A Life Plan Without You. (51 page)

“Best I get up, washed, and dressed then. Good job I bought
that lot.” He hasn’t been home since we went to Manchester. He had
a quick shower, brushed his teeth, with my toothbrush. He looked
hot with the dripping water. Gosh we’ve been here before. He put on
new undies and yes, I was looking. He was nice to look at black
jeans and he pulled on a white tee shirt and a black cotton shirt,
he turned suddenly and smiled as he caught me biting my lip and
looking at him. He laughed as my foot caught his behind.

I left him to it I needed a shower, and boy did the water hurt
my face. I wrapped my towel around me and changed my knickers for a
clean pair. I looked through my ever-increasing wardrobe. A new
dress from Sam, a black and white stripped one, that’s the one. I
pulled the sides of my hair up with the side combs it looked nice
so I left it curly. I headed downstairs.

Dad was home and I kept my head away from his view, but too
late, he’d seen it. No amount of makeup was covering the lip. Sam
was sat with a drink, watching for his reaction.

“Adam needs to keep that bloody dog on a lead, it looks sore,
is it?” I looked at him.

“You’d think so, he did shout at the thing but you know what
Duchess is like, she has a mind of her own she thought I was
playing with her again. She was smacked and Adam was sorry, it was
just an accident Dad.” I picked Emma’s things up from the back sofa
were I had dumped them yesterday.

“Dad please can you give us a lift up to the hospital with
these?” He picked his keys up.

“Get in, I have to go see Uncle Michael anyway, you sure
that’s all right? Get a nurse to look at it you're going to the
right place. How's your Mum Sam?”

“She's fine, getting better now she has seen Michelle and is
eating now. She still has a bit of bother breathing, but she will
be fine. Thanks for asking Michael.” Dad laughed, as Sam looked
uncomfortable sat at his side.

He dropped us of and went, still fuming at Adam’s dog. We
headed in, Sam held me tightly.

“Good job I went for the jog this morning angel.” I looked at
him he just looked worried and kissed the corner of my chubby lips.
We got to the ward and Emma bless her, had a blue fit when she saw
my lip.

“It looks worse than it is Emma I got roughed up by a dog on
the playing field this morning, he wanted to play with me. I lost
my footing and hit some steps.” Sam gave her the bags she looked
through them.

“Oh Sam there’s too much here but thank you, I needed new
slippers and dressing gown how clever of you.” He blushed as his
mum hugged him. He looked at me, as I stuck out my tongue, so
childish, Sam laughed loudly at me.

“Thank Michelle; she picked them I just paid.” I copped a
cuddle too.

“Have you eaten this morning?” Her plate lay on the table
untouched.

“I’m not hungry and I don’t like the food here.” I went to the
nurses’ station,

“Can I make Emma something to eat, and then try to get her to
eat it?” They pointed to the kitchen.

“There are things in the fridge will you be all right? Make
her a cup of tea too she may drink it if you two are here.” I went
in and made her scrambled eggs with thick cream cheese on toast,
and a nice cup of tea. I showed the nurse the tray she smiled, and
wished me luck.

“No arguments Emma, you have to eat or they won’t let you come
home Monday.” She smiled and ate it I’m sitting by her side until
it’s gone. Sam looked at me.

“What, have I got something on my face?” He smiled she was
tucking into it and enjoying it, he sat smiling.

“Me in a minute Mi cielo I love you so much.” She must have
been hungry it disappeared in a flash, her knife and fork placed on
the empty plate, she sighed.

“That was very nice Michelle thank you.” I showed the nurse
the empty plate, promising to replace the things we’d used and she
smiled. I cleared the pots away I washed them in the kitchen and
left them to drain. We sat with Emma for a while until Aunty
Allison showed up, so we gave kisses and went to leave.

“You two are at ours tomorrow, for Sunday dinner Samuel?” I
laughed.

“What time do you want me to come and cook it then?” She
tapped her nose.

“Come when you’re ready, I will however put the joint in at
two.” I smiled.

“See you at two then, we can do one for you Emma and bring it
for evening visit?” We left them to it and walked off fingers
linked. We walked down towards Stockton town centre, Sam held me
tightly.

