A Matter of Sin (16 page)

“Would you like some food?” her friend asked.

Isabel bit her lip gently. “No.”

“Are you certain? You look as though you may have earned a good breakfast.” Grace sipped her tea, though her gaze never left Isabel. “Since you are still in the same gown that I saw you in last night.”

Isabel shook her head.
There
was the comment she had been waiting for. “I promise you, I did not intend to flaunt that fact when I joined you today.”

Grace nodded. “But since I have seen it, you must realize I know you spent the night with Lyndham.”

Isabel sighed. She set her cup aside as she covered her eyes with both hands. “Yes.”

“How did you end up in my chamber?” Grace asked.

She shook her head, her words muffled by her fingers. “I tried to go to my rooms, but Lady Saunders’ servant caught me. You know what a gossip her mistress is—I had no choice but to pretend I was on my way
out
of my chamber rather than in.”

Grace stared at her and there was relief and surprise on her face in equal measure. “It was good thinking, Isabel. You know, you might be made for these clandestine assignations after all.”

“Oh, I’m not, I’m really not,” Isabel sighed. “I nearly died when she looked at me. I’m sure she noticed what I mess I was. I had to make up some ridiculous story about not wanting to wake my servant.”

Grace shrugged. “Clever. It is believable, at least.”

“One can only hope so, for the sake of my reputation.” Isabel shivered. “And Serena’s.”

There was a long silence before Grace cleared her throat. “So what does your spending the night together mean for you and our host?”

Isabel blinked, refusing to look at her friend. “I don’t think it means anything.”

“It does imply a deeper intimacy,” Grace said softly.

But Isabel didn’t dare consider that idea. “It was merely a mistake. We both fell asleep. I won’t read more into it than that. I can’t.”

“Do you love him?” Grace whispered.

Isabel’s gaze snapped up to her friend. Grace was holding her stare so evenly, there would be no way to avoid the question she asked. But it was the one question Isabel didn’t want to consider. She knew the limitations of this affair, the boundaries that could not be crossed for any reason. The results would only be heartache and pain.

“Do you love him?”
her friend repeated slowly, almost as if she could hear the line of Isabel’s thoughts and wasn’t satisfied by it.

Isabel shook her head.

“No. I-I don’t love him,” she whispered.

Grace tilted her head incredulously and Isabel let out her breath in a trembling sigh. There was no hiding anything from the duchess.

“Oh, curse your blasted insight. I could, all right? I can see now how easily I
could
love him. Worse yet, I know I
might
love him by the time this affair is over, if it continues as it has.”

“What do you mean?” her friend asked.

Isabel thought about the question, thought about the time she had shared with Seth. “If it were only my body involved, I think I could be colder. But we talk, Grace. We laugh together. There is so much about us that is similar and complementary. I could be his friend, I could confide in him and know he would protect all my secrets. Add to that the fact that when he touches me I forget everything in the world but him…” She trailed off. “Oh, it seems I feel more for him every time we are near each other.”

Grace smiled, her expression gentle. “You sound so sorry and resigned to that fact. But why
couldn’t
you love him? I think you deserve to feel that.”

She shook her head. “There is nothing to this—please don’t confuse things further!”

“Why do you say that?” Grace protested, getting to her feet with an exasperated expression. “Why do you continue to assume you are unfit for a man like Lord Lyndham? Especially when it is clear that your attraction is far from one-sided.”

“Because I am!” Isabel snapped as she, too, got to her feet. “Great God, Gracie, you know exactly why. Please don’t pretend not to just to protect my feelings. I’m not stupid, you know. Seth and I talked at length last night about this very subject. It was more than clear to me how strongly he feels about marrying and producing heirs. For that, he needs an undamaged woman.”

“He doesn’t know you couldn’t be the person to do just that for him!” Grace threw her hands up in frustration. “More to the point,
you
don’t know you couldn’t. You are young and healthy—perhaps Hartley could have been at fault for your lack of breeding.”

Isabel shrugged as one of the most powerful moments of the previous night flashed through her mind. Powerful, passionate and oh, so very telling. When Seth had loosed his hot seed deep within her body, setting off an earthquake of release within her.

“Well, Seth must assume I cannot have a child,” she said softly. “He wasn’t…
careful
.”

Grace sucked in a breath of surprise. “You mean he—”

“Yes!” Isabel interrupted with an embarrassed wave of her hand. “We needn’t talk about it at length. You know what I’m saying. But his lack of caution makes it clear that he does not consider me for a wife. And nor should he.” She sank back into her chair with a
thunk
. “I’m not the one for him. One of these young women with no past and no pain and every chance in the world for an heir to fulfill his brother’s legacy…
that
is who he deserves.”

