A Leap of Faith (27 page)

Marcy stared at me, stunned. The colour drained from her face as she realised the severity of her actions; her hands were dirty. If she wanted forgiveness she would need to go to church, cause she was getting none in this room.

“Get out!” I growled, I’d heard enough. I wanted her gone.

Matt grabbed her arms and gently escorted her to the door. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to be diplomatic or he didn’t trust Alex, but either way I was glad he removed her, following her out and closing the door behind them.

Alex’s face was tormented with emotions, I could tell he had questions. I sensed his anger. Was it’s cause that I hadn’t told him or because I’d agreed to meet Marcy by myself? He chewed his lip as he sat silently beside me. A wall shot up between us, I felt the ice from his steely facade.

“Say it,” I whispered. The silence was something I didn’t want to endure right now, not from him.

“Say what?” He cocked his eyebrow. I couldn’t decipher whether he was avoiding it or if he honestly didn’t know what I was talking about.

“It’s written on your face. You want to know why I didn’t tell you she called, why I didn’t tell you I was meeting her. Say it!” I snapped.

“Lexi,” Alex breathed, “now isn’t the time. I only want you to get better. Nothing else matters right now.” He ran his hand through his impossibly perfect hair; even sleep deprived and emotional he still looked amazing.

I did my best to turn my battered body onto my side, rolling away from him. I just couldn’t bare it any longer.

“Don’t do it Lexi, don’t shut me out.” Alex’s hand gently stroked my hair.

Shut him out? He had seen me more naked than anyone ever had. I had laid myself bare for him. What the hell more did he want? I was too exhausted to give anything else right now. Maybe I’d read him wrong, maybe it was just concern in his eyes? Either way I had to worry about myself right now. I need to heal and not just my body.

I eased back into the bed in Alex’s Manhattan apartment. He called it “ours” but it no longer felt like mine.  The room hadn’t changed since I was last here; the familiarity was both comforting and surreal. I was different, even if the room was not.

I had been discharged from the hospital after a week. The bruising had started to yellow and I was handling the pain with mild analgesics. The hospital shrink had agreed that my recovery would be expedited from home, rather than a hospital ward.  Dr. Sarah Hart had made me commit to weekly therapy sessions as a condition of my discharge. Waste of fucking time if you ask me. Sitting around playing the poor me card was not in my repertoire but I was done staring at the sterile, white washed walls of the hospital and needed out so I agreed to her terms.

The media storm was starting to wind down too, originally I couldn’t turn on a TV or pick up a newspaper without hearing about the “Horrific attack on Alex Stone’s wife” or “Lexi Reed, publicist for Power Station sexually assaulted by psycho ex-boyfriend.” Matt and Anna handled it beautifully, despite some of my “friends” feeling the need to weigh in. What do you know? My Christmas card list just got a hell of lot shorter (if I actually wrote Christmas cards). Publicity whores!

I had gotten the muted, obligatory concern from my family. I knew it was more about keeping up appearances and not actual concern. I no longer cared, that part of my life was over and I had no emotions left for it.

My real family, my friends, rallied around me. They refused to speak to the press, making my recovery their sole concern. The band, who had been once my job, closed ranks and showered me with support. I was theirs and they didn’t take kindly to one of theirs being messed with.

Alex was flawless in his dedication and attentiveness. He was fiercely protective, installing
24-hour security, which meant I was now being shadowed by a bodyguard.  I tried to argue but Alex refused to yield, the only concession he gave me was allowing me to choose the appointee. DarNell had been my choice, if I was going to have a babysitter it was going to be someone who would understand me and not offer unsolicited advice.  DarNell fit the bill.

“You hungry baby? Doctor says you need to eat and you haven’t eaten since breakfast.”
Alex sat on the edge of the bed. Last night had been strange for both of us. While we shared the same space, he was hesitant toward me. He’d held me but it felt strained, distant.

“No. Maybe I’ll get something later.” I mumbled as I thumbed the remote through the ridiculous number of channels. How can there be in excess of a hundred different choices and there be nothing to watch?

