A Love Like This (38 page)

I leaned against the wall in the hallway, my
legs straight, propping me up. “I don’t know. Maybe,” I murmured
more softly, fear skittering across my skin like electricity.
“Maybe something happened. I can’t call the cops until tomorrow
night. She has to be gone for twenty-four hours before they’ll do
anything.”

“Julia isn’t stupid. She wouldn’t put
herself in danger.”

“Neither one of us are thinking clearly
right now, Jen,” I said tiredly.

“I’ll try to call her, Ryan, okay? If she’s
just pissed at you, maybe she’ll talk to me.”

My head fell forward, and I slid down the
wall to the floor, resting the arm not holding the phone across my
bent knee. “Thanks. I think I’ll call her parents. It’s earlier on
the West Coast.”

“Let me know if you hear something, and I’ll
do the same.”

I called her dad first. I hesitated to talk
to her mom, because I didn’t want to worry them needlessly, but who
the hell knew what was going on?

An hour later, I’d spoken to both of her
parents and only succeeded in making her mother hysterical. Neither
of them had heard from her since Christmas, either. What the hell
was going on? I poured three fingers of scotch into a glass and
slammed it and then refilled the glass.

It had been two hours since I’d found her
gone. It finally dawned on me to check to see if any of her clothes
were missing. At least, if she took some of her things, I could be
more certain that she wasn’t hurt or worse.

I flipped on the light in the closet. Julia
had a lot of clothes, and it was difficult to notice any
difference. I looked on the top shelves where the suitcases were
stored. Mine was there, hers wasn’t.
She left me.
My mind
couldn’t wrap around the concept. It just wasn’t possible, but it
was better than the alternative that she was raped, or worse, lying
in some alley somewhere. If it were work-related she would tell me
so; there really was only one other possibility.

It really hit me.
Julia left me
.
Something I never even considered possible.

I stopped and ran a hand over my face,
scrubbing at the stubble on my jaw with my fingers. It felt like my
heart had fallen out of my chest and was lying at my feet, but at
the same time, like it would explode and blow my whole body apart.
I struggled to breathe as iron bands tightened around my chest. For
five seconds, I hesitated, then I kicked into overdrive, pulling on
a sweatshirt and shoving my feet in my Nikes without socks. I
grabbed my keys and pulled on my coat, rushing from the apartment,
phone in hand. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I had to
look for her. The next thing I knew, I was driving aimlessly around
the city, racking up a hundred and fifty dollars of 411 calls for
the numbers of every hotel I could think of. I went into four that
were closest to her office, but each time the staff looked at me as
if I was crazy and shook their heads when I gave them Julia’s
name.

“I’m sorry sir, we aren’t at liberty to
share personal information of our guests.” They all had the same
answer.

“Look, I can’t find my wife. You don’t have
to tell me which room number. I just want to know she’s safe,” I
told the last one, desperation lacing my voice. I could feel my
eyes burning and my throat constricting as I pleaded with him.
“
Please
.”

He looked nervously around the lush lobby to
see who was watching him. Under normal circumstances, she’d never
choose this hotel given our budget, but if she was upset enough to
leave me, then all bets were off. The man nodded, his face
sympathetic. “We don’t have any Julia Matthews staying with us,
sir. I’m sorry.”

“What about Abbott? Julia Abbott?”

He punched a few keys on his computer and
sadly shook his head. “No, I’m sorry.”

My heart fell and I patted the marble on top
of the concierge counter once.

“Okay, thanks, man.” There was a parking
ticket stuck to the window of my CRV, and I ripped it from under
the windshield and shoved it in my pocket.

“Really? In the middle of the fucking
night?” I murmured, but this wasn’t Boston. It was Manhattan and
everything was different here. Suddenly, I hated New York; hated
what being here had done to us.

I got back in the car and headed toward
Brooklyn. Maybe she’d gone there since it was where we were
thinking of buying a house. As the night faded into the pinkish
purple morning, I’d made no more progress. I almost fell asleep at
the wheel. I finally pulled over when I swerved into another lane
and the honking of the oncoming cars jerked me alert.

