A Little Rain (19 page)

When class restarts I don’t know what has perked me
up, anxiety or caffeine.  I learn a lot more in the second half.  My eyes stay open
and I even manage to take a few notes alongside some pointless but pretty
doodles of stars and butterflies.  The second hour goes quickly.  More people
have turned up too which helps.  The class takes a new dimension with more
questions and debate.  I start to enjoy it but it’s over all too soon and I
make a hopeful vow to turn up at my early class tomorrow morning.

I stand up with fresh enthusiasm for the day but
underneath I’m still pretty tired and could happily go back to bed.  When some
classmates say they’re going for quick coffee, still I take them up on their
offer to join them.  They even offer to pay for me, so it’d be rude not to go. 
So me, Heidi, Sadaf, Stuart and Pavel head outside to one of the coffee bars on
the high street.  It’s busy but we get there at a good time and get a table just
as some people are going, leaving sticky cups and sandwich wrappers in their
wake.  We sit and talk about classes and work and books and life.  I smoke a
cigarette that is offered to me.  I forgot to bring mine as well.  One by one,
they get out their phones and reply to texts, listen to voicemails or answer
calls and I feel left out.  Anxious again, I say how naked and lost I feel
without it.  The girls agree with me and wonder how on earth I am coping.  The
guys disagree, saying that they would love the freedom of being without it. 
Again time zips by and two skinny lattes with countless tubes of brown sugar
and a blueberry muffin later someone mentions it’s getting on for teatime and I
think of sausages, buttered mash and beans, and right now I would also love a cup
of mum’s hot, strong sweet tea in my frog mug.

I start thinking I should be leaving soon.  Firstly,
to quickly go home to check my phone for peace of mind and then I need to get a
move on to mum’s.  I make my polite goodbyes whilst smoking one last free
hand-rolled cigarette and I leave.  One of the guys says they are going out for
drinks later and I should join them.  I think the idea sounds too much for even
me and the thought of just the smell of alcohol makes me feel ill again.  I’m
still desperately tired too so I say I might make it down later and will see
them there if I do.  Cool cool, they say.  I stand up and quickly go to the
toilet.  When I walk out they’re still all sitting slouched, more chilled than penguins
on skiing holiday.  I wave at them goodbye as I walk out.

It has turned much colder outside.  Darkness has fully
fallen.  The air is damp and icy.  I push my hands deep in my pockets.  I walk
towards the flat feeling fine, much better than I did earlier.  I feel at my
most awake now, more than I have the whole day.  The worry about my phone lies
low, like lead fishing weights stuck in my belly.  It just won’t go away.  I start
to jog the rest of the way home.  It’s not long before I’m halfway up the road.
 I can see the always open gate.  Then my heart suddenly stops and my stomach
feels like it’s fallen out of my body.  I stand stock still.  Benny’s blue
Fiesta is parked right outside.  Benny is nowhere to be seen.  I don’t want to
think about it but I have to.  I brace myself in case he is hiding somewhere,
about to jump out.  I look around in all directions, both hoping to and hoping
not to see him.  I don’t.  My already on the floor belly then feels like it has
slid down the drain.  As I walk over to the front door I see the key dangling
out of the letterbox.  The door is open just a little bit.  Oh God.  He’s in
there, and of course, so is Rob.  I quickly, quietly push the key back through
the door and then pull it shut behind me.

I already knew, so I shouldn’t be shocked, but I still
jump seeing Benny sitting there on the big brown couch, his dirty white trainers
on the coffee table, smoking one of my cigarettes and drinking one of Rob’s
beers.  I can’t even shout.  Rob I guess must be still asleep.  I am exploding with
rage inside, nuclear bombs going off, but too afraid to make a sound.  If Rob
wasn’t here I would be kicking off like World War Three.  I whisper
aggressively, “What the hell are you doing in here?  You know Rob’s asleep next
door!”

“Yeah, I know.  I can hear him snoring,” he snorts,
sipping his beer.

“Why are you here?” and I realise it’s a stupid
question while I’m asking it.  Benny’s eyes flicker with fury.  I sense the
calm is now before the Force 12 storm.

“This…”  He rises suddenly, pulling my phone sharply
off the table and yanking so hard the charger cable pops out onto the floor and
wriggles away like a scared skinny snake.  Then phone in hand, he gets up and
gets right in my face.  “What’s this?”  He hisses.  Now he’s asking the idiot
question.

