A Place in His Heart (11 page)

October 1636

Wind swept through the wheat with a gentle rustle as Mary looked out across the field. Thomas and Jane had been in New England for three years now. Barney talked daily of his plans for their migration to the New World, but it was all so much to take in. Somewhere to the west would be the ocean they must cross to their new home. She shuddered. A new home, if they survived. It was a long way across that ocean. Barney told her she must trust in the Lord and He would provide. But so far her world kept shaking.

A twinkling star appeared, followed by another. Would the stars follow them to the colonies? She hoped God would. She closed her eyes in prayer as the wind stung a tear trickling down her cheek. She wanted God to listen, but at times He seemed so far away. Like the stars. Like her mother.

Barney slid his arms around her waist. She caught her breath as he pulled her close. “I didn't hear you come up. Do you think my mother and Ann look down from heaven, from the stars?”

He scanned the sky. “God gave us stars for navigation, to find our way in the dark.”

“Mother said they are like little windows to heaven.”

“Aye, I like that. She had many stories, did she not? Mayhap that's heaven's light shining down.”

“I shall miss my family so much, Barney. Papa, my sister, Zeke, and the babies—they are all I have had for so long.”

She waited for his reply while he rubbed her arms, bringing warmth to the cool fall evening. After a moment she added, “I'm tired of planning and quite ready to go, and it's helped me so much talking things over with Lizzie. What shall I do without her?”

“You will have me, Mary. I know this is a hard thing for you to do, to follow me. As long as there is the very breath in me, I will take care of you.”

A cool, wet wind whipped her skirts about. She shivered and once again imagined crossing the ocean to a place she could not fathom. Jeremy had made the voyage twice and even his stories left her wondering.

Barnabas hovered over her and rested his chin in her hair. “You remember meeting Reverend Youngs when we went on holiday to Southwold? How he requested passage on
The
Mary Ann
out of Yarmouth and was denied? His plan is now to depart from Hingham over in Norfolk. Of course his wife and six children will accompany him. Several members of his vicarage plan to go with him, as well. They are bound for Boston, but likely it will be next year before they sail. It must be kept silent, of course, not even your father should be told.”

“He tells no one of our plans. He would do nothing to endanger us or any of the reformers, Barney.”

“Of course, but the fewer who know about Reverend Youngs,
the safer it is for his family. Your father has been very tolerant of the meetings we have, but mostly to protect you.”

“He's not happy with our plans. He would have us stay if he thought it safe, but the dangers across the ocean are just as frightening to him. Lizzie tells him of the stories she hears about how wondrous the New World is and tells him I must support you.”

“The stories are true, Mary.”

“Do you believe that?”

He chortled. “Jeremy might embellish, but Thomas tells us straight. Yes, indeed his letter states it is true what they say. I promise you. It is truly God's paradise.”

“Are you not happy here?”

“It is not about being happy here. I believe God's hand is in this. We see the dangers here compounded every day. I worry much more about persecutions from the church and government than Indians and wild animals in the New World.”

Mary drew back. “We hear so many stories about whippings and jail, yet I feel so isolated here.”

“That's the danger, Mary. We can become complacent. I promised Ann. I promised her I would take care of the boys. Prithee, it is what I must do. There are many things in this life I do not understand, that I do not know. One thing I have learned. Sometimes we must step out in faith. Is it not what we did when we pledged our lives to each other?”

She rested her head against his shoulder, his breath warm on her hair. “I want to be strong for you and have your faith. But we are not without problems, and they will follow us. We have yet to find a way to ease Jay's pain. He misses his mother and it hurts him. He is like you. You both hold your pain inside until it rises up to overwhelm us. I try so hard to understand, and to
anticipate, but sometimes I feel lost and helpless. Those things will not change by running away. And far across that ocean we shall have no one to turn to.”

His arms tightened around her. He was silent and she wondered what was on his heart.

“We shall have God. God is who we must turn to.” He hugged her tight.

“Then I shall go with you and always work beside you.” She turned to look into his dark green eyes. “Barney, I don't know why, but you carry much guilt over Ann's death. You know much more than me about spiritual matters, but pray thee, you need to forgive yourself. You need to do that before we leave.”

“Ann and I had a beautiful life together. We were much more fortunate than most of our friends. We found love. A true love we delighted in and thanked the Lord daily for.” He paused. “Can you not understand why I would want to leave this place? There are so many memories that it holds. It haunts me.”

“The memories you must keep, not run from. You shall find a time when they make you smile. You shall remember the good times, the happy times. But it does not mean you cannot create new memories.”

