A Mother's Courage (40 page)

'No, don't say that. You have established a
rapport with her which no one else has been able
to do. She is fond of you, and the poor child has
had little enough affection in her short life. I try, I
do try, Eloise, but every time I look at her I catch a
glimpse of Rosamund and I relive that past
betrayal. I do my best to conceal my feelings from
Maria, and I get round it by spoiling her. I know I
am not a good father, but I am genuinely fond of
her. I care deeply for her and I do my best.'

'I know you do, Barton,' Eloise said softly.
'And she loves you, I know she does.'

'But you do not – love me?'

Eloise hardened her heart. It would be so easy
to tell him that she returned his love tenfold, but
she dreaded seeing the hurt and disappointment
in his eyes when he learned the truth about her.
She knew that she ought to walk away now, but
she could not leave him. If she stayed it would be
a mixture of heaven and hell, but she would
rather be miserable with him than without him.
She chose her words carefully. 'My husband is
not long dead. My heart is not given easily.'

To her astonishment, Caine lifted her hand to
his lips and brushed it with a kiss.

'I respect you all the more for that, Eloise. I'm
begging you to stay on, if only for Maria's sake.'

'I will,' Eloise murmured. 'I will stay as long as
she needs me.'

'I can't ask more than that, my dear. I promise I
won't say or do anything to make you feel
uncomfortable, but may I suggest that you move
into Miss Trinder's old room, which is next to
Maria's? You would be so much more comfortable
living here and it would make Maria happy.'

Becky and Tibbie's warning came forcibly to
mind. She did not really believe that Caine
would try to force himself upon her, but she was
no longer the innocent and trusting girl she had
once been. She snatched her hand away. 'No,
thank you, that wouldn't be right. Miss
Marchant would not approve and I still have
duties in the nursery. I think we will do better to
continue as we are.'

He walked away and she could not see his face.
He went over to his desk to pick up a sheaf of
papers and when he spoke his tone was noncommittal.
'Very well, whatever suits you best.
Now, I really must get to that meeting or they
will think I am not coming.' As Caine walked
past her, he paused to touch her cheek with the
tips of his fingers. 'I will never speak of this
again, but if you should change your mind . . .'

She was drowning in the depths of his eyes.
The temptation to give way to her emotions was
so strong that Eloise felt herself swaying towards
him. To feel his arms around her and his lips on
hers would be her idea of pure heaven, but she
stopped herself just in time and she moved away
from him. 'You'd best hurry, or you will be very
late for your appointment.'

'I just want you to know that you look ten
times lovelier in that gown than Rosamund ever
did. Please don't wear it again.' He left the room
and the door swung shut, leaving Eloise staring
at the wooden panels with her emotions so raw
that she wanted to scream.

At first she thought it was going to be impossible
to carry on as before. Caine's admission of his
love for her had shaken her to the core. Her
instinctive response to him had made it
agonisingly hard not to give way to her feelings,
but Joss and Beth must always come first. No
matter how much she loved Barton Caine, she
could never enter into a relationship with him if
he did not accept her children. It was a heartbreaking
decision, but after their last meeting
Eloise tried to distance herself from him, and she
spent every minute that she could in the nursery.

Now that Joss had regained his voice and his
memory, it was increasingly hard to keep up the
pretence that they were unrelated, and Phoebe
was growing more suspicious every day. It had
been particularly difficult on Beth's first birthday.
Eloise had bought her a wooden doll with
shiny black painted hair and rosy cheeks. She
had smuggled it into the nursery under her
apron and it had been a joy to see Beth's eyes
light up as she clutched the doll in her chubby
starfish fingers, but then Phoebe had demanded
to know why Eloise had singled her out for a
present, and she had pretended that a well-wisher
had donated the gift. Beth was the only
girl child big enough to appreciate a dolly, Eloise
had said hastily. The boys would simply tear it to
pieces. A tricky moment had passed, helped by
the arrival of Matron on her ward round which
had diverted Phoebe's attention.

