A Little Rain (6 page)

“We’re
at the bar,” he says, then walks off.

Jaz
breaks the two-second silence saying, “I’m DJing later.”

“What?
 Here?  Tonight?” I say.

“No,
next week,” he says, a bit abrupt.  I look at him, puzzled.
 Why did you
just say that then?
 Then he looks at me intently and says, “Yes, tonight.  Half
one ‘til three.  Most Fridays I play here…”  Then I have to listen as he rambles
on about the club, his set list and the other DJs.  All the time I thinking DJs
are never single.  He must have girlfriends and groupies.  Also where are his
friends?  So I ask him.  “I got here early to set up, see a few people.  More
coming later.”

I
bite the bullet.  “I bet your girl loves you being a DJ, huh?  Free entry.  VIP.”

“Actually
I just got divorced,” he says, almost laughing.

“Oh,
I’m sorry to hear that.”  I say, simultaneously thinking
not now no way
never
.  “I’ll talk to you later.  Look forward to hearing you play.”  I
kiss him on the cheek goodbye, just because, and wander off to find Rob and
Jon.

I
find them at the bar.  Rob puts his hand to his mouth, his brown beer bottle to
his lips, drinks, and then swallows.  I ask him what he’s doing.  Jon shows me
in his hand just below the edge of the bar some Ecstasy pills.  Little pink
circles stamped with a smiley face supposedly, although I can’t see that close from
here.

“Want
one?” Jon asks.

“Maybe
later,” I say.

“If
I got any left.  They won’t last long.”

“Plenty
more like that in a place like this,” I say, casual.

“Don’t
you be buying anything,” Rob interjects.  Oh, the irony.  If Rob were that
bothered about my health he wouldn’t have me taking ecstasy at all but I
suppose at least he’s not a hypocrite.  “Hey…” Rob starts.  He comes close and
carefully, discreetly, pushes something into my palm.  I close my fingers up around
it.  A tiny package.  A pill wrapped in rolling paper. “Take this.  Take it
easy though, yeah?” he says.  The look on his tilted face right now is
beautiful in the semi-light. He puts his arm round my neck and pulls me close
to his chest in a hug that makes me melt inside.  He kisses the top of my head.
 My arm is bent up between us.  My hand a fist.  The little package is sandwiched
in my palm.  I feel it unfurl a little.  I shut my eyes and sigh.  When he lets
go I open them and see Jon.  He’s looking in the other direction.  I follow his
gaze to two tall girls nearby dressed truly in the club-style, white hot pants
and bra-tops.  They’re going to be frostbitten to death if they go outside like
that, I think.  Maybe they have coats.  I look back at my hand.  The paper has
come loose and I see the little ball of dark pink fire.  It tastes bitter.  I pull
the bottle free from Rob’s hand.  He’s seen what Jon has and is now looking too. 
I swig and swallow.  I start to dance.

I
spend the next half hour dancing brave.  I feel a fizz in my belly.  It feels like
a moody firework biding its time, sparking a little, not yet gone boom.  I’m
dancing in anticipation, dancing it up.  The music playing is dark, dirty
house.  Twisted bass and beats.  No tunes in sight.  No cheese.  I can already smell
sweat and see smoke.  It’s a cosy place.  This is no superclub.  Not many people
are going to fit in here.  It’s now getting busy on the dance floor.  There are
some seats in the arches either side.  One bar is at the back and there’s
another tiny bar opposite the entrance down a dangerous slope.  The toilets I
haven’t found yet.  Apparently there’s a chill-out room too, but that’s another
secret to discover.  I go on the dance floor and wriggle my way to the front.  There
is no DJ box up high, just a little stage.  Some people are dancing on it,
facing the dance floor.  Some people are sitting on the edge.  DJ Jaz is not
playing yet.  The DJ that is playing and his mate are behind the decks whooping
up the crowd.  I like it here.  I groove my way round the floor a bit more,
smiling and blinking at another cutie I spot.  He’s wearing mirror shades so I
can’t see his eyes.  It’s too loud to start to chat here so I just dance near
him for a bit and admire his moves.  I watch him some more.  He looks a bit too
good.  He has very styled hair with highlights and smart looking stubble in
sharp lines.  He must be very fit, judging by his arms which look solid.

