A Portal to Leya (16 page)

Lance

COMMENTS

Jabberwocky9
you’re getting better, letting go : )

THE
NEW PHASE OF BEING

 I woke up in a vile mood thinking that summer would
drag on forever. I started missing Leya, really missing her. I know I said
that, but this was a deep sort of painful ache, more than my blue shirt. I wish
I was at the beach. I don’t mind being alone, most times, but lately I’ve been
feeling displaced and Heather is gone for a week, and I even considered calling
Chad after all this time. I’m sure he wants nothing to do with me. He’s a
skater now anyway.

So after dinner, and a long painfully boring day, I
went to the movies with Dorrie and Ben. We saw
Alice in Wonderland
.
Johnny Depp played the Mad Hatter. I really like Ben. He’s interesting. Good
thing because I know that in some cases the boyfriend can create havoc. Anyway,
Ben told me that the term Mad Hatter originated from a time when the hat makers
used to inhale the glue and, eventually, they turned crazy from sniffing too
much glue. It was before we had unions and labor laws. We don’t know how easy
we have it today. At the end, Alice is confronts the jabberwocky and defeats
it. Alice realizes that she doesn’t have to always conform, that she can have a
mind of her own. She has an epiphany. She decides that it’s okay to be a little
mad. My favorite part was when the queen chains the mad hatter to a table, and
forces him to make her hats. The mad hatter forgets he is a prisoner, he loves
to make hats so much that he forgets what he’s doing, and then Alice reminds
him when she says how sorry she is that he is forced to make hats for the queen.
He looks at her in utter panic and says” I must be mad!” Alice makes him
better, repeats her father’s words “Yes you are mad, bonkers. But let me tell
you a secret-- all the best people are.”

I
thought of my father, myself. I decided mad isn’t so horrible a fate. And thank
goodness for modern psychiatry and medication. Who knows what might have happened
if Emmet wasn’t on something. Maybe he’d end up dead. Then, I’d never have a
chance to meet him. I don’t know when it happened, but each day, I’m entering a
new phase of being. I don’t know if I love it. I just don’t have a choice. I’m
being led by something or someone other than you, Leya. I have hope, a renewed
sense of purpose.

Lance

COMMENTS

Jabberwocky9
Yes!
Love Lewis Carroll’s poem
Jabberwocky
. He was absolutely MAD when he
wrote it. He may have been on drugs but he was still so BRILLIANT! “Twas the
brillig, and the slithy tove…Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were
the borogoes, and the mome raths outgrabe.” I was only 9 when I first read it;
hence the username Jabberwocky9.

Anonymous
Ah!
Madness--the curse of genius.

THE
APATHY

Francis
is on my mind. I know he can’t write back, but I miss him and I miss my dad,
Emmet Bryce (even though I never knew him). He probably can’t write either.
Maybe it’s good though that I wrote to them. I don’t think it was for naught.
Maybe I gave them a bit of hope in a hopeless state. I decided that I do want
to see my Dad. I want to visit him and say hi, introduce myself. I should take
a bus. Go. Just do it. I should go to the police too.

Neal
Lourdes new trial date is set in two weeks. I don’t have much time. I can’t let
him be accused. I don’t want to get arrested or fined for withholding
information, obstructing justice. What’s wrong with me? I can’t seem to do
anything lately. I feel apathetic. Numb. I feel my physical body slowing down
as if the world is moving past me. I’m never hungry. I have to make myself eat.
I have to admit I miss hearing and seeing Leya, even if it was just an
hallucination. But Heather is helping me. She is helping me so much I can’t
even articulate what it means. So maybe I want to be 100 percent okay, which
would include Leya, too.

Lance

COMMENTS

Heather
Go
see your dad. Why not? What is stopping you? I will go with you, hon. You have
me. I’m here. xoxo

Anonymous
I’m
sure your dad would love to see you again. He hasn’t seen you all these years.
I would ask your mom about it.

@heather
–it’s not that simple.