Alex laid gently beside me, his astonishing blue eyes following the lines of my body. It had been so long since he’d touched me, not in the everyday sense of the word but really touched me. In the past we rarely went ten hours without some kind of sexual contact, let alone ten days. We’d often joked about who was the biggest fiend, it’s what we were. We had an insatiable need for each other.  It was like a switch had been flipped, it needed to be turned back on, for both of us.

Something inside me stirred, I needed to feel close to him. I was desperate to bring back some of what we had had before it was stolen from us. I needed to have Alex’s hands on me, feel his naked skin against mine. I wanted to feel him in me.

I tossed the remote to the side and twisted to face him. He watched me curiously as I stretched out my hand and ran it against the gentle stubble of his jaw. The little hairs bristled under my fingertips, slowly awaking other feelings in me. God, he was good looking.

I leaned in closer and allowed my lips to brush against his. They parted, welcoming my tongue as it licked the edges of his mouth. He kissed me tenderly but I felt the hesitation, he was holding back. 

“Alex,” I whispered in between kisses, “I want you.” My hands followed down his amazingly sculptured chest, the thin cotton of his t-shirt doing little to hide the hard expanse of muscle.

“Lexi,” he closed his eyes as he continued to kiss me. I clawed back through the
distance; yes this is what we needed. I needed him to erase what had been done to me before. I needed for my body to feel sexual again.

I ran my hand down to the fly of his jeans. I was met with the rock hard swell of his erection, straining against the front of his jeans. Yes, he wanted this too. I moaned as my hand palmed him, giving him the delicious friction I knew he craved. I need
ed to feel him, feel that he still wanted me.

“Lexi, No!” Alex’s hands gripped mine and pushed them away. “It’s too soon, we need to take it slow.” His eyes darkened as he slowly moved back across the mattress. 

“C’mon Alex. I can feel how hard you are. I know you want this too.” I tried to soothe him as I shuffled closer. The polite gentlemen shit was cute but it’s not what I wanted to hear.

“Lexi, I’m serious.” He stood up, his rock hard cock leaving no doubt that while his mind was saying no, his body was saying a resounding Hell Yes!

“This” He grabbed his hardness in his hands, “It’s not about this. It’s barely been two weeks Lexi. You need to give yourself some time. Dr Hart already said you show the hallmarks of PTSD. I’m not going to compound that by doing something that I’m going to regret.” He dragged his hand through his hair. He was frustrated.

“Dr Hart said I may have PTSD. Big fucking deal! Show me someone who hasn’t had some kind of therapy? I know my body, I know what I want. I want you Alex, I need you.” I stared at him as he shook his head. Was I seriously begging him for sex? Maybe I was fucked up? When the hell did I start needing to beg for my husband to make love to me?

“You know what, fuck it!” I threw the covers off my body and strode into the bathroom. I locked the door and turned on the shower as hot as I could stand it. I stripped off my lousy excuse for pyjamas (one of Alex’s concert shirts and my panties) and climbed into the glass stall. I sunk to my feet, the hot water crashing over my head and body as I felt my resolve weakening. I cried. Big, ugly sobs. My chest hurt so much it felt like it was tearing apart from the inside. I was broken, damaged, a freak. Was I really some kind of fiend? Maybe wanting sex so soon after being raped wasn’t normal? No wonder Alex looked at me like that, with horror. Fuck! What must he think of me? Maybe in his mind, I’d somehow deserved it?

NO! He wouldn’t think that. No matter how mad he had been about my omission of truth about Marcy, the phone conversation and the visit, he had never insinuated it was my fault. I’d said no right? I had fought back right? Maybe I didn’t fight
hard enough!? No! I had said no! it wasn’t my fault! That animal who took me against my will, it was all on HIM. I would not own this. Yet regardless of whose fault it was, here I was sitting alone, crying.

“Baby, please don’t cry. God, I’m sorry. Please baby let me in.” Alex begged through the bathroom door.

“Go away Alex!” I sobbed, ashamed at what I’d been reduced to. I didn’t want him to see me like this. He had already seen me weak and I couldn’t handle crumbling any further in front of him.

“Baby, it’s breaking my heart. Please open the door?” Alex pleaded. His fists pounding against the wooden bathroom door.

“Please... just leave.” I stuttered in a small voice, not wanting to lift myself from the mess at the bottom of the shower floor.