Rob
and Jon don’t come and find me for a while.  I don’t know how long exactly.  They
eventually come.  They’re looking jacked and I’m feeling it too.  It’s like my
feet aren’t touching the floor, walking on a carpet of cloud.  We dance and
dance, sometimes together, sometimes apart.  My bare shoulders are constantly
touching against other people’s moist skin.  Later still, Rob leans over and
says it’s time for a break.  He says I look hot.  Hot as in sweaty, he adds.  He
would never say I was cute.  We move to the edge and squash up on a boxy type
seat against the wall.  Rob gives me some of his water.  I lean back, my
shoulders against the wall.  I feel some sort of metalwork behind my head.  I light
a cigarette, relax and breathe, feeling wonderful and thinking how beautiful
almost everyone is, one or two not so beautiful.  Then suddenly, I’m stuck.  My
hair is caught on something.  I reach back to feel bracings on the wall.  It
hurts.  I try and unfix myself but it feels worse.  The more I move, the
tighter it gets and the more it hurts.  “Sit still,” Rob says, and it stops
hurting.  I cannot see what’s happened but I hear Rob tearing my hair from the
metal.  I reach back and feel a chunk of it missing.  I feel like crying but
Rob hugs me, says, “It’s ok, it’s not much, you cannot see.”

He
goes off to get more water, and straight away another guy comes and sits down
next to me.  I see it’s Mr Goodlooks from earlier.  The sunglasses are now on
his head.  He smiles then suddenly asks if I would like one of his Ecstasy pills. 
“Thank you!”  I say.  Feeling it would be rude not to although
Danger Danger
warnings ping about in my head.  I ignore them.  I quickly use his water to
swallow it before Rob comes back, and the man gets up and leaves straightaway. 
Smart man.  It’s not going to be long now before I’m supercharged and bouncing
off the ceiling.

Rob
returns, hands me water and sits next to me.  Jon’s standing next to Rob and talking
to some pretty skinny girl, again all legs.  I’m too mashup to tell if it’s one
of the babes from earlier.  She’s wearing short shorts.  
What do they call
them in America?  
“Daisy Dukes!” I say aloud, laughing to myself, although
no-one seems to listen.  I’m feeling pretty damn good right now, but I can’t
help but feel a tiny twinge of jealously, a little bite in my belly that Jon is
being such a flirt.  I don’t show it.  I know what guys like Jon are.  He doesn’t
care about me, or anyone, only his self.  I lean across Rob and say “Hi,” being
friendly and ask her if she’s got the time.  She tells me it’s nearly half one.
 She seems nice, though not interested, not like Jon is in her, albeit only temporarily.
 I realise DJ Jaz is now playing.

“Hey...
 I’ll be back in a minute guys.”  I say.

“Where
you going?”  Rob says, hooking his fingers in my belt loops as I stand up.

“To
see that DJ play.”  Rob nods and then shuts his eyes. With that I walk away,
wobbling slightly.  Even in trainers my steps are a little unsteady, like
walking on a not quite fully deflated air bed.  I get to the dance floor and
it’s heaving.  Pushing my way in, I dance a little on my own.  I try to get to
the front again.  It takes a lot longer this time.  People don’t seem to move
or maybe it’s more me knocking into them.  I see Jaz at the front surrounded by
dancing girls and guys when suddenly I just rush and rush.  I get so hot in the
face and body I start to shake.  I stagger forward, pushing through people, desperate
get out of the crowd.  I see seats ahead, up a few stairs, near the front of
the dance floor.  I move forward, steadying myself on the wall as I take the
stairs.

I’m
in a new place now.  I didn’t see this before, a dark room with reddish paint
on the black walls.  I see a boy girl couple dead ahead of me.  They are
messing about with a disposable camera, taking photos together, smiling, and
pulling faces.   The bright light of the camera flash illuminating them and the
grim scenery for all to see, just for a split second.  They stop suddenly when
they see me.  The guy looks at me hard from under the rim of his baseball cap, and
then sits himself up in the corner, still looking.  The girl who has a mass of dirty
blonde hair with wide pink streaks sits beside him, and is now facing me and staring
too.

I
sit down in a nearby space, leaning forward and breathe deep for a minute or
two.  I can feel them both still staring at me and now the girl has moved right
next to me.  “Alana?” She says, with a wavering voice.  I look up at her,
shaking my head.  She’s looks messy, wearing baggy blue dungarees.  She reminds
of a farmer.  Even her smell makes me think of mud.  “Are you ok?”

I
struggle to say, “Yeah, I’ll be fine in a minute.”

“What’s
your name?” She says, looking as though she might know me.  The man moves suddenly
behind her, standing up.  She sits forward, leaning in very close to me.  I
notice her arms are darkened by heavy tattoos.  I feel a little scared.

