A Love Worth Waiting For and Heaven Knows (26 page)

“She's working for me, that's all. Don't go reading something into nothing.” John felt his face heat up a few degrees. “She's in a lot of trouble. I want to help her. That's it. That's all. End of story.”

“Sure it is. Anyone with eyes can see that. Hey, don't get so bent out of shape. I've known you a long time, John. I know how hard you took Bobbie's death. I'm not saying you shouldn't grieve, but it's been too long. Maybe you oughta think about that.”

“Don't need to.” Not even Cam understood.

“I've got civic duties to perform. Laws to uphold, and all that.” Cam headed for the door.

The bell jangled, and he was alone. Alone with a knotted-up stomach and this strange horrible feeling right smack-dab in the center of his chest.

Cameron was wrong. John didn't feel anything for Alexandra. It wasn't like that.

He couldn't afford to feel too much at all.

Holding down the guilt, shutting off his emotions, he crossed the alley to the warehouse and went in search of a U-joint. It was tough to find the part. He really had to search since his mind was on Alexandra.

She sure could stir him up. Maybe because she needed him and his protection, and that made him feel worthy for the first time in a long while. Since Bobbie was alive.

His knuckles collided with the hard plane of the wood door, sending sharp streaks of pain into the bones. He'd missed the doorknob entirely—probably because he couldn't see.

Thinking of Bobbie and how he failed her could bring him to his knees. Steal the vision from his eyes. The warmth from his soul.
Inadequate
wasn't the word. Neither was
failure.
He could see it over and over again—her glove slipping, feeling the leather stretch to the breaking point, knowing that she was going to fall three thousand feet down the face of the mountainside.

Lord, I failed her. You put her into my care, and I messed up. More than anyone ever could. I failed.
His forehead smacked against the door, something solid to cling to when it felt as if God wasn't answering.

John knew one thing for certain—for whatever reason, God had guided Alexandra to him and the shelter of his family. For as long as she needed it, he would be there.

This time he would not fail.

 

“Where is that granddaughter of mine?” Bev whipped off her glasses with her free hand as she
marched up the path to the back deck. “I swear, summer came early and with a vengeance. Whew, is it hot. I'm going to put this in the refrigerator and help myself to some tea.”

“Let me get that for you.” Alexandra clipped the safety catch on the pruning shears she'd found in a dusty corner of the outside shed. “And since I'm going in that direction, hand over the sack, too. I'll take it in.”

“What a dear you are. There are a few leftovers from my Ladies' Aid meeting. We had a potluck. Hmm, it was good.” Bev gladly relinquished the heavy grocery bag. “How's the puppy working out?”

“Terrible. It was such a mistake.” Alexandra bit her lip when Hailey's shriek of delight and a puppy's happy yip sounded on the other side of the house.

“So I see.” Bev dropped her purse on the table, eyeing the tall, overgrown bushes alongside part of the deck with obvious speculation. “Glad to see someone's finally dealing with those roses. They're beautiful, and John can't keep up with them.”

“Just doing what I can while I'm here.” Alexandra peeked into the sack and spotted several plastic containers. “This is enough for a couple of meals.”

“Thought you could use some help. Hailey is a handful.” Sparkling with grandmotherly love, Bev caught sight of her granddaughter. “Oh, excuse me. I've got to hug my girl.”

“Sure.” Alexandra's throat ached as she stepped away. There was something that hurt inside her as she saw Bev hurry down the steps and across the grass, arms held wide.

“Grammy!” Hailey sparkled like the brightest star in the heavens as she ran, tumbling into her grandmother's arms. “Alexandra and me, we went shoppin' for my puppy. And we got to take her right into the store and everything!”

“Is that right? Let's see this puppy of yours.” Bev took Hailey's hand, turning toward the little black dog bounding through the grass toward them.

More than anything, Alexandra wanted a life like this. With all that she was, all that she would be, she wanted to step into a world like this. Be a part of a family this openly affectionate and accepting. Where love—and spirits—flourished.

