A Perfect Life: A Novel (27 page)

Blaise knew she had to go on with her life. She was stunned to realize how much she loved Simon, and how empty her life was without him. It felt like a wasteland, and she tried to put up a good
front for Salima, but she couldn’t even do that anymore. She was exhausted, and all she did was sleep when she went home, which she knew was a sign of depression too. She had all the symptoms, and it didn’t take a doctor to figure out why. She was sad about Simon, but she insisted to Mark in the office and herself she’d get over it. She had no other choice. He belonged to someone else. And she was an adult. She had to live through it. But she was concerned about the trip to Morocco too. She didn’t know how she was going to do it, the flu was hanging on, and she thought maybe vitamins would help. She didn’t think she needed antidepressants, just time. She’d been through it with Andrew. But somehow this felt worse. Because this time she had lost a good man, a great one, not a bad one who had lied to her.

She dragged herself to the doctor on Tuesday afternoon. She was leaving for Morocco that weekend.

Her doctor pointed out that he hadn’t seen her for a year, which he thought was a good sign. “How’ve you been?” He was a pleasant man in his fifties, whom she only called on rare occasions, or for insurance exams for the network when she renewed her contract every few years.

“Fine.” She was not going to confess to him that she was suffering from a broken romance, only that she was working too hard and was tired.

“Anything I should know about?”

“I’m exhausted,” she said honestly, “and I’ve had the flu off and on for the last month. I’m leaving for Morocco this weekend, and I thought I should check in before I left.” He had a feeling that she wouldn’t have done so unless she felt really bad. He told her there
were a lot of bad flus around, and she might have picked up some bug on a trip, or a plane. She told him she had been in the Middle East several times recently, but was always careful what she ate and drank bottled water. But she admitted that her stomach was a mess.

“Have you lost weight?”

“Probably a few pounds.” It was more like ten, but she didn’t tell him. She knew why. She wasn’t eating. She had had no appetite since Simon left.

The doctor checked her blood pressure and told her it was low, but not dangerously so. “That could be from the flu,” he reassured her. “You don’t need medication for it. I’m going to check you for anemia too. That could account for how you’re feeling. Anything else I should know?”

“Nothing I can think of.” Just Simon, she thought but didn’t say. She felt stupid knowing that by now he was with Megan, probably happy, and she was pining for him and wasting away. She told herself she had to get a grip.

“Are you sexually active?” He went down a list of standard questions.

“Not at the moment. I was.”

“How recently?” His pen was poised over the paper to write her answer as she thought about it.

“A month ago. I just ended a relationship a few weeks ago.” But she didn’t tell him how heartbroken she was. It was none of his business.

“Could you be pregnant?”

“Hardly, at my age. I think I’m a little too old to get pregnant, without technical help,” she said, and he nodded. It was true. But
accidents did happen, even at her age. She wasn’t that old. Forty-seven wasn’t entirely out of the realm of the possible, even if unlikely, as she said, “We used protection.” They hadn’t the first time, but it had been their only slip, and after that they’d been careful. Simon had thought they should be, for her sake, although she wasn’t worried about it with him.

“Condoms?” She nodded. “You’re not on the Pill?” She shook her head, although she knew there were accidents with that too. But she’d never had a mistake of that kind in her life, except for Salima. She had always been careful and was responsible about it, and Simon had been too, even though she thought it unlikely she’d get pregnant. They hadn’t taken the chance.

“I don’t think that’s it,” she said firmly.

“Probably not. But it doesn’t hurt to check. I’ll run some hormone levels on you. Your estrogen may be low. This could be the beginning of menopause.” That sounded even more depressing, and she said her periods were still regular, except less so since the shock of his leaving, and her depression, and she’d been sick.

“I think I’m anemic, or just run-down.”

“You look fine,” he said after he examined her. “And I’ll have the results of the bloodwork tomorrow. Give me a call.” She left his office a few minutes later and went home. But she felt no better that night and went straight to bed. Salima came in to see her after dinner.

“I’m sorry I’m such a bore at the moment. I can’t seem to shake this flu. How was dinner?” Blaise asked her in a lifeless tone.