“It is more than that. At times I watch you as you clean and rearrange things to your liking. You are but building a nest, and I understand that—yet I want to correct you. To tell you, nay, that's not how Ann did it . . . that's not where Ann kept it. I hold my tongue and hate myself for those thoughts, but they are there.”

Pain pricked her heart like a thorn. “I—I know that. I can tell what you are thinking. But 'tis all right. I don't wish to change things for you. Only—”

“I see that. I do. We both can start anew in Massachusetts.
But more than that, God has laid the church on my heart. My father and I will never agree. He gave me his Bible years ago, yet our thoughts on the church are at odds. If I cannot convince my father, I cannot convince the Church of England. Unless by going to New England we might establish the church there and show the king what God intended.”

“But you have reconciled with your father.”

“Certainly. But to the point, it is time for me to seek my own way. To not just say the words, but to act on my beliefs.”

“You are an honorable man. 'Tis one of the reasons I adore you, Barney.”

“Pray thee, if we go to the New World we have the chance to build the church as God would have us to do. A chance to build our own home. Without the memories. We will do as you say, make new memories. Give me your agreement. Give me your support. That is the balm I need.”

She leaned on her husband as they gazed out to the west. If this is what he needed, she would indeed be his balm. And perhaps God would grant him a second love of a lifetime. “You are the kindest, sweetest man I have ever known and I am so blessed to have you. It makes me feel guilty when I think about you losing the love of your life and I have just found mine. I long for you to love me like you loved her. I pray thee that you understand.”

He looked down at her. “But why does that matter? I try to understand. We never seem to get past the wondering and the guilt, though. It perplexes me to think you cannot understand how I care. Do I not show you daily? What else can I say? I fear you do not believe in yourself. Do you not understand how much you give me? For that I am truly indebted.”

“That means much to me, but I'm still struggling to find my place with you. I think I understand how you care for me, and
then I find pieces of your soul that I know nothing about, and that scares me.”

He pulled her closer. She turned in his embrace and met his kiss. “You have been strong for years for your father. And now you have stood by me and pulled me from my grief. You are a strong one, to be sure, but mayhap it is time for me to be strong enough for both of us.”

They stood together and watched as myriad stars popped from the darkening sky. A savory aroma wafted down from the house and Barney inhaled deeply. “Gracious, it is getting dark.”

“Are you hungry?” She reluctantly broke away. “Supper shall not be long. I put the meat from dinner in a pottage and left it simmering on the fire. Gather up the boys for a washing while I put it on the table.”

“The smell makes me hungry.”

She hugged herself and grinned. Was he saying he liked her cooking? Perhaps he would pass the tongs. Perhaps he would love her.

The Horton clan gathered at their well-worn oak table. Mary put the pottage, brimming with thick pieces of mutton, onions, turnips, and parsnips, at the center of the table. She set the crusty bread, hot and fragrant, next to the freshly churned butter. As she sat next to her husband, they joined hands and lowered their heads.

Barney led the prayer. “Lord, I pray that You will guide us in our preparations for the trip to the colonies. It will be long and arduous. We will be risking much. We pray that You will be with us each step of the way and that we may not waver from Your plan for us. We ask Your blessings in all things. Amen.”

Jay and Ben eagerly mopped the gravy with their bread. It pleased her to see them eat with gusto. Barney would disapprove of their manners, but it was good to see Jay enjoy her meal. Usually he feigned a stomachache when she cooked.

“Joseph, Benjamin. When I grew up, we ate with our hands, but now that is what we have spoons for. ” Barnabas took a heaping spoonful of stew and savored it. Carefully, he put down the spoon and scratched at his beard, winking at the boys before turning back to her. “Aye, I see. We shall all want to soak our bread in the sauce to get every bit. Gracious, I shall lose my place as cook and baker in this family if I am not careful.”

She basked in the compliment. In the New World he would need to devote his attentions to building a house and a church. She would become mistress of the hearth and home.

Supper finished, they settled near the fire. Barney picked up the Bible and leafed through the pages. He looked dismayed. Or was that indignation?

“The ribbon. Ann's blue hair ribbon. Where is it?” His voice was sharp, so far different than just a few moments ago at dinner. His look was leveled directly at her.

“I—I don't know. I didn't take it out of the Bible. I did read from it this morning, but I am sure I did not remove the ribbon.” She looked frantically about, spotting the frayed ribbon resting at the leg of the oak table. “There it is. Perhaps it fell as you opened the pages.”

He sighed and looked a bit sheepish. She picked it up and he accepted it without comment.

She listened as he read a passage, but his angry words echoed in her head.

