A Man to Believe In (17 page)

Now that she’d finally sat down, she realized how tired she was. One half of her yearned to go home and crawl into bed, but the other knew she was too keyed up from the excitement of the day to be able to sleep. Sitting back, she tucked her feet beneath her on the chair.

Years of planning and hard work had finally paid off. She was now the proud owner of her own business. It would still be a long while before she would feel financially secure, but she’d taken a giant step toward accomplishing that goal today.

Funny, but when she’d dreamed of this moment, and she had many times, she’d imagined a feeling of complete and total satisfaction. But that wasn’t the way she felt at all. Something was missing.

For the umpteenth time that day, she thought of Jake.

Each time the tiny bell above the door had tinkled, announcing the arrival or departure of a customer, Cori had looked up from whatever she’d been doing, hoping to see him walk in. When he hadn’t shown up by early afternoon, she’d told herself it was too soon to worry. His meeting was bound to take a couple of hours, and with travel time, it was unlikely he’d get there before three or four. But when five o’clock came and went, she started to worry.

Had he been in an accident? Not wanting to even consider that possibility, she told herself his meeting could have lasted most of the day, causing him to get stuck in rush hour traffic on the drive from San Diego. But why hadn’t he at least called her? she wondered, then reminded herself that the phone had been ringing off the hook all day long with friends calling to wish her luck, customers calling to inquire about a particular book. He probably couldn’t get through. Or maybe he hadn’t tried.

Perhaps her cheerful performance of the night before had been so darn successful that he’d gotten the impression his being there didn’t matter to her at all. If that was the case, she wanted to cry. Because that was exactly the impression she’d tried to give him.

Cori shook her head, thinking about what a fool she’d been. She’d tried so hard to prove to herself—and Jake—that she didn’t need anyone, she never even noticed how much she’d come to depend on him. And she wasn’t just thinking about all the physical labor he’d supplied so willingly. The emotional support he offered was worth even more.

Whenever she got discouraged—by delivery errors or electrical failures or just plain exhaustion—he boosted her spirits and kept her going, insisting there was a way around the current problem, brain-storming with her until they came up with a solution together.

And their celebrations … Her hands dangling over the ends of the plump arms of the chair, she heaved a sigh, remembering the hours they’d spent sharing the excitement of seeing her dream take shape one step at a time, drinking champagne toasts, making love. No matter how big or small the accomplishment, he’d been there to celebrate with her. Until today.

But he had an important meeting to attend, she reminded herself, thinking of the many people who depended on him, people who would be out of work right this minute if he’d postponed that meeting to be with her. He’d done the right thing in going to San Diego. But she was still devastated. She’d wanted—no,
needed
—him to be with her today, to share in the excitement. To celebrate.

Cori blinked, realizing that for the first time in more than a dozen years she didn’t feel a desperate
sense of panic when she thought of needing someone. And Jake
was
someone she needed. Not to run her life, as she’d accused him of trying to do a couple of weeks before, but to be with her and share in her happiness. She knew that now.

Glancing up, she caught sight of the figurine perched on the shelf behind the counter. Jake had surprised her with it one day last week. Made of china, it was a pair of clowns curled up in an overstuffed chair, reading a book. Together.

No wonder she felt something was missing. It was. And that something was Jake. He’d become as much a part of her life as her goal to own her own bookstore—and just as important.

Jake sat on the edge of the redwood planter, his forearms resting on his knees, hands clenched together so tightly his knuckles were white. For the tenth time he told himself to get up, go to the door, and get it over with.

He’d seen Cori’s last customer leave the store several minutes earlier, watched her close the blinds and dim most of the lights. He couldn’t put it off any longer; he had to go in and talk to her.

But this time he wasn’t wearing a clown costume. This time he wouldn’t resort to candy or balloons or giant stuffed animals to bribe her into listening to what he had to say. And he wouldn’t leave until he knew where he stood.