“Okay. Nothing fabulous. I’m trying to teach her to make pasta like Simon, and soufflé. She’s not much of a cook.” Salima had
learned a lot from him and was trying to direct Becky. She had all his recipes written down in Braille and a Braille cookbook he had given her.

“Soufflé may be asking a lot.” Blaise grinned. Simon had real talent in the kitchen, not just recipes. They talked for a little while, and then Salima went back to her room to chat with her friends on Facebook, and Blaise went to sleep. She woke up on schedule at four
A.M.
the next day and felt like death again. She was beginning to get worried and wondered what the doctor would say. Maybe he was right and she had picked up some nasty virus on a plane, or in a foreign country. She felt like she was dying, or at the very least seriously ill. She began thinking about leukemia or lupus.

But in spite of how she felt, she did an excellent segment about the Middle East that morning. And the makeup artist thought she looked pretty, although she felt disconnected and dull, and the only time she seemed like herself now was on the air. She felt like an old well-trained horse who only came alive when she worked.

And she was so busy that afternoon that she forgot to call the doctor. It completely slipped her mind. And at five o’clock, after he saw his last patient, he called her.

“Well, I think we’re getting there. You’re definitely anemic. I’m going to prescribe some iron for you, Blaise. And I think you may have picked up a virus on a trip. There’s not much we can do about it, a virus won’t respond to antibiotics, so you’ll just have to wait it out. You’ll probably feel better in another week. Most viruses don’t last much longer than that, and you said you’ve been feeling rotten for about a month.” It had been that long. She had felt fluish the week he left, and totally awful for the three weeks since. She
was relieved by what the doctor said, at least it wasn’t something really awful. She had to be able to do her job. Salima depended on her.

“Thank you, doctor,” she said, sounding more relaxed. She’d been slightly worried about the tests. At least he had a reason why she felt sick. Anemia and a virus.

“And there’s one other thing,” he continued as her heart skipped a beat. What if it was something terrible after all and he had saved it for last?

“Serious?”

“That depends on how you feel about it. You’re pregnant.” He said it, and Blaise stared at her office wall, trying to comprehend what he had said.

“I am?” She couldn’t believe it.

“Yes, your HCG levels are quite high, which is a good sign if you want to keep it. From the dates you gave me for your last normal period, you’re ten weeks the way we figure it, eight from the date of conception, which must have been in early January. You’re two months pregnant. And if that’s not what you want, then you’ll have to do something about it in the next month.” He said it matter-of-factly. Blaise felt like the air had been sucked out of her lungs. What in hell was she going to do? “You should call your gynecologist for a visit soon. She’ll want to get an early sonogram, but apparently you haven’t had any problems.” And as he said it, Blaise realized that she had missed a period in January, right at the time Simon left, and she thought it was because she was upset and not eating. And she had just missed one again. She had paid no attention. “You should be able to hear a heartbeat by now when you see
your doctor.” Oh my God. She almost threw up. No wonder her stomach had been so upset. She was panicked as she thanked the doctor, hung up, picked up her bag and coat, and started to leave the office, as Mark looked up from his desk.

“What did the doctor say?” He hadn’t had time to ask her since the day before, and he looked concerned.

“I’m anemic, and I picked up some kind of virus on one of my trips.” There was no way she was going to tell him that she was two months pregnant. She was not going to have another baby, especially now, with Simon back with Megan. It was unthinkable. His silence confirmed that he’d gone back to her and stayed. She hadn’t even wanted a baby while he was with her.

“Well, at least you know what’s wrong. Your doctor faxed over a prescription, by the way. I’ll fill it for you tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” she said, and flew out the door. She wanted to run away from everyone, but where could she go?

Much to her relief, there was no one in the apartment when she got home. She had forgotten that Salima was going to a Mozart concert at Carnegie Hall with Lucianna, and they had taken Becky with them. Salima wanted to expose her to the cultural events she knew nothing about and had never experienced before. Becky was starting to really enjoy New York, and although she wasn’t Simon, Salima liked her. She was an honest, decent, kind girl, wanted to learn, and tried hard. And Blaise agreed.

