A Kiss for Cade (30 page)

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Z
oe glanced at the wall clock. Two hours they’d sat in silence. How long could they keep it up?

She glared at Cade. There he lay, hat over his face, ignoring her.

“Cade.”

“What?”

“This is insane. If we’re ever going to get out of here, we have to talk.”

Rolling off the bunk, he stepped to the window to peer through the bars. “We can talk until the rapture, and you won’t change my mind. I’m not giving the kids to you.”

Measles or no measles, he needed a good throttling, Zoe decided. “Fine, but soon it’s going to be out of both our hands.”

Cade turned to look at her, his eyes bright with fever. “Pop can lock us up, but the decision is still mine to make.”

“Laticia says she’s taking the kids home with her. If we’re both locked behind bars, she’ll do what she wants.”

He returned to sit beside her on the floor.

Zoe reached over to feel his forehead. “You’d better lie down. You look sick.”

“Isn’t that how most starved men look?”

“Stop complaining.”

“My head hurts, and it’s from not eating.”

“You’ll be fine in a day or two, as soon as the spots appear.”

“That’s all I need. Spots.”

“Spots are the least of our worries.” She sighed, resting her head against the wall. “If I were to get on my knees and beg you, would that convince you to let me have the kids? Wouldn’t that make more sense than handing them over to Laticia?”

“Am I mumbling words? No, I said, no.” Cade got up and moved to the bunk. Wadding the pillow under his head, he sighed heavily and stretched out.

“Am I so incompetent that you don’t trust me with their welfare?”

“I know you’d be a good mother.”

Rising, she picked up the other pillow and gently whacked him on the chest. “You stubborn mule!”

He grabbed the pillow out of her hands and pitched it to the floor. “You won’t give up, will you?”

“No.” She crossed her arms.

Sitting up, he took a long breath and released it slowly. “All right. I didn’t want you to know this, but there’s someone dead set on killing me before I get him. His name is Hart McGill.”

Her hand flew to her throat, and she suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Kill him? That wasn’t surprising, not in view of his vocation, but he made it sound as if McGill had made it a personal vendetta. “What does that have to do with me having the kids?”

“McGill’s out for revenge. He already killed my best friend. He’ll kill anything or anyone connected to me.”

“He’d kill children?” She couldn’t imagine what kind of animal would kill innocent children.

“He’d pistol-whip a hummingbird if it suited him. When we meet up, only one of us will walk away.”

She sat on the bunk beside him, trying to understand. Her hand crept over to cover his and the silence continued. Finally, she said. “Why would he hate you so?”

“I killed his brother.”

“Cade. For money?”

“In self-defense. I was taking the man in when he turned on me. It was either me or him, Red. I chose me.”

“Does McGill know where you are?”

“I don’t know. I spread word around that I was on my way to St. Louis, but he’s no fool. I have to get the kids settled and move on before he realizes he’s been tricked.”

“That’s why you’re so eager to leave? Because you think you’re endangering the children’s lives?”

“If I stay, McGill will come to Winterborn.” With a finger under her chin, Cade made her look at him. “I won’t put the children, or you, in his path.”

“I’ll move.”

“No. I have to place them with someone who has no connection to me. You and I go way back. It would be careless to leave them with you, and I’m not just thinking about the kids. I’m thinking of your safety too. I always have been.”

Finding her voice, she said, “You’re right, of course.” Her words were barely a whisper. “The children must come first.” She slid off the bunk and paced the small cell. “But Laticia. Letting her have them isn’t the answer. McGill could easily come after her too.”

“Not a chance. One look at her, and he’d run like the yellow belly he is.”

She smiled, aware that he was trying to lighten the mood. “The kids would be miserable with Laticia. Cade, please. I’ll do anything to keep them with me. I’ll move, change our names. Anything.”

“Red.” He reached out to her, and she went to him willingly. Resting against his chest, with his arms wrapped tightly around her, she felt protected from the McGills of the world. “I can’t let you move and change your name. This is your home.”

She jerked back. He knew nothing about her. Nothing. She’d kept the truth bundled up for so long, she was about to burst. “If those kids are taken away from me, I’ll have nothing.” The only weapon she had left was the truth, as painful as it was. She didn’t want his sympathy, but she wanted Brody, Will, Missy, and Holly badly enough to risk it all. “I’ll never have children of my own.”

“Of course you will—”

“I can’t, Cade. I’m barren.”

“Barren?”

“Yes, barren.” She watched as his eyes darkened. Pain crossed his features. He gently pulled her back to him. She laid her head against his breastbone, choking back tears.

“Are you certain?”

“Years ago, I—” It was hard. She had kept the awful secret hidden for so long, she couldn’t find the words or the heart to bare her soul.

“You could be mistaken. Maybe your husband couldn’t—”

“It wasn’t Jim’s fault.”

“Did he talk to Doc Whitney?”

“He didn’t have to.”

Cade nodded. “Pride. But if he wanted—”

“Jim wanted kids as much as I did. Darn you, Cade!” She sat up, fumbling for his handkerchief. “You owe me Addy’s kids!”

“How do you figure?”

She sniffed, dabbing the handkerchief at the corners of her eyes.

“Are you going to tell me why, or are we playing guessing games?”

She sniffed again. “How could you be so blind?” He couldn’t know the can of worms he was opening, he couldn’t, but maybe it was time he did. It wouldn’t change an iota of their lives, but he should know.