“It’s my phone!”  I spit back, hatefully.  “I left it
behind ok!  I’m sorry!”  I go to snatch it out of his hand but as my fingers
touch his, he springs away and pushes me back with his other hand.  I don’t
move.  I want to kick him.  I take a breath, slow down.  My phone is not
important.  I just have to get him out before Rob murders him.  Part of me
thinks,
Sod it!  
Let him die or at least get a kicking.  I turn my back
on him and walk away, towards the front door, thinking maybe if I lead he will
follow.  He follows alright.  He follows through by hurling my phone at the
back of my head.  It hits bang on target, right at the top of my neck.  I
cannot help but cry out, more from shock than pain, but not for long, maybe a
second.  I grab back all of the pain and hold the rest of the scream inside.  It
hurts like hell, like someone taking a blunt axe to chop off my head.  I can’t
stop my eyes from watering but I don’t make another sound.  A split second
later the phone bounces off the wall then clatters and skids on the floor
noisily.

I know Rob is awake now but that’s the last thing on
my mind.  Revenge only is and I’m in the kitchenette, standing at the drawer
and my hand is on a steak knife.  I turn, holding it at waist level, both fists
clenched, knifepoint aimed at Benny.  Reality bites as a hooded figure emerges
from a now open bedroom door coming up close behind Benny who hasn’t figured out
he’s there.  When my eyes move up, only then does he realise I must be looking
at something, someone else.  He turns round slowly and it’s his turn to jump
out of his skin.  I remember at that second, only briefly, feeling hungry for
another blueberry muffin, and then Rob has Benny in a headlock and I didn’t
even hear the ref blow the whistle for kick-off.  
Here it goes
!  SMASH-BOOM-BANG-CRASH!
 The ridiculous pair tumble around the room sending cushions flying and
knocking into furniture, shoving the sofas out of their place.  I just stand
there hopelessly, still holding the knife.  Something ceramic smashes on the
floor.  My heart feels like it has dropped to my knees.  A cold hand closes
around my throat.  It’s hard to breathe.  I hear the sound of skin hitting
skin.  I start to shake.  I shut my eyes and hear shouts and noises of pain.

I feel helpless like I cannot do anything, powerless
and frozen and sick but then I hear myself shouting.  “Rob!  Leave him!  Benny!
 Just get out!  Don’t be stupid!”  I am ignored and they are intent on wrecking
the place as they leave black marks on the walls.  I sidestep around them and
pull open the front door.  “GET HIM OUT!”  I am shouting like I have no remorse
for my vocal chords.  The grappling duo seem to go in every other direction
apart from towards the door.  Fury rises in me as I see red spots start
appearing on the walls, never mind the trail of devastation they leave in their
wake.

Rob then gives Benny such a shove he’s almost thrown
to the other side of the room, but with this force exerted, Rob loses his
footing and slips over, sliding on a cushion on the floor.  Benny leaps to his
feet and runs towards him and goes to kick him while he’s down but Rob’s half
way up to stand and Benny’s foot connects with air.  Enraged, Benny swings
wildly at Rob who just steps back, dare I say, amused.  I’m not finding this
funny.  I can smell their blood and sweat.  Then I’m running straight for Benny,
arm raised, knife in hand and Rob’s not smiling anymore either.  “Ella!” I hear
him shout darkly, deeply.

“Aaahhhhhiiiiiiiii!!!”  I hear Benny scream,
squawking, high pitched, like a child.

“ELLA!”  Rob shouts so gruff and deep and loud that I
stop dead in my tracks, only a little distance from Benny, nine inches maybe.  “Ella
put the knife down…”  My brother never calls me Ella and this in itself has
spooked me.

I stop and hear a clock ticking in the silence.  The
voice in my head whispers quietly,
Yes Ella
,
he’s right, put the
knife down.  You don’t want to do yourself or anyone else any real injury.  Really
you don’t want to hurt Benny as much as you hate him right now.  Knife down on the
floor.  Now.

Ok...  I put the knife down.   I don’t want to kill
him.