Heather
nothing ever is my dear. Trust me. I need you. That’s right. I do. Come by
tonight. I pm’d you. xoxo

I
wonder when the Blackwaters are going to trim their bushes and weed the garden.
I mean how can they expect to sell the house with an overgrown lawn and messy landscaping?
I also wonder why Neal’s trial keeps getting delayed. I asked Ben. He said that
Neal must have a good DA. I asked if there might be problems with the
prosecutor’s evidence and he said possibly and that they may be delaying case
as long as possible to get more evidence. Then I asked Ben if he thought Neal
was guilty. He said he wasn’t sure and that we would just have to wait. Then I
considered if Neal Lourdes is found guilty, he will never go home, put his feet
up on the coffee table, and play video games. Neal Lourdes will never take a
ride in his truck, or on his Harley Davidson, or feel the wind whip his hair.
Most people don’t care. I shouldn’t care either. I mean it’s up to him to clear
his own name. If Trudy really cared about him, she’d tell the truth.

If
he did do it, I think Leya would actually forgive him. I do. She was like that.
I doubt Now that I think of it, Neal Lourdes was ever taught much of anything
good from his biological parents. He was probably left alone all the time.
Maybe those idiots plugged in some videos for him or set him up with computer
games. Neal Lourdes, alone with his thoughts, craving human touch, became
hungry. With a brain already prewired at birth to perseverate, he was
susceptible, a loose cannon ready to fire. How could I ever forgive Neal Lourdes
or anyone for murdering her?  I can’t. But maybe I should? I should. If I’m a
good person, I should. I’m not perfect. But I know what’s right and wrong. If I
don’t call the police, I might as well wait for high tide, fill my pockets with
rocks and walk straight into the ocean.

Lance

COMMENTS

Jabberwocky9
I
like to think that we are inspired by each other—good and evil, sane and
insane.

@jabberwocky9
nicely stated. But what the heck does it all mean? No one is perfect.

CONFESSION

I
never would have EVER believed Trudy Markus and I could be on the same channel.
That is until today. I did it. I finally called the police. And here’s the
weird part: when I called the police, Detective Jake said they already received
a call that morning and they were following up on it; then he called back like
a half hour later and asked if I would be willing to me to come down to the
station to corroborate TRUDY MARKUS’S TESTIMONY!!! We both called on the same
day. We were definitely on the same channel. It was strictly voluntary, which
means I didn’t need to go to the station. But, I had to go, for Leya, for
myself, to make it real. The idea that finally the truth was surfacing made me
want to explode. I was manic, euphoric

So,
Dorrie and Benny drove me to the station. It was famously quiet, the way it is
for these occasions.
“Do you think I need a lawyer?” I asked. Ben said
it wasn’t necessary. It was a short ride that felt long. It felt weird to be in
the police station parking lot. “Do you think there will be reporters when we
get there?” Ben said no one knew about it yet. But they would soon enough. I
have to admit, walking up to the door, I felt powerful. I figured it was the
adrenaline, a bad charge-- the imbalance of waves circulating the area. I
wonder if criminals are simply confused and come to like and crave that kind of
negative charge, confuse it with the positive charge. Detective Jake and
another guy, Harrison, greeted us at the door. They were almost giddy. I
thought they should have been more serious. Ben and Dorrie came into the room
and that was okay with me and the detectives. We all sat at a rectangular desk.
In the middle was a tape recorder. The room was so bare. It was a depressing
room. I could tell it was made for criminals. It made me feel bad for some
reason. They told me they would be taping our conversation. They asked if I
wanted a soda or water. I said no. I asked if I needed a lawyer (just to be
sure) and they assured me that no I was not in any kind of trouble. I recounted
the whole experience with Trudy Markus. They interrupted a few times when I
described Trudy’s grandfather, Emilio and what Trudy was wearing. I recalled
the conversation with Trudy, verbatim. The interview took about 20 minutes. It
was over so quick. On the way out, I told the detectives they may want to
consider hanging some paintings in the room. They laughed. Adults do that to me
all the time. I like to be taken seriously and all they can do is laugh. On the
ride home, I asked Ben if Trudy would be charged with perjury. He said it’s a
possibility. I don’t think that’s fair. She did come forth with information.
“Would I be charged with perjury?” Ben said no. My whole body went limp from
the release. They won’t accuse me or imprison me. They let me go. No more questions.
They thanked me. I’m free. I feel better, more rationale. I’m sure I wasn’t the
one who did it. It’s not rationale. I know that now. Static is diminishing. My
thoughts are clearing.

