A Memory Away (9 page)
Authors: Taylor Lewis
Tags: #Gay & Lesbian, #Literature & Fiction, #Fiction, #Gay, #Romance, #Contemporary, #Gay Romance, #Genre Fiction, #Romantic Comedy
Jonah
swallowed and tried to keep the angry expression on his face, snarling, “So, what, that makes it okay that he played me and lied to me? You’re taking his side and making excuses for him now?”
Light
ning fast, Lopez’s comforting hand came up and slapped him round the side of his head. “I’m on your side, you asshole, and don’t you forget it. And I am not making excuses for him, okay? I’m giving you reasons. He did something dumb and he’s paying for it. From what his little gal pal told me you knocked him on his ass showing up the way you did and he’s been trying to get back up ever since. He thought he was gonna be alone in this forever and then all of a sudden you’re strutting though his door all ‘Let’s fuck’ eyes and ‘How
you
doin’?’ and, as far as he’s concerned, you don’t even remember him from the last time you got him to drop his pretty panties and, oh yeah, completely changed his life.” She shook her head and said irritably, “Look, I don’t like it any more than you do, but the hag raised some good points. He’s not just looking out for number one here. He’s got the kid to consider and if he fucks up then it’s all on him. There’s no one else to take the shit or the fall. He went out with you to try and see the man behind the asshole and figure out the best way to tell you about the kid.” She raised her eyebrows pointedly. “If you can sit there and tell me you could have thought of a better way to handle the situation then you’re a lot brighter than I ever gave you credit for.” She paused to let that sink in and added, “There was never gonna be a good way to handle this, Jonah. He freaked out and then did the best he could with what he had.”
Jonah
looked at her for a long moment and then scrubbed a weary hand over his eyes. “What a fucking mess.” He slumped in his chair, rubbing harder at his eyes and trying to hide the sudden stinging there. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here.” He thought again of Kyle, shocked, pale and huddled in on himself when he had stormed off and left him, and muttered, “I really fucking went for him. He probably thinks I’m some kind of psycho. No way he’s gonna let me near the kid now.”
“That what you want?” Lopez held up her hands defensively when
Jonah dropped his hand to glower at her. “Hey, I’m just saying. Not like you’ve ever shown any interest in that side of things before and our lives aren’t exactly what your little princess and his buddies got going on.” She shrugged. “From what the girl said they’ve pretty much surrounded the kid with show tunes and a rainbow of ribbons since he was born – we’re more the blood, guts and battered bodies end of the spectrum.” She jerked as thumb at Dex. “Even Randall here. Our lives aren’t exactly what you’d call easy and if you’re gonna lose interest a few months down the line or figure that diapers and little league don’t hold up to the job or tying one on with the boys at the weekend then I figure it’s probably better in the long run if you just cut them loose now. Let him move on and find someone else to step up if that’s what he wants.”
Jonah
found he was listening seriously to Lopez right up until the moment she mentioned someone else coming in and taking responsibility for Kyle and his son. He was brought up short at the sharp pang in his chest when he considered the possibility of someday having his son calling another man daddy. Of that man being able to go to little league games and graduations and do a hundred and one other things that were his by right...and by choice, goddamn it.
He stood up. “Where the hell is my phone?”
~*~*~*~
When the knock came at his door later that night,
Jonah froze for a moment with his heart slamming against his ribs and felt a cold sweat spring out on his body. A few hours’ sleep thankfully not assisted by alcohol, another shower – even more thankfully this time not assisted by Lopez – and a meal of some pasta and crusty bread and he was feeling a lot more human. The call he had placed to Kyle had been brief and uncomfortable on both sides, he could almost smell the trepidation wafting down the line from Kyle’s end. When he had basically demanded a meeting between the two of them he had been surprised when Kyle had insisted on coming to his apartment instead of having Jonah come to him or meeting somewhere neutral. Or in public.
Jonah
was prepared to concede that the thing that surprised him most of all was that Kyle was insistence on them meeting alone considering how their last meeting had gone. In the other man’s shoes he wasn’t sure he would have made the same decision.