Grace looked at her with sadness. With pity. “I think you are right.”

Isabel flinched, though she supposed she should be happy her friend saw her view of it. Perhaps Grace would now let this subject be.

But her friend continued unexpectedly, “You
will
be in love with him if this is how you feel already.”

Isabel covered her eyes again, but this time she let out a little sob. No, she couldn’t do that. The pain it would cause…she could already see how terrible it would be.

“Oh, why couldn’t I just stick with my original plan to have an affair?” she asked with a shaky sigh. “Something fun and frivolous! Why can’t I keep my heart and my body separate?”

Grace smiled gently. “Because, my dear, they
are
tied together.”

Isabel stared at her. “They weren’t with Hartley. I loved him, but I didn’t feel compelled to touch him, nor did I desire to give myself to him at all hours of the day and night.”

Grace blinked. “My. How delightful your first marriage seems to have been.”

Isabel rolled her eyes. “Be serious.”

“I am!” Grace grabbed her hand. “You married a man who was twice your age. I realize you loved him in your own fashion, mostly because he took care of you and your sisters, but it wasn’t a love match or a marriage based on desire.
That
is the difference. What you are experiencing now with Seth is natural. And it’s what you deserve. You shouldn’t
have
to work so hard to separate your mind and body.”

Isabel straightened up. “Work to separate them,” she repeated as the idea sunk in.

In truth, she had been so taken aback by her feelings, her desires, she
hadn’t
tried very hard to control herself. But Grace had struck upon something.

“Isabel—” her friend began in a wary tone.

“No, you may not have meant to, but you’ve helped me,” Isabel said as she pushed to her feet. “I am only involving my heart because I’m allowing that to happen. Which means
I
can stop it.”

Grace shook her head. “I don’t think you can stop—”

“I
can
,” Isabel insisted, clinging to that hope with every fiber of her being. The consequences of not doing so were too dire. “I will.”

She could see Grace wanted to argue so she moved for the door.

“I must go to my room. I need to change.” Without waiting for her friend’s response, Isabel went into the hallway.

But as she walked back to her chamber and the tantalizing promise of a bath, she realized changing was the only thing she could do.

And she could only hope it wasn’t too late.

Chapter Eighteen

“The best qualities in a lover are often found outside the bedroom. Watch how your intended interacts with others, how he dances, how he speaks.”
—The Ladies Book of Pleasures

“How long have I known you?”

Seth glanced up from the paperwork he had read four times without actually seeing what was written on it and gave Jason a questioning look.

“What are you going on about?”

“How long have I known you?” Jason repeated, this time a bit slower, as though he thought Seth daft.

Seth shook his head as he pondered the confusing question. “I don’t know. Years, decades.”

“So you would say I know you well?” his friend pressed.

Seth leaned back and stared at Jason. “Yes,” he said with continued hesitation. “I’m not sure I understand where this line of questioning is going…”

More to the point, he wasn’t sure he was going to like it once he knew.

Jason folded his arms. “I’m only trying to ascertain why you aren’t telling me exactly what it is that is wrong with you lately.”

Seth frowned. Jason looked concerned enough, but it was possible the moment Seth gave a serious answer, his friend would return to teasing him as he always did.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Seth said with a wave of his hand.

Even if Jason was in a rare serious moment, Seth wasn’t sure he wanted to tell him anything that was going on in his life. And he
had
promised Isabel to keep their affair private…

“So you are going to try to tell me that you aren’t distracted beyond measure, brooding constantly and not sleeping?” Jason folded his arms. “Please.”

Seth blinked. It seemed his friend was more observant than he had pegged him to be. A good thing to remember.

“You know how these parties are,” he murmured.

“Yes, I do,” Jason said with a pointed stare. “I’ve been to a great many of them, as have you. But you don’t normally moon around like this.”

Seth shook his head. “You are being ridiculous.”

Jason continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “In fact, when I
have
seen a man going on as you are, there is almost always some foolishness involved with a woman. Like he believes himself…” His friend trailed off and straightened up with eyes wide. “Wait, don’t tell me you fancy yourself in
love
with one of these chits.”

Seth nearly choked on his next breath.
“What?”

Jason rolled his eyes. “Really, Lyndham, not a one is interesting beyond two minutes of conversation. I refuse to come to your wedding if you shackle yourself to one of them.”

“Oh, for God’s sake, I’m not in love,” Seth snapped as he pushed off from his desk and walked to the window to look out on the garden.

Of course, he could turn his back on Jason, but not his own feelings. When his friend asked him about love, Isabel’s image popped very clearly into his mind. And not Isabel in a state of undress, but with a smile on her face, a twinkle in her eyes, with all her compassion and friendship for him.

“I’m not in love,” he repeated, his time softer.