“Ella.”
 I say at the same time as concentrating hard to slow myself down.  I can’t
look at her.  Then I don’t know what prompts it but I just ask. “Do you know
Rob?”  I say this looking at the floor.  I hear no response.  I’m waiting for
an answer.  I look up at them both.  The guy looks me straight in the eyes, then
looks me down, looks me up and doesn’t meet my eye again, and just stands there
still, looking impatient.  I look at her.  Her amber eyes widen like they’re
breathing in, stretching out, then they shrink up slightly.  She moves her arm like
a witch about to cast a spell but offers me her water bottle.  I take it but have
to stop looking at her.  I can’t.  I need to look away.  I feel her eyes
burning into me and feel suddenly self-conscious.  I close my eyes.  When I
open them again, she’s now standing, staring at me only inches away.  I look up
at her.  I give her the bottle back.  She looks at me for a while more and I
don’t like it so I look away, then shut my eyes again and hope that she just goes
away.

Eventually,
eyes open again and I think I’m in another place, only I’m not.  I haven’t
moved at all but the couple have gone.  There’s a guy sat there now rolling a
joint and there are some other people sitting near.  Someone else offers me
their water bottle.  I take it and manage this time to say, “Thanks,” in a
whisper.  When I look at who I’m giving the bottle back to I nearly drop it on
the floor.  He’s not pretty, not handsome and not really even cute but there is
more than just something about him.  He has a gentle face, like a sunset.  He
radiates a spectrum of colour.  He’s noticed I’m staring and nods at me
smiling.  It’s no effort at all to smile back.  He laughs gently, then slides
up alongside me and puts his arm behind me, though not so we’re touching.  He
doesn’t say a word.  The music takes on a new dimension.  I’m on another plane. 
Reality seems a million miles away.  We just sit for a long long time.

Later
still, Rob strides in and sees me sitting, sees me safe.  I don’t know if he
even sees the guy.  I blink at Rob.  He smiles back, then winks and points both
hands, like in a cheesy spoof film.  He fluffs my hair and wanders off.  I look
back at my guy.  He has got his eyes shut now, nodding to the music. I feel a
lot better.  I don’t want to miss out on dancing.  I wonder if he likes dancing
too.  I keep looking at him until he opens his eyes again.  I say, “I think I’m
going to go and dance,” and I gesture in an exaggerated way in the direction of
the dance floor.  He just looks at me gently with a smile.  I slowly get to my
feet.  I don’t feel at all steady.  My belly lurches and I feel like I might be
sick, but I just burp.  I reach in my pocket and go to light a cigarette
realising I haven’t smoked one for a while.  I can’t find my lighter.  As I’m
still standing still near him, I say, “You got a light?”  He reaches into his
pocket and then lights my cigarette for me.  I inhale a few breaths.  I start
to feel icky again and I want to go outside.  

My
steps are wibbly-wobbly, and blind luck leads me there.  I have no clue where
I’m going.  I get outside, too dumb to realise I’m through the door until the
cold bites at my arms.  My waist hurts, sharp like a needlestick pain.  The
bouncer steps aside and nods his head in an upward way.  I move out a little
further.  I realise the guy has followed me out.  He looks a bit concerned but
not really worried, maybe intrigued.  I’m more interested in smoking my
cigarette and settling my rolling stomach.  I finish it with a flick and he offers
me his water.  I say thanks again.  After about twenty minutes of deep breaths
of fresh air, more water and two more cigarettes I’m feeling like a different
person.  We are standing close together, kind of keeping each other warm
without touching, almost as if with our energies.  He’s wearing light blue, worn
out jeans and a dark sweater.  We must look like we are friends.  I feel like
we are, when I don’t really know him at all.  I don’t even know his name.

I
look up to see the girl who called me Alana now standing outside too, chatting with
a doorman.  She looks at me suddenly, takes a breath like she’s shocked and
stops talking.  I stare back for a split second but the intensity of her cat-like
gaze outside in the dark makes me look down.  I carry on smoking, looking at the
floor.  Then I jump, like an electric shock has zapped me, fingers touch my
upturned wrist.  The blonde’s grip moves down to my palm and tries to take hold
of my hand.  I notice her short, dirty fingernails and silver bangles for only
a moment.  Suddenly, her boyfriend comes striding fast out of the club.  He
carries what looks like a hefty brown jumper and before I can say anything, he
takes hold of her other wrist hard.  She gasps like he’s hurt her and looks at
me with urgency, but gets pulled away into the night.  I feel a bit shaken. 
What a nutnut, grabbing my wrist like that.  She was just weird.