A Maggot - John Fowles (53 page)

Q. To my point. Believe you, before you had left
London, his Lordship had made especial enquiry to find if you were
apt to his purpose, to wit, you would quit the bagnio if you might?

A. I had no inkling before the temple.

Q. Must he none the less not have discovered such?
Were you not chosen, mistress, take that how you will?

A. I was saved, not chosen.

Q. That is one. You must be chosen to be saved.

A. I knew not one nor t'other then.

Q. Very well, let this rest for now. I will follow
where you'd lead me with your damning. May man and woman not dwell
sometimes in the flesh, if they be lawfully wed? Why answer you not?
Come, are they not enjoined to procreate?

A. They shall not live in June Eternal.

Q. Did you not say you saw children there?

A. Of the spirit. They were not carnal flesh, as us.
Thee'd scorn we do abhor all sin of the flesh, and would cross it. I
tell thee all I saw there in June Eternal were spirits of they

who did fight while they lived against this evil sin,
and are now rewarded. In their reward lies holy proof of what we
believe.

Q. Is this the doctrine of the French Prophets?

A. And of Christ beside, that married not.

Q. All pleasure of the flesh is sinful?

A. Most this one, it is the source of all sin else.
Unless we cross it, we shall not be saved.

Q. I ask again, mistress. Is your man one with you in
this, or the rather, not one?

A. I'll answer thee again. 'Tis between Christ and
us, 'tis not thy business.

Q. Why should you not answer, Yes, he agrees, we live
in Christ? Is it this, you may not agree? (Non respondet.) Very well,
let your silence speak for you. What make you now of his Lordship's
part in your story? Why think you he should choose you? Why, of all
others he might have saved, if it were his purpose, did he come to
you, and none other?

A. I was in need.

Q. Are others not in as great a need, and far the
less sinners?

A. What I was is ashes, it is punishment for my long
and wilful blindness.

Q. That answers not my question.

A. Christ's mercy comes oft where it seems least
deserved.

Q. There I'll not dispute, mistress.

A. It cannot be for what I was, nor what I am, tho'
that is better than what I was. It shall be for what I do.

Q. What shall you do?

A. What women are in this world to do, whether they
will it or not.

Q. All this has taken place that you may be by child?

A. The child I bear is but the carnal sign.

Q. Sign of what?

A. More light and more love.

Q. The child shall bring them, or you by giving it
birth shall do so?

A. She shall bring the more.

Q. What, are you so certain she shall be of your sex?
Answer.

A. I cannot, in thy alphabet.

Q. Mistress, there is one and one only alphabet, that
is plain English. How are you certain of this?

A. I know not, save I am.

Q. And when she is grown, I doubt not she shall
preach and prophesy.

A. She shall be handmaid to Holy Mother Wisdom.

Q. Is it not to a most wicked and blasphemous greater
station still that you aspire for her? (Non respondet.) Have I not
plumbed thy depths? Is it not so among thy prophets? Do they not most
impiously assever that when Christ is come again, He shall be changed
to woman? May God forgive me for uttering the very thought, dost thee
not in secret believe there is now carried in thy womb such a
woman-Christ?

A. No, no, I swear no, I am not so vain, I have never
said this, even to my inmost heart.

Q. Said it, thou mayst not. I wager thou'st thought
it.

A. No, I say no. How should such a one come from so
great a sinner?

Q. How indeed, unless she believed herself grown
saint - as well she might, having been vouchsafed to meet God and His
Son, and the Holy Spirit beside. Do you deny that by your prophetick
lights such a Christ in petticoats may come?

A. I deny with all my soul I have believed it she I
carry.

Q. Be not so modest, mistress. You have been honoured
by the most high. Why should you not believe a diviner seed than that
of Dick at work inside you?

A. Thee would snare me. Thee knows not what it is to
be woman.

Q. I have a wife, and two daughters both older than
you, and grand-daughters beside. What is woman? Mistress, i have
heard that riddle, and had it answered.

A. No riddle. As I was used when whore, so I may be
used still. And all women beside.

Q. How, all women are whores?

A. Whores in this. We may not say what we believe,
nor say what we think, for fear we be mocked because we are women. If
men think a thing be so, so must it be, we must obey. I speak not of
thee alone, it is so with all men, and everywhere. Holy Mother Wisdom
is not heard nor seen, nor what she might bring if she were let.

Q. What she would bring, we'll pass. I'd know what
you would bring in the womb, mistress.

A. She I carry, yea, she shall be more than I, I am
but brought to bring her. That she shall be Jesus Christ who comes, I
say I am not worthy, nor so vain. Whoever she shall be, I shall not
weep, no, but shall thank the Lord with all my heart I was given her.
And 'tis time I tell thee this more. His Lordship was not lord in
this world alone, but in a far greater, that he must conceal. What I
took as his cruelty was his kindness, tho' I saw it not at the first,
and sign also he saw this world's people do live in the night of
Antichrist. He spake most often in such a manner he might not be
obliged to say what he was, unless to those that grace awakened. Yea,
he was as one that finds himself in a country at war with his own,
where he must dissemble his true allegiance; yet would not hide all,
to those he might trust or had hope in. Mistake not, I do not say he
was He of the Book. I say he was of His spirit, and both spake and
did for Him, in His name. I spake this yesterday of his Lordship and
his man, how in much they seemed as one. And now do I see they were
as one in truth, Dick of the carnal and imperfect body, his Lordship
of the spirit; such twin natures as we all must hold, in them made
outward and a seeming two. And as Jesus Christ's body must die upon
the Cross, so must this latterday earthly self, poor unregenerate
Dick, die so the other half be saved. I tell thee now again I believe
that other self shall be seen no more upon this earth, no not ever as
he has been; yet is he not dead, but lives in June Eternal, and is
one with Jesus Christ, as I saw. There, I have said it plain, too
short and plain, and thee will not believe.