Lance

COMMENTS

Susanne
exciting
news!!! But if not Neal, then who???

Heather
you
are so brave. And so rationale, of course LOL xxxooo

NEAL
LOURDE’S ALIBI

News move fast. There it was, front page in big
letters:
New evidence in the Leya Blackwater case
. Neal’s alibi was
corroborated. Neal was with Trudy at her house the night Leya was murdered. I
can imagine it all—the two groping each other, an emptied bottle of red wine
propped next to Trudy’s bed, Emilio Markus downstairs, passed out in his chair,
bushy grey hair mussed, his own half emptied bottle of scotch propped up
against the leg of the chair. I guess Trudy was ashamed and didn’t want to
confess. She had recently admitted being gay (I thought of her with Lacy the
platinum blonde) and so she was invited into the exclusive gay club at school.
I don’t get it. I really don’t. Also (this one is no surprise) Neal (the tough
guy who bullied you, Leya) was threatened by Manny. Manny warned Neal that if
he kept talking shit or even tried to involve Trudy, he and his boys would mess
him up. He even put a knife to his throat. Neal was actually scared.
Eventually, maybe with a little push from me, and Manny going to prison and her
grandfather dying, Trudy realized she could actually lose Neal, and it was the
real deal. She confessed that Neal Lourdes was in her bedroom from 5 p.m. until
the next morning, and that, no, she wasn’t gay. A neighbor corroborated the
story, saying “Oh, sure now that I think of it, around 6 a.m. I heard a Harley.
It was loud as hell. I was pissed off and looked out the window to see who it
was. I would have opened the window but the damn thing is jammed.” A second neighbor
said that this same Harley was parked in the driveway at 5:45 p.m. that evening
when he came home from work. Leya was estimated to have been murdered between
6:30 p.m. and 7:00—5 miles away from Trudy’s house. Without any substantial
evidence (the DNA was not enough) Neal Lourdes was no longer a suspect.

And, supposedly, they do have a suspect but his name
is not being revealed. I almost didn’t believe what I was reading! I felt like
I was in a dream. It was real. I felt like I was thrust in this new reality
that was raw and jarring. I considered writing a letter of apology to Neal. I
would admit that I believed he murdered you. I wouldn’t tell him how I imagined
it, the way he did it, wrapped his hands around Leya’s neck, raped her,
smothered her. But then I decided if I confessed Neal might come after me for
spreading lies. How could I have been so misled? All that displaced negative
energy flowing from me and flooding the environment. Right now, I should be
ecstatic. Instead, I feel like an imposter—despicable. I tried so hard to get
Trudy to confess. Now, I feel depleted and drained. And, lastly, who murdered Leya?

Lance

COMMENTS

Susanne
Everyone
is on edge, wondering who it could be. At least we knew Neal and his possible
motive. What if it’s some random serial murderer? I pray they catch this guy
soon!!!

@all
--just have to wait and see. I can’t think of anything else…I’m stuck. Neal had
to choose the less of two evils—getting tortured by Manny and his boys or going
to trial for the murder of Leya…bad situation either way.

NEW
SUSPECT

It’s
crazy. That guy is out there somewhere, waiting. More than 70 percent of crimes
are committed by someone familiar to the victim. All I can think about now is
WHO?? It must have been a someone with a truck or an SUV a big enough to fit
her bike. Could it have been someone she knew, a neighbor? Ben says they are questioning
a few suspects but no one has been charged yet. One suspect is a painter who
worked for the Blackwater’s over the summer. I remember him! I think his name
was Jed something or other. He was young, had reddish curly hair, dark rimmed
glasses—I think he was a teacher. He was extra friendly to Leya now that I
think of it. He seemed normal.