A Matter of Choice (26 page)

Joshua glared at Archbite. “The
lady
you are talking about happens to be my wife.”

“That, Lord Montfort, is a regrettable fact. But hopefully one that can be rectified.”

“Get out.” Joshua’s temper teetered on the verge of exploding.

“I believe you were the one Lady Montfort asked to leave. Not I.”

He fisted his hands at his side, trying to keep from striking the pompous fool. Archbite’s leg was still bandaged, meaning his recovery from their duel had been slow, a thought he didn’t find disturbing. “I would not object to finishing the discussion we started near Miller’s Pond, Archbite. If that’s your intent.”

“No!”

Allison’s voice sliced through their argument, but neither man paid attention to her.

“Obviously that’s the only method you know when it comes to settling a dispute,” Archbite said. His shoulders lifted in a paltry show of bravery. “Perhaps if you would have had a little more consideration where your wife is concerned you would not be here begging her to take you back.”

He saw red. “You are hardly the person who should be concerned with my wife.”

“Someone has to be. Obviously, you’re not! The whole of London is abuzz with the scandal you and your paramour have created.”

“And of course, you consider it your duty to rush to my wife’s side to comfort her.”

“As a friend. Yes.”

“How convenient you now have an excuse to seduce another man’s wife.”

“Joshua! That’s enough.” The tone of her voice held a hint of desperation. Her words an entreaty.

“I am hardly here to seduce, Montfort. Simply to offer comfort. You are the expert in seduction, the one who inflicted such grievous injury.”

He would have struck Archbite except he made the mistake of glancing at Allison. Of watching the pained expression on her face deepen, the hurt in her eyes darken.

“My regret is that I was not successful in stopping you from marrying her in the first place,” Archbite continued. “That I was not able to keep you from sullying her good name and reputation.”

He wanted to kill him. It was all he could do to keep from wrapping his hands around Archbite’s neck and squeezing.

“Get out!” He took a step toward him. “Get out before I kill you!”

“I have no intention of—“

“Hartley!” Gray bellowed. “Get this pompous ass out of here.”

Allison’s brother wisely stepped through the doorway and stationed himself in front of Archbite. “I think it best if you brought your visit to an end, Lord Archbite. From now on, I will see to my sister’s welfare.”

Archbite gave Hartley a hostile glare, then turned to Allison. “If you will excuse me, my lady. I will call again tomorrow. If there is anything I can do in the meantime to ease your distress, please do not hesitate to call on me.”

Luckily, Allison didn’t give him an answer. All it would have taken was one kind word from her and Joshua would have bashed his fist into the bastard’s face. Especially when he couldn’t get his wife to even look at him.

Archbite stomped from the room, the uneven sound of his boots on the carpet thudding as he left. Hartley followed but stopped at the doorway. “Call if you need anything, Allie.” He left the door open.

For an agonizing eternity neither of them moved. They both stood a few feet from each other, yet to Joshua it seemed the distance could have been measured in miles. He kept his gaze on her, at the erratic rise and fall of her breasts, as if she had to remind herself to breathe. At the whitening of her knuckles clenched at her sides. At her pursed lips, her flushed cheeks, the worrisome frown that etched her forehead. But most of all, what disturbed him most was that she refused to look at him. She averted her gaze, looked around him, past him, through him to some obscure object on the other side of the room.

“Allie—“

She held up her fingers to silence him.

Her hand trembled. He closed the distance between them, aching to take her in his arms and comfort her. She stopped him by stepping away.

He raised his hands and lifted his palms outward in surrender then stepped back. She hurt too much to add to her misery. He held his ground, silently waiting for her to make the first move. Utter the first words.

It took a long time, but finally she did. And her words cut him to the quick.

“All I asked was that you not embarrass me in front of the
ton
. That you be content with me as your wife. As your…lover.”

“I am. You are all I want, Allison. The only woman I will ever—“

“No! Don’t say it. Don’t add more lies to your list of transgressions. It was obvious to me as well as everyone who saw you lying nearly naked on the settee that you were not content with me as either your wife. Or your lover.”

Her words stopped him short. For a long time he couldn’t breathe, let alone speak. When he did, his words seemed painfully inadequate.

“If I told you nothing happened?”

She glared at him with an icy stare then turned her back to him.

“In other words, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you that what you saw was not what it seemed?”

“Oh, Joshua! I’m not a fool! What is there to misunderstand about walking
in on my husband passed out on the sofa and his lover lying on top of him?”

She clamped her hand over her mouth to stifle a choked sob. “If there was any doubt as to what had happened between the two of you, it was erased when Lady Paxton rolled off your body with her breasts bared for the world to see.”

She swiped her fingers across her damp cheeks then spun around and glared at him.

“Dear God! How could you do this to me? To us? All I wanted was…” She stopped as if unable to go on.

“I know, Allison. A husband whose reputation was beyond reproach.”

“Yes! And I was a fool to think you could give it to me. That you were no longer the rake you’d been before we married and could be satisfied with just me. That you would not make me the object of ridicule.”

Allison clasped her hands around her middle and turned away from him. “I should have known when I saw the two of you together on the patio that night. I should have known I could not make you want me like you wanted her. I should have known…”

He struggled against the painful pressure that gripped his heart, the ache in his chest that hurt more with every word she said.