March 1, 1637

A frantic flurry ensued with the necessary planning and preparation for such a long voyage. Mary bent over the list at the oak table, twirling a ringlet of hair around her finger as she studied the account intently. Dried beef, salt pork, beans, wheat, oats, peas, oil, vinegar, and butter. Sugar and spices. Ginger, pepper, cloves, mace, nutmeg, and cinnamon were on his list, but she knew she would need far more spices than that. And herbs. Sweet oranges and lemons were recommended for their fragrance and health. Implements included an iron pot, kettle, a frying pan, gridiron, another skillet, a spit, wooden platters, trenches, and spoons.

“This is a good start. But in truth, I worry more about sleeping down below with all of those people. People that cannot bathe and are sick. I've heard the terrible stories, Jeremy. I shudder to think of the conditions.”

“Aye, life on the 'tween deck is dangerous. The seas will be rough and the voyage long and people do get very sick. It's not easy, but you are strong and healthy, as the boys are. I promise
you I intend to make it as easy upon you as I can. I would like to offer you the master cabin. It's not large, with only one bed, but it would offer you privacy, as well as safety.”

“Oh, no, you cannot do that. That wouldn't be right. Where would you sleep? What if you became ill?” Mary looked to Barney for agreement.

Jeremy was quick to answer. “Do not worry for me. I'll sleep in the scuttle hatch with my two ship's officers. As long as I'm not sleeping on the beakhead, I shall be fine.”

Jay looked up, showing interest in the conversation for the first time. “What's that, Uncle Jeremy?”

“That is where the sailors work the foresails. And they use it as their chamber pot.” He laughed at Jay's obvious disgust. “The scuttle hatch is forward of the foremast.”

“What's the foremast?”

“It holds up the sail. Barn, your son will be a sailor for sure. I'll teach you all about sailing on the voyage, Joseph. You can learn to use the cross-staff and learn all about the stars.” He turned to Mary, obviously satisfied that all would be well with this journey.

His sincerity softened Mary's heart. No matter how hard the next months would be, she knew Jeremy would do everything he could to make it bearable for her. He was so much like Barney.

“What of our furniture, Jeremy?” She eyed the old oak table.

“Nay, the furniture stays. It is too heavy and bulky. There are plenty of trees of all kinds in Massachusetts. The forests are endless. No one even knows how vast they are. Barnabas can build all of the furniture you could ever want for.” He turned to his brother. “Do you have a cask? It would be best to pack your necessities in one, but with a wife and two children I could allow you two. Cargo room is limited, and we will have live
stock on board, so I want you to be careful in what you plan to bring. I will have final approval, so it shall be best for you to tell me early on.”

“Aye, brother. I know the cooper. He will build what we need. We will look at your list and make revisions. I shall let you know next week what we require.”

To her surprise, she enjoyed working on the list. To Jeremy's basics, she added biscuits and cheese. How had he not mentioned them? Although she loved her dresses and hats, the kitchen cloths and other various linens were far more important for their home. She would try to fit in as many folds of fabric from the mercer as she could, perhaps worsted and linen. In gray and black? Yes, if she were to start over, she would dress for Barney. Dress in the conservative style he preferred her to wear. But her favorite green gown would not be left behind, and the silver looking glass, a must. And seeds. She must ask Lizzie to help her gather seeds. Perhaps they could do some cuttings. How to transport, though
.
Hmm . . . she must ask Jeremy
.
She would miss her English garden.

Barney looked over her shoulder. “Do not forget we will only have two casks.”

“I know, Barney. I do wish we could bring the table, though.” She lovingly traced her finger around the hearts that contained the
J
and
B
.

“You heard Jeremy. That is not possible. Too heavy, too big. I will make you a fine table when we get there.”

“But you are missing the significance of this one. Someday you shall realize it, but it will be too late. Jay and Ben both know the importance. It is a very real expression of their mother's
love. Beyond their memories and their quilts, they do not have much to cling to as they travel so far away.”

“I am touched that you care, I am. You remind me of why I need a mother for my children. But we simply will not have the allowance for the table. You must abide by that.” He kissed the top of her head and listened to her sigh. “Truly, I do understand it. Now cheer up, my sweet. On the morrow we leave for London with Elizabeth and Ezekiel. It will be a holiday for you ladies. Jeremy plans to meet with me and Ezekiel. There is much to discuss.”

“And the children?”

“Joseph and Benjamin will stay with Grandmother Horton, and Elizabeth's children will stay with their grandpapa.”

While Barney, Jeremy, and Zeke met for a game of bowl, Mary and Lizzie took to the shops. After their supper, the five walked the path next to the Thames and leaned on the same stone wall where she and Lizzie had stood over six years ago. Mary searched the docks for
The Swallow
. Lizzie quietly put her arm around her sister.