But then I just flip.  He breaks into my house, fights
with my brother, wrecks the place.  I freak out again and I am flying for him.  
Fists and feet connect with his body over and over.  I hit and kick arms,
chest, head, legs, any surface will do.  Benny doesn’t fight back.  It’s
obviously not hurting him which just enrages me more.  I punch harder and
harder and then kick really hard too.  When I do this and Benny starts to shout,
Rob steps in.  “Enough of this!”  Rob roars.  “Benny, get the hell out of here.
 Don’t ever come here again!”  He shouts as he is holding me with both arms
from behind, hugging me hard round my shoulders, lifting my feet off the floor.
 I struggle like mad and my legs don’t stop kicking.  I’m a long long way from
being calm.  Benny looks different, like a different person.  He looks at me
differently too.  He looks worried.  Like maybe I am crazy.  Right this second
I know I am a madwoman but I don’t care what people think.

Rob’s still holding me.  I’m still wild and Rob’s arms
don’t loosen until we both hear the front door slam but I am still not calm.  In
fact, I am more wound up than ever, a wild crocodile with its jaw held shut. 
When Rob lets go and my feet touch the floor, I’m ready to fly.  I don’t even
think I’m thinking.  I know we look hard at each other for maybe half a second,
not even that.  Rob looks like he’s about to speak but before any words come,
I’m gone.

I run as fast as I ever have to the front door and
throw it open.  Benny’s still there outside, about to get in his car.  I don’t
stop running.  I feel Rob right behind me but I’m only looking ahead.  He can’t
get away.  This time he’s dead.  Benny sees me coming and I see fear pulse in
his fiery eyes.  So quick, he gets in his car.  The door slams shut, the engine
roars and I’m in road with him.  I move to face him.  My hands are on the
bonnet.  The blue metal feels warm.  I can smell heat and car exhaust.  The car
has started moving and above the engine’s roar I can vaguely hear Rob shouting
my name again.  Benny’s eyes and mine are locked together, a red electrical
force burning between them.

The car moves suddenly beneath my hands, and then I
hear a strange, peculiar crunch.  I feel a hot, searing pain in my toes.  Suddenly
I snap back to now.  Benny is gone, off driving up the road fast and now I can
hear screaming.  It’s me.  Rob is at my side, hand on my shoulder looking down,
holding his forehead with his other hand.  “What are we going to do with you,
Skit?  Come here...” he says.  He pulls me into a hug and I start sobbing
uncontrollably into his shoulder.

“Come on,” he says gently, “come out of the road.”  I don’t
want to even try walking because I know I can’t.  It feels like the car is
still on my foot.  I cannot move.

I say, “I can’t walk.  He just run over my foot!”
which now feels like it is being tortured in a horror film, with bolt cutters.  I
don’t think Rob believes me as he takes my arm and tries to make me move.  I shout,
“I cannot fucking walk. OK!” and I start crying again unashamedly, partly for
pain, part embarrassment and I’m full of anger too.

I had not realised until now, we have created quite a
scene.  I can see people looking out of their windows, net curtains moving, and
a few neighbours have gathered on the street outside their houses.  I can see
out of the corner of my eye at least one passer-by has stopped in their tracks.
 Then I see that Heather is there.  She’s wearing flared green jeans and a big pink
and purple knitted shawl that appears to have no holes for arms.

“Is everything ok?” She says, stupidly.

Splashing great tears, I glare at her and say, “Does
it fucking look like it?”  Then I think maybe I’ve been rude and say, “Sorry. Just
it really hurts.  I just had a fight with my boyfriend and he ran over my foot.”

Rob is looking at the floor, he looks at my foot and
then at me.  “We gotta get you to hospital,” he says.

Heather says, “I’ll come with you.”  I look at her, horrified,
but grateful for her kindness.

“No.”  Rob says.  “Thank you.”  He adds quickly.  I
scowl at him but know he’s probably right.

“Thanks for asking.” I say through salty tears.  Rob’s
already gone back into the flat to get his car keys.  I’m still in the road and
a car is coming.  Heather puts my arm round her shoulder and helps me slowly
hop over to the kerb.  We wait perching on the wall for Rob to come out again.  My
foot is killing, but there’s so much more now buzzing around in my head.  Benny. 
Rob.  The wrecked house.  Will I walk again?  Will my toes fall off?  Will my
foot fall off?  I think maybe in fact I now might die.  I make another wailing
noise and the tears keep coming.  I feel Heather’s arm tighten round my
shoulder.