“I’ve already told you. It wasn’t like that. Lady Paxton means nothing to me. Nothing!” He stopped, ice water flowing through his veins. “But you aren’t going to believe me, are you? You’re going to choose to believe the worst.”

She swiped her fingers against her cheek again and he knew she’d lost the battle to hold back her tears.

“All I wanted was for you to want me. For me to be enough. I would have done anything, Joshua. Anything.”

“You were enough for me, Allie. You are. I never wanted more.”

“You must have.”

“Allison.” He reached out to her. He clasped her shoulders and held her tight.
She swung her arms, trying to slap his hands away, but he wouldn’t let her go. He didn’t want to lose her.

With a cry of frustration, she raised her fists and pounded them against his chest.
“Why, Joshua? Oh, why?”

He wanted to hold her to him, but this time she shoved him hard. Fire shot from her eyes and she glared at him with as much anger as he’d ever seen from her.

“Don’t touch me! I don’t ever want you to touch me again!”

He dropped his hands and stepped back. The heavy weight squeezed tighter inside his chest. “You don’t mean that. If you do, there is no hope for us. I will have lost everything.”

She looked at him, her eyes filled with the pain of struggling to understand the nightmare in which he’d forced her to live. And then her gaze cleared. “What is it you’re afraid you’ve lost, Joshua?”

Her voice held more bitterness than he thought she was capable of.

“Me?” she laughed. “Or your precious Graystone?”

He backed up, stunned. Surely she didn’t mean that. She couldn’t. “Graystone is not worth having if you’re not there to share it with me.”

He heard the small catch in her voice, the hurt and indecision. “A few days ago I would have given my life to hear you say that. Now, your promises are just words. Empty and false.”

Her words punched him in the gut with the force of a doubled fist. He evaluated what she truly meant, then forced himself to admit for the first time that he’d lost her.

“What if I told you that Lady Paxton drugged me to make it appear that we’d had an affair? That I believe my father devised the scheme to destroy me, and Lady Paxton helped him?”

She looked at him as if he’d just spoken blasphemy. “I would think you quite desperate if you had to make up such a preposterous story. And me quite a fool if you expect me to believe it.”

He felt the faint flicker of hope die. No matter what excuse he gave her, she wouldn’t believe him. Not after she’d seen Serena with him in the garden. And especially after the performance Serena had given the other night.

“Trust me. Please. Just long enough for me to prove I’m worthy of you.”

She shook her head.

“I love you, Allie.”

She turned on him. “Love! You don’t know the meaning of the word. If you did, you would have honored the vows we gave each other. You would have cared enough for me that you wouldn’t have made a mockery of our marriage. You would have given us a chance.”

“I have given us a chance, damn it! I didn’t do what you’re accusing me of. Just trust me enough to know that what you saw wasn’t my fault.”

She looked at him, the expression on her face, the longing in her eyes told him she wanted to. The tears rolling down her cheeks told him she couldn’t.

“I have to go now,” she said and walked past him to the door.

He wanted to reach out and stop her but he couldn’t. What more was there to say? How could he make her believe something he couldn’t prove? How could he hope to make their marriage work when her doubts were so plain to see? How could he ask her to trust him when in her eyes it had taken less than two months for him to be unfaithful to her?

“You aren’t going to give our marriage a chance, are you?” he asked when she reached the door.

She straightened. “I already did. You are the one who destroyed it.”

She sat on the cushioned window seat
staring out at the garden below but didn’t notice the blooming flowers or perfectly manicured bushes. How could she notice anything of beauty when her whole world had fallen apart? She’d managed each hour since she’d walked in on her husband and his lover as if in a fog, every part of her numb and unfeeling. If only she could release the flood of tears dammed behind her eyes until the pain inside her chest washed away. If only she could drown the hurt that at times had the power to take her to her knees. But she couldn’t.

There were no more tears to shed. Instead, she sat dry-eyed and emotionless, with her legs tucked beneath her and feigning interest in what was going on around her.

She had an open book in her lap but so far hadn’t read a word or even turned a page. Reading held as little interest as talking, or eating, or breathing. Or living.

A part of her died three nights ago and she doubted she could go on if her life contained this much pain. There was a void inside her chest, a gaping emptiness that took every ounce of her willpower to take another breath.

How could a heart that was dead keep on beating? Another painful ache knotted inside her and she pressed her hands against her chest, praying the hurt would go away. Knowing it wouldn’t.

She forced herself to focus on the garden outside. Birds still chirped, the sun still shone, and flowers still bloomed in riotous abundance, as if nothing disastrous had happened. As if this were a day as perfect as the days had been before he destroyed everything.

Oh, dear Lord, she wished she could cry. Wished she could scream and rant and rave at this cruel trick of fate. Wished she could strike out at him, yell at him. Make him hurt as much as she hurt. Break his heart as he’d broken hers.

She wished she had such power over him, but knew she didn’t. Doubted he even cared.

She leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes. Her sister’s words came back to haunt her. Her warnings that a man would make all kinds of promises when he was in dire need of the money you could give him. Promises he had no intention of keeping once your dowry was his.

How could she have been such a fool?

The door opened, but she didn’t have the energy to look to see who was there, nor did she care.

“I’ve brought you a tray with something to eat,” Lynette said, setting a pot of tea and some small sandwiches on the corner of the writing desk.

“Thank you, Lynette. I’ll eat something later.”