“Good,” Jason said after a long enough hesitation that Seth looked over his shoulder at him. He found his friend staring at him, arms folded. “I only suggested it because you had a rather gooey-eyed look about you.”

Seth sighed heavily. “Don’t be an idiot.”

Jason tilted his head and the seriousness returned. “You say it isn’t love, but there
is
something wrong. What is it? Your family is well, are they not?”

“Yes,” Seth said, smiling since Jason’s concern on this topic was very real.

And why not? Jason had been there through the death of both Seth’s father and his brother. And for all Seth’s exasperation with the earl, the man was his closest friend. He would be there however he could be if Seth asked.

Which made the fact that he couldn’t confide in him about his situation with Isabel all the more difficult.

“My family is fine,” he continued through clenched teeth. “I’m only under a great deal of pressure at present.”

Jason’s mouth thinned. “For that, I am truly sorry.”

They were silent for a moment, both men uncomfortable with this true expression of emotional closeness between them. Of course it was Jason who broke it.

“Why don’t you let me arrange for a girl for you?” his friend asked with a wicked glint in his eye. “There’s nothing like a night with a woman to ease the tension.”

Seth glared at him. “Great God, man, no. I don’t want you
arranging
anything.”

Jason chuckled. “You never let me have any fun at all.”

Seth shook his head. “I can arrange for my own girl if I want one.”

Jason lifted his eyebrows as he began to back out of the door. “Wellll, la-de-dah, my lord. You tell me know how that goes.”

As Seth grabbed the closest decorative pillow from the settee near him and tossed it toward the door, Jason scurried out with a boisterous laugh that made Seth smile. But the moment his friend was gone, the smile faded.

His concerns must be obvious, indeed, if Jason had the wherewithal to notice them. He just had to hope no one else could see how conflicted he was.

Especially Isabel.

Seth led his mother to the head of the table and then turned back to his own place with a smile. He had specially arranged that Isabel would be seated next to him tonight, as a way to make up for worrying her the day before. He settled into his place and quietly greeted the others around him before turning to the woman at his right hand.

Isabel wore a gown of bright green with lovely yellow flowers stitched across the silken fall of her skirt. It heightened the brightness of her eyes and the clarity of her fine skin, but Seth rather thought the best of the gown’s advantages was the way her cleavage was slightly lifted. He couldn’t help but picture stripping her out of it later.

“
Good evening
, Lady Avenbury,” he said with great emphasis and a smile meant only for her.

She stifled a laugh at his foolishness with a shake of her head before she answered, “Good evening, my lord.”

Her answering smile was so bright and beautiful that Seth realized no matter what else happened during supper, it was going to be a good night because of that one moment.

The others nearby gave them odd looks and Seth cleared his throat and stopped beaming at Isabel in the hopes no one would notice their special connection.

In fact, he had specially planned their seating arrangements tonight with just that hope in mind. Much to his mother’s confusion, he had asked that the very oldest and dullest chaperones be placed near him, as well as Isabel. He assumed those with poor hearing and little personality would be less likely to note the passion between them.

But as the meal began with little conversation from those around them, Isabel leaned forward.

“Lady Hamweigh,” she said, looking at a duchess next to her who had to be pushing eighty. The other women didn’t respond, and so Isabel raised her voice. “Your Grace?”

The other woman shook her head as if waking from a dream and smiled down the table. “Oh yes, Lady Avenbury. Why, don’t you look pretty.”

Isabel blushed at the compliment and Seth thought, once again, of the height of her pleasure. Damn, but the woman was a distraction.

“Thank you, Your Grace,” Isabel said, her tone remaining elevated so the duchess could hear her. “I appreciate your kindness.”

“I feel as though I haven’t seen you in an age,” the other woman continued.

Seth sighed. It seemed as though his intentions were about to be squashed, for Lady Hamweigh looked prepared to launch into a long and droning conversation with Isabel.

But Isabel seemed less perturbed by that fact. She smiled, and the expression was honest and welcoming. “I was thinking the same thing, Your Grace. You see, I wanted to ask after your good works. You just involved yourself in a charity for orphans, I’ve heard.”

Seth blinked as the other woman’s face lit up. He had known Lady Hamweigh since he was in short pants and had never seen her look so pleased or so animated.

“I did indeed,” the other woman gushed. “My grandson’s servant recently died, leaving a young child with no one to care for him. We arranged for something for the child, but it occurred to me that those of a lower class must have this happen all the time. With a little investigation, I heard such tales of tragedy about small children without homes, without hope. I told my sewing circle that if we were to be so privileged, why should we not share that with others who are less fortunate?”

Seth stared in shock at the realization that the little old woman gave such things any thought at all.

“Your Grace, that is a noble endeavor indeed,” he said with true admiration.

