A Lil' Less Hopeless (9 page)

The pearl earrings dazzle in the sunlight. They are small, perfect. My mouth drops open, gaping at their beauty. “But...”

“Hush.” Jean waves her hand freely. “These were a gift from my own mother. She bought them for me for my wedding day. They are yours now.”

She speaks as she works with the clasps, fixing them to my ears.

“And one day...” she rests her hand on the embroidered lace covering my stomach. “One day they will be hers.” She winks at me.

I cover her hand with my own. A tear threatening to roll down my heavily made up cheek. “Thank you... mom.”

She nods, fighting back something, suppressing strong emotions, while her eyes glass over. “You’re...” Her voice cracks. “I will
always
be here for you, Lil’s. You’re my daughter now.”

I hug her tightly, thankful and grateful for her. But, also wishing it was my own mom who could say these things to me. The roar of motorcycles reaches the front yard.

We let each other go.

“I think that’s our ride.” She laughs. I nod. I guess it’s time. “I’ll give you a few minutes.”

She kisses me on the cheek and lets herself out of the bedroom, leaving me to myself.

I look at myself, I mean
really
look at myself, my reflection staring back. I can’t believe I’m here, can’t believe this is me. I can’t even begin to label the vast amount of emotions swirling around inside. Happiness... I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Nervous... I’m afraid to walk out in front of all those people. Fear... terrified of the things that have been happening lately. The police, the FBI, Emily, Shade... I shake my head, as if the physical act will somehow erase the horrible feelings biting away at what should be the happiest day of my life.

There’s gratitude... I’m grateful that I’ve been able to get back what I so callously threw away all those years ago. Grateful to Jay for still loving me, knowing that I truly don’t deserve it, but that I can’t live without it.

I need to concentrate on those feelings. I need to compartmentalize the good from the bad and just shove them away for now. Yes, I was questioned by the FBI a few days ago. Yes, I’m terrified that I may be taken from the man I love and accused of something I did not do. Yes, I’ve even seen terrible things that will haunt me for the rest of my life. But I need to focus on the here and now. I need to smile and just keep smiling.

******

The living room is full, the bridal party dressed and carrying their flowers, making last minute adjustments to one another. Butch, smoothing back his thinning hair, stops, frozen still as I walk down the hallway toward them.

All voices hush, and my dad walks toward me.

“Oh my God. You...” Tears start to slowly stream down his clean shaven face. “You look beautiful.” He eyes me carefully. “You look just like your momma did.”

I gulp hard, not knowing why a sudden sadness is washing over me. “Thanks, pop.” I hug him dearly, thankful for the one blood parent I have here with me. He nods, and withdraws himself to wipe at his face with his hanky.

“Let’s do this then... before we all go into a crying fit.” I make light of the situation. Knowing that I may very well start the waterworks soon if we don’t start moving.

Everyone begins to file out. Jean, Sunny, Charlie, Bobby, Jess, followed by pop and me. It’s a beautiful day, the sun beginning its descent and bathing the world in a soft light to everything it touches. Two large limos are parked in front of the house, with two Harleys parked behind. The first limo fills quickly leaving Jean behind to ride with us. Tiny lingers by his bike, talking into his cellphone before he notices me and quickly ends his call.

“Everything OK?” I ask out to him as he approaches.

He sighs deep enough for me to notice from twenty feet away.

“WOW! I can’t believe how gorgeous you look.”

I playfully smack his chest. “Thanks! ‘Cause I’m such a troll, right?”

He holds onto my hand. “ ‘Cause you’re my baby sister and I can’t bring myself to accept that you’ve grown up into such a beautiful woman.”

Now I’m gonna lose it. I’ve managed to talk myself out of tears all morning, with an abundance of emotions crashing over me, begging to just let go. And now, all that hard work is gonna be thrown out the window at just a few words from the big jaloop. Tiny and I have been through a lot together. There were times when all we had was each other. Life had given me Jay back, and this new baby... but it had also given me back my brother. And I will forever be grateful for that. Because this man is the second greatest man I’ve even known.

He hugs me carefully, delicately. Very unlike Tiny.

“I’m not gonna break, Tiny.”

He lets me go, sheepishly ashamed of his sudden lack of masculinity. “I know... but Sunny swears she’s gonna cut me off for a week if I mess up your hair.”

“Pig,” I accuse. He’s back to his old self. That was quick.

“Hey... I have a wedding present for you.” He looks at his phone again. “Just... give it two more minutes.”