Alex stopped knocking. I quietly popped open the glass door and strained to hear if he was still there. A long, audible sigh confirmed he was.

“Ok. I’ll give you some space. I’m going to crash in the guest bedroom. Let me know if you need anything.”

I heard his heavy footsteps carry down the hall. Yep, this was great. I had tried to have sex with him and instead
, ended up sleeping alone. God! Shut the fuck up! I brought my fists to my head as the pounding increased. He did what you asked him to do, you told him to leave and he did. What did you expect?

I was hurt, rejection rippled through me. I knew it wasn’t logical, yet the intelligence of the argument was wasted on me. I was also seething with anger and confusion. No wonder he was keeping his distance. I was certifiable. Maybe I needed to start taking those “happy pills” Dr. Hart had prescribed for me, the ones I vehemently denied needing. Paging the men in white coats, crazy moody bitch in aisle two requiring a clean up.

I wobbled as I stood, my head spun from the quickness of my change in altitude. I used the walls to steady myself as I shut off the water and pulled a fluffy oversized towel over my body. I let the warmness of the Egyptian cotton envelop me as I rubbed my body. Almost as a punishment, I towelled my limbs harshly. My skin blushed pink from the vigorous pat down. I needed to feel. Right now all I had was pain. I ran a comb roughly through my tangled mane, not bothering to blow dry it. Fuck it! Who cares if I got sick? I left my towel and dirty clothes piled on the tiles, not having enough motivation to carry them to the hamper. Fuck it! I repeated in my head as I strolled naked into the bedroom.  Standing at the jamb I peered down the hall and saw that the door of the Guest room was shut. No light. No noise. I knew that’s where he was but I couldn’t make myself go to him. I couldn’t beg. I needed him to want me, as sick and depraved as it sounded. I needed him to crave me. My inner disapproving feminist just flipped me off as I stood on the threshold.  Go the fuck to bed, Lexi Reed. This is not Twilight and you are sure as shit are NOT Bella Swan.

When I woke up, the apartment was empty. Alex had left early and went to workout in the gym, or so the note on the kitchen counter informed me. Maybe he was just avoiding me, avoiding the awkwardness that was now our existence. I was alone, except for DarNell’s looming presence on the outside of the front door.

My stomach growled in protest from skipping lunch and dinner yesterday. My loss of appetite was being over-ridden by my biological need for nourishment. Food. Ughhh, I had no desire to eat and despite my body’s dissent
, I decided instead to get dressed and venture outside.

I hadn’t been “outside” since we got back, unless you count being transported to and from hospital. Granted, I hadn’t exactly been in good enough shape to stroll through the streets of Manhattan, but now I was feeling claustrophobic. Caged. Isolated. Of course people had stopped by and visited and there was a constant stream of emails, phone calls and text messages but it all felt the same. Their pity and sadness filled the rooms and I hated it.

Throwing on jeans and a t-shirt, I left my hair down and threw on a baseball cap. I looked delightfully un-remarkable as I covered my eyes with Alex’s mirrored aviators. Now I just needed the over-sized take away Starbuck’s cup and I was the perfect celebrity cliché. HA! Just knowing I was going outside made me smile even though I had no idea of where I was heading.

DarNell looked startled when I opened the door. “Lexi,” he greeted me.

“Hey D! I’m bored. Let’s get out of here for a few hours ok?” I smiled, tossing my phone and keys into my handbag.

“You sure you are ready for that? There’s press sniffing around downstairs.” DarNell rubbed his chin displaying his displeasure for my idea.

“So we can go down to the underground car park and drive out. The windows are so tinted in the Escalade, they won’t know who it is. If I have to stare at these walls another day I’m going to lose my shit. Think of it as a little covert operation. You know Jake would be into it if he was here.” I baited.

DarNell let out a large, throaty laugh. “Yeah, Jake would probably be cammed up, ready to extract!” He jingled his keys in his pocket. “Ok, where too?”

I gave him a massive smile and clapped enthusiastically as we walked to the elevator, “I don’t know, some where we can just get lost for a little while.”

“I know just the place.” DarNell press the B button as the door closed. “You tell Alex you’re going AWOL?”

