A Matter of Sin (19 page)

Seth shook his head. “And they can be dissuaded of that notion as easily as your sister shall be.”

Her face crumpled further. “Not if you and I continue to talk to each other, to meet together, to be seen together at this party. When we do, that belief will only grow.”

Seth flinched. She was utterly correct, but he could easily follow the track of her thoughts and they were leading him to a place he didn’t want to go.

“Isabel—” he began.

But she held up a hand without allowing him to speak, to coax, to convince and seduce.

“Seth, we both declared this was only a temporary affair at the start.” Her voice was garbled as if she were choking on the words and she stopped, took a deep breath and composed herself before she continued, “We agreed that if circumstances changed, if matters became complicated, we would end this. Well, circumstances have changed and become so very, very complicated.”

“No,” Seth said, unwilling to hear this without any kind of battle against it. “You cannot mean this. Not just because a servant loosed their foolish tongue over a seating arrangement!”

Isabel shook her head as she got to her feet and backed away. “It may be foolish, but disasters have been caused by foolish things many times throughout history.” She sucked in a breath. “I don’t wish to see my sister hurt when people believe you lost interest in her. And
you
would be hurt by this as well.”

“How?” he snapped, rising from the bench and inspiring her to take another step away.

“If those in attendance think you have a special interest in my sister, they will withdraw their daughters, stop the constant parade of potential mates before you. And if you then ‘broke’ with her, some of them might not wish to risk their own daughters experiencing the same humiliation.”

Seth struggled to find something,
anything
to deter her from the path she was on, but everything she said had merit. He had been in the world of the
ton
long enough to know her glimpse at the future was spot on.

“I don’t want this to end,” he whispered.

She turned her face. He could see from her tormented expression that he had hit upon her own very private thoughts. But it gave him no pleasure to know she felt the same as he. Not when she refused to surrender to it.

“But we must,” she finally said with steely strength in her tone. “Perhaps this was wrong to start with.”

He grabbed her hand before she could bolt and pulled her closer. “Don’t say that,” he said through clenched teeth. “Don’t
ever
say that.”

She shook her head. “You mistake my meaning. I was not saying I regret it. Wrong or not, I couldn’t bring myself to feel that. But it cannot continue. Not now, not under these new circumstances.”

“Isabel,” he whispered, startled by how shaky his tone had become.

She frowned and pulled away from him a fraction. “The whole party returns to London in just two days’ time. I shall arrange for our early departure on the day—I’m certain I can find some excuse. But until that time, I think it would be wise if we stay away from each other. And once we return to the city, it would likely be prudent to avoid contact there as well.”

“No.” His voice was so pained, Seth hardly recognized it.

“Yes.”

She shivered as she tried to tug her hand from his, but he wouldn’t allow it. The moment he let her go, she would be gone. First in spirit, then in body.

“You are an intelligent man—you know I am correct in everything I say. And you must also know how difficult this is for me,” she pleaded.

“Then give me one last night,” Seth said, pulling her even closer. “Meet with me one final time.”

She shook her head after a long and telling hesitation. “I-I can’t. Please don’t ask it of me.”

“Why?”

Her sigh came before her answer. “If we met now, we would not make love, but mate with some kind of desperation. I don’t want that to be my final memory of you. Of us. Let us hold last night in our hearts. It was precious and beautiful, and I don’t want to sully it with pain and despair.”

She pulled again on her hand, and this time he let her free. She stared at him for a charged moment and then whispered, “Goodbye.”

Turning, she began to move toward the safety of the house, but then she stopped. Seth froze too. In their intense exchange they hadn’t noticed the approach of another person, but now Seth’s mother stood at the turn in the path where Seth had first seen Isabel. And she was staring at them both in what could only be described as utter shock.

Isabel straightened her shoulders and nodded. “Good afternoon, my lady,” she said with not so much as a quaver to her voice. Then she marched past his mother and disappeared on the path.

Despite his heartache, Seth was filled with pride, for he knew she had to be humiliated by the intrusion. Yet she hadn’t bent her head as she might have done a week before. She hadn’t apologized for or explained her actions.