“You like Mum a lot don’t you Michelle? What you did for her
today was so nice.” I looked at him catching flies.

“Stupid question Sam what’s not to like? She’s a really nice
person, who doesn’t need the shit in her life. She has to get out
before Sam, before your Dad does something worse to her. This
wasn’t an accident was it? Why do you and Andy let him get away
with it? He’s nothing but a drunk and a wife-beating bully, you
both could sort him out. Beggars belief you haven’t done it
already.” He was mad at me, he let go of my hand, and he gave me a
horrid look, and then stormed off. I’d shouted at him shit I called
for him to come back, but he carried on walking I wasn’t going to
chase after him. I sat on a bench in the Memorial Gardens.
Michelle, don’t you think he doesn’t know that already?

I walked off, how the fuck did she guess everything? Jesus,
she knows and I need some air I need to calm down, I need to get
her away from all this, this is how she will have to live if she
stops with me, this will be her life too, I can’t drag her into
this! I walk and walk, then I realise I have bloody walked a long
way I turn where is Michelle she didn’t follow me, fuck stupid
bastard Todd, why would she?

I need my head seeing to. I only thought I went a short way,
bloody hell I’m nearly back at the hospital! I need to find her and
explain, why does she think it’s so easy to get her to move out,
she won’t go. James can leave when he leaves college. We will
forcibly move her out after that order is lifted! Michelle is sat
on her steps in the rain crying and screaming at the sky to stop
raining, that isn’t going to stop the rain baby besides it just
hides my tears…

The voices in my head were really having a go at me. I can’t
take it back I’d said it. I sat and waited for a while he didn’t
come back, so I went home. I’d done and said some stupid things
before but I didn’t actually think this was stupid though? I got to
the field slipped off my shoes and walked across it home. I wasn’t
going to cry, but I did. I went to sit on the steps I threw my
shoes at them, boy I was had a bad temper tantrum with myself.
Sitting on the steps, I pulled my knees up burying my head in them
and cried. When I mess up, I do it well I’m feeling sorry for
myself and the tears just wouldn’t stop. I lay on the steps cloud
watching, I closed my eyes as it started to rain. I scream abuse at
the sky for making it rain.

“Sodding perfect, pissed wet through and dumped. Can he hate
me anymore than I do myself?” I’m still crying as the rain falls, I
am wet through and don’t give a damn, I should stand and run home,
but I can’t be bothered, I feel like curling up in a ball and
crying. Better judgment wins the day and I sat up to go home, the
sudden movement behind me makes me jump, he was sat watching me
from the top step, and smiling.

“I don’t hate you Michelle I love you so, so much. How can I
expect you to understand, when I don’t bloody understand it myself
baby? I am so screwed up and lost with all this, I don’t know what
to do anymore, our lives are a fucking nightmare and it’s been
going on forever. Mum wants it like this don’t ask me why she’s not
for leaving, because we try all the time. All the time Michelle, do
you know how awful we feel, how utterly useless and small he makes
us feel, day in and day out, he’s a mean bastard, but she thinks he
will change, and that’s the stupid thing about all this, he’s
getting worse and we are sucked deeper into it by her
denial.

Hearing you saying it aloud, just made me angry, if you can
see it why can’t she? I want to keep her safe of course I do, I
love my Mum. She won’t discuss it at all and it just upsets her
when we do try. She shuts down and well gets unwell, so we don’t. I
can buy her a house tomorrow away from him, next to Aunty. She
won’t have it and I don’t know why baby, I just don’t know why? We
pay him off and he leaves her alone. This time he, well he took
money from my drawer and Jimmy tried to stop him. She protected him
and ‘fell’ down the stairs.

Don’t judge us we try all the time, Andy has had a bad time
all his life, that’s where his demons come from. Can we just not
discuss it anymore, it makes me angry and I don’t like being like
this around you Michelle. I like feeling loved and safe, you make
me feel like that all the time.” He came and sat at the side of me,
he had even redder eyes than I had. It seems we both had shed a few
tears he pulled me onto his lap as I cried.

“So I’m not dumped then?” He kissed me.

“No never, I’m so sorry that I walked off, I needed to calm
down, I won’t do it again, leave you I promise baby.” He picked up
my broken shoe.

“What happened to this?” I shrugged my shoulders.