Bev knelt to meet her new grandpuppy, her happy chuckle of delight blending with Hailey's as the dog leaped and licked and wiggled. This was such a safe place, but it felt like a fairy tale. Something Alexandra had read about, and she was glad the heroine in the story found true happiness and love. But after Alexandra closed the book, she was still in her own world. Alone. Not at all sure if she could find the same joy or if she deserved it.

Remember the verse from Jeremiah? She had hope and a future. She had to cling to that. To believe good things were possible.

But the past clung to her like a shadow. Her mother's words and Patrick's polite, very gradual control. Odd how he'd often said the same thing to her, how lucky she was that he'd fallen in love with her. In all her twenty-four years, no one else had. Don't think about the past, Alexandra. Or those harsh, painful words Patrick had said to her. The ones that made her feel smaller, less worthy, less everything.

But here, she felt different. Renewed. The bright cheerful sounds of Hailey's laughter flitted on the wind into the kitchen. Bev's genteel alto voice answered, and the puppy yipped, bringing her back to the present.

“Hey.” A man's voice startled her. “Come in. Earth to Alexandra.”

“John.” She almost dropped the plastic glass she was holding.

There he was, too handsome to look at, even in a simple blue striped seersucker shirt, tucked into comfortable-looking, wash-worn jeans. The sight of him took her breath away. Made her wonder what it would be like to let those rock-solid arms fold around her. Made her wish she had the chance to know the feel of his comfort, his strength and his heartbeat against her cheek.

“Want a glass of iced tea?” It was all she could think of to say, which was better than blurting out what she was really thinking—now there's a good-looking man.

“Sure, but you don't have to wait on me. Here, let me help.” He took the glass, his big callused fingers closing over hers, leaving her breathless and trembling and feeling so incredibly female against his masculine strength. He towered over her as he used the ice maker in the refrigerator door. “Did Hailey make you max out my card at the pet store?”

“We did our best.” Taking Hailey to the pet store was another memory she'd tucked into her heart. They were three females on the loose—including the puppy—going up and down the aisles searching for everything they wanted, and a lot of stuff they didn't need. “Hailey is a serious shopper. When she gets to be a teenager, watch out.”

“Don't I know it? Mom has taught Hailey everything she knows. Which is, the more the merrier, and you can't have enough shoes.”

“At least Bev's trained her right.”

John filled a third glass and didn't move aside when Alexandra sidled up to him to open the refrigerator door. They were so close, all she would have to do was reach out and her hand would brush his arm. She would feel that connection, that unique, strengthening power that made her heart soar.

Unaware, John slid the last glass on the counter. “Let me.” He reached in front of her, his arm muscled and rock-hard, brushing against her forearm as he lifted the pitcher right out of her
hands. “I heard Cameron came out to see you today. Did he treat you right?”

“He sure did.” It was impossible not to notice the caring in his voice. “Cameron promised he'd watch the traffic coming through town for me.”

“It's a small town. It wouldn't be too hard to spot a stranger matching Patrick's description. We're here if you need us.”

“You're going beyond the call of duty to help me. I don't know why, but I appreciate it. I really do.”

“What's the mystery? You need help, and we're helping you.” John said the words lightly. He pushed his feelings deeper inside where he couldn't feel them and didn't need to wonder what they meant. Didn't need to admit he admired her more with every day that passed. Admired her? Well, it was more than that.

Alexandra stood off to the side with her arms wrapped around her middle, looking so alone. Her chin was up, her spine stiff. She looked ready for a fight. Ready to stand up for herself. Such a frail woman, petite and wispy and as lean as a willow, but there was strength in her. He could see it.

Whatever hardship she was running from, she would recover. She'd come back from it. He
knew
it, down deep. Maybe here could be a resting place for her. He liked knowing that he'd helped to make that possible. That he'd made a difference for her.

