A Perfect Life: A Novel (25 page)

“Are you sick?” Salima put a hand on his forehead to check for fever, and he grinned. He had just hailed a taxi for them, but usually they took the bus or subway. They were going to Zabar’s to pick up food he needed for dinner. If nothing else, he thought he could feed them decently until he left. Blaise was no longer willing to let him do much more than that, except take care of Salima. Blaise had skipped dinner and gone straight to her room the night before, claiming she had a headache. But Simon knew better. Her heart was aching, not her head, and he felt guilty for it. He had been honest with her about how confused he was, after Megan finally came through after all this time, claiming she had done it for him. She made a major point of telling him she had left her husband for him, and he couldn’t abandon her now. He had to at least give her a chance. He felt he had no other choice. He wanted to be fair to both women, and himself, but inevitably, one of them was going to get hurt, or maybe they all would.

“I’m fine. I was just thinking about Caldwell,” he said, which was partially true, but he’d really been thinking about Megan. “I’m going to have to go back soon,” he tried to warn her, without letting the cat out of the bag, that he’d be leaving on Sunday. He thought Blaise was wrong not to tell her sooner. She wanted to find his replacement first, and then she would drop the bomb.

“I want you to stay here with us. Who cares about your contract?” Salima said, pouting.

“The board of trustees,” he said with a rueful grin as they got out
at Zabar’s, the West Side delicatessen and delicacy shop he had discovered when he first got to New York. He went there often to buy the things they liked, and Salima liked going with him. She loved the hearty food smells of the shop. “Even if I decide not to renew my contract, I have to finish out the school year.” He already had applications to the two best schools for the blind in New York sitting on his desk, and planned to complete both before he left. He’d already sent one back to the Perkins School in Massachusetts. “You’ve got to finish what you start in life,” he said cryptically to Salima, as he selected two of Blaise’s favorite cheeses and asked for a thick slab of foie gras. But he didn’t think that foie gras was going to soothe Blaise’s aching heart, or his own. He hated to leave her, but he knew that if he turned his back on Megan now, he would always wonder what might have happened. He had waited for her to leave her husband for so long. Blaise was a much more exciting woman and a better person, but Megan was the kind of girl he’d always thought he’d wanted. And now she said she wanted a baby with him. Just one, since she already had three, but she was suggesting they get married as soon as her divorce came through, and get pregnant as soon as possible. He knew that the life he’d have with her would be completely different from the one he’d shared with Blaise. He loved his life with Blaise, but was still unsure what he could contribute to it, and felt inadequate and overwhelmed at times.

He had never expected someone like Blaise to come along. She was a star and such a huge success. What could he give her? That had haunted him since the beginning. She claimed that all she
wanted from him was love, but he wanted to give her more, and he couldn’t. Materially, he had nothing to offer, no matter how fancy his mother’s family was. Some of that would be his one day, but for now he had nothing. He was an underpaid teacher, and their relationship was still so new. It was hard to commit his future to a woman he had known and loved for three months. With Megan, it had been three years, albeit disappointing ones. But now that she’d left her husband, it would be different. Or at least he hoped so, and they wouldn’t have to meet in cheap motels. But when he thought of Blaise and how much he loved her, he was totally confused. Each woman offered him a different life and world. His head was spinning.

“I think you’re sick,” Salima said as they wandered aimlessly through Zabar’s among the pungent smells, and Simon kept forgetting what he needed. He wanted truffle oil for Blaise’s favorite pizza, if she’d eat it. His cooking for her was an expression of his love too. And it seemed like the least he could do.

When they got back to the apartment, Blaise was home from work, in her office, working on her computer. She had come home early. For once all was peaceful at the network, now that Susie had left, but her personal life was a disaster. She glanced up as Simon walked into the room and set a cup of French vanilla tea down on her desk. She smiled as she thanked him, but the atmosphere between them now was cool, and the look in Blaise’s eyes said “don’t come near me.” A door had already closed, and Blaise was trying hard to lock it and throw away the key. He hadn’t touched her since Eric’s call two days before, and didn’t dare approach her. Once wounded and chilly, Blaise was suddenly intimidating.