But now
he
would be forced to do so. He could see that in his mother’s hesitation as she walked toward him.

“Seth,” his mother said. “Wh-what is going on?”

He shook his head. “Nothing, Mother.”

She moved forward a long step. “My eyesight may be failing with age, but I am not yet blind, son. Anyone who wasn’t daft could see there was something very intense and inappropriate transpiring between you and Lady Avenbury.”

He stared at her, his frustration at a peak that didn’t allow him to temper his tone. “We were having a discussion. What is so inappropriate about that?”

“You had her hands in yours—you were practically in each other’s arms.” His mother shook her head. “I could see you had an interest in her from the start, and I chose to ignore it and hope it would take its course and be done with. But you must know you could never pursue such a thing.”

Seth clenched his fists at his sides. “I do not wish to speak about this.”

His mother moved closer, and her eyes were almost wild with worry. “But we must. Tell me now, is there something between you and Lady Avenbury?”

He looked toward the place where he had last seen Isabel. In his mind, he could so clearly picture the moments they had shared. Not just in his bed, but any time they were near.

Did seeing her all those years ago when she was a girl and always being drawn to her constitute “something”? Did feeling such a thrill when she walked through his door? Did aching for her day and night count? Did dreaming of her? Did the fact that his chest ached now that he would never touch her again?

“It doesn’t matter,” he said softly as he walked away from his mother and her never-ending questions. He couldn’t answer them at present; it was too painful. “It is over now. You needn’t worry yourself about it anymore.”

Chapter Twenty-One

“A great deal can happen in a carriage.”
—The Ladies Book of Pleasures

Although Isabel had never liked rain, she had welcomed it over the past two days. The bad weather ended plans for a final ball at the Lyndham estate and many of the guests had quietly retired to their chambers reading or playing cards. Isabel had feigned a headache the first night, which had resulted in a note from Seth’s mother that read:

I’m sure you will feel better once you are home.

My best,

Lady Lyndham

Isabel had read it a dozen times before she burned it, for the message was more than clear. Seth’s mother had seen them together, and the woman was no fool. She must have guessed at their feelings and was now gently discouraging her from pursuit.

Now Isabel sat in Grace’s carriage while their bags and servants all went in her smaller vehicle. She stared across at her sister and her best friend as they rambled along the damp and muddy countryside on their way back to London.

Serena frowned as the estate disappeared in the morning fog out the window. She dropped the curtain with a sigh. “Did you both notice that in the last two days Lord Lyndham seemed to avoid all in the party, but most especially me?”

Grace gave Isabel a quick glance before she turned toward Serena. Isabel stared out the window without answering. She couldn’t talk about
him
, certainly not with her sister.

“He didn’t even rise to see our carriage off. It was only his mother who came, and she seemed pleased to have the guests beginning to depart.” Serena pouted prettily. “Although, we left so early, who can blame him for staying abed?”

Isabel kept staring at the rolling wet hills outside her window. She couldn’t help but wonder at Seth’s feelings, though she was relieved he hadn’t made the show of seeing them off. It would have been impossible to feign disinterest as they said their final goodbye.

Grace filled the silence. “I’m afraid our early departure is my fault, my dear. I had some business to attend to in London and I feared we wouldn’t reach the city by tomorrow if we didn’t leave early. Not with this weather.”

Serena immediately touched Grace’s hand. “Oh, I hope you didn’t think I was criticizing, Your Grace. I suppose I am only dissatisfied by how things ended and I’m just talking. Were you not disappointed, Isabel?”

Isabel turned toward the pair at last. She could only hope her feelings wouldn’t be clear from her tone or expression. “I suppose it
was
rather a letdown to have the visit end with such a quiet little moan, especially after everything that has happened since our arrival. But these things happen sometimes. All we can do is move on from it.”

Serena was blessedly quiet for only a moment.

“Sarah suggested that perhaps Lord Lyndham was only playing hard to get with me. That was why he danced with me, asked after me to my chaperone, but then distanced himself. She thinks he might still approach me in London after some absence makes his heart grow fonder.”

Isabel shut her eyes. Her head was beginning to throb in time to the rattling of the carriage and the tears she refused to shed since her parting with Seth in the garden were closer and closer to the edge of falling.