He’d given this a lot of thought. The drive back
from San Diego had been a hundred times worse than normal, with holiday shoppers adding to the already overcrowded freeways, and multivehicle accidents slowing traffic to a crawl so often he’d begun to wonder if he’d ever make it back to town. But the delays had given him plenty of time to think, and he’d decided he couldn’t go on this way, wondering if Cori cared, wondering if he meant anything at all to her.

He loved her. And until last night he’d been convinced she loved him as well. Now he wasn’t so sure. If she loved him, he’d asked himself over and over in the past several hours, why didn’t she care if he was there for her opening? Why hadn’t she shown even the smallest amount of disappointment that he’d had to miss her big day, a day they’d worked together to make happen?

If she loved him, why didn’t her dreams for the future include him?

Had she left him out of the rosy picture she’d painted because she didn’t want a future with
him
? Or was it because she couldn’t face the prospect of a future with
any
man? She had problems with commitment—he’d known that for some time now. But he didn’t know why, and he didn’t know if her feelings about the subject would ever change, and though she’d had more than one good opportunity to explain to him
why
the thought of a lifelong relationship frightened her so, she hadn’t, making him think that in addition to everything else, she didn’t trust him. It was as if she thought he wouldn’t understand
why she felt the way she did, that he couldn’t be trusted with her secrets. Maybe that’s what hurt him the most.

Jake stood up and walked to the door. So many questions, he thought, shaking his head. And only one way to find out the answers. He raised his hand and knocked on the door.

Cori had just finished closing out the register when she heard the knock. She went to the door and peeked out through the blinds. At first she thought she was imagining things, but then he smiled, a sheepish little half-smile she remembered from another time. He’d been standing outside her door late at night that time too, wearing that colorful clown costume, his arms filled to overflowing with gifts. She threw back the deadbolt and opened the door.

“Jake?” He looked exhausted. His once-starched dress shirt was rumpled, and his hair looked as though he’d been running his fingers through it all the way back from San Diego.

“I tried to get here sooner, but—”

“It doesn’t matter,” she said, closing the door behind him.

Jake felt his heart fall to his stomach. He was right. She didn’t care.

Then she took his hand and led him to the reading area. Placing her hands on his shoulders, she pushed down until he was forced to sit. For a second he thought she might be going to read him the riot act for showing up at all, but to his surprise, she sat
down on his lap, took his face in her hands, and brought her lips to his for the sweetest kiss he’d ever experienced in his entire life.

“All that matters,” she said, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears, “is that you’re here now.”

Relief flooded through him, and for a moment Jake forgot his doubts, forgot about the questions that had been tying him in knots for hours. All he could think about was that she cared, and that if there was a chance she could learn to trust him, he was willing to wait, no matter how long it took.

He cradled her in his arms, holding her tight, running his hands over the sweater-dress hugging her curves and wishing he could make love to her right then, on the floor, the way they’d done so many times in the past two weeks. But there was something else they had to do first. They had to talk. Reluctantly, he pulled her arms from around his neck and held her away from him so he could see her face.

“I missed you today,” he told her. Fearing the worst, he held his breath and waited for her response.

Cori thought of the many times she’d wanted to squeeze his hand and share the excitement of the day. She thought of the compliments she’d received about the store, and that so many of them belonged to Jake and the ideas he’d come up with. And she thought about the loneliness she’d felt knowing he was miles away from her on such an important day in her life. Tears welled up in her eyes.

“I missed you too,” she told him, running the back
of her hand over his cheek. “You should have been here. It was so exciting.”

She opened her mouth to fill him in on what he’d missed, then decided so much had happened, she couldn’t begin to cover it all right then. Besides, she’d have plenty of time to tell him stories … if he still wanted to listen to her after she said what she really needed to say.

She took a deep breath, hoping he still cared enough to listen. “Jake, I have something I have to tell you.”