Huh?
I eye him suspiciously. No way would he dare a prank on a day like today, so I think it’s pretty safe. I turn and wave to the driver of the first car. “Go ahead! We’ll be right along!”

We wait in silence for a moment or two after the first limo has left for the church. Jean sets our bouquets carefully in our own limo, while pop and Tiny share a good deal of anxious fidgeting. A small blue sedan slowly comes to a stop just across the street.

Butch shyly jams his fists into his suit pockets and Tiny throws his eyes to me. Jean smiles, kisses me on the cheek and then disappears into the waiting limo. I grow stiff, imaginary weights bogging me down, holding me in place.

My mother slowly leaves her car and cautiously walks toward us. I lock eyes with her, and watch as she reflects the same expression I must have on my face. We are treading lightly, unsure of the other’s position.

I turn to Tiny. “You did this? For me?”

He nods. “Of course.”

The tears well up, clouding my vision. I lose the details of him, but still see his form as I throw myself into his arms. Gulping hard, I muster enough control to speak. I whisper into his ear. “Thank you.”

We release each other. My mother reaches us. She watches the three of us, unsure of her place among us. “I hope I’m not too late?”

I breathe quick, my intake wobbly from the weight of the moment.

“You’re right on time.”

******

The music escapes the ancient, thick wooden door every time it’s opened. Tiny and mom just disappeared through it, leaving only pop and me standing, waiting. The seconds trail on, slowing themselves as they get closer to the moment. The moment when I leave this man’s arms, this imperfect man who has loved me and done right by me as best he could, and into those of the man who will vow to love me until we are no more.

“I... I just want you to be happy. I’ve always wanted that for you.”

I close my eyes. “I know, pop.” I squeeze his hand. “I love you, too.”

The door opens before us, and once more the music floods out into the air. Instinctively, we move, slowly walking into the shadowed lighting within. I nervously glance around and see every face I’d imagined to be here. A prickly heat rises up my neck, the sleeves begin to itch at the skin beneath. My lips dry themselves and feel as if they’ll split if I move them. Each set of eyes eyes that returns my gaze, watches, unknowingly as I feel myself compressing, the pressure building up, weighing on my lungs.

I’ve scanned the entire room, finally setting my sights to the end of the aisle, to where Jay stares back at me. His eyes speak unknown words to me, calming and soothing the inner disarray. The faces begin to disappear, the sounds begin to trail off. He grows larger, more prominent, until I am close enough to feel the energy, the body heat pour from him. The walk down that aisle feels like an eternity, each step bringing me closer, reliving moments from our past, our history. This journey felt like eternity, while it was really just a lifetime in the making.

Ugh. I know I’m not hung over, I can’t be. Sipping ginger ale all night from a champagne flute was enough to fool most people at the reception, but could it have fooled my body, also? My head hurts from not getting enough sleep, my feet hurt from dancing all night, and my girly bits are sore from “consummating” the marriage last night. Over and over again. There’s no way this marriage isn’t legit now. I laugh to myself. Jay had warned me that he would be in charge of planning the wedding night, and he certainly did not disappoint. It’ll probably take me days to recover.

I roll over and stare at the empty bed beside me. The clock is blinking its obnoxious red numbers... I can’t believe I slept so late! I tilt my neck, raising my nostrils up searching for any signs of brewing coffee. None. I know Jay doesn’t make coffee as well as I do, but he could have at least attempted it. Ugh. Men.

I laugh again as I swing my legs over the side of the bed thinking of a thread I came across a while ago on some website. #Husband problems.

Cinching the flimsy belt around my waist, I saunter through the house looking for my husband. I reach the kitchen with no success. Crap. I’ll make the damn coffee myself. I prepare the filter and scoop the appropriate amount of ground coffee beans into the reservoir, flipping the switch as I leave the machine to do its work. Sliding into the breakfast nook, I will myself to waken fully.

A small folded piece of paper sits perched against the flower vase in the middle of the table. I see faint letters sprawled across the top fold and reach for it. It has my name written on it, so I open it.

Lil’s-

When you wake up, call my ma.

She has something for you.

Jay

What the fuck? Are you kidding me? Do not tell me that he’s doing club business today. We agreed not to take a honeymoon for about a month, so we could really plan something nice... considering how quickly we put the wedding together, we didn’t want to just throw a honeymoon together, too.

But, we had agreed that we would spend the few days after the wedding together before going back to the “real world.” I angrily pick up the house phone and punch in the numbers to Jean’s cell. She answers before the first ring is even completed.

“Lil’s?” Jean speaks. She sounds just as tired, if not more, than me. “I’ll be right over.”