Jeremy stepped close. “You cannot see her from here, Mary. On the morrow I will take you to her before we set out for Mowsley. She is bigger and grander than any of these. That one across the way is
The Hector
. Reverend Davenport will be on that ship and
The Hector
will sail with us, as our sister ship.”

Barney came to Mary's side. “Reverend Davenport is the minister I told you about who knows Reverend Youngs. They will work together in Massachusetts.”

“'Tis comforting to know there will be another ship close by.”

“Aye. It is always planned that way, for safety.”

“I have been thinking, Jeremy, of the people who will live down below, on the 'tween deck.”

“Oh?”

“I should like to be of help to them in some way. It shan't be much, but I was thinking I should like to bring a few barrels of lemons, if I may, and share them daily with the passengers down below. It might ease their condition somewhat perhaps. For their breath and to help fragrance the living area. There is not much I can do, but with your permission, I would like to make that my mission.”

“That would be most kind of you, but of course, you do not mean to go down there yourself, do you?”

“Oh, yes, I do. I would not feel I was being of help to stay on the main deck.”

Barney touched her hand. “Jeremy will take you down when we board. If you can see firsthand the conditions, I believe you will know it best to not go down with any regularity.”

“Aye, Mary, I am trying to spare you that. It's kind of you to offer barrels of lemons, but limit it to one and we'll add it to the larder. Or if you would slice the peels and dry them, we can bring more.”

On the night of their return, over a supper of cold meats and carrots, Barney discussed the trip with Mary. The boys listened eagerly, asking about the bowling and ships. Jay and Ben took turns telling of adventures they had with Grandmother and Grandfather Horton.

Supper finished and Scriptures read, Barney closed the Bible. “Boys, it has been an exhausting day. Time for you to change into your nightshirts.”

Jay gave his usual look of disdain but did as he was told. Ben looked at Mary and she nodded toward the bedroom with a smile. He followed closely behind his brother.

“Jeremy and I stopped at the cemetery and I knelt beside Ann's grave.”

Mary looked up. “When was that?”

“Coming home, when you were in the carriage with Ezekiel and Elizabeth. We got so far in front of you that we found we had some extra time. Did you not notice we disappeared for a time?”

“No, I suppose Lizzie and I were talking too much. It was difficult in the city, knowing this would be the last time we were there together. We had so much to say to each other on the way back. 'Tis good you stopped.”

“I was looking at the blue slate I put over her grave. I told Jeremy it would mean much to me if I could bring a similar piece with me for my own tomb.” He studied his cup as he fingered it.

“Is there something about your health you have not shared with me?” She hoped the sarcasm she heard in her voice did not sound so sharp to him. “You know it hurts me when you do not share important matters with me.” She reached out to touch his hand.

He pulled back. “If you please, there is nothing wrong with my health. My good doctor tells me I am hale and actually very sound. Nay, this is about wanting the blue slate in New England. I know what I want engraved on the stone and I must make haste to have this done before we take our leave. Jeremy is in agreement.”

She wanted to be kind, but she felt herself slipping. “Barnabas. Is there no end? Jeremy tells me that I cannot bring the oak table. A table that means so much to your sons and should to you too. And you agreed with that. Now you tell me that you want to bring a slab of blue slate—the weight we cannot even guess—and—Jeremy tells you that he approves?”

“It is his ship, Mary.”

“I do not understand. 'Tis quite beyond me. If thou thinks I will follow thee to the end of the earth, methinks you should think again! I love you, but if you do not value my judgment, then by your leave, plan on what you will take, but do not plan on taking me!”

Barney jumped to his feet and raked his hand through his hair, then scratched at his beard. “Pray thee, where does this come from? This anger that boils up?”

“Why would it not anger me? It seems you and Jeremy have both gone behind my back and planned this. 'Tis not a matter of thinking I cared not. You knew I cared. Did not that matter to you?”

He began to pace and it reminded her of Papa.

“I do care, you know I do. Have I not stood by and let you make that confounded list? I have remained silent while you make your lists and purchases. And did not Jeremy give his permission for you to bring an extra barrel of lemons?”

“They are not for me. They are for those poor people in the holds of the ship.”

“Very well, but even so, I have been patient with what you intend to bring. You know I have.”

“Perhaps you don't understand how important the table is.”

“Please know I would not sail without you. Let me go to Jeremy on the morrow and ask if we might bring both. The blue slate is important to me. I cannot say wherefore, just that it is. But I would not choose the slate over you. Never, Mary.”

“I thank you for that.” She managed a weak smile. “Yes, please, I want you to ask this of Jeremy. Truly, I want to bring the table. Tell him he has upset me greatly.”