Isabel glanced at him with a brief smile before she returned her attention to Lady Hamweigh. “It is. I was so moved when I heard of your actions. I would dearly love to become involved myself. I know a little about the pain of being orphaned and of raising two parentless children.”

Her Grace’s eyes widened. “Oh yes, my dear. A woman with the experiences you have had would be a boon to our circle.” The duchess leaned forward conspiratorially, although being nearly deaf she didn’t lower her tone when she said, “And to be honest with you, I think our group needs to have some younger ladies involved in our pursuit. Some of the older women are so easily distracted.”

Isabel smiled, though Seth could see she was stifling a burst of laughter at Lady Hamweigh’s implication that there were those older than her in the group. She was one of the oldest women in Society at present.

Still, Isabel’s voice was kind when she said, “I’m certain many of my friends would take part in such an endeavor without hesitation. May I call on you upon our return to London and discuss it further?”

As the other woman nodded, Isabel now turned her attention to the gentleman across from her. Just as she had done with the Duchess of Hamweigh, Isabel engaged him, drawing him into discussion and including everyone within earshot of their conversation. People Seth hadn’t thought of in years were suddenly talking, laughing and showing sides to their personalities that he sadly hadn’t thought existed.

Seth drew back in wonder. Here he had seated himself and Isabel near people he considered to be bores in order to have her to himself because of all the things he already knew about her. Instead, he had ended up observing even more of Isabel’s excellent qualities.

She could effortlessly engage anyone and make them feel important. It was an exceptional quality in one of her rank, and one he wanted in a bride, but found lacking in many of the young and inexperienced ladies who paraded before him like overly dressed peacocks. Few of them were old enough to think of anyone but themselves, for they had experienced little in the world but their own estates and families.

Isabel laughed and those around her couldn’t help but smile, including Seth. It was simply in her nature to make others feel comfortable, to pull them into her world and make them forget all others. A fact that was underscored when his mother rose and gave him a brief look.

“Perhaps we should retire to the parlor, Seth, for drinks and whist?”

Seth blinked. He had hardly even noticed that the supper had ended, the food cleared away and the other guests were waiting expectantly. With a start, he got to his feet.

“Of course, Mother, I apologize. To the Green Parlor, then,” he said as he moved down the table to escort her.

He took a quick glance behind him as they exited the room and was irritated to see both Lord Monthaven and Sir Gregory moving toward Isabel to offer their arm as escort. Monthaven was a houseguest, so there was no avoiding him, but Seth had no idea why Sir Gregory had to be invited to each and every damned dinner.

He turned away before he could see Isabel’s choice and anger himself further.

“Are you well, darling?” his mother asked at his elbow. “You look grim.”

Seth shook off his unpleasant jealousy and smiled at his mother. “Oh, no, I’m quite well.”

“And how did you find your conversation with the chaperones?” his mother asked with a quick smile.

Seth couldn’t help but think of Isabel once again. “Surprising,” he admitted with a shake of his head. “Lady Avenbury is very…interesting.”

His mother nodded as they wound their way through the hall. “Oh, yes. It is a shame she is in the position she is.”

Seth’s brow wrinkled. “And what position would that be?”

“Well, you know—” his mother dropped her voice to a whisper, “
—barren
, a bit too old to tempt the men of a younger age in the
ton
who are eligible for a match.”

Seth ground his teeth. Although these facts were the very ones he and Isabel had already discussed at length, he didn’t like to hear them spoken about…to hear
Isabel
spoken about as if she were less worthy than any other woman.

His mother continued, oblivious to his feelings on the matter. “But I think she has other qualities that will overcome her failings. Her inheritance is quite large, and I’m sure some widower who already has his heir would be happy to take her.”

Seth turned on his mother as they entered the parlor. “Any man who believed he had to lower himself to ‘take her’, as you put it, is a fool who doesn’t deserve her for a moment. I learned a great deal about Lady Avenbury tonight, Mama. Chiefly that she is a diamond amongst paste stones.”

His mother blinked up at him and only then did Seth recognize that he was towering over her, his voice tense and filled with anger. He stepped away in horror as the next couple behind them entered the room.

“I apologize,” he murmured. “You did not deserve to be spoken to in such a manner.”

His mother shook her head, but it was clear she was more worried about his state of mind than offended by his lack of decorum toward her.

“Seth…”

He didn’t allow her to continue. “I should make the rounds of our guests,” he said with a bow. “I hope you can forgive me.”

Without waiting for her answer, he backed away to perform his duties, but he was uneasy. He had done damage tonight. Not only had he spoken to his mother in a harsh tone she did not deserve, but he had revealed to her…and perhaps to himself, just how much Isabel was beginning to mean to him.