A Matter of Fate (43 page)

So I’m stuck watching him from a distance, like I did with Jonah all those months ago. I watch him and worry about him and miss him so much it aches. And, as with Jonah before, I can tell Kellan isn’t happy: the smiles he gives others aren’t the ones I know to be real. They’re too bright, strained from trying too hard.

Three days before Jonah and Kellan’s eighteenth birthday and nearly a month before mine, I find Kellan at my locker during a passing period. It’s the first time he’s sought me out in months, and my heart goes berserk in so many conflicted, confused ways.

There is the obligatory small chitchat which has lately defined our relationship before he leans back against the lockers and stares straight ahead. “I was wondering if we maybe could talk about what’s happened.” He clears his throat uncomfortably. “Between us, I mean.”

I want to, desperately. I want answers probably just as much as he does. But, I’m also terrified of being alone with him. Being together during the Annar battle was one thing, especially since we had a common goal of ensuring Jonah’s safety. But here . . . now? What’s to stop me from doing something unbelievably stupid? I mean, something about this boy encouraged me to betray Jonah for a little over two months.

Even so, I agree to have the talk, because no matter what, I need this attempt at closure, too. But I still say to him, half-heartedly, “Are you sure you want to go through this again?”

He gives me a sad, rueful smile, not the beautiful, sarcastic one I’ve long loved. “Stupid, isn’t it?” He taps his forehead. “I get it, I really do—I mean, every day, I see you and Jonah and know, logically, how things are.” He looks away, tearing my heart away with his gaze. “But my heart hasn’t quite figured it out yet.”

Ohh . . . .

“I just think, maybe . . . if we really
talked
about it, maybe my heart will finally catch up with my mind. I figure it’s worth a chance. I mean, what else can I lose?”

I want to cry, admit to him that he hasn’t lost me—not entirely, at least. I may not be able to give him the relationship we once had, but I still need him. Want him. But I keep those messy thoughts and feelings in, even if he can sense them. Because we are in a crowded high-school hallway, and my boyfriend—his twin brother—is somewhere on the grounds nearby, and neither of us are willing to risk hurting him again.

“You know,” Cora says to me later, her phone out in her hands but tilted just enough away from me so I can’t see the screen, “I’m glad to report that Kellan is finally over you.”

We are standing in the same place where Kellan unequivocally told me a mere hour before that he is most definitely not over me. I shut my locker and turn to her. “Oh?”

She waits until she’s finished typing a message before answering. “Yeah. This past weekend, when I was in Annar—”

“Wait,” I say, holding a hand up. “You were in Annar this weekend? Why didn’t you come see me?” Me, who was also in Annar, trapped in some random, albeit swank, safe house. It doesn’t matter that Caleb and Jonah were with me—she should have called.

“I figured you and Jonah wanted time to yourselves. Anyway, the point is, I saw Kellan with some girl.”

“Some girl,” I repeat slowly.

“Yeah,” she says, eyes back down on her phone. She blushes and types out a message. I wait impatiently, tapping my foot before she glances back up. “As I was saying, he was with some girl. And they were, you know,
friendly
.”

I try not to grind my teeth. Which startles me, because, HELLO, this is actually good news, right?

“And I was told it’s not the first time, or first girl. He’s playing the field, and having a swell time doing it, I guess.”

And yet, I’ve begun to see red. “Why are you telling me this?”

“I thought you’d be happy. I mean, less guilt now, right?”

I want to strangle her. Truthfully, anyone would do, but I’d prefer it to be her. Rather than screaming at her for her oblivious idiocy, I instead demand shrilly, “Who in the hell are you texting so much lately, Cora?”

She doesn’t look up. Instead, a small, sly smile curves her lips. “Secrets are fun, aren’t they?”

“I think Cora has a secret boyfriend,” I grumble to Jonah as we get into the Hummer.

“And this pisses you off why?”

“Because she won’t tell me who it is!”

Karl and Jonah exchange an amused glance, which only further irritates me. I sulk in petulant silence for the next two miles before Jonah says, “So. You and Kellan are going to have a talk this afternoon.”

This
snaps me to attention. “How’d you know?”