“Thank you,” she said formally, as he looked at her with sad eyes.

“I’m sorry, Blaise.” It was all he could think of to say, and he meant it.

“Me too. Don’t worry about it. You’ll feel better when you’re back in Massachusetts.” She didn’t add “with Megan,” but the words were written on her face.

“That’s not a sure thing,” he reminded her. She looked as though for her it was over, but for him it wasn’t. “I just need to answer some questions, and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.” The way he said it reminded her again of how young he was. At her age, she had been on a path for years, but he was still looking for the right one. It was a vast difference between them, and also was a reminder to her that sometimes love was not enough.

Simon knew he needed more, he needed a job that inspired him, a career he felt passionate about, and a woman to share it with him. He didn’t want to be Blaise’s boy toy or look like one. His own life had to have substance and meaning, before he could join her. With Megan, he would always be the pathfinder and leader. He knew she didn’t enjoy her work and wanted to stay home with the kids. With Blaise, she would always be the more successful one. In some ways, it didn’t bother him, but if he came back to her, he wanted to do so on solid ground, standing on his own two feet, if she even let him come back, which looking at her now, he strongly doubted. She had put as much distance between them as she could, living in the same apartment, since he had told her about Megan.

“Is something wrong between you and Mom?” Salima asked him that night at dinner. Blaise had skipped dinner again and claimed
she had another headache. “Did you have a fight or something?” Simon hesitated and put another slice of pizza on her plate. It was the one he had made for Blaise, with the truffle oil. He had tried to bring it to her in her bedroom, but her door was locked, and she didn’t answer when he knocked. He texted her, and she didn’t respond. The message was clear. She was suffering in private, while trying to appear “fine” to him. She was anything but.

“I’m worried about her,” Simon said to Salima, not wanting to share with her what was going on. He didn’t know what Blaise was going to tell her, how little or how much. But Salima correctly sensed there was something major going on. She hoped it would blow over soon. Simon wasn’t being much fun, nor was her mother, who was isolated in her room, pretending to be busy.

Eric called Simon that night to tell him he had found a relief teacher they’d used several years before. She had just gotten divorced, had no kids, and was willing to step into Simon’s shoes in New York, temporarily at least. She thought it sounded like fun, and was excited to do it. She was three years younger than Simon, but Eric thought she could handle the job, and Simon knew her and could brief her on what she had to do for Salima.

“How soon can she start?” Blaise asked Eric when he called her after speaking to Simon.

“As soon as you like. Tomorrow if you want. She’s all set to go, if you want her. I think she should spend a day with Simon so he can brief her, but she’s familiar with all our procedures, and she’s a bright girl. She’ll catch on fast.”

“Fine. Then have her come down tomorrow,” Blaise said in a strained voice. “Simon can come back to you the day after. I’m sure
you’re anxious to have him at school.” He had told her that the students were returning Sunday. A few had dropped out or made other arrangements, like Salima, but most were coming back to Caldwell. He was very sorry that Salima was not returning after so many years, but he understood. And it was good for her to be at home.

“I’m glad it worked out so well with Simon. I was sure it would, once everyone adjusted. I think Rebecca will work out well for you too.” They discussed the financial arrangements. She was going to work directly for Blaise, since Salima was not returning to Caldwell. She was giving up the cottage on the grounds too. Eric had found Rebecca for Blaise as a favor, so as not to leave her in the lurch when Simon left. He knew how busy Blaise was, and that she needed someone with Salima at all times, particularly when she traveled. She had told him she was going to Lebanon the following week and Morocco in a month. But there was no way she could go to Lebanon now and leave Salima with a new person.

Eric agreed to have Becky at the apartment at noon the next day. She would come to the city by bus in the morning and take a cab to the apartment. As soon as Blaise hung up, Simon called her. It was the only way to reach her. She was holed up in her room with the door locked. She had been crying before Eric called her, and didn’t want Simon to see her. The situation was miserable enough without his feeling sorry for her on top of it. She didn’t want to look pathetic to him, and hadn’t felt this vulnerable in years. Not since Andrew. And the irony was that she had finally trusted someone and opened up, and now he was leaving too, for another woman. It wasn’t quite as simple as that, but it felt that way to her.