“I may have thrown them at the steps, in anger because I’m
ruining everything.” He put the broken shoe in his pocket and gave
me the other. He carried me over the field. We were like drowned
rats when we finally got home.

“It seems Michelle, that I owe you a pair of nice white
shoes.” He’d laughed at me scowling as we walked home. His smile
now back on his face and my heart back where it belonged, because
Sam hadn’t dumped me. I went in the front room nobody was in and
the back room was empty too, we were alone and I was about to take
advantage of the situation, well as much as I could and as much as
Sam would let me get away with.

“Come on get upstairs get another shower and change. I’ll put
all our stuff in to wash and get it dried.” He came back into my
room looking fresh and sexy from the shower, so I moved to the back
of my bed as he threw on his jeans and tee shirt and lay on the
bed, putting his head on my lap. I put my arms over him as he
started to cry and I mean he really cried. He turned towards my
stomach and he buried his face into it and me. I held him, just
held him tightly and let him cry, he seemed to need to get the crap
out, did he cry much or had he only done it since he met me? This
had been going on his whole life, poor Sam. I held him, and as I
did I ran my fingers through his hair, he had calmed down and as
the crying faded to nothing my angel he at last slept.

My dad was a drinker and heavy too, but he never was a hitter,
nasty sometimes. He had been known to throw stuff and break things
at the wall and on the odd occasion through the window, but never
violent with us. Becky was home she came running up the
stairs.

“Shush, please Becky.” I whispered, she smiled grabbed her bag
and went out. I was still holding him when mum came up, Becks must
have told mum, who came straight up the stairs. Her concern for Sam
was quite genuine, which was nice to see.

“Everything okay Michelle?” I nodded. She watched, as Sam
seemed to be having a nightmare of sorts. She too looked worried,
as he sobbed in his sleep, which made her sigh. He grabbed me
tighter and nestled into my body and she smiled.

“It will be Mum, there's trouble at home with his drunken
Father. Can Becks please go babysitting, for Uncle Donald tonight?”
She said she’d sort it, and then Sam began moving, but just to get
closer. He was mumbling in his sleep I listened but couldn’t make
anything out, apart from no, over and over, no. Mum sighed and said
he was a troubled young man, and went downstairs. I looked down, as
he seemed to cry, she didn't know the half of it.

He slept for quite a while, as I continued running my fingers
through his hair, just watching him as he slept. His grip got
firmer, as he was waking. He pulled me to him and kissed me. I
kissed him back, I felt the same urgency in him from our alley
encounter, and he stopped, looked at me, and smiled.

“Hello beautiful, how long did I sleep for?” He looked up at
me and smiled, pulling my face to his and kissing me.

“It’s quite late angel, Becky has left to babysit for me so
you could sleep.” He sat up and smiled.

“I haven’t been sleeping too well lately. Worrying about Mum
and the whole home shit.” He looked sad again. “Baby please get
dressed because we are going out, I want to spoil you.” He started
to dress in the grey things I had bought for him and damn he looked
good in it too. He went to the bathroom to do his teeth, so I
transferred the contents of one jacket, to the other, his wallet
fell open and there was a picture of a girl in it. Strange, who was
she and I couldn’t say anything as I had been snooping, damn it? I
closed it and put it back in his pocket. He took the jacket from
me, and as he touched my hand, I shuddered, something was
different, I wasn’t sure why or who the girl was, nor why he still
had her picture in his wallet, was she more special to him than I
was and was she the one other? Shit and damn it, how could I ask
without letting him know I had seen it?

He smiled and leant down for smoochy long kiss, sighing when
his lips left mine, he went to make him and mum a coffee whilst I
went and changed. Lady days over thank God, I washed my hair
wrapped it in a towel, brushed my teeth and went to get dressed. I
wore the new dress in silver, which Sam had bought me, it was so
nice on too. Damn that man can pick clothes, I put on the new
underwear and I finished the look of with makeup and hair up and in
a chignon, with a quick squirt of my new perfume. I looked in the
mirror and wow, I looked like I’d stepped back to the fifties. It
really was a nice dress and a good look too. Shoes in hand I went
down stairs, stopping on the bottom step to put them on. I went in
the front room, Sam stood up.