“Cade.” Her hand caressed his cheek. He was so hot with fever. “I… don’t know how to say this. Addy wanted to tell you, but I wouldn’t let her. I had such bitterness in my heart.” There was no kind way to say it, no way to spare his feelings. “I was carrying your child when you left fifteen years ago.”

The words sounded like a cannon shot in the quiet cell.

He stared at her. “What?”

“Shhh—just listen.” Dredging up the past reopened the hurt, deep shame, and pain. Sin had a way of demanding its due, though the act, if asked, is completely forgiven. She’d had to work hard on that one. She had lived through long years of feeling as though God had punished her, when in truth he had supplied the grace of forgiveness. Years later, Jim had taught her the beauty of the marriage bed and the joy of God’s creation, and the covenant between a man and a woman. She and Cade had given in to a moment of passion, but now they both knew and understood well the consequences of defiance. “At first I was ecstatic. We were going to have a baby. You and I had created a tiny human being. I couldn’t wait for you to come back home so I could tell you. I thought we could marry quickly, and your parents and Papa would never know. We wouldn’t hurt them with our disobedience to the Word. We’d need only ask God for forgiveness. That was my youthful logic.”

He shook his head, disappointment in his eyes. “Why didn’t you let me know?”

She bit her lower lip. “When you didn’t come home…after a few months I was afraid I couldn’t keep the baby a secret…I got scared. At the time Papa was still alive, and I certainly couldn’t tell him. I had no one to tell except Addy. I cried constantly. Then the bleeding started. All that blood.” She choked on a sob.

He reached for her hand, but she jerked away. “Don’t—” She felt driven to confess, to relieve the awful hurt. “Addy found me the night I lost the baby. If it weren’t for her, I would have died. She nursed me back to health and never told my secret.”

Cade pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. “She never said a word… If I had known. I’m sorry, Zoe.”

She sobbed harder. “I’m sorry too. Sorry we never got to see our baby.”

“Did Ma know?”

Zoe pushed away, wiping her eyes. “Senda? Goodness, no. If she’d known, she would have come after you and dragged you back by the ear.”

“Someone should have.”

“I didn’t want you to be dragged back. I wanted you to come of your own accord.”

He pulled her back, stroking her hair. She felt peace for the first time in years. “I don’t hate you, Cade. I thought I did at the time, but that’s over now. I learned long ago it’s easier not to care than wish for something you’ll never have.”

“I should have been with you.”

She lifted her head to look him in the eye. “What I don’t understand is that Addy knew the doctor had told me I could never have children after that, yet she left her children to you, not me, despite how much I love them.”

Their gazes clung for a long moment before Cade asked, “Was our baby a boy or a girl?”

“Boy.” She looked away. “I was going to name him Cade.”

He smiled. “After his pa.”

Reaching for a damp cloth, she sighed. “What are we going to do about Laticia?”

“I don’t know.” He leaned back, closing his eyes as she applied the cloth to his forehead. “She isn’t going to rest until the kids are with family.”

“Well…” Zoe bit her lip, trying to work up the courage to suggest a plan, a dangerous one, and not without pitfalls. “I have a solution.”

“I’m listening.”

“We could get married.”

“To whom?”

She swatted him. “Each other, Cade.”

Cade shifted his weight, and then pulled the cloth off his face. “Didn’t you hear a word I said about Hart McGill?”

“Hear me out. It’s crazy, but it will work. We marry, the children will be mine. You leave, disappear, and write to them on birthdays and holidays. If you must engage in this ridiculous occupation, you can deal with Hart McGill outside Winterborn. He’ll never know about the kids or me. I’ll demand nothing from you. I will keep my sacred vow to you, but you would be free to…do as you wish.” She couldn’t offer any better terms.

“McGill would know. It would never work.” He got up and slowly paced the floor.

“I’ll do anything to keep the kids. It’s the only way it can happen. We have to make Laticia think the marriage is genuine.”

“No. I’d be putting not only the kids in jeopardy, but you too. If McGill knew I had a wife and—”

“He won’t. You’ll be gone. Hart McGill will be tracking you again. Everything will appear normal.” She felt surreal, uninhibited. There’d been a time when she would have given her life to be Cade’s wife, now she was asking him to quite possibly give his.

He stopped pacing, turning to look at her. “I don’t know, Zoe—”

“Call me Red.”

He studied her, but the beginning of a smile gave him away.

“Please, Cade. It’s the only solution. We’ll get Laticia out of every-one’s hair. She can’t argue that the children aren’t with family. You’re family, and if you marry me, I’ll be family.”

“And what happens when I leave? I don’t want to disappoint them. They’ve been hurt enough, and so have you.”

How would the children feel when he left? Exactly as she would. Sick. Heartbroken. They would be losing yet another loved one. And the children certainly loved him. But did she? She admitted she had stronger feelings for him than she wanted, but love? So many years had passed. So many hurtful years.

She met his gaze for a long while. “As I said, I’ll move. I’ll go where McGill can never find us.” She would miss Winterborn, but she would have the children. She would find solace in them. Why, then, did she feel the weight of the world on her shoulders when she thought of life without him? “I’ll change my name and the children’s. Unless…you would change and give up this horrible life you have chosen.”

“You think I wouldn’t like to?”

“I don’t know what to think.”

“If it were that simple—to walk away and never look back—I would give it all up in a minute to keep Addy’s children and be a pa to them. I’d make my peace with God, and I—”