Another knock sounded and
Jonah shook himself before crossing to the door and pulling it open to reveal Kyle in the small hallway outside, looking white and tired and clutching the strap of his messenger bag like a lifeline. “Hey.” Jonah nodded at him and then stepped back. “Come in.”
“Thank you.”
Kyle’s voice was soft but steady and he moved past Jonah without meeting his eyes, his shoulders tense under his black leather jacket. He stopped in the centre of the room and looked around uncertainly until Jonah pointed to the armchair under the window indicating he should sit. Kyle looked worriedly back at the door and Jonah realised he had inadvertently chosen the position furthest from the only avenue of escape. If things went badly then Kyle not only had to get across the length of the room but through a man that had already proven he could snap him like kindling if he chose. Kyle gave the door once last look and then tilted his chin up and sat himself down, placing his bag on the floor at his feet and crossing his legs neatly.
“You want a drink?”
Jonah shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and couldn’t quite make himself look at Kyle, unsure how to act after their last meeting. “I got some of that tea in that you like. Well, my friend did a grocery run for me earlier and I got him to pick some up.” He took a step towards the kitchen. “I’ll go put on the water.”
“No, thank you.”
Kyle laced his hands together over his knee and stared at the floor, his artfully cropped hair falling into his eyes. “If you’d just say what you have to say then I’d appreciate it.” He hesitated and then added almost defiantly, “I want to get back to Shea and I don’t like to leave him in the evenings if I can help it.”
“Right.”
Jonah quashed a stab of anger at the carefully blank expression and cool tone of voice. Then he noticed the way Kyle’s knuckles were showing bone white through the taut skin of his hands and the fine trembling in his body and realised that the other man wasn’t indifferent and dismissive of him – he was goddamned scared.
He sat himself down on the end of the couch furthest from
Kyle and said roughly, “I’m not going to do anything to you. I didn’t want a meet to push you around some more.”
Kyle
’s eyes lifted in surprise for a moment and then he dropped then back down to the floor, scowling and with a faint stain of colour on his otherwise chalk white face. “I didn’t imagine for one minute that you would. I doubt even you would be stupid enough to attack me again in your own home when I’ve informed two different people where I am and who to contact if I don’t come home tonight.”
Jonah
really wanted to laugh that comment off but somehow he didn’t think Kyle was kidding. Deep in his gut he felt a stab of guilt and then another of reluctant admiration – it had taken real guts for Kyle to come to him alone if he had even a suspicion Jonah would turn on him again. He shifted uneasily on his seat and tried to think of something to say to start the conversation but nothing came to mind. He shifted again and blurted out the first thing that came into his head. “He really mine?”
Kyle
’s head jerked up again, a look of incredulity on his face, before his mouth twisted bitterly and he muttered, “Score one for Megan.” He bent to tug open the flap of his bag and rummaged inside for a moment before pulling out a small plastic tub and tossed it onto the couch near Jonah. “I swabbed the inside of his cheek with a cotton bud. I’m not really sure if that’s how you’re meant to do it in real life but it seemed fairly consistent with what I’ve seen on C.S.I.”
Jonah
stared blankly down at the plastic vial and picked it up where, on closer inspection, it did indeed hold a cotton bud. “What’s this?”
Kyle
looked at him like he was mentally deficient. “A DNA sample? You wanted proof that he’s yours, yes?” He cast a glance at the vial in Jonah’s hand and then looked away again, his mouth twisting in distaste. “There it is. I’m sure with your connections you can have it tested fairly quickly. If....” He broke off and swallowed hard for a moment before forcing out, “If I haven’t done it correctly then I’m willing to bring him to his paediatrician and have another sample taken there.”
Jonah
continued staring and then delicately put the vial down on the coffee table. “Sorry.”
Kyle
shrugged. “I was expecting it. It’s not like I’ve given you any reason to trust me.” He focused on his hands and asked with a slight tremor to his voice, “When the test proves that...that he’s yours, what do you want from us? Are you....” His mouth worked frantically for a moment before he said thickly, “Are you going to try and take him away from me?”
Wishing profoundly that that he was still drunk for this conversation,
Jonah shook his head and said, “Hell, no, that’s...I would never do that okay?” He sat forward and asked with raw intensity, “Is that why you didn’t tell me, because you thought you would lose him? That I’d take him away from you?”