Q. You say, his Lordship was carried away upon this
maggotmachine, it was sent divinely to bear him from this world?

A. Yes.

Q. Despite he first hired you and set you to great
lewdness?

A. So I might see there lay the road to Hell. He took
no part nor pleasure in it.

Q. Despite his other self, this carnal self you speak
of, this brute Dick, did take such pleasure?

A. For which he must die. It became not, after that
first, base or lewd pleasure; but as I said, pity and affection,
which it surprised me I felt so strong, as I said; and could not
understand it should be thus. Now I know he who wept in my arms was
the fallen half, the flesh, the shadow beneath the light, and
suffered in such knowledge; so Christ, when He cried was forsaken.

Q. Despite most of all, that none other has seen this
in them? I gave you truth there, mistress. The master disdainful of
all expected of his noble rank, disobedient of his gracious father,
disrespectful of God, rebellious to family duty, the servant closer
kin to a beast than to a human being; so might be said of them, so
were they to all the world save you.

A. I care not what other people believed. I know only
what I believe myself; and shall do, till I die.

Q. You say his Lordship must conceal, he must
dissemble his true allegiance, to wit that he is, or was, of the
spirit of the Redeemer. How is this, mistress? Is it so Our Lord
conducted himself - did He not most eximiously hold truth above all
else? Why, does the Evangel ever bear report of Him concealing and
dissembling, like some two-faced spy in fear for his own skin? What
say you to that? Is it not blasphemy even to think it?

A. The Pharisees are grown strong.

Q. What mean you by that?

A. Christ cannot come as He would to this world, it
is too dark with sin. He shall come when it is purged of Antichrist,
in all His glory. In these presents He should be crucified again, if
He were known to be among us, and did teach as He taught before; and
the more so, should He come as woman. All would be as thee, and put
him to mock and scorn, crying that God cannot partake of the sex of
Eve, it is blasphemy. He shall come when Christians are grown true
Christians again, as they were at the first. Then shall He come as He
is, or She as She is.

Q. Meanwhile there are ventured only surrogates and
agents, is it so?

A. Thee'd see all by this world's lights. Hast thee
not read the Apostles? Except a man be born again, he cannot see the
kingdom of God. Things seen are temporal; unseen, is eternal. Faith
is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not
seen. So did God frame this world. Thee'd keep me still cunning
harlot, thee'd keep his Lordship still disobedient son, and Dick,
mere beast. If so thee see, so it must be, thee cannot change. Once
only born, thee must live by thy lights, willy-nilly.

Q. Mistress, this stinks of rank pride, for all your
face of humility.

A. I am proud in Christ, but naught else. I will
speak for His light, notwithstanding I speak it ill.

Q. And in defiance of all common and prescribed
belief?

A. Christ's kingdom is not must. If a thing must be,
it is not of Christ. A harlot must be always harlot, is not Christ.
Man must rule always over woman, is not Christ. Children must starve,
is not Christ. All must suffer for what they are born, is not Christ.
No must by this world's lights is Christ. It is darkness, 'tis the
sepulchre this world doth lie in for its sins.

Q. Now you would deny the very heart of Christianity.
Doth the sacred Bible not prescribe our duty, what we must do?

A. It tells what it is best we do, not what we must;
for many do not do it.

Q. Must we not obey Christ?

A. If first we are free not to obey Him; for He would
have us choose Him freely, therefore we must be free also to choose
evil and sin and darkness. There is no must in that. So have I heard
Brother Wardley speak. Christ dwells always in tomorrow, in hope
however much we sin and are blind today, tomorrow the scales shall
drop and we be saved. And further, how all His divine power and His
mystery must lie in this, that He tells us man may change of his own
will; and by His grace, so be redeemed.

Q. This your belief you have taken of Wardley?

A. Also of my own mind, when I look upon my past
life, and this present.

Q. Does not this belief, that man may change, the
which any reasonable man may approve in matters of the soul and its
redemption, not show itself a most opprobious and dangerous principle
when it is carried into matters of this world? Must it not lead to
civil war and revolution, to the upsetting of all lawful order? Does
it not become the most wicked notion that every man must change, and
be brought to his change by bloody force and cruel tumult if he will
not do so of his own free will?

A. Such change is not of Christ. Even though it be
done in His name.

Q, Is not this why the Prophets have parted company
with the Quakers - who will not take sword in hand for their beliefs?

A. 'Tis no more true than wheaten bread is brown. We
would conquer by our faith and by persuasion alone; not by the sword.
Such is not Christ's way.

Q. Then now you deny Wardley. For yesterday he did
proclaim to me he would go sword in hand against those who did not
believe as he did; and made other contumacious threats upon the
present government of this nation.

A. He is man.

Q. And seditious.

A. I know him better than thee. Among his own, he is
kind and compassionate. And of good sense, except where he is
threatened by persecution.

Q. I tell thee, he has no good sense, and one day
soon shall suffer for it. No matter, enough of thy sermoning. Let us
come now to Dick. You would make more of him than any who knew him
before. Do you say behind his outward there was hidden one less
lacking?

A. He did suffer for what he was, he was no beast in
that.

Q. Do you say as much, he understood far better than
most supposed?

A. He understood he was fallen.