At night in her narrow bed in the attic room,
Eloise mulled over the possibility of confiding in
Phoebe, but if she did that she might as well
write it on the blackboard in the schoolroom for
everyone to see. Phoebe was a notorious gossip,
and although listening to her tittle-tattle made
for an entertaining break in the daily routine,
Eloise did not want to become the main topic of
discussion amongst the staff in the Foundling
Hospital.

As the days passed and October gave way to a
cold and foggy November, Eloise found it harder
than ever to leave her children, and the feelings
of guilt that she experienced were as sharp as any
of the pains she had suffered in giving birth to
them. Her yearning to be with Caine, even if it
was just for a few minutes each day, was a torment
in itself, but added to the constant fear of
her deception being discovered, she felt as
though she was being torn apart. Maria had
grown dependent upon her and demanded more
and more of her attention, making it difficult for
Eloise to spend as much time as she would like
with Joss and Beth.

Normally on a Sunday Eloise would spend the
afternoon in the nursery, enabling her to be alone
with her children and allowing Phoebe the
opportunity of passing some time at home, but
on this particular day Eloise had been invited for
tea at the governor's house at Maria's special
request. Once again, she felt as though she was
being pulled both ways. One part of her was
locked in the nursery with her babies while her
other self was desperate to spend a few precious
moments with Barton. Since the fateful day when
he had declared his love for her, their relationship
had been fragile. They had not been alone
together since that time, and, although Eloise
had never sought Caine's company, she was
always intensely aware of his presence. Sometimes,
when he was near, she felt that her heart
was beating to the same rhythm as his, and she
always knew if his eyes were upon her. She had
only to turn her head and meet his gaze to know
that she was as much in his thoughts as he was in
hers. It was agony and it was ecstasy but she
knew that it could not go on forever. One day
their feelings would bubble to the surface like
molten larva, and there would be nothing that
either of them could do to prevent the inevitable
eruption of suppressed emotions.

When it was time for her to leave the nursery,
Eloise gave Beth a last kiss and a cuddle. She had
already explained to Joss that she would have to
leave them for a while, and since he was busy
playing with William she chose that moment to
slip away. But as she closed the door, she heard
Joss's voice raised in protest. He was screaming
for his mama and she could hear his small feet
drumming on the bare floorboards. If his attention
was not diverted, he would soon be in the
throes of another tantrum, but Eloise had to close
her ears to his screams. She was tempted to send
word to Barton excusing herself from joining
them for tea, but he would demand to know the
reason for her absence, and that would be
difficult to explain. Eloise hurried on, covering
her ears with her hands. She could only hope and
pray that Phoebe would be kind and understanding
to a deeply distressed small boy.
Outside, the hospital was shrouded in fog which
was rapidly turning yellow; a sure sign that by
dusk it would have developed into a choking
pea-souper. The damp, swirling mist wrapped
itself around her and she could barely make out
the edges of the path, but she knew the route to
the governor's house blindfold and she
quickened her step. Sounds were muted by the
fog, but suddenly a small figure loomed in front
of Eloise and they almost collided.

'Oh, Ellen, it's you!' Annie flung her arms
around Eloise's neck and began to sob hysterically.

'You gave me such a fright,' Eloise gasped. As
she put her arm around Annie's shoulders she
realised that she had neither coat nor shawl and
the back of her dress was wet and torn. Eloise
withdrew her hand and was horrified to see
blood on her fingers. 'Annie, what happened?
Who did this to you?'

'It was her, the old cow,' Annie sobbed. 'She
beat me black and blue for breaking a plate. It
were an accident. I never meant to drop it, but
she took a cane and thrashed me until I was sick.
I've runned away and I'm never going back
there. Never!'

Eloise took off her own shawl and wrapped it
round Annie's thin shoulders. 'We must get you
indoors and see to those cuts on your back. That
woman has gone too far this time.'

'I ain't going back,' Annie cried, clinging
desperately to Eloise. 'Maybe they'll take me in
here, just until me mum comes for me.'

