A red tainted Silence (75 page)

He sensed it; I know he did. He lifted his head and looked at me, his face inches away from mine. Nothing was solved; we both knew that. I could see the knowledge in his eyes.

But he shook his head, said, “No, Brandon, don’t.”

“Nicholas, I --”

He laid a finger on my lips. “I know something’s wrong, Brandon. But I also know you love me. I’m going to leave you --”

Panic lanced through me, and my heart, not my brain, spoke. “No! You just got here --” He smiled sadly at me, shifting on top of me. I could feel his cock softening, pulling out of me, away from me. I whimpered, didn’t want the connection lost. Not yet. Please don’t go.

“I’m not leaving until the morning. But I want you to listen to me. Okay?” I swallowed and nodded. “Okay.”

“I love you. I don’t care about anything else, about Dream, about our music, or anything. Nothing matters to me more than you, and I’m going to find out why you pulled away, Brandon.” I couldn’t say anything. Just stared at him. He brushed my hair from my face. “I’ve got to go back to LA, take care of a few things there. Then I’m coming back. I’m going to figure this out. I refuse to live my life without you, do you understand? Nothing else matters, and I’m not going to do anything else until we solve our problems.”

“But your new CD, the tour --”

He smiled, then kissed me on my bearded chin. “Yeah, it’ll be out in a few weeks, supposedly, and I’ve already started getting the tour stuff together. But I don’t care about that. All I care about is you. Do you understand what I’m saying? No more running. No more hiding. Can you tell me, Brandon? Can you tell me now the real reason you left me?” I stared at him, my throat clogging.

He sighed, smiled that sad smile again. “It’s all right, Brandon. Don’t worry. I’m going to figure this out no matter what you can or can’t say, understand? I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

I nodded, too overwhelmed to speak. But as he nestled against me, already I was formulating my plan. I had to get away, as soon as he was gone, leave here, go somewhere he couldn’t find me, so he’d be safe, where they couldn’t find him. Would never, ever find him with me.

Because if they did, I knew they’d kill him.

Then he fucked me again.

A Red-Tainted Silence

445

As I held Nicholas in my arms afterward, felt him slip from inside me at last, cradled him as he finally succumbed to the exhaustion, I knew that this would have to be the last time. He’d tricked me into loving him again, but it couldn’t go on. Too risky, too much, I had to protect him. I had to.

I held him as long as I could, until his weight smashed me down so much I felt I couldn’t breathe. Taking great care I slid out from beneath him, onto the floor. He reached for me, whimpered softly at the loss of my heat, but he didn’t wake as he turned onto his side. We’d made a mess of the couch, but I didn’t care. I cleaned him up a little, even then not waking him. I turned off all the lights -- it was past eleven already -- and padding naked into my bedroom. I took a couple of blankets from my bed and returned to the living room, covering him with one of them. Then I sat cross-legged next to him, the other blanket wrapped around me, and watched him sleep.

The phone’s ringing woke me up. I stretched, wincing at my sore back -- I was on the floor, naked, next to my couch. Confused, I sat up, then remembered. The couch was empty.

I bolted to my feet and ran into my bedroom. He was gone. The suitcase, his clothes, everything was gone.

I looked down at my nakedness, the dried come on my stomach, felt the heavy ache in my backside, and knew it hadn’t been a dream.

Stunned, I walked into the kitchen. The phone had quit ringing. On the counter, next to our empty water bottles, sat a little teddy bear, one my favorite shade of blue. F.A.O.

Schwartz. I smiled, despite myself. He’d been there a few months ago, he’d said, and I guessed he’d bought the bear then. For me.

The bear sat on an envelope with my name written on it. With shaking hands, I opened the envelope and pulled out the single piece of paper inside. I’m sorry I had to leave so early, but had to catch the first plane out and didn’t want to wake you, so I called a cab. I love you, Brandon. I’m going home, but I’ll be back in four days, and you’d better be here.

No more running, no more hiding. Nicholas.

He didn’t come back.

Four days later, I was still at my beach house. I hadn’t run. I wasn’t hiding. No, I was beside myself, wracked with fear and grief, my home full of family, friends, cops, all of them asking questions, demanding I tell them what I knew. But see, that was the problem. I didn’t know anything except one thing, and that they already knew, too.

Nicholas never made it home, and it was all my fault.

* * * * *

446

Carolyn Gray

“Hey, Nicholas, I thought you were asleep.”

I looked up as Jon all but jumped onto my bed. I sighed, waving the papers I was reading. “I printed some out, thought it’d be easier to read that way.”

“Probably more comfortable than a laptop in bed. Good idea.” I hadn’t meant more comfortable, but I just nodded. “Has Lee called?”

“Yup, sure did, sleeping beauty. The doc came to see Brandon.” I glared at Jon. “And?”

He sighed. “No change, really. She wants to keep him as calm as possible.”

“Which means sedation.”

“A little while longer, yeah. Sorry, Nicholas.”

I closed my eyes and leaned against the headboard. “Yeah, me, too.” I was still so tired.

Exhausted, even though I’d slept all night.

But I’d tossed and turned, unable to rest without Brandon beside me. Or at least in the same room. It amazed me, really, how quickly I’d come to depend on his presence again, after being alone for so long. “I want to go see him.” Jon popped out of the bed. “Thought you might. But how about I take you to breakfast first?”

When I hesitated, he shook his finger at me. “Got to eat, boy-o. No complaints, hear?

You need to be strong, and remember, I’m supposed to keep my eye on you for Brandon.” I smiled. “Who said?”

He grinned at me, showing all his teeth. “I said. Now, get up and get a shower, Stinky, so we can go eat.”

“Pushy bastard, aren’t you?”

“Always. Now scoot. Oh, yeah, and Adam called, too.”

“Oh?” I said as I pulled off my pajama top. I headed into the bathroom. “What’s he doing?”

“Headed this way, he said. Will be here this morning sometime.”

“Good. I guess.”

Jon laughed. “He’s a bastard, I know, but he’s been calling me for updates every few hours to see if Brandon’s woken up yet. I’ll be waiting for you outside. I’ll let Jeff know we’re going.”

“Okay. Thanks, Jon.”

I stripped off my pajama bottoms, glad Jon hadn’t mentioned they hadn’t exactly matched the top. Messy night dream. Just wish I’d remembered it, but it’d gone clean out of my mind. I didn’t really remember my dreams anymore. Not like I used to.

I remembered the nightmares though.

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An hour later, we sat outside a lovely little restaurant, Cinabar’s, that Jeff recommended. Though the morning was crisp, the sun shone brightly and the skies overhead were a clear, startling blue. It felt good to sit on the deck. Jeff and Jon were talking about something in the morning paper, and I contented myself with sipping my coffee, half-listening to whatever they were discussing. Or, rather, arguing about.

“Excuse me? Are you Nicholas Kilmain?”

I looked up to find myself being adored by three young women. I smiled. Just what I needed -- and I don’t mean that sarcastically. I hadn’t had hardly any interaction with fans except through the mail in ages, and I realized at that moment that part of the anxiousness I felt was about that. It’d been so long since I’d played the role of singer. Too long.

“Uh, listen, girls --”

I raised a hand. “It’s okay, Jeff. I don’t mind my thoughts being interrupted.” I nodded at the girls. “Yes, I’m Nicholas, and you’re --” They were, I estimated, somewhere in their mid-twenties. Dressed for skiing, they looked so young, carefree, and so fucking healthy I found myself on the jealous side.

“This is Marlene, I’m Angela, and this is Karen.” I held out my hand and shook each girl’s in turn. “Good to meet you.”

“How are you doing?” Karen said. “We’ve been following the papers, but there hasn’t been much lately.”

“You live here?” I asked.

All three girls nodded. “Just here for the weekend, though.”

“We go to college in Boulder.”

I smiled. They looked at me. Now what? I was thinking. Oh, yeah, they’d asked me a question. I smiled in apology. “I’m sorry, just a little scatterbrained today. I’m doing fine. Not ready to go skiing yet, though.”

“What about Brandon? How’s he doing?”

I made myself smile even bigger. He didn’t want anyone to know he was in the hospital again. “He’s all right. Sleeping.”

“I figured he’d be the early riser, not you.”

“Oh, usually they’re both early risers,” Jon murmured.

I glared at him, then said to Angela, “Yeah, well, sometimes we like to switch roles.

Keeps things interesting, at any rate.”

Jon burst out laughing at that, and I kicked him beneath the table, my face heating. But he ignored me, winked at the girls, and said, “Yeah, keeps them from getting bored --”

“Shut up, Jon.”

“Hey, you said it, not me.”

