to do? What am I going to do if he dies?”

Jon grabbed me by the shoulders, his expression darkening. I felt dizzy, like I was going to hyperventilate.

“Nicholas, stop it. Cut it out. Enough! Take deep breaths. Come on, with me.” I wavered in his grasp, clinging to him. He took a deep breath, and I did the same, mine coming out in shuddering spasms.

“Again, Nick. Cut out the fucking drama. You’re going to pull yourself together, right now. Right here. My brother needs you, dammit, and you falling apart like this isn’t going to help him any. Do you understand?”

I took another deep breath, felt the dizziness move away. “But --”

“No buts. I’m here for you, too, dammit. Don’t you know that? I love you. You need to lean on someone, lean on me. You need strength, get it from me. Do you understand me?

Take it from me.”

I stared at him, at the anger flashing in his eyes, the conviction in them -- and the love.

“You ... you mean that.”

He pulled me to him and kissed me on the forehead. “Yes, dammit, of course I do. I love you. Always have.” He smirked, stroking my cheek then patting it, making me startle.

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“I don’t know what to say, Jon.”

“Nothing to say. I love my brother, and know that you guys are meant to be together.

Simple as that.” He shrugged. “I love being your friend more than anything. Amanda loves you, too, you know. We’re both here for you guys, understand?” I nodded, a little dumbfounded still. “Come on, enough of this. You lost it for a bit and I understand that, but enough is enough. Now, are you going to get in that damn shower so we can get to him, or am I going to have to haul you to the hospital in your boxers?” I looked up at Jon. “I’m guessing I’d better get in the shower first. Then we’ll go.”

“Good boy.” Jon clapped me on the shoulders, rubbing them. Then with a shake of his head and a sad smile, he clasped my face between his hands and kissed me. I kissed him back, then hugged him tight, drawing on that strength he’d offered. I felt better already.

“Thank you, Jon. Thank you so much.” I pulled back, not feeling awkward at all. I was damn lucky to have him, and knew it. “I love you.”

“Love you, too, boy-o. I’ll get you some clothes. He’s going to be okay, Nick. Brandon’s tough, you know. Noreen’s sure we got him out of here in time.” I rubbed my scar absently. “It’s not the bleeding that scares me the most, Jon. It’s what he saw.”

He grimaced, anger making his eyes darken. “That bastard, raping him --”

“I can’t believe it -- why didn’t he ever say anything?”

“I don’t know, Nick. I really don’t.” He dropped his hands from me. “Fuck, Nicholas, all this time, I should’ve known. Why didn’t I see? What kind of brother am I?”

“A damn good one. You’re incredible. I don’t know, though, Jon. Maybe he felt like he couldn’t tell anyone.”

“I think he was in complete denial. Maybe he just pushed it out of his mind so much the shock of seeing himself being ... being raped set him off. I don’t know, Nicholas. I don’t have any answers, but it makes me feel like shit, knowing he couldn’t -- wouldn’t --” Jon shook his head. “I can’t wrap my head around it. I think the cops are here now. Maybe they’ll be able to give us answers. Now, get cracking so we can get out of here.” He left me then, and I pulled off my boxers and climbed into the shower, scrubbing at myself until my skin was raw. I would pull myself together. I would be strong, and be there for him. Be there for Brandon.

He needed me like he never had before. I paused as I watched the last of his blood wash away into the drain. No, not like he never had before. I feared -- oh, how I feared as I thought back to what I’d seen on the plasma, knowing that was Brandon from years ago --

that he’d needed me long before this, and I hadn’t been there for him.

None of us had been. Not his parents, his brothers, his friends, me. Brandon had a way of holding himself off, holding back, always had. So we just got used to it, all of us. “That Brandon,” we’d say when he fell into silence over something. We were seemingly such 358

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opposites -- me craving, needing, demanding the attention, the friendships, the pampering, and it had worked. All this time, which of us had all the support? Which of us always had others there for him?