Kyle
flinched and then shook his head. “No, I...maybe, I don’t know.” He raised a slender white hand to his eyes and said brokenly, “I haven’t really been thinking that clearly for the past couple of weeks.” He drew a shaky breath and then squared his shoulders, looking up with a determined expression. “I have to know. The other night....the way you were....is that how you really are underneath? Having a child can be...frustrating....and I have to know that....if you lose your temper again....”
Jonah
jumped to his feet, freezing when Kyle pulled back sharply in his chair and looked up at him with wide eyes. “Fuck, Gerritsen, I’m a cop. I would never hurt a kid! I spend my life trying to put away the bastards that do.” Kyle continued to stare at him mutely, evidently not convinced and Jonah turned sharply away, his hands clenching into fists in frustration at himself and the situation. “The other night, that wasn’t because of the...because of Shea. Not really.” He took a deep breath and then another trying to calm himself and find the words to explain and finally muttered, “I hate talking about this shit. I really fucking hate it.” He turned back to Kyle and said, “Look, there’s something you should know but I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, okay? It happened and I dealt with it and it’s over. Done.”
Still looking nervous at
Jonah’s sudden movement, Kyle nodded and said hesitantly, “Alright.”
Jonah
stared at him for a long moment and then gritted his teeth and made himself man the fuck up. “That night at the club where we....”
Hooked up
?
Fucked
?
I destroyed your life and dreams
? “....met, I was working undercover. There was a gang roaming the area at the time, targeting gays and beating the fuck out of them before robbing them. You remember hearing anything about it?”
“Yes, it was all anyone could talk about for a time.”
Kyle nodded, looking dazed. “Wait, you were undercover?” He stared at Jonah torn between dismay and fascination. “When we were together you were on duty?” He blinked when Jonah nodded shortly and said faintly, “Well you had me fooled. You’re very good at your job.”
Jonah
was surprised into a bark of laughter and grinned at Kyle when he finally seemed to relax slightly and smiled warily back. “Yeah, I guess I am.” He went back to the couch and flopped down onto it again, dropping his head onto the back and closing his eyes. “Anyway, I was still working the case when I ran into the gang and took a pretty bad beating. Ended up in hospital for a few months and it was almost a year before I was allowed back on the street.” He cracked an eye open and looked at Kyle who was staring at him in horror. “One of the side effects was that I ended up with some memory loss. Nothing major but there’s a bunch of days I can’t remember and it’s not likely I’m ever going to get them back.” He smiled wearily when Kyle finally made the connection and said, “Lopez seems to think I got jumped a couple of days after that night in the club, three or four at most.”
“Oh my God,” breathed
Kyle in understanding, a hand pressed to his mouth. “That’s why you didn’t recognise me.”
“Yeah.”
Jonah tapped his head self-mockingly. “You kinda got lost in the soup they turned my brain into for a time.” He pulled himself up a little and said gruffly, “I’m okay now. Nothing got broke permanently but I sometimes have these dreams, like, flashbacks I guess.” He felt his face flush with hot colour when Kyle’s face reflected nothing but confusion and muttered, “Most times I think it’s from when I got jumped. Images and stuff from when they had me down and I couldn’t fight back, but recently since we met I’ve been seeing you. Us.
Together
.” Kyle blinked at him dumbly and Jonah expanded irritably. “Fucking. We were fucking.”
“Oh!”
Kyle flushed a brilliant fuchsia pink. “You’ve been flashing back to us meeting. I...see.”
“You really don’t,” said
Jonah bitterly. “I don’t ever know what’s real and what’s not and it freaks me the fuck out, okay? Then I meet you and I start seeing you every time I close my damn eyes and I think if I get in your pants then it’s gonna go away. Get it out of my system, y’know?” He looked at Kyle with an unconsciously desolate expression. “Then we go out and bump into Lee and he recognises you from the club and I just...lost it. I thought I was just horny and needing to get laid and then he tells me that we hooked up and....” He gestured vaguely at Kyle’s rigid body. “I kept seeing that mark on your back in my dreams and I knew there was no way I’d seen it in real life. I figured that if I just saw your back and there wasn’t a mark then it was just because I liked you that I kept dreaming about you but then there
was
a mark and you’d lied to me and....”
swallowed and tried to keep the angry expression on his face, snarling, “So, what, that makes it okay that he played me and lied to me? You’re taking his side and making excuses for him now?”
