A Moment of Weakness (39 page)

“What?” Adrenaline raced through her veins. He must have learned something about the hearing.… She was going to lose custody of Ty after all. She pulled back. “What’s wrong? Why’re you here?”

Tanner sighed, and Jade thought he looked haggard. Dark
circles stood out underneath his eyes. “My mother had a heart attack.”

Her insides knotted up. “Is she okay?”

“She’s in bad shape, but that’s not why I’m here.” Jade watched his eyes fill with regret. “We talked this morning. She had something God wanted her to tell me.”

Pulling away from him, Jade moved into the living room, tucking herself in the corner of her sofa, her legs pulled up to her chin.
Doris wouldn’t have told him about Ty. Certainly not
. So why was her heart pounding so fiercely? “What … what did she say?”

Tanner followed and knelt before her, his face level with hers. “She told me you were pregnant when you came to her.…” His eyes filled with tears. “Is it true, Jade? Is Ty …?”

Jade hung her head. She could not lie any longer. Whatever came from this they would have to deal with. Right now he deserved the truth. “Yes.”

Tanner held her with his eyes. “He’s my son?”

Jade lifted her head and met his gaze. He looked like he’d been shot through the heart.
Oh, Lord, how could I have hurt him like this? What kind of woman am I?
“Yes, Tanner. He’s your son.”

Very slowly, as if he’d been mortally wounded and was still fighting the final fall, Tanner bent over his knees and settled in a heap on the floor. His first sob was more of an animal cry, the wail of a tortured beast. There were more that followed, and Jade felt her heart breaking as she watched the man she had always loved grieve for the son he’d never known.

The world was spinning, and Tanner could do nothing to stop it. He had spent the past ten years searching for Jade, thinking of her, wanting her. Wondering how she could marry someone
just three weeks after he left town. And now he knew. She’d been pregnant with his child. And when she’d come for help, his mother.

Deep, consuming regret covered him like six feet of cemetery dirt, and he was unable to lift his head.

My God, how could I have been so blind? I’m a father … a father to a boy who doesn’t even know me
. He thought of Ty and his heart ached with the weight of this new reality. Had he really thought Jade could lie in the arms of another man so quickly after his departure? If only he’d found her back then.… The weight of the lost years was more than he could bear.
Help me, God. I’m dying here, I’m—

“No! It can’t be.…” His mother’s lies had cost him a relationship with his own son.

He was overcome, and he was suddenly aware of Jade moving. Her arms circled around him from behind, and she lay her head on his upper back. She began stroking his arms, and he could feel her shaking.
She’s crying, too. We’ve both lost so much, God.… How can we go forward after this?

Finally she spoke, and her voice was a choked whisper. “Tanner … I’m so sorry.”

He sat up and pulled Jade to him in an embrace that spoke everything they were too devastated to say. They stayed that way a long time, and when he could finally speak, he pulled back and studied her expression. What he saw there was regret as deeply rooted as his own. He took her hands in his. “Why, Jade? Why didn’t you tell me?”

His pain was so deep and raw she had to look away. “I promised your mother I wouldn’t tell anyone. Not even you.”

Tanner’s face twisted and he set his jaw. Jade wondered if he
was going to cry out again. “I’m his
father.
” Every word pulsed with emotion, and Jade knew much of the blame was hers.
He’ll hate me for the rest of his life for this
. “Didn’t you think I had the right to know?”

“Your mother said you wouldn’t care. She … she showed me the pictures and …”

“And gave you the check?” Jade could see he wasn’t making an accusation, just desperate to understand what had happened that day ten years ago.

“I never touched the money. It’s in a trust fund for Ty.… I was planning to use it to send him to college.”

Tanner looked away, the muscles in his jaw tightening again. She watched as the emotions played across his anguished face: anger, regret, immeasurable sorrow. All the emotions she’d struggled with for so long. He turned toward her once more. “The other night … when we talked. Why didn’t you tell me then?”

“Your mother told me if I ever told anyone, she’d take me to court. She told me with her money she’d win.…” Jade sighed. “I was afraid of her, Tanner.” She glanced at her hands, still wrapped protectively in his. “Besides, it didn’t seem like the right thing for anyone. You have your life; you’ll be married this summer, and soon you’ll have a family of your own.”