“I left a note.” I smirked, knowing that Alex would probably go out of his mind knowing I had left without him. I wasn’t trying to piss him off, ok maybe just a little, but this is exactly what the “old Lexi” would have done. We needed to try and get back to “normal” - whatever our definition of it used to be.

The doors flew open and the bright artificial lights of the parking garage welcomed us. DarNell shook his head.

“What?! You disapprove?” I questioned.

“Nothing. It’s not my business
,” DarNell frowned.

“That never stopped you from speaking freely with me before. Please DarNell, just fucking talk to me like you used to. I’m sick of people treating me like I’m made of glass.”

“You know he’s going to lose his shit right? I can’t say I blame him Lexi. Seeing you the way he did… It changes a man. You know what I had to do to restrain him that night when we got the call from the cops? Lexi, Alex wanted to kill him. Not in the flippant way we drop the word here and there, I mean actually take his life from his body. It was like he was possessed or something. I’ve never seen him like that, ever. So yeah, I fucking disapprove.” He walked to the door and held it open for me.

It was like I’d been slapped in the face. So, added to the roller coaster of emotions I already felt, guilt over Alex was piled on there too.

“D, I’m hurting too.” I was glad Alex’s Ray Bans were hiding my eyes as tears began welling.

“Shit Lex. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, it’s just you know - he’s a fucking mess too.” DarNell shuffled in place, clearly uncomfortable with our little emotional tete-a-tete.

“No, I’m glad you told me. No one seems to talk to me like I’m real anymore. I hate it.” I wiped at the tear traveling down my cheek.

“Yeah well any time you need someone to get real with ya, you just let me know. I’m not real good with this sensitivity horse-shit.” DarNell’s smile eased the awkwardness.

“Thanks D. Let’s get out of here.” I buckled up my seat belt and DarNell climbed into the driver’s seat. 