She could stay here all summer. No reason why she couldn't. She could watch Hailey full-time and ferry her around to her hundred thousand lessons and social appointments. And then, every evening when he came home from work, he'd have the chance to see her. She was so beautiful and alone and vulnerable, and when he looked at her he saw a future for the first time—

Whoa. Hold on, John. You can't go thinking like that. Pain arrowed through him, deep enough to rock his soul. He thought of Bobbie, laid to rest in the town cemetery and the day he'd buried her in a white coffin. Of three days before when he'd held her lifeless hand in the helicopter, while his friends did everything they could to try and keep her heart beating, to give her the chance at life.

And failed. How the flat line went forever on the monitor, and the nurse put her face in her hands and wept. Everyone said it wasn't his fault. He'd done everything he could to save her.

No one knew that when she'd been falling to her death, she'd locked her gaze on his. Not looking down, but up at him. She'd always looked up to him, always told him he was her very own hero come to life.

Hero? He'd been the worst failure. The worst sort of man that day, who hadn't been strong enough.

He didn't know if he was any stronger now. “I hope you're not getting tired of us already. I told
you it was tough being around us. It was Hailey, wasn't it? She wore you out shopping. Made you afraid to hang around and spend the summer with her.”

“That was it. Shopping with Hailey and her puppy was the toughest job I've ever had. No one should be made to work under such conditions. Laughter. Giggling. The puppy to snuggle. Ice cream afterward.”

“Torture by chocolate. It happens. I get too much of it here. There ought to be a law against that kind of abuse. A person can only take so much fudge sauce.”

“Exactly. I'm going to report you to your cop friend. Tell him about the laughter in this house.”

“Scandalous. The neighbors complain.”

“The neighbors are a couple of miles away.”

“Yep. With the wild social life I lead, the noise carries a far distance.”

“Right. Hailey says you only date the TV.”

“My affection for baseball is only surpassed by my obsession with football, but I'm not ashamed to admit it.”

“That's the first step toward recovery.” Alexandra snatched two of the glasses, leaving him one.

“You don't approve of sports?”

“Sure, I love them. I'm not sure I approve of sitting on the couch instead of being outside where you can actually participate in a sport.”

“You think I'm a couch potato, is that it?”

“You sure look like one to me.” He looked about as soft as a hunk of steel, but she didn't need to tell him that. “A serious couch potato. One that's growing roots right into the sofa cushion.”

“Yeah? I suppose it takes one to know one.”

“What does that mean?” She waited while he opened the screen door. “You think I look like a couch potato?”

“If the sofa fits…”

“I'll have you know I have plenty of outdoor activities. I hike.”

“No kidding?” All at once the shutters were down, as John led the way onto the deck. There was a spring to his step, a liveliness that made the shadows in his eyes fade away, like morning mist giving way to the sun. “Me, too.

“The guide I gave you ought to lead you to some great trails in this part of Montana, not just at Yellowstone. But since you're not hanging around, I guess you'll just have to suffer without seeing some of the best backcountry you'll probably see.”

“You're trying to tempt me with promises of great natural beauty.”

“Sure. It takes a hiker to know one. The question is, can you resist?” John set his glass on the wrought-iron table in the umbrella's shade. “Hailey and I always take a trip when school lets out. We
head up into the backcountry and spend the night. Why don't you come with us?”

“You really know how to tempt a girl.”

“Then you'd be interested?”

“If the terms were right.” She flashed him one of her pretty smiles as she swished away.

Marriage is like this. John wished the thought away, but it remained, steady like a light always burning and as sure as a new day dawning. He'd missed the companionship, the talk and the ease of being with another person who accepted you.

Except this wasn't a marriage; this was only reminding him of that amazing time in his life. That once-in-a-lifetime place, and he had no business confusing Alexandra's friendship with his longing for a wife. To be married again. To have a woman at his side.

Alexandra made him think about what he could never have again. That's what this hard, sharp feeling was in his chest. The longing for a wife one day—the one thing he could never deserve.