Tanner leaned his shoulder into the sofa, and Jade watched him, worried. His jaw was clenched tightly, and he passed a hand over his eyes before looking at her again. “I broke it off with Leslie.”

“What?”
Why had he—

“I didn’t love her, Jade. It would have been wrong to marry her.”

Her head was swimming.… So much had happened in so short a time. “When was this?”

Tanner thought a moment. “What day is it?”

His question broke the tension, and Jade smiled. “Friday night.”

“Then it was yesterday after dinner.”

“When did you find out about your mother?” No wonder Tanner looked beat up. First Leslie, then his mother, and finally the truth about Ty. It was enough to push anyone over the edge.

“Leslie was still at my house. She left and I went to the hospital. I was up all night with my mother, and this morning she came to. That’s when she told me about Ty.”

Jade slipped her arms around Tanner’s neck. She didn’t blame him if he never forgave her, but she owed him an apology. After all they’d been through, all the poor choices and lies and missed opportunities, she needed to speak her mind before another moment passed. “I’m sorry, Tanner. I should have told you first. I.I was afraid of your mother.”

His eyes were still racked with pain, but his expression softened.

“I didn’t want you to think I was trying to ruin your wedding plans.… I was trying to do the right thing for everyone.”

Tanner pulled away and stood up, pacing her living room floor and raking his fingers through his hair. When he stopped, he leaned against the wall and stared at her. As he did, the anger in his eyes was slowly replaced with a love for her that knew no limits. He reached out his arms. “Come here, Jade. Please.…”

She went to him, fitting her body against him, her face inches from his. His voice was a whisper that spoke directly to her soul. “So much has happened between us that I didn’t know what I was feeling for you.…”

Jade felt tears sting at her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head and placed a single finger over her lips.
“It’s over.” He tightened his grip on her waist. “It’s behind us, Jade. Now.” He seemed to be reading her eyes, searching her soul. “I want to meet my son. I want to—”

Jade closed her eyes, and for a moment she couldn’t hear what he was saying.
I can’t believe this is happening
. Tanner was here, he was not marrying someone else, and he wanted to meet Ty. A rush of holy gratitude came over Jade, and she felt the arms of God’s presence as if he were standing in the room beside them. How was it that God had taken everything that was so awful and turned it into this?

For I know the plans I have for you … plans to give you hope and a future.…

Jade opened her eyes and saw that Tanner was staring at her, his eyes filled with compassion and forgiveness. “So … you’re not marrying Leslie?”

Tanner leaned forward and gently kissed Jade’s forehead. “Did you really think I could be with you the other night … kissing you, wanting you … and then go back home and marry someone else?”

“I guess I—”

Again Tanner held his finger to her lips. “Shh. I’m here, Jade. I never stopped loving you, and now—” he paused and his expression grew deeply serious—“say the word and I’ll never, ever leave you again.”

The tears that had been building spilled down Jade’s face, and she allowed herself to get lost in Tanner’s eyes. “Please, Tanner. Don’t ever go away again.”

“Are you sure?”

He had suffered much because of her lack of trust, their weakness that summer. Jade felt the corners of her mouth lift slightly, and she buried her head in his chest. “I’ve been sure since I was a little girl.”

Jade lifted her face to him, and their kiss was long and slow.

“I love you, Jade.…”

She pulled back slightly, and he kissed her chin, her throat. “I love you, Tanner. I never stopped loving you.”

He found her mouth again, and his hands moved along her back, holding her closer still. “Let me go with you tomorrow … so I can meet him?”

Their words were breathless, spoken between kisses that were every bit as spellbinding as they’d been a decade earlier. “Okay.” Jade sat up, looking at Tanner, studying his face … the face so like her son’s.…

“Hey, wait a minute!” Jade’s mind suddenly raced with the possibilities.

Tanner pulled back, his fingers tracing her cheekbones. “What?”

“Let’s call off the whole thing. Get a DNA test and prove Jim isn’t Ty’s father! Then we can be done with it once and for all.”

Tanner’s eyes clouded with concern. “The whole way from Los Angeles to Portland I thought about that, but it’s more complicated than it seems.”