As we eased out of the parking garage into the street, so did my mind. At least for a little bit I felt like I could breathe again.

~~~~~~

DarNell and I had spent the morning
and most of the afternoon wandering around Central Park. We ate junk food from street vendors and no one seemed to know or care who I was. It was heaven. DarNell wasn’t much of a talker so the conversation was kept to a minimum, but it was easy and relaxed. This was better than any magic pill Dr. Hart prescribed for me.

Alex had called DarNell, and I could tell by D’s tone, that Alex had probably chewed him out. He took it in his stride and assured Alex he had the “situation under control” but I knew that when we got home the easy and relaxed atmosphere we had experienced would evaporate.

As wonderful as the day had been, it had to end. The drive back to the apartment was met with mixed emotions. I couldn’t regret the day, I had needed it. Alex would have to understand. I just hated that I had unwillingly dragged DarNell into this mess. I wouldn’t allow Alex to take it out on him. No, if he was going to be mad, he could be mad at me and me alone.

I straightened my posture before entering the apartment, ready for the argument that would surely follow. I pushed open the door and took a deep breath.

Alex looked relaxed as he sat on the couch, his 1970s Stratocaster in his hand while he scribbled on the notebook in front on him. “Hey.” He glanced up at me. If he was still angry he was hiding it well.

“Hey,” I responded as I sunk into the seat next to him, “You working on a new song?”

“Yeah, I had a riff floating around in my head earlier. I wanted to get it down.” As Alex moved the guitar out of his lap, I noticed his right hand was red and swollen.

“Alex, what the fuck?” I picked up his hand to inspect it.

“I punched a wall!” he responded blandly.

“You punched a wall? Why?” I blinked

“Figured it was better than the alternative.” Alex closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

“Alex, look at me. I’m sorry if I pissed you off before. I just needed to get out of here for a bit. I felt like I was in a cage.” I hated the distance that was between us, it seemed to have grown since last night.

Alex opened his eyes slowly, “Lexi, I wasn’t pissed off. I was... look we need to talk.”

“I agree.” I curled my legs under my body as I faced him.

“Last night, it wasn’t that I didn’t want you. God, I had a fucking hard on for three hours.” Alex’s lips curled into a wicked half grin.

“Then why did you say no? Why not at least attempt it?”

“Because if anything I did brought you back to that place, brought up those feelings in you - it would destroy me. The thought of us being together and then seeing hurt or fear in your eyes, I just can’t do it. I’m on a hair trigger Lex, that would finish me.” Alex’s face was tortured, dark and it scared me a little.

“I wouldn’t be thinking of him, because it’s you. I know you can’t understand it but I need you to help me heal.” I glided my fingers along the contours of his jaw, his stubble bristling underneath.

“In the hospital… You thought I was him... When I touched you. You pulled away. You kept saying no.” Alex’s eyes darkened.

I tried to search my memory bank but all I came up with was haze. Fragmented memories of those hours
laying in that bed. I can’t imagine ever pulling away from Alex, “I…I don’t remember. Alex, I know you aren’t him. Look at me, I know you won’t hurt me.”

“I’m not trying to pull this macho caveman bullshit on you Lexi but I swear I have this undeniable urge to protect you. I can’t lose you.” Alex gazed at me intently.

“You are not going to lose me but you need to stop treating me like I’m going to shatter at any moment. I need to feel like me again and we need to move on with our lives. I’ve been dealing with fucked up shit my whole life and the only way I know is to go forward. I need to push through, demons withstanding.”

“Then let me show you another way Lex, let me show you we can still move forward while we reconcile the past. We can bury those demons, we can be free of them forever. Let me help you. You can’t do this on your own and I need to be a part of this, I can already feel you slipping away.” Alex moved closer and pushed a stray hair away from my face.

He was right, we both were slipping. It was like being halfway up Mt Everest and wondering if it was worth the risk in trying to reach the summit. Not because you didn’t want to, because you wouldn’t have started climbing the stupid mountain if you didn’t have that desperate desire from the start. It was about whether you would make it and whether you would survive that journey. There was no shame in half way, it was higher than I’d gone and it was not without causalities. The next part of the climb was by far the most dangerous and scariest part. I wasn’t just risking not making it to the
top; I was risking myself as well. It was easier when I had nothing to lose, but now things were different. I’d been climbing thus far unaided, thinking it would be a sign of weakness if I needed help – that was one of my demons. But if I was going to go any further, there was no way I could do it alone. I would need to silence that voice that stopped me from reaching out. I needed to extend my hand and know that didn’t diminish who I was.

I looked at Alex, at his beautiful, hypnotic blue eyes. Did I stay and climb? Or did I decide the loss of life was too grea
t? He’d already made his choice - he needed to reach the summit. He wasn’t a halfway kind of guy and it wasn’t a pride thing, it was genetically engineered into him. He had no other choice and he was willing to carry me. However even the strongest, most dedicated climbers sometimes failed.

“Alex, it’s not easy for me. I’ve always done things on my own.” I closed my eyes and let my head fall back onto the couch.

“But you aren’t on your own anymore. I’m here. I want us to be whole again Lexi.” I could feel Alex move closer.

I kept my eyes closed, not ready to look at him, “Do you still want a family... with me?”

“Open your eyes Lexi.” Alex’s liquid voice coaxed my lids open. “YOU are my family. I want you. I’ve always wanted you and that isn’t going to change.”

I could feel my chest tightening, my breaths becoming quicker and more shallow.

“Breathe Lexi, Breathe. Baby… I love you. And if all it ever ends up being is the two of us, well I’m ok with that.  Really, I am. What I’m not ok with, is losing you and I don’t mean just physically.”

I closed my eyes again and let each breath fill my lungs completely before I exhaled. I wanted to go further. I needed to do this and I would take whatever lifeline I had to take to get there. It was time to tighten the laces on my boots and dig in.

“Ok Alex, I’m ready. Help me make it to the top.”

Alex’s strong arms wrapped around me, his mouth twisting into his famous half grin, confused by my choice of words. “Are you still trying to get me into bed?”

“Are you still saying no?” A ghost of a grin played on my lips.

Alex flashed his eyes closed before re-opening them, his brilliant blue gaze fixing on mine.

“Not like this Baby, as much as I want you. It can’t be like this. Can I just hold you?”

I sucked in the air hard, allowing it to fill me before slowly breathing out. We were in this together and if one of us fell, we both would.

“Yeah, I think I would like that.”

This was one hell of a gamble and one we both were willing to make. Only time would tell if we would become statistics or conquerors. 

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