“He told me a little while ago. I think it’s a good idea.”

“I was going to tell you,” I whisper as Karl conveniently turns up the volume on the radio. “Just as soon as we got to my house.”

Jonah looks out of the window on his side. “I know.”

It’s at times like this I resent his ability to read my emotions when I have to fight to figure out what he’s feeling. His face is neutral, his body fairly relaxed. But I know he can’t be happy about this. “He thinks it’ll help,” I whisper.

“He can think that,” Jonah says, so softly that I can’t even be sure these are the right words.

Kellan is already at the beach in his wetsuit, sitting in the sand and staring at the ocean. It’s bitterly cold outside; just to stay moderately warm, I’m forced to wear a knit hat and gloves as well as Jonah’s wool pea coat and my Uggs. I sit down next to him in the sand and together we watch the waves crash in front of us.

After a long while, he murmurs, “So.”

“So,” I repeat just as quietly.

Sand shifts through his fingers. “I’ve been really angry at you and Jonah for a while now.”

“You have every right to be angry at me,” I say, even though it hurts to hear this. “But please—don’t be mad at Jonah. He’s not at fault for any of this, and you know it.”

“Oh, Chloe,” Kellan says, laughing softly. “Don’t you understand? He had every opportunity for a year to tell me what was going on, and he didn’t. So yeah, I have every right to be mad at him, too.”

I sigh and pull my knees up under my chin. Rehashing the bad choices Jonah and I made will do none of us any good. I’m here to listen, the little voice sternly reminds me, to answer what Kellan asks, and to accept what he has to give, even if it ends up being nothing.

It takes him another few minutes to continue. “You know about Callie, right?”

I nod warily.

“I watched him with her for years. Until a few months ago, I’d thought I knew what Jonah was like with someone he loves. But . . . what he feels for you . . . .” More sand trickles through his fingers. “Let’s just say that I am very clear on what you two mean to each other. You are the most important person in his life, and not in just a typical high-school-crush sort of way, either. So, believe me when I say I
get
that. What I don’t get is how I can’t seem to let go of the feelings I have for you. But I’m trying, I want you to know that.”

It’s impossible to feel worse at this moment. I apologize, but he cuts me off. “I know, and to be fair, you’ve been pretty upfront about your feelings ever since you and Jonah got back together. I know it’s not like you two did this to hurt me.” He scoops big chunks of sand up in both hands and squeezes. “But . . . I thought that, given time, I’d move on. And it’s not happening, not like I want it to. So . . . I think maybe once we get to Annar, it’d be best if we just weren’t around each other anymore. It’s a little hard in high school, but maybe there, with you two on track for Council, and me for the Guard, there’s more room for space.”

I drop my head onto my knees so I don’t have to watch him tell me this. “You know I have to work with the Guard, too.”

“I know. But it’s logical that you’ll be paired up with Jonah.”

The little voice in the back of my mind is relieved. I’m not, though. I’m devastated by such a request. But I know I have to give this to him, because he’s asking, and because I love him enough to give him what he wants and needs. And if he needs me gone, if he wants the distance . . . I’d hoped we’d be friends. I hoped I could have that small bit.

“Can I ask you one thing, though?” he says.

I don’t look up, because breaking down while Giuliana is watching from her car in the parking lot would be a very bad thing. I’ve been around the Guard enough to know that this bit of juicy gossip would spread like wildfire within twenty-four hours. I mumble miserably, “Sure.”

“Is there anything left that you might have once felt for me? A part that belonged to
me
, if it ever did really exist?”

I’ve also been around two Emotionals long enough to know that he knows exactly how I’m feeling at the moment, and whether or not I still love him. He knows I do. I don’t get why he wants to hear it, though. Maybe to torture me . . . ?

Sometimes words are nice,
the little voice begrudgingly offers.
Words are tangible things to hold onto, even when a person is long gone.

“You know there is,” I finally tell him.

We sit in uncomfortable silence for another few minutes, Kellan continuing to sift sand slowly through his fingers, me gripping onto my knees in an effort to stay sane. When I can’t handle the hush any longer, I ask, in an effort to shift the conversation toward something not so painful, “Are you looking forward to Ascending in a few days on your birthday?”