Light
ning fast, Lopez’s comforting hand came up and slapped him round the side of his head. “I’m on your side, you asshole, and don’t you forget it. And I am not making excuses for him, okay? I’m giving you reasons. He did something dumb and he’s paying for it. From what his little gal pal told me you knocked him on his ass showing up the way you did and he’s been trying to get back up ever since. He thought he was gonna be alone in this forever and then all of a sudden you’re strutting though his door all ‘Let’s fuck’ eyes and ‘How
you
doin’?’ and, as far as he’s concerned, you don’t even remember him from the last time you got him to drop his pretty panties and, oh yeah, completely changed his life.” She shook her head and said irritably, “Look, I don’t like it any more than you do, but the hag raised some good points. He’s not just looking out for number one here. He’s got the kid to consider and if he fucks up then it’s all on him. There’s no one else to take the shit or the fall. He went out with you to try and see the man behind the asshole and figure out the best way to tell you about the kid.” She raised her eyebrows pointedly. “If you can sit there and tell me you could have thought of a better way to handle the situation then you’re a lot brighter than I ever gave you credit for.” She paused to let that sink in and added, “There was never gonna be a good way to handle this, Jonah. He freaked out and then did the best he could with what he had.”
Jonah
looked at her for a long moment and then scrubbed a weary hand over his eyes. “What a fucking mess.” He slumped in his chair, rubbing harder at his eyes and trying to hide the sudden stinging there. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here.” He thought again of Kyle, shocked, pale and huddled in on himself when he had stormed off and left him, and muttered, “I really fucking went for him. He probably thinks I’m some kind of psycho. No way he’s gonna let me near the kid now.”
“That what you want?” Lopez held up her hands defensively when
Jonah dropped his hand to glower at her. “Hey, I’m just saying. Not like you’ve ever shown any interest in that side of things before and our lives aren’t exactly what your little princess and his buddies got going on.” She shrugged. “From what the girl said they’ve pretty much surrounded the kid with show tunes and a rainbow of ribbons since he was born – we’re more the blood, guts and battered bodies end of the spectrum.” She jerked as thumb at Dex. “Even Randall here. Our lives aren’t exactly what you’d call easy and if you’re gonna lose interest a few months down the line or figure that diapers and little league don’t hold up to the job or tying one on with the boys at the weekend then I figure it’s probably better in the long run if you just cut them loose now. Let him move on and find someone else to step up if that’s what he wants.”
Jonah
found he was listening seriously to Lopez right up until the moment she mentioned someone else coming in and taking responsibility for Kyle and his son. He was brought up short at the sharp pang in his chest when he considered the possibility of someday having his son calling another man daddy. Of that man being able to go to little league games and graduations and do a hundred and one other things that were his by right...and by choice, goddamn it.
He stood up. “Where the hell is my phone?”
~*~*~*~
When the knock came at his door later that night,
Jonah froze for a moment with his heart slamming against his ribs and felt a cold sweat spring out on his body. A few hours’ sleep thankfully not assisted by alcohol, another shower – even more thankfully this time not assisted by Lopez – and a meal of some pasta and crusty bread and he was feeling a lot more human. The call he had placed to Kyle had been brief and uncomfortable on both sides, he could almost smell the trepidation wafting down the line from Kyle’s end. When he had basically demanded a meeting between the two of them he had been surprised when Kyle had insisted on coming to his apartment instead of having Jonah come to him or meeting somewhere neutral. Or in public.
Jonah
was prepared to concede that the thing that surprised him most of all was that Kyle was insistence on them meeting alone considering how their last meeting had gone. In the other man’s shoes he wasn’t sure he would have made the same decision.
Another knock sounded and
Jonah shook himself before crossing to the door and pulling it open to reveal Kyle in the small hallway outside, looking white and tired and clutching the strap of his messenger bag like a lifeline. “Hey.” Jonah nodded at him and then stepped back. “Come in.”