Jake stiffened, wondering if he really wanted to hear what she was going to say. Then he reminded himself that he’d been determined to settle things between them tonight, no matter which way it went.

“Go ahead,” he said as he draped his arm across her thighs, thinking of keeping her in his lap for as long as possible.

“I wasn’t honest with you last night.”

He drew his brows together into a frown. “About what?”

“About the way I reacted when you told me about your meeting today. I told you I didn’t really expect you to be here, and that wasn’t true. It wasn’t true at all.”

“Then why did you say it?”

Stalling, Cori toyed with the top button of his shirt. “Because I was devastated that you were going to miss my opening, and all I could think about was that it wasn’t
supposed
to matter so much to me. I wasn’t supposed to
need
you here. But it did matter. I did need you. And I was so afraid of that need.”

Jake hugged her close, rubbing her back, wishing there were a way for him to erase all her fears.

“After my father died,” she continued, “I watched my mother try to get by on her own. But she’d always had a man to depend on, and she’d never learned how to take care of herself. We barely managed to have food on the table and a roof over our heads. Finally, she gave up trying to provide for us. She married a man she met in the checkout line at the supermarket, just because he had a steady job and was willing to take care of us. She didn’t love him, he wasn’t even very nice to her, or to me, and eventually he left us. She married another man a few months later.”

Cori closed her eyes briefly before continuing. “My mother married husband number six about a year ago. That’s her pattern. When one man leaves, she goes out and finds another, because she doesn’t know how to get along without a man.”

“And you weren’t going to let that happen to you,” Jake said, finally understanding the reason she’d never wanted to need anyone, why she was so afraid of commitment.

Cori shook her head. “I’ve been so afraid of being abandoned that I never let myself become dependent on a man. Until I met you.”

“A take-charge kind of guy who’s always stepping on your toes. How come you put up with me all this time?”

“Because you’re a good man, Jake, and you aren’t like all those men my mother married.” She freed the
button she’d been playing with from its hole, then reached for the next one. “And because I love you.”

Jake grinned. She loved him, and hearing her say it made all the difference in the world. He felt relaxed for the first time since he’d walked in the door.

“And I have something else to confess.”

“What’s that?” he said, not really worried about whatever it was she was about to tell him now. They loved each other, and no matter what happened, they’d work things through together. He was more concerned with the fact that she’d gotten the drop on him—she’d managed to unbutton his shirt without him even noticing. Not one to be left behind, he started on the top button of her sweater-dress. It was soft and had far too many tiny pearl buttons, all the way down the front. He wondered if his fingers would manage to get them all undone before his patience ran out.

“All this time we’ve been together,” she said, “I’ve been afraid to let myself really love you because I was afraid that someday you’d leave me.”

His fingers froze on the fourth button from the top. “Cori—”

“I don’t think I could live without you.”

“You won’t ever have to.” To emphasize his words, he placed his hands on her shoulders and held on tight. “This is me, Jake Tanner. Mr. You-Can-Count-on-Me-Anytime. Don’t you know that yet?”

Cori smiled. “I know,” she said. “But the truth is, I’m still a little afraid of what would happen if I ever lost you. But I’m willing to risk it. Because I love you, and I want to be with you—for as long as possible.”

For as long as possible?
Jake stood up, taking her
with him, and set her on her feet. “Cori, does that mean you might want to get married someday?”

Smiling, Cori nodded, then drew his shirt down over his shoulders and tossed it on the floor. “Someday,” she said, reaching for his belt. “Soon.”

“How soon?” he asked, finding it hard to concentrate on all those damn buttons when she was slowly unzipping his pants.

“Real soon.” A minute later he was stark naked. And he’d barely started on her clothes. “You’re falling behind, Tanner.”

Jake bent down and grabbed hold of the hem of her sweater-dress, drew it up over her head, then flung it behind him. It landed in a fluffy blue pile on the floor in front of the self-help books. A second later it was joined by her underthings, and she was naked too.