He offers a humorless laugh. “I guess.”

I roll my head to the side so I can see him. “Jonah won’t let me get him a present. He says you guys never celebrate your birthday.”

“It’s hard to celebrate a day like that.”

“Your birthday?”

He gives me a confused look.

“Because . . . birthdays are . . . bad?”

“Hasn’t Jonah talked to you about this?”

It’s my turn to be confused.

Kellan shakes his head and looks away. “Our mom died on our fifth birthday.”

Whaaat? I knew she’d died when he was young, but on his birthday? “Jonah never told me this,” I finally manage. And just why hadn’t he? “Is it a secret?”

Kellan gives a short laugh. “If the Old Man had his way, it would be.”

“Meaning?”

“He blames us. Still.”

I can’t help but scoot closer. “That’s ridiculous. Why would he?”

“Maybe you should ask J,” Kellan offers.

“I’m asking
you.
”

He lets go of the sand and rubs his hands together. “My mother had taken us to the grocery store to buy stuff to make cakes. She always made each one of us a cake . . . just a little one, you know—that way, she said, we’d each have our own and not have to share.”

“That was very thoughtful,” I say, resisting the urge to put my arms around him in comfort.

His lower lip trembles for just a second. “She was really great, Chloe.”

“Of course she was,” I say, completely believing this. I mean, look at how wonderful her sons are. How could she not have been?

He smiles just a little, and I urge him to continue. “We were playing in the parking lot, like idiots, not really paying attention—and I guess a car was coming toward us that we didn’t see. She pushed us out of the way just in time, but it hit her. There were no Shamans in the area, my father was in Annar at the time, and I guess . . . I guess her injuries were enough to kill her.”

I don’t try to hide the tears this time.

He says, very, very softly, “We knew better than to play like that.”

“You were five,” I say, no longer resisting the urge to touch him. I lay a hand, just one, on his arm and squeeze gently. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t either of your faults.”

There’s another short, sad laugh before he takes a shuddery breath. “I’m going to have to concur with J on the no-birthday thing. Just let him have the day without making a big deal out of it.” He then sighs and moves his arm away from mine. “It’s too bad you can’t be there for Ascension; he’d probably really appreciate having you around.”

I quickly lace my fingers back together in front of me. “Will you be there for each other?”

“Sure. We’ll always have each other, especially on that day each year.”

Jonah and Kellan will have each other during Ascension, whether or not they’re angry with one another. I, like everyone else who isn’t a twin, will have no one. Ascending is a solitary process that pushes a Magical to their boundaries. If you bounce back, you’re good to go. If you crack . . . .

Well, I don’t really know what happens to those who crack, and Karl won’t tell me when I ask, since no one is allowed to talk about their Ascension experience. Each Ascension is unique and tailored specifically for the person going through the change.

It’s safe to say that I’ve begun praying that I won’t be part of the forty percent who cannot deal with their influx of power.

Karl was right—Jonah was upset when he initially heard I’d be Ascending early, which was ironic, as he’s set to do the same. He apparently already knew about the odds, which made it all the worse for him when it came to me. I listened to him and Karl argue about it, and then him and Zthane on the phone, but the decision was already made so there was nothing he could do to change it.

“It’ll be okay,” I tell him, right before he’s to leave for Annar for his own Ascension. “We’re going to be okay. Ascending will be a piece of cake. Just watch.”

He holds me closer, and I close my eyes when he presses his lips against my forehead. “I know.”

“Are you scared about tomorrow?” I feel his head turn against mine. “It’s ridiculous they won’t let me come, even if it’s to hang out in some safe house. I’d feel easier being close by, if something . . . if . . . .”

“I wish you could be nearby, too,” he murmurs. “But nothing will happen. It’s like you said: We’re going to be okay.”

A brief, horrible image flashes through my mind, of what would happen if something were to happen to him tomorrow morning. It would be bad, very bad . . . because I don’t know if I’d be able to control the grief. “Tell me what time again?”

“Two thirty-two in the morning.” The exact time of his birth—the very earliest second he can Ascend. “Promise me you won’t stay up all night worrying.”