A House of Cards: Deconstructing Ethan (28 page)

I rolled my eyes at the pep talk she had given him when she dropped him off. After she left, I smirked as I saw him start to get hard looking at all of my equipment. I knew that I had more equipment than Nicole had because of my obsession, my need for it. He looked around wide eyed for a few minutes and then Jayden told him to take off his clothes. I wanted to see what Nicole had brought us to play with. If I knew her, he was a little twink, but he’d have a big cock. She loved to watch them play with their cocks while she fucked them – the bigger the better. When I had been her sub, I had jacked myself off more than a few times with one of her toys in my ass. Just thinking about it made me kind of hard.

The boy took off his clothes while Jayden and I did the same. When we were all naked, standing in the warm afternoon sun of the playroom, I checked Sean out. Yeah, he was a twink – smooth, boyish. I barely held in a groan when I looked at Jayden. Fuck, he was hot. He was looking at Sean, softly, affectionately. It made my insides burn a little. Then he walked up behind him and spoke quietly to him. I couldn’t hear what he said, but the boy’s erection grew and he whispