A red tainted Silence (32 page)

I’d never had a strong urge to travel beyond the boundaries of my parents’ world. Everything I needed was right there in Murrieta.

Why go anywhere else? Once we formed Ashwood, I’d realized that was a pretty limited point of view. There was a lot to see outside of Murrieta, even outside of California, and I knew by hooking up with Nicholas, I’d likely see some of the world (okay, a hell of a lot of it) before all was said and done.

Didn’t mean I would ever be completely comfortable with it. And back then, I was very uncomfortable with it. But I didn’t want Nicholas to know, so I kept my apprehension to myself.

The wind buffeted my little car and sent the limbs of the trees that graced the streets whipping about as if they had minds of their own. We were in for quite a storm. Not that I minded -- I liked them. Liked sitting by an open window where I could enjoy the smell of fresh rain, accompanying the thunder and lightning with strums from my guitar, letting nature’s fury become my melody.

Tonight, though, I really wished the storms would hold off until we were back home, together, in our new four-poster bed. I was just as excited to try it out as Nicholas, though I hadn’t told him. I wondered if I did tell him, if he’d be willing to go back now. I glanced at him. He had opened his window and held his hand out to catch the cooling wind. He grinned at me and blew me a kiss. I gave him a brief smile before turning my attention back to the road.

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When it came right down to it, what really bothered me was a simple thing. I wasn’t looking forward to being seen at first glance as a gay man. It felt too new, too raw. I felt too ... exposed. And I had a feeling from Nick’s excited expression that I was letting myself in for an evening of, well, observation. I wasn’t fond of being looked at by strangers, except with the band. Though even then it kinda gave me the creeps.

I sighed. The more I thought about it, the more I realized his friends would probably be more than just a little curious about me. Some of them had been at the bookstore -- it embarrassed me now, how openly reactive I’d been to him. Would they expect the same of me tonight?

Would Nicholas?

He glanced at me, grinning happily. Reaching over to me, he laid one hand on my thigh. I tensed, the flash of heat his touch caused fueling my nervousness.

“You okay, Brandon?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m okay.”

He ran his fingers down my leg and back again; when he neared my crotch, his fingers paused before returning to my knee. Just the threat of his touch there made my dick respond.

I laid my hand on his as it neared my crotch again. “Don’t.” He grinned. “Sorry.” He didn’t move his hand.

I smiled wanly at him. “Like hell you are.”

He burst out laughing. “Can’t help it. You’re so irresistible in that shirt, even if you do look a little stiff. So preppy.” He snickered at that, not cowed by my glare. He leaned over and undid the top button, loosening my collar. “There. That’s better. Look, Brandon, don’t be nervous. Everyone’s going to love you. Seriously. Just give them a chance, okay?” But what if I didn’t want to be loved? Nicholas was all I needed, all I wanted.

That was yet another fundamental difference between us, I realized some months later -- Nicholas needed as much love and attention as he could get. He craved it. Had to have it to be happy. I didn’t need the crowds. I didn’t need the constant reassurance in order to be fulfilled.

But he did.

It took all my willpower not to yank the steering wheel, turn the car around, and floor it back to the house. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Not with such a look of peace on Nick’s face. He was happier now than he’d been since I first met him, and I wouldn’t spoil it with my own silly fears.

“I just hope they like me well enough.”

“They will. Turn here. Go down about six houses; it’s the last one on the right. The big white one.”

“Where all the cars are?” I swallowed.

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He nodded. “Yeah. Small and intimate group tonight.” Great. If this was small and intimate to Nicholas, what was a crowd?

I pulled into the driveway. There was one space empty in the circular drive. “What does Karen’s grandfather do?” I asked as I parked the car in front of the massive white, two-story mini-mansion.

“He’s a psychiatrist. Believe me, I fascinated the man. He tried his best to ‘cure’ me, before deciding since I was so happy, being gay must be all right,” he said in obvious amusement. “Said I blew away forty years of his theories about men, and he was a better doctor for it.”

“You get along all right with him?”

Nicholas grinned. “Oh, yes, he adores me.”

I shook my head in amusement. There were few who didn’t. Lights blazed against the darkened sky and flooded the wraparound porch. The house’s windows were open, the double front door painted bright red and inviting.