“You talked to Eric?” Simon asked her when she answered her cell phone. He hadn’t even been sure she would do that, since she hadn’t answered his texts. “I know Becky, and she’s pretty good. I think she and Salima should get along. Don’t let Becky baby her, though. I’d hate to see Salima lose all the ground she’s gained.” But he doubted that would happen now. Salima had become her own person in a mere three months.

“You could stay and do the job yourself,” Blaise said sadly. In her heart of hearts, she was hoping he would change his mind and stay, she wished he could, but she knew it was out of the question. He had a contract to fulfill, and he was a responsible person. And he had a woman he felt he had to go back to, in fairness to all three of them. That was the part Blaise hated. She could sense that she’d already lost him, and knew how it would turn out. She honestly believed Megan was the woman he should be with, and that she wasn’t. His relationship with Blaise had been a long shot, given their age difference, and she had lost. She had taken her chips off the table, and gone home. Now all she wanted was for him to leave as soon as possible, and end the torture of their situation as quickly as they could. She didn’t want him to linger. It was too painful knowing he was right there, and no longer hers. He was already Megan’s, and now she realized he always had been. She had won him back by leaving her husband.

“I wish I could stay,” Simon said, and meant it. But he had to go back and face reality on all fronts, at work, and with Megan. “I’m sorry, Blaise,” he said, wanting to hold her in his arms again and sleep with her before he left, and make love together. But he was too respectful to do so. He knew how much he was hurting her, and
he loved her too much to make it worse. He wished he could have them both. It was an age-old dilemma, and she’d been there before.

“I’m sorry too,” she said, as tears filled her eyes, and he could hear it in her voice. “That’s life, I guess. Things don’t always work out. It’ll be better for you this way.” She had already given him up in her mind. And he knew she was thinking about children for him again. “And your mom will be happy. She won’t have to worry about how old I am.”

“That never mattered to me, your age, or my mom.” She knew that was true. But Megan still had a hold on him that he hadn’t freed himself of yet, and maybe never would. He had no idea now which woman was right for him, Meg or Blaise. And Blaise had taken herself out of the running, out of pride and self-preservation, if nothing else.

“When are you leaving?” she asked in a choked voice.

“Tomorrow.” He had just finished packing when he called her. “Tomorrow night, if Becky seems okay to you.”

“I don’t have any other choice. Eric says he doesn’t know anyone else.”

“She’ll be okay.” But he wasn’t as sure that Blaise would be, which worried him. She was taking his leaving very hard. “I’ll stay in touch with Salima,” he promised. “We can text each other on her voice-texting phone, or she can call me. And you can call me whenever you want.” He hoped she would, but he had the feeling she wouldn’t, and he was right. She knew she had to let him go now to lead his life and find his path, with the woman he wanted. She wished it had been her. She was certain he would stay with Megan. He had invested too much time in her not to.

After they hung up, it was strange knowing that she was in the apartment with him, and not together. Her bed was so empty now. He might as well have been back at Caldwell. He had already left her life, and she was setting him free, because she loved him. All that remained now were the last agonizing details. She lay awake for hours that night, thinking about him. And in his room, Simon was thinking about her too. He had never felt worse in his life. He missed her acutely, even before he left, and he cried himself to sleep that night, as Blaise lay silent and awake in the moonlight in her room. They were worlds apart.

Blaise ran into Simon in the kitchen the next morning when she went to get a cup of coffee. He handed it to her out of habit. She suddenly felt a thousand years old, and assumed she probably looked it, and no longer cared. Simon hated to see her so miserable but didn’t tell her how beautiful she looked or how much he loved her. And Salima came in seeming depressed while they were talking. Her mother had told her the night before that Simon was going back to Caldwell, and a new girl was replacing him, and Salima had cried when she told her. But she was relieved that her mother was letting her stay home instead of going to Caldwell. But she was heartbroken to be losing Simon from her daily life. Salima went to see him in his room after her mother told her.