“You know, Serena,” Grace said softly. “I did not wish to mention this, but now I feel it would be a kindness. I have it under good authority that Lord Lyndham has an interest in another lady. Perhaps his feelings for her were simply stronger and he was distancing himself from you as a way to keep you from pain.”

Serena stared at their friend, then her mouth dropped open in outrage. “
What?
Another lady? Who?”

Grace’s expression never revealed any hesitation in her lie, even when she said, “I do not know for certain. Perhaps she was not amongst the debutantes.”

Isabel looked at Grace evenly, her heart swelling with gratitude. Everyone knew that the duchess had inside information on everything and everyone in Society. By telling Serena that Seth liked another, her sister would surely believe it. And that would, eventually, end the subject.

“That cad,” her sister fumed. “And after he pursued me so strenuously.”

Isabel stared in wonder. How Serena could build up such a thing in her head from one dance and a dinner conversation that hadn’t even included her sister was beyond her.

But Grace nodded solemnly as if Serena’s outburst made perfect sense. “Indeed. Don’t you think it is best that you didn’t tie your hopes and yourself to such a man?”

Serena hesitated and then she nodded. “Yes. That is true. In fact, I think we should never again speak of or
to
the ‘gentleman’.”

Once again, Grace cast her gaze toward Isabel. “I think that might be best, yes.”

“There are many other men anyway,” Serena insisted with a shrug that said how little she cared one way or another for Seth.

Isabel rubbed her temples. How she wished she could be so flippant as her sister. When she thought of Seth the pain in her heart hadn’t faded. In fact, as they had avoided each other in the past two days, the hurt had actually grown. She did not sleep for fear of her dreams. She couldn’t eat. Memories assailed her at every corner of the estate as she recalled little moments she and Seth had shared during their brief time together.

Serena yawned. “I think I may try to sleep during our ride home, if you two wouldn’t find that too rude.”

Isabel nodded. “Of course not. I’ll wake you when we stop along the road.”

Grace waited until Serena had shut her eyes and her breathing had become slow and even before she crossed the carriage to take the seat beside Isabel.

Without a word, Isabel settled her head into her friend’s shoulder and sighed as Grace put her arm around her. For a long time, they sat like that. Grace’s quiet comfort helped somewhat, though it seemed nothing could completely take away the pain in her heart.

“Are you well?” Grace whispered.

Isabel wanted to lie and say yes. To pretend away her heartbreak, but it wasn’t possible. Not with Grace.

“No,” she admitted softly as she glanced at Serena to be sure she wasn’t feigning slumber. But her sister was obviously deep in the sleep of the utterly unworried. Lucky girl.

Grace’s embrace tightened around her shoulders. “I didn’t want to be right, you know.”

“Right?” Isabel sighed.

“That you would love him.”

Isabel stared straight ahead. There was no denying it. Grace was absolutely correct. She
was
in love with Seth. Deeply, desperately, powerfully and completely. She couldn’t deny it even to herself any longer.

“It is an unfair turn of events, I agree,” she whispered without looking at her friend to see the pity she knew was in her eyes. “But I think my sister’s way of handling these little disappointments is best. We shall pretend it didn’t happen. We shall act as though we never met Seth—” She corrected herself. “Lord Lyndham.”

Grace was silent for a moment.

“Very well,” she finally said, though there was no mistaking the troubled quality to her tone. “If that is what you wish to do, I’ll help you every way I can. Though I warn you, he will probably be at some of the events we are invited to in London. There may be no avoiding him entirely.”

Isabel nodded as she continued to stare at nothing. Of course he would be active in Society this year. He was driven to marry. He would be everywhere.

“Although I have hope I won’t be forced to face him, I expect it will happen sooner rather than later. Perhaps that is for the best, after all. If I must see him regularly, in time my feelings will fade. I’ll be able to look at him without wishing…well, without wishing. I’ll be as content about the loss as Serena seems to be.”

Grace glanced at Serena, who was now lightly snoring. “Can you do that?”

“I must.” Isabel looked out the window “After all, it is my only choice.”