The door leading to hell, though I immediately pushed the thought aside. These were Nick’s friends. Somehow, someway, he fit in here -- a boy who’d spent who knows how long living in a shelter, whose family was who-knew-where.

I still didn’t know a great deal about Nicholas, I realized. Was he from someplace like this? Had he grown up in a house like this, too? And if so, how had it all gone so wrong? I wanted to ask him and meant to before the weekend was over.

But not now.

I killed the engine. Nicholas leapt out of the car and smoothed his pants, then his hair.

He wore dark slacks, a sports jacket, a dark shirt and belt, nice shoes. He looked great. More of Jonathan’s clothes -- I was beginning to realize my brother was a clotheshorse. Me, I felt a little on the too-casual side in my jeans, a blue button-down, and boots.

I buttoned my shirt back up.

Nicholas started to walk toward the house, but stopped, realizing I hadn’t gotten out of the car yet. He whirled around and headed for my side of the car. I took a deep breath and opened the door, emerging as he reached me. I closed the car door just as he slid an arm around my waist and kissed me.

“Come on, Brandon, I’ll take care of you in there. I promise.” I smoothed my hair back, realized my palms were sweaty. I looked over the car at the house, blinking against the bright lights that flooded across our faces. “Maybe you should go by yourself, Nicholas. I -- I don’t think I can handle this. I’ll wait.” He squeezed my waist, then stood in front of me, his face etched with concern. “Hey, babe, I won’t make you go in if you really don’t want to. You know that, right?” I nodded, then took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m sorry I’m such a wreck.” A Red-Tainted Silence

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He smiled, tilted his face up, and brushed his lips across mine. I closed my eyes and dipped my head to his, welcoming his reassuring kiss. I broke away and laid my head on his shoulder. His hand came up and massaged the back of my neck. It felt so good.

“I’m such a pain,” I whispered.

“No, you aren’t. You’re just shy. We can leave if you really want. It would mean a lot to me, though, if you came with me. I promise you, I wouldn’t ask you if I thought anyone would treat you badly in there.”

My desire to please Nicholas warred with my need for privacy. Walking into a group of strangers while so obviously partnered with Nicholas was, like I said, damn frightening. I struggled a moment, trying to put into words why I held back.

“It’s not -- I don’t fear that, Nicholas. It’s just that this will be the first time for me. The first time I publicly acknowledge that I’m ... uh ...”

“Gay? My lover?” he said with a grin.

I searched his face. There wasn’t anger to be found there, only compassion, understanding. I nodded.

“Oh, Brandon,” he said, laying his hand on my cheek and looking at me with such unabashed adoration, I would’ve given him anything right then. “This is probably the only place, except for with Jonathan and Amanda, that we can be seen as lovers. Remember what we talked about? And what we promised Adam?” His expression darkened at that. “I’m ready to do that for us, for the good of our future. But here, tonight -- please, be with me.” I slowly nodded, unable to resist him. “Okay. I’ll try.” He beamed at me and kissed me on the cheek. I took a deep breath, pulling away from him. But he grasped my hand, entwining his fingers with mine.

“Let’s go in, then.”

“Okay,” I mumbled, my breath catching as my chest tightened with apprehension. He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze, and we walked up the sidewalk toward that red door (which was standing open now), me holding on to Nicholas as if he were my lifeline.

Which, of course, he was.

Nicholas paused at the bottom of the stairs, standing one step up from me. He was a little taller than me, then. I liked looking up to him. “We should get you a stool,” I said.

He raised an eyebrow at that. “Really. That could be fun, actually. Come on. One more kiss for Nicholas before we go in,” he demanded, drawing close to me.

I sucked in my breath and glanced around his shoulder. I could see people milling about the entryway. But he stole away my unspoken complaint with a squeeze of his hand and the capturing of my mouth. I sank into him -- I couldn’t help myself. He kissed me again and again, teasing my lips with possessive nibbles. His kisses made me drunk with the need for more, and my body responded to his nearness, as he knew damn well it would.