I parked in the small parking lot of a 7-11
and started making calls instead. My eyes burned and my head
throbbed like a son-of-a-bitch. Two hours later, I couldn’t think
of any more hotels and had called Julia twenty more times with the
same results: voicemail.

I hammered the steering wheel five times; so
hard that the heel of my hand started to burn as blood rushed under
my skin forming a deep purple bruise. I felt completely helpless
not being able to reach Julia and know she was safe. It didn’t
matter that we were fighting. She could yell and scream or give me
the cold shoulder, but I would have bet my life that she’d never
leave me. I wrapped my arms around the steering wheel and closed my
eyes, unable to hold it in anymore. The first tear or two squeezed
silently from my closed eyes, and then I started to sob quietly.
This whole thing was so fucking unreal. It couldn’t be
happening.

My left hand was still clutching my phone so
tightly that my knuckles turned white. I pushed at the tears on my
face with my injured right one. I dialed the hospital HR and told
them I was sick. There was no fucking way I could work today. I was
so physically and mentally exhausted. I wondered if I’d even be
able to drive home. I dragged myself out of the car and bought an
energy drink and breakfast burrito, chugging the drink down, hoping
it would wake me up. The burrito tasted like ass, but I forced
myself to swallow half of it before wrapping the rest up and
tossing it on the passenger side floorboard. I started the car, put
on a heavy metal station and cranked it.

I’d shoved my phone in my coat pocket, and
when it rang, for a moment, my heart leapt in hope it was Julia,
until I recognized my mother’s ring tone. Jenna or Aaron must have
called them. I put the car back in park and shut off the radio, not
sure I wanted to get into it with my mom. I should just get my ass
home before I killed myself. Talking would only make me lose it
again. I hated feeling so fucking weak. I had less power now than
when she didn’t remember me. At least then, I had a choice to tell
her or not. And, she was with me and I knew she was safe. I could
take care of her then. Now, I couldn’t do a Goddamned thing about
any of it.

“Hello?” I cleared my throat and tried to
keep it even. I was starting to get jittery from the lack of sleep
and the energy drink.

“Honey, it’s Mom.”

“I know. I saw the caller I.D.”

“Are you okay? Jenna and Aaron called and
told me you don’t know where Julia is.”

“Yeah, and?”

“Have you heard from her? I hope she’s
okay.”

So did I. “I think she left me. Her suitcase
is gone. I drove around all night looking for her.”

“Maybe she’ll be at home when you get back,
honey.” I could hear the tears in my mother’s voice.

“No. I don’t think so. If she’s left, it’s
worse than I thought.”

“I can’t believe that she’d ever leave you,
baby. She loves you so much.”

I felt disgust well up and lodge in my
throat even as my eyes blurred. It was hard to push the next words
out. “Well, sometimes, I guess, love isn’t enough.”

“Oh, Honey. Aaron’s coming down. He’s
getting time off from the hospital and should be there by
noon.”

“For what? What’s Aaron gonna do, Mom?” I
leaned my head against the side window and closed my eyes.

“He’s going to be with you, Ryan. You don’t
need to be alone right now.”

“Is he going to uproot his life to babysit
me if she never comes back? Screw that.”

“Ryan! Stop talking that way.”

I swallowed at the tightness in my throat,
but nothing helped. I sucked in air until my lungs hurt, willing
myself not to break down. I felt like such a pussy.

“I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It’s bad.
She doesn’t trust me, and even though I’m fucking breaking in two
that she left, we don’t have shit if we don’t have trust.” Tears
started to seep slowly from my eyes and I sniffed. “I’m so pissed
at her! I do everything I can to show her how much she means to me,
but if none of it matters, then fuck it! She won’t even answer the
phone!”

My mom sighed heavily on the other end of
the line. “Ryan. It’s gonna be okay. No one loves each other more
than you two.”

The pain in my chest increased and my
shoulders started to shake in agony. “I… used to think so.”

“Ryan, just go home, baby. Wait for Aaron.
She’ll call you.”

I looked at my phone and still nothing from
her. “I haven’t heard from her in twenty-four hours.”

“She’ll call, Ryan. Do you really think
Julia would throw your marriage away like this? Come on, honey. You
know she’ll call.”