'The first thing is to get you inside and out of
the cold,' Eloise said, thinking quickly. She dared
not take Annie to Matron, who would probably
send her straight to the workhouse since she was
too old to remain in the Foundling Hospital.
'We'll go to Mr Caine's house.' She took Annie
by the hand, and they made their way through
the fog to the tradesmen's entrance of the
governor's house. Eloise hoped to smuggle
Annie into the kitchen and rely on Mrs Dean's
kind heart and discretion. If Barton knew of
Annie's fate he would have to act responsibly
and possibly return her to her employer. That,
Eloise decided, must not happen. Queenie King
was a monster in tight stays, quite unfit to run a
bordello, let alone a lodging house.

In the kitchen, Mrs Dean was just putting the
finishing touches to an iced cake and Jessie was
licking out the mixing bowl with evident relish.
They both stared at Annie as if she were a stray
dog that Eloise had found roaming the streets.

'What's all this?' Mrs Dean demanded.

'This is Annie,' Eloise said, pushing her gently
onto the seat of a chair. 'She is a friend of mine
who has been badly used by her employer.'
Eloise peeled her shawl off Annie's shoulders to
reveal the wheals, cuts and bruises on her
exposed back.

Mrs Dean winced and Jessie put the bowl
down, wiping her mouth on the back of her
hand. 'Blimey, she ain't half took a bashing. Her
back looks like raw beefsteak.'

'Hush, Jessie,' Mrs Dean said, frowning. 'Fetch
some clean linen and a bowl of warm water.'

Annie shivered, looking from one to the other.
'I'll be all right, missis. Me mum will come for me
directly.'

Mrs Dean met Eloise's eyes with a questioning
look, and Eloise shook her head. She patted
Annie on an uninjured part of her shoulder. 'You
won't want your mum to see you looking like
you've been in a fight with Tom Cribb, now
would you, Annie?'

Annie grinned and shook her head. 'Dunno
who Tom Cribb is, but I wouldn't want to
frighten her off, not after all this time. I must be
twelve soon, although I dunno when me birthday
is. Ma forgot to put it on the label she tied
round me wrist when she left me on the
doorstep.'

Mrs Dean clicked her tongue against her teeth
and raised her eyes to heaven. 'Dear Lord, what
are we coming to?'

Jessie came in from the scullery carrying some
rags and she poured water from the kettle into a
bowl, which she placed on the table in front of
Eloise. 'Poor little soul,' she murmured. 'She
looks done in.'

'Oy!' Annie cried, bristling. 'Less of your lip,
you. I bet I'm the same age as you, or even older,
so don't give me none of your sauce.'

Eloise dipped a rag in the water, and having
wrung it out she started to bathe Annie's back.
She had to grit her teeth in order to touch the
damaged flesh and she bit back an angry tirade
against Queenie King for inflicting such injuries
on a mere child, but Annie bore it all bravely,
stifling her groans by stuffing her hand in her
mouth. Just as Eloise was finishing, one of the
bells from above stairs jingled on its spring.

Mrs Dean glanced up at the board. 'It's the
master. Go and see what he wants, Jessie.'

Eloise wiped her hands on her apron. 'No, it's
all right, Jessie. I'll go. He's expecting me anyway
and so is Maria.'

Caine looked up as Eloise entered the
drawing room and her heart did a bunny hop
inside her breast at the smile of genuine delight
on his face. He rose to his feet but Maria
forestalled him by leaping up from a footstool
by the fire and running to Eloise to give her a
hug. 'I thought you weren't coming, Ellen,' she
said, taking her by the hand. 'Papa was going to
come looking for you. We thought you might be
lost in the fog.'

'For heaven's sake, give Miss Monk a chance to
catch her breath.' Caine ruffled Maria's hair, but
his gaze was fixed on Eloise's face and there was
an unspoken question in his eyes.

'I'm sorry I'm late,' Eloise said, smiling and
hoping that Caine could not hear the frantic
beating of her heart, and that he would assume
her breathlessness was due to exertion. 'I came
across a young girl in distress and I took her to
the kitchen where I knew Mrs Dean would look
after her.'

'She ought to be taken straight to Matron,'
Caine said dismissively. 'I'll send her over with
Jessie.'

'No!' Eloise laid her hand on his sleeve. 'No,
sir. You don't understand.'

'Don't I?' He covered her hand with his. 'What
don't I understand, Eloise?'