I can’t even manage to get a word in edgewise, before she ends the call. I stare at the phone in my hand. I have a feeling I’m about to get pretty pissed off. I storm off toward the bathroom, disrobing along the way. I wonder what it is this time, a protection run, handling some other brother’s shit, running to daddy when he calls.

The hot water makes my already flushed skin burn. I know how club business works. It’s not your average 9-5, but we seriously need to talk through this kind of stuff. It’s not going to fly when the baby gets here. I shower and perform my everyday basic beauty routine in record time. Throwing on some skinny jeans that, thank God, still fit, and a flowy top. I head back to the kitchen where my coffee is waiting.

The front door sounds as it opens and closes while I’m pouring myself a cup. I call out to Jean. “I just made some coffee, ma, you want a cup?” I turn to greet her, but instead of one person, as I am expecting... I see several.

“Ok... I’ll make some more coffee...” I curiously eye the group now making its way deep into my kitchen. Butch and Tiny flow in followed by Vince and Jean.

“No... don’t go to any trouble, sweetheart,” Jean suggests.

I push my mug aside, spilling out some of the chestnut liquid. “What the hell is going on here?”

Nervous looks are exchanged, but no one will look directly at me.

“Jay gave me something to give you, Lil’s.” Jean withdraws a sealed envelope from her purse and hands it over to me, reluctantly. “He asked that we all be here when you read it.”

I rip the envelope from her, a touch more aggressively than I planned.

“You might want to go read that in private, sweetheart.” Butch adds.

I turn to him, “You know what this is all about, too?” He looks away. “Fine, I’ll go read this damn note and then I’ll deal with all of you after I finish with Jay.

I stalk off into my bedroom and slam the door behind me. Once safe inside I stare at the generic looking paper in my hands. I notice it starts to tremble as my hands mindlessly start to move on their own accord. My mind goes blank. My body goes numb. I don’t know what’s in this envelope, but I do know that I don’t want to open it. I want to pause this moment, freeze time. If I open this, I know that I’ll never be able to undo it. I step over to the foot of the unmade bed and turn to have a seat, placing the unassuming looking envelope next to me.

I stare at the wall. I have very few options here. My curiosity is starting to get the better of me and I know I won’t be able to resist the contents within that seal for long.

I grab for the paper and tear open the flap, tossing the wasted envelope aside. There are three handwritten pages inside. I take a deep breath. I read the note.

Baby,

I remember the first time I laid eyes on you. It was the day you were born. Your brother was staying at my house while your parents were at the hospital, and when it was time, we brought Tiny there to meet you. I was so jealous of you that day. I watched as he got to hold you and kissed you on the cheek. I was a punk ass little kid and hated you a little then. I thought you were stealing my best friend away from me. You and Tiny would always have each other and I would always be the third wheel. I convinced myself that you would be nothing but trouble. Well... I was kind of right on that one.

One night when Tiny and I were having a sleepover at your house, you couldn’t have been more than 2. Your mom and pop were at it again, fighting up a storm. You were crying in your crib. Tiny went to go try and get your mom and I stayed with you. You were scaring the shit out of me right then. I didn’t know if you were hurt, hungry, scared. You wouldn’t stop crying.

I sat down on the floor and stuck my hand in between the bars. You latched on and finally stopped crying. You just kept looking at me. I tried to let go, and you started to cry again. So I just sat there for a long time with my hand stuck in the crib. Eventually, you fell asleep. I could have taken my hand back, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I wanted you to know that someone was there.

Something changed. You weren’t just Tiny’s to take care of and protect anymore. You were mine, too. I remember the first time I knew I loved you. I remember the first time I kissed you. I remember the first time I made love to you, and I remember the time you broke my heart.

But, I also remember you coming back to me, and I will always remember my vows to you. Just like all those years ago when you were a crying little kid, I vowed to protect you. That’s what I’m doing now. I know you wont understand this. Hell, you’ll probably get so damn mad and hate me for a little bit. But I will never let anything happen to you or our baby. You know that about me. You know there’s nothing that’s gonna change that.

I am writing this letter because I can’t tell you this in person. I’m only so strong, Lil’s, and I don’t think I’d be able to do what needed to be done if I had to watch the hurt in your eyes when I told you. This is one time I can’t chance being weak.

I’ve turned myself in, and confessed to murdering Shade. We’ve done everything possible to try and find another way around this, to stall them from going after you. But, I don’t know what else to do at this point. I will not risk you being caught up in this, will not risk you being taken away. The thought of you and my baby in a jail cell is something I cannot live with.