I didn’t want to tell my mom the details
about Jane, the gala and all the shit over Christmas. “Have you
talked to her?” I asked hopefully.

“No. Do you want me to call her?”

“Jenna was going to try, but I haven’t heard
from her, so I doubt she’ll talk to any of us. I’ll call you later,
Mom, okay? I want to get home in case she shows up.”

“Okay, honey. Keep me posted. Your father
said to tell you he loves you and we’re here, Ryan. If you need us
to come…”

“Mom, honestly, no. Don’t take that wrong. I
just… I’m a mess right now, and this is between Julia and me.”

“Okay, son. Love you.”

“You, too.” I ended the call and put the car
in gear.

*****

When the doorman buzzed that my brother was
downstairs, I dragged myself off the couch and pushed the button by
the door. “Send him up.”

I unlocked the door and left it open a
crack, then threw myself back down on the couch. There was a hockey
game on ESPN but I wasn’t really watching it. It was just the white
noise I needed to keep my brain busy enough so I could doze. Aaron
came through the door.

“Hey, brother,” he said. His eyes were
concerned when he came into the living room and shed his coat. He’d
dropped his duffle bag by the door. “How you doing?” He sat down in
the chair at the end of the couch and reached over to squeeze my
shoulder.

I stared at the TV, not even looking at him.
“I’ve been better.”

“Haven’t heard from Jules, yet, huh?”
Aaron’s voice was cautious.

I grabbed the phone from the coffee table in
front of me and tossed it at him. “See for yourself. I’ve sent more
than a hundred text messages. She’s killing me. I can’t fucking
breathe, I’m so worried.”

Aaron picked up the phone just as it jingled
with an incoming message. After all the messages that weren’t
Julia, I didn’t even flinch at the sound.

I slid my eyes to Aaron as he looked at the
phone before setting it back on the table. “It’s from Jane.”

I shook my head and huffed. She’d texted and
called several times, and each time my resentment of her grew. “She
needs to disappear. I swear to fucking God, Aaron, I wish I’d been
the one to take that knife in the gut that night. Everything is so
fucked up because of it.”

“Is it really due to that, or was this Jane
woman warm for your form before all this happened? Maybe this was
just the catalyst.”

I lifted a shoulder in a half shrug. “No
clue. Don’t really give a shit, either.” I slowly rose and walked
into the kitchen. “You want a beer? As soon as I hear she’s safe, I
plan on switching to scotch. Passing out is the only way I can stop
thinking about this shit.”

“Yeah,” he called back. “If that’s what it
takes to sleep, I think you should.”

I walked back with two open beer bottles and
handed one to Aaron, who was now flipping through the channels. “Do
you mind?” he asked.

I shook my head and sat back down, taking a
long pull on the beer. “The last text I sent to her was that I was
calling the cops if I didn’t hear from her, but I have to wait
until tonight. Of course, it is so fucking wrong that they won’t do
anything. They wait until enough time has passed that if she was
hurt or abducted she could be dead before they do anything. I can’t
stand not knowing, Aaron.” My throat was so tight it throbbed.

“Do you really think it might be foul
play?”

“I don’t think it started out that way. I
think she’s upset and left me, but she’d just tell me she left; she
wouldn’t put me through the hell of not knowing she’s okay. It’s
been 42 hours since I left her yesterday morning. I hate this
fucking town, Aaron.”

My phone jingled again and I cringed.
Would Jane just leave me the hell alone already?

“Aren’t you going to check that?”

I shook my head. “I’m sure it’s Jane
again.”

Aaron reached for the phone and then handed
it to me. “It’s from Julia, Ryan.”

I bolted up and grabbed the phone, my heart
beating like hell.

~R, I wanted to let you know I’m safe. I
just need some time alone. ~J

My thumbs flew over the keys as I returned
her text.

Where are you?

It doesn’t matter, Ryan.

“Goddammit!” I said aloud as I punched the
keys again.

TELL ME where you are!

I can’t. Just trust me that I’m okay and
I’ll be in touch.

Yeah, right. You mean, the way you trust
me?