“Thank you.”
Kyle’s voice was soft but steady and he moved past Jonah without meeting his eyes, his shoulders tense under his black leather jacket. He stopped in the centre of the room and looked around uncertainly until Jonah pointed to the armchair under the window indicating he should sit. Kyle looked worriedly back at the door and Jonah realised he had inadvertently chosen the position furthest from the only avenue of escape. If things went badly then Kyle not only had to get across the length of the room but through a man that had already proven he could snap him like kindling if he chose. Kyle gave the door once last look and then tilted his chin up and sat himself down, placing his bag on the floor at his feet and crossing his legs neatly.
“You want a drink?”
Jonah shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and couldn’t quite make himself look at Kyle, unsure how to act after their last meeting. “I got some of that tea in that you like. Well, my friend did a grocery run for me earlier and I got him to pick some up.” He took a step towards the kitchen. “I’ll go put on the water.”
“No, thank you.”
Kyle laced his hands together over his knee and stared at the floor, his artfully cropped hair falling into his eyes. “If you’d just say what you have to say then I’d appreciate it.” He hesitated and then added almost defiantly, “I want to get back to Shea and I don’t like to leave him in the evenings if I can help it.”
“Right.”
Jonah quashed a stab of anger at the carefully blank expression and cool tone of voice. Then he noticed the way Kyle’s knuckles were showing bone white through the taut skin of his hands and the fine trembling in his body and realised that the other man wasn’t indifferent and dismissive of him – he was goddamned scared.
He sat himself down on the end of the couch furthest from
Kyle and said roughly, “I’m not going to do anything to you. I didn’t want a meet to push you around some more.”
Kyle
’s eyes lifted in surprise for a moment and then he dropped then back down to the floor, scowling and with a faint stain of colour on his otherwise chalk white face. “I didn’t imagine for one minute that you would. I doubt even you would be stupid enough to attack me again in your own home when I’ve informed two different people where I am and who to contact if I don’t come home tonight.”
Jonah
really wanted to laugh that comment off but somehow he didn’t think Kyle was kidding. Deep in his gut he felt a stab of guilt and then another of reluctant admiration – it had taken real guts for Kyle to come to him alone if he had even a suspicion Jonah would turn on him again. He shifted uneasily on his seat and tried to think of something to say to start the conversation but nothing came to mind. He shifted again and blurted out the first thing that came into his head. “He really mine?”
Kyle
’s head jerked up again, a look of incredulity on his face, before his mouth twisted bitterly and he muttered, “Score one for Megan.” He bent to tug open the flap of his bag and rummaged inside for a moment before pulling out a small plastic tub and tossed it onto the couch near Jonah. “I swabbed the inside of his cheek with a cotton bud. I’m not really sure if that’s how you’re meant to do it in real life but it seemed fairly consistent with what I’ve seen on C.S.I.”
Jonah
stared blankly down at the plastic vial and picked it up where, on closer inspection, it did indeed hold a cotton bud. “What’s this?”
Kyle
looked at him like he was mentally deficient. “A DNA sample? You wanted proof that he’s yours, yes?” He cast a glance at the vial in Jonah’s hand and then looked away again, his mouth twisting in distaste. “There it is. I’m sure with your connections you can have it tested fairly quickly. If....” He broke off and swallowed hard for a moment before forcing out, “If I haven’t done it correctly then I’m willing to bring him to his paediatrician and have another sample taken there.”
Jonah
continued staring and then delicately put the vial down on the coffee table. “Sorry.”
Kyle
shrugged. “I was expecting it. It’s not like I’ve given you any reason to trust me.” He focused on his hands and asked with a slight tremor to his voice, “When the test proves that...that he’s yours, what do you want from us? Are you....” His mouth worked frantically for a moment before he said thickly, “Are you going to try and take him away from me?”
Wishing profoundly that that he was still drunk for this conversation,
Jonah shook his head and said, “Hell, no, that’s...I would never do that okay?” He sat forward and asked with raw intensity, “Is that why you didn’t tell me, because you thought you would lose him? That I’d take him away from you?”