Me.

When in reality, it was Brandon who’d needed it most.

I was in control of myself again by the time I emerged from the bathroom, dressed and ready to go. Jon was waiting for me, as was Detective Anderson. Thankfully he pulled me aside for only a minute, explained what he was doing for the investigation, and then Jon and I left for the hospital.

Barely an hour had passed since Brandon was whisked away. It seemed like an eternity.

We arrived at the hospital to find ourselves taken to a private waiting room. Everyone but Katie and Jenn were there.

I sat next to Margaret, looping an arm around her and hugging her.

“Where is he?” I asked.

“In surgery, honey. They took him straight in.”

I nodded, took a deep breath, and kissed her on the cheek. “He’s going to be okay,” I whispered. “I won’t let him be otherwise.”

“I know you won’t.”

So we waited. And waited.

Finally, someone came to talk to us, but it wasn’t who I expected -- or maybe it was.

Nurse Goodall.

“Noreen,” I said when she came in.

“Nicholas. We need to talk.”

“I know.”

She led me to the corner where I’d been sitting. I offered her the chair I’d been using, then sat next to her. “Do you know anything about how the surgery --” She clasped my hands in hers. “I just checked, and he’s doing well. He’s lost a lot of blood, though, Nicholas. He’s had two pints so far. He’s going to be in the hospital awhile, I’m afraid.”

I looked down at the floor, thought how much he hated hospitals. “I know.”

“They’re going to keep him sedated after the surgery, son. I’ve spoken with his doctor, told her what I observed, what Katie told me.”

I nodded. “How long will they keep him under?”

“As long as they can, but remember what we talked about?”

“He had something to tell me, and wouldn’t.”

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“I think he couldn’t.”

“The ... the raping --”

“Is part of it, but I think there’s more to it than that. He’s going to need some help, Nicholas. Something terrible happened -- I think far worse even than what we saw. I’m afraid it may be up to you to figure out what it is. I’ve talked to his doctor, and she’ll be talking to you about seeing Emilie Yancy. She’s a wonderful psychiatrist, and she’s willing to talk to you. She’ll be sympathetic to you and Brandon, I promise.” I leaned over and kissed Noreen. “Thank you. Thank you for caring. For being here so much for us. I’ll talk to the doctor whenever she wants me to. We should’ve done this before --”

Noreen touched me on the cheek, shaking her head. “Remember, Brandon couldn’t be pushed. He wasn’t ready yet.”

“But now there’s no choice, is there?” I said bitterly. No choice. How I knew about that, with all the “no choice” walls I’d been up against in my life, especially recently.

“Are you doing okay? Is there anything I can do for you?” I shook my head. “I’m okay. Just knowing you’re here is enough.”

“All right, then. I’ll go call Dr. Yancy’s office. And Nicholas, he will pull through this surgery. But he’s going to need all the help he can get to pull through this mentally.

Something terrible triggered this.”

Worse than what I’d seen? “I just wish I knew how to find out what it was.”

“And without asking him, Dr. Yancy said. If you possibly can, figuring out what it was before he wakes up could be vital to helping him.” She left. Jon had sat silent throughout this exchange, his expression thoughtful. I watched him. I felt an inner calm now that hadn’t existed before. It’s funny, thinking about it, how knowing Jon cared that much about me made me love him all the more.

Strength.

And I did love him. He was, next to Brandon, the best friend I’d ever had. I guess it didn’t really surprise me, knowing how much he did care, because I knew in my heart that Brandon meant the world to him. He loved his little brother no less than if Brandon had been his own son. Even when Brandon and I’d been apart and Jon had sided with me, he’d talked often about his brother to me, about how he was sure that something else was going on ...

I startled, making him look at me in surprise. “What’s wrong, Nick?”

“Remember when Brandon and I were apart, you telling me you thought something else was going on with him?”

Jon sat back in his seat. “Yes, of course. I guess now we know I was right.” 360