448

Carolyn Gray

“Want me to toss him in the snow for you, Nicholas?” Jeff said.

“If he keeps it up,” I said, pouting.

Jon burst out laughing again. “It’s not me who keeps it up, Nick. That’s Brandon’s job.” I gasped and smacked him on the arm. “Shut up, Jon! That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” I paused, batted my eyes thoughtfully, and grinned shyly at the girls. “Although I guess it’s actually quite true.”

Jeff rolled his eyes, and two of the girls laughed. The other, Marlene, looked puzzled.

“What?” she said.

But Angela grabbed her by the arm, shaking her head as she said, “Never mind, Marl.

Thanks, Nicholas. We can’t wait to get your new CD. You guys are really living here now?” I nodded. “For now, anyway.”

“We’ll see you around, then?”

“More than likely. But probably not Jon,” I said, snarling at him. “He’s being sent on the first plane back to Murrieta.”

“Ah, Nick, don’t say that.” He leaned over and kissed me, then nuzzled my neck, making me laugh before he said, “You love me and you know it.” The girls stared, wide-eyed at Jon. “But we thought you and Brandon --” I pushed Jon away. “Just ignore him. Please. Sorry, this is Jon, Brandon’s pest of a brother. His very married brother. And Jeff’s our bodyguard.” Angela grinned. “Well, we’ve got to be going. Thanks for talking to us.” Marlene said, “I still want to know what you guys were laughing at --”

“Shut up, Marlene,” Angela said. I waved goodbye as they left, the two girls dragging their still clueless friend with them. After a moment I heard a shriek and an “Oh, my God!” and I groaned, covering my face.

“Such a way with words you have, darling,” Jon said.

I kicked him again. “Shut the fuck up.”

“Now, now, don’t get testy.”

Fortunately the waitress showed up and took our orders. To my surprise, when the food arrived I was able to eat. But as the hour dragged on, I got more and more anxious to leave. Once we finally paid the bill -- after I was recognized by several more people, which led to everyone else noticing me, had my picture taken with a grandma fan, and signed about twenty-five autographs (good gosh, I thought, would I ever find anonymity again? Oh, darn) -- we escaped the restaurant and headed to the hospital.

When we got there we had a surprise -- Adam was in the room with Brandon, fluffing his pillows for him. And Brandon was awake.

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I stared at Adam, then at Brandon, his half-closed eyes focused on me. He smiled. My baby looked loopy. Helpless.

“You okay?” I said, unable to explain the heated prickling at my neck.

Brandon lifted his hand up to me and nodded. I took his hand, pushing past Adam, who moved back to talk to Jon. I sat on the edge of the bed, still holding Brandon’s hand. I stroked it, his warm, dry skin, then kissed his knuckles, making him smile.

“Where you been?” he asked.

“Getting breakfast. I didn’t expect you to be awake.” He frowned, wrinkling his eyebrows together as if he were in pain. “Hurts.” I nodded, glancing at Lee.

“I’ll go get a nurse,” he said.

“Thanks, Lee,” I said.

He bowed sharply. I smiled as Lee left, turning back to Brandon, but he’d closed his eyes, drifted off. I stroked his face, shaking my head. So pale, so terribly pale. I couldn’t wait until summer, when he could be outside again and be my golden boy again. I hated him almost being the same color as me. It wasn’t right. Brandon was supposed to be gold and sunshine, bright white smiles, and sparkling green eyes like molten pools of emeralds. Not like this. Once he got well again, I’d spend the rest of my life making sure he never hurt again.

The pain and horror I’d suffered at the hands of my captor was nothing like what Brandon had endured. Still endured. I pushed thoughts, bitter and dark, away. I couldn’t think about such things now, and how the evil that pulsed around us still had its clutches on 450

Carolyn Gray

Brandon. Adam and Jon talked quietly behind me, and I felt sour. I didn’t want Adam there, really didn’t want anyone there but me and Brandon.

And him I wanted home.

The nurse came in, checked Brandon’s IV.

“He woke up?” she asked. The puzzled expression on her face alarmed me.

“Yes, he was awake when I got here,” I said, glancing at Adam. “Is he okay? Is that unusual?”

The nurse frowned. “A little. We’re just keeping him lightly sedated, but perhaps ...” She nodded, adjusted the drip. “A little more is in order. The doctor should be around in a bit to take a look at him, and I’ll let him know.”

“He’s sleeping now. He’s slept so much.”