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He broke away. “Brandon,” he whispered, his voice rough. “The way you respond to me ...” He dipped his head to mine again, pulling me close. I met his lips with my own, gently sucking on that exquisite bottom lip. He pulled back and captured my mouth again, his tongue caressing mine. A low groan rose up in him. I wrapped my arms around him; he did the same to me, one hand splayed over my butt and pulling me closer, the other on the small of my back. He pulled back a little and brushed my lips with his. “Tonight, Brandon.

Tonight.”

I nodded, mashing my body against his. We kissed again, and I lost myself in him, a shiver running through me at his soft, melodic moans.

“Nicholas! Quit fondling your boyfriend and get in here. You guys are late.” I yanked back with a yelp. Nicholas whipped his head around in annoyance, not releasing me. I glanced over his shoulder, my face heating. The intruder, the butt-slapper from the bookstore, stood at the top of the steps, his hands on his hips in mock annoyance.

“We’re waiting for you, you know. Come on inside before it starts to rain.”

“We’ll be inside in a second. Need to tell Brandon something.” Nicholas looked at me, opening his mouth to say something else, when several more people spilled out of the house, calling Nick’s name. He shrugged at me. “Guess it’ll have to wait.” What? I nearly said, but Nicholas had already started up the stairs, dragging me after him. I didn’t have a chance to wonder what he was going to say, then. His hand firmly gripping mine, Nicholas dragged me into the house.

Cold shivers raced through me as he released me to accept hugs and kisses of welcome.

I hung back, a feeling of displacement folding over me as I watched him move from person to person, laughing, teasing, joking with his friends, male and female alike.

“You guys waited for me? You shouldn’t have -- but it’s a good thing you did.”

“Wouldn’t want you to have a tantrum, Nicholas,” said one of them, an incredibly good-looking guy with a shock of red hair.

“Not a pretty sight, you’re right about that,” Nicholas said as his friends enfolded him into their embrace. I stepped back, nearly stumbling against a vase on a pedestal. I caught it, then moved away from it, not wanting to cause it to fall.

I watched Nicholas. Happiness brightened his face, made his eyes dance as he took what I realized was his place amongst his friends -- the centerpiece, the king and the court entertainer all in one. The bright shining star that pulled all others to him. And come they did.

There were a lot more people here than he’d let on there’d be -- as I’d seen from the cars outside. And they all seemed to know him, to want to hug and touch and greet him, and I watched him, feeling some envy, some frustration, and an awful lot of loneliness as I was pulled by the others into the living room, yet pulled farther away from him.

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This was the first time I’d feel like a hanger-on around Nicholas -- but it wouldn’t be the last. In fact, I didn’t know it then, but it would soon become the norm for me. Where Nicholas appeared with people who loved him, he was the center of the world, and everyone else was just a secondary part. Necessary to him, maybe, but still secondary.

Including me.

I felt a presence next to me. “Something else, isn’t he?” I looked down in surprise at the woman next to me. “Remember me?” she said.

I nodded, feeling some relief at the familiar face. “I do remember you. Karen. Yes, he is.”

She smiled with affection as Nicholas squealed a greeting to someone he apparently hadn’t seen in a while. “You’ll get used to it. He just has that effect on people.” I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just nodded and crossed my arms across my chest. I knew when I’d first seen him, up on that stage, and again at the bookstore, that he had this very quality about him. I knew then, even as young and inexperienced as I was, that it was important he have this. This charisma. That this was what made him special, what would draw people to him, be instrumental to his, and my, future success.

But right then, it hurt. He’d said he wouldn’t leave me alone, and almost immediately he had done so.

I kept waiting for him to come back, but he didn’t, as person after person captured his attention. As the minutes wore on, I got more and more uncomfortable. The stares cast my way made my face heat, the back of my neck prickle. Everywhere I looked, I saw people looking at me, some with knowing grins, others with open curiosity. Those with knowing grins were whispering to the others. I wanted to bolt as they stripped me bare with their eyes and smiling mouths. I could no longer see Nicholas, his friends having taken him somewhere inside the house.

I turned away, headed for the door. I had to get out of there. I didn’t belong there. I shouldn’t have come at all, and felt an almost unbelievable sense of sadness at the realization.