The club is still working on figuring things out, trying to get to the bottom of it... they’ll get me out of here. But until then, I’ll know your safe. If the worst happens, and I’m in here for good, we’ll cross that bridge if we have to. Just know that everything’s been taken care of.

The house has already been turned over in your name. All of my accounts have been transferred to you, and all of my shares of club business will be given to you. You’ll always be taken care of. The baby will always be taken care of. I never wanted things to happen this way. I thought now that we’ve gotten our second chance, that was it.

I will always love you. Your family is there now because I want you to know that you are never alone. Please don’t push them away. They need you just as much as you need them. My ma is taking this rough, Lil’s. Please be there for each other.

Don’t try to come see me. I’ve made sure that they won’t let you in as a visitor right now. I can’t see you right now. I don’t want you to see me like this. I love you. Please don’t ever, ever doubt that. I may not be the smartest, richest man. But for a while I was the happiest. You were the reason.

I’m going to close my eyes tonight and imagine I’m holding your little hand through these bars. But it will be good, because I’ll know I kept my promise.

Your Husband, Jay

******

The crumpled note is practically melting away in my palm, the pressure of my closing fist condensing and minimizing it to nothing more than a scrap. Bright white light floods my vision as anger seethes through me, blinding me.

How dare he! How dare he promise to love and cherish me, not even twenty four hours ago, and then... bam! make a unilateral decision like this changing both of our lives? This couldn’t have been some spur of the moment decision, either.

This note, those people out there, the legal and financial preparations that Jay says were made... those things don’t just happen over night. The bastard planned this. He planned to give me my wedding day yesterday, make things official, and then hurry off to play martyr. How dare he!

I think it’s been proven time and time again that my temper gets me into some pretty tight shit. If I really wanted to analyze the situation, I could trace every fucked-up part of this ordeal back to some random, stupid, knee-jerk decision by me. I took a psychology class sophomore year and learned that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviors again and again, while expecting different outcomes, or some shit like that.

Jay, my
husband,
no doubt trusts that’s exactly what will happen. That’s why the reinforcements were brought in. The group of people sitting at my kitchen table right now were probably well-instructed on how to keep me contained so I can’t fuck even this situation up.

Things will never change. I can grow older, get married, have a baby... they will always see me as some kid who lashes out, does something stupid, and they need to run in and save the day. To say that I’ve been underestimated would be sugar coating it. I’ve been around this family, this club, way too long to just sit back and let others pull the strings.

I inhale a long, slow, deep breath and count to ten. I think I learned that in my psychology class, too. I methodically smooth out the tattered paper over my thigh and carefully fold it so that it is no longer a ball of trash.

Who can I call right now? No doubt Sunny would help if I asked her to, but that would cause a shitstorm of problems for her and Tiny. I’m not too sure about Charlie... she and Clink are... well, I actually don’t even know what she and Clink are... but, he’s almost as much of a neanderthal as Jay is sometimes. I don’t want to go stirring up a hornet’s nest for her.

Jess. A waive of relief washes over me as I remember that Jess is still in town. She spent the night over at Charlie’s to give Jay and me our space for our wedding night.

I glance at the bedside clock. Shit! She might be heading home at this very moment. I lunge for my cell phone, and furiously text, not risking a phone call that could betray me and seep out to be heard by my guests.

ME: PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE

STILL AROUND?

I close my eyes tight. The white backdrop returns, this time from the growing pressure as I squeeze my lids against each other. Please still be here. Please still be here. Please still be here. A soft vibrate rattles in my hand.

JESS: MORNING MRS. CAULEY

There is a God. I methodically key in my request.

ME: I NEED YOU.

SOMETHING’S HAPPENED AND

I NEED YOUR HELP.

PLEASE JUST DO WHAT I

ASK. I’LL ANSWER ANY

QUESTIONS YOU HAVE LATER.

Jess is a very curious person. I just need her to put that aside for a moment and do as I ask.

JESS: OK. WHAT DO YOU NEED?

Thatta girl!

ME: I NEED YOU TO CONTACT

SPECIAL AGENT GIBSON.

TELL HIM I AM READY TO

HELP HIM. THEN THE TWO

OF YOU COME TO MY HOUSE

AND GET ME.

I drop the phone down onto the padded mattress, and let the full weight of my request settle in. This goes against everything I know, everything I was taught. You don’t bring cops into club business. You don’t bring outsiders, either. I know my actions won’t be looked upon lightly, but I don’t fucking care. The thought of being alone, without Jay is too much to bear. The thought of our child not knowing their father other than through a set of bars, sickens me.