“How come?” The solution seemed simple to Jade.

“First of all, custody is a tricky thing. Jim’s fighting for full custody based on the idea that living with you—a person of strong faith—would be damaging for Ty. If we walk in and present a DNA test, you can be sure everyone involved will be highly suspicious. Second, in many states fatherhood is less a matter of biological factors than it is familiarity. The courts have actually awarded custody to boyfriends on that basis. The question here will be who raised Ty? Who does Ty think of as his father? The answer, obviously, is Jim.”

Jade listened intently. She still didn’t understand why Tanner couldn’t call off the trial now that he knew the truth.

Tanner leaned back into the sofa and stared at the ceiling for a moment before turning his gaze on Jade once more. “It’s pretty clear here that Jim’s not trying to win custody because of some deep love he has for Ty. My guess is that his reason is simple: He wants to make a point. That your faith is dangerous to your child. And if a judge is willing to give Jim complete custody because of your faith, then why wouldn’t my faith be equally problematic? I mean, if you’re a religious fanatic, what does that make me?”

“Worse?” Jade was beginning to understand.

“Much worse. And since I don’t have a relationship with Ty, it would still be very possible for a judge to grant complete custody to Jim. And we can’t have that.”

The hope Jade had felt moments earlier was gone. “No, that would be awful.”

“So I’ve decided to go on with the hearing. I think our best shot is to win custody back based on your religious freedom, your constitutional rights. If that happens, my guess is Jim will bow out fairly easily. Like I said, I don’t think he’s really interested in Ty.”

“I get it. But it seems like we’re playing games. And what if we lose? It could take months or years, and then—”

“Shh.” Tanner cradled her close and stroked her hair, and after a minute he pulled back and kissed her again. “Let me take care of it.”

“Even if we win, you can’t tell anyone the truth, Tanner. Your career would be ruined.”

“I don’t care about my career. Jade, I’ve missed you so much. I can’t believe I’m here. I feel like … like I’m dreaming.”

His being near her made her body feel like it was on fire. She could feel the length of him and knew neither of them would be willing to let go if they didn’t stop soon.

She pulled away first. They’d made this mistake once; she wasn’t going to let it happen again. “You need to sleep, have you thought about that?”

“I need you.…” He reached for her and she took his hand. “Jade, marry me. When this mess is over and everything’s straightened out. Please.”

Her heart soared, and tears burned in her eyes.
Lord, is this what you planned? Is this the future you have for me?

Yes, my daughter. For I know the plans I have for you.…

The Scripture sounded clearly in her mind, and she was overcome by God’s mercy, his faithfulness. She and Tanner had gone against God’s will, and in the wake of that she had chosen to go her own way. But still, through every nightmare in the past ten years, God had been drawing them together.

He was waiting for an answer, and with tears streaming down her face, Jade leaned her head back and laughed. “Yes, Tanner. Yes!”

He caught her by the back of the neck and drew her close once more, kissing her. “Jade, I can’t believe you’re here. Everything that’s happened.…”

Flee, my daughter
.

The warning was painfully familiar, and Jade knew better than not to heed it. She pulled away and made her arms stiff. “Stay back.” Despite her purposefully light tone, clearly Tanner understood.

“You’re right.” He rattled his car keys. “What would you think about giving me directions to the nearest hotel?” He winked at her. “I’ve got an important date tomorrow with a very special little boy, and a little sleep wouldn’t hurt.”

“Motel Six, you mean?” Jade grinned and gave him directions. Suddenly everything in life looked so much brighter. They would get Ty back no matter what. After all, Jim wasn’t
his real father, and Tanner had promised. Whatever it took.

Tanner moved closer to the door and leaned back, his head resting against the frame. “What if he doesn’t like me?” She joined him, and he slipped his arms around her waist.

“He’ll like you.” She brushed a lock of hair off his forehead and leaned her head against his chest. “He already told me so.”

He pulled back a few inches so that their eyes met once more. “He told you that?”

“He said he saw you with me on TV, told me you seemed like a nice guy.”

“Really?” Jade’s heart melted at the concern in Tanner’s eyes. How had she thought she could keep him from his son?