When Blaise walked into her room, she stared out the window at Central Park. There was still snow on the ground, and she tried to keep from calculating seven months forward to when this baby would be born. It was due the first of October. She didn’t want to
give it a birthday. She didn’t want it at all. She thought of calling Simon, but that seemed so wrong. She was sure he was back with Megan. His silence since he’d left confirmed it to her, and she’d been very firm about letting him go and not trying to hang on to him. And even if she was having his baby, she didn’t want to use it to lure him back to her. He needed to be with someone his own age. But this was a disaster for her. The last thing she wanted was to have a baby alone at her age. It had been hard enough with Harry, who was never there and an uninterested father, although his real lack of interest had only happened when Salima got sick. Before that, he’d been sweet with her, when he was home, which wasn’t often. And Blaise had traveled just as much as he did, and now she traveled more. There was no room for a baby in her life. And what would Salima think? And the network. A thousand things were racing through her mind as she lay down on her bed and started to cry. And then she told herself that there was nothing to be scared of. She would have an abortion, and no one would ever know. But what about Simon? Didn’t he have a right to know? Her mind was whirling, as she lay in tears on the bed, utterly exhausted and overwrought, and fell asleep.

Blaise told no one what she had discovered, and didn’t intend to. The only one she would have told was Simon, and that was out of the question. Blaise was sure that if he hadn’t gotten involved with Megan again, or had broken up with her, he would have called her. Simon had said he loved her when he left, but by now everything could have changed. He was young and had been very confused. But his total silence for the last weeks confirmed to Blaise that he was out of her life for good. And now she had a decision of her own to make.

At first, it seemed so simple. There was no room for a baby in her life. She was too busy. She had a daughter who needed her full attention and help when she wasn’t working. She traveled all the time. She had no one to lean on, or take care of this baby if something happened to her. And most of all, she felt she was too old. But apparently, God didn’t think so if she had gotten pregnant. Or was it just an accident of fate? A cruel joke life had played on her? She was forty-seven years old, pregnant, and alone. What the hell was she going to do? She didn’t even know why she kept asking herself
that question. She knew what she was going to do. So why did she keep asking herself? she wondered. And all she could think of was how sad Simon would be if he knew what she was going to do. She felt as though she was stealing this baby from him. But he was out of her life, with Megan. Of that she was sure. It canceled his rights to her body, her life, and their child. Or did it?

Blaise was still torturing herself over it when she left for Morocco. And if she hadn’t felt so tired and queasy, it would have been a fabulous trip. King Mohammed VI and his wife, Princess Lalla Salma, were a charming couple. They did everything possible to honor and entertain her. The princess was a huge fan and showed Blaise all over Rabat. They had beautiful children, and the palace was incredible. She stayed at the Latour Hassan Hotel and had dinner at the palace every night. And the taping they did in the desert with thirty of his fabulous cars, and the king driving at full speed, and even driving Blaise in one of his Aston Martins, was a segment she knew all their male viewers would love. And the tour of the palace with the queen was spectacular and magical as well. Blaise thought it was one of the best shows she had done in a long time, and her crew agreed with her. The only problem she had was that she felt sick a lot of the time, but she overrode it with determination and will power. She was a pro, and managed to get everything done. She remembered now that she had been just as sick and worked just as hard before Salima was born. For Blaise, work always came first, and she had even more reason to stick to her routine this time. She was not about to jeopardize her job.

She went to Marrakech for a few days on the way home, to relax, and stayed at the newly redone Hotel Mamounia. And she spent
a day in Paris, and a night at the Ritz. It was the first break she’d taken in a while, and she strolled through the Place Vendôme and down the rue de la Paix, thinking of the decision she had to make when she went home. She kept telling herself she still had time, but not much. She wished that she could talk to Simon, but she knew that that would be wrong. She had no hold on him now, nor should she. She had had no word from him, nor any contact since he left. She had encouraged him to go back to his own life and find out how he felt about Megan, and that was what he had done. She had no right to reach out to him now, if he had shown no desire to contact her. He had a right to his freedom, and she had to deal with this on her own.