Kyle
flinched and then shook his head. “No, I...maybe, I don’t know.” He raised a slender white hand to his eyes and said brokenly, “I haven’t really been thinking that clearly for the past couple of weeks.” He drew a shaky breath and then squared his shoulders, looking up with a determined expression. “I have to know. The other night....the way you were....is that how you really are underneath? Having a child can be...frustrating....and I have to know that....if you lose your temper again....”
Jonah
jumped to his feet, freezing when Kyle pulled back sharply in his chair and looked up at him with wide eyes. “Fuck, Gerritsen, I’m a cop. I would never hurt a kid! I spend my life trying to put away the bastards that do.” Kyle continued to stare at him mutely, evidently not convinced and Jonah turned sharply away, his hands clenching into fists in frustration at himself and the situation. “The other night, that wasn’t because of the...because of Shea. Not really.” He took a deep breath and then another trying to calm himself and find the words to explain and finally muttered, “I hate talking about this shit. I really fucking hate it.” He turned back to Kyle and said, “Look, there’s something you should know but I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, okay? It happened and I dealt with it and it’s over. Done.”
Still looking nervous at
Jonah’s sudden movement, Kyle nodded and said hesitantly, “Alright.”
Jonah
stared at him for a long moment and then gritted his teeth and made himself man the fuck up. “That night at the club where we....”
Hooked up
?
Fucked
?
I destroyed your life and dreams
? “....met, I was working undercover. There was a gang roaming the area at the time, targeting gays and beating the fuck out of them before robbing them. You remember hearing anything about it?”
“Yes, it was all anyone could talk about for a time.”
Kyle nodded, looking dazed. “Wait, you were undercover?” He stared at Jonah torn between dismay and fascination. “When we were together you were on duty?” He blinked when Jonah nodded shortly and said faintly, “Well you had me fooled. You’re very good at your job.”
Jonah
was surprised into a bark of laughter and grinned at Kyle when he finally seemed to relax slightly and smiled warily back. “Yeah, I guess I am.” He went back to the couch and flopped down onto it again, dropping his head onto the back and closing his eyes. “Anyway, I was still working the case when I ran into the gang and took a pretty bad beating. Ended up in hospital for a few months and it was almost a year before I was allowed back on the street.” He cracked an eye open and looked at Kyle who was staring at him in horror. “One of the side effects was that I ended up with some memory loss. Nothing major but there’s a bunch of days I can’t remember and it’s not likely I’m ever going to get them back.” He smiled wearily when Kyle finally made the connection and said, “Lopez seems to think I got jumped a couple of days after that night in the club, three or four at most.”
“Oh my God,” breathed
Kyle in understanding, a hand pressed to his mouth. “That’s why you didn’t recognise me.”
“Yeah.”
Jonah tapped his head self-mockingly. “You kinda got lost in the soup they turned my brain into for a time.” He pulled himself up a little and said gruffly, “I’m okay now. Nothing got broke permanently but I sometimes have these dreams, like, flashbacks I guess.” He felt his face flush with hot colour when Kyle’s face reflected nothing but confusion and muttered, “Most times I think it’s from when I got jumped. Images and stuff from when they had me down and I couldn’t fight back, but recently since we met I’ve been seeing you. Us.
Together
.” Kyle blinked at him dumbly and Jonah expanded irritably. “Fucking. We were fucking.”
“Oh!”
Kyle flushed a brilliant fuchsia pink. “You’ve been flashing back to us meeting. I...see.”
“You really don’t,” said
Jonah bitterly. “I don’t ever know what’s real and what’s not and it freaks me the fuck out, okay? Then I meet you and I start seeing you every time I close my damn eyes and I think if I get in your pants then it’s gonna go away. Get it out of my system, y’know?” He looked at Kyle with an unconsciously desolate expression. “Then we go out and bump into Lee and he recognises you from the club and I just...lost it. I thought I was just horny and needing to get laid and then he tells me that we hooked up and....” He gestured vaguely at Kyle’s rigid body. “I kept seeing that mark on your back in my dreams and I knew there was no way I’d seen it in real life. I figured that if I just saw your back and there wasn’t a mark then it was just because I liked you that I kept dreaming about you but then there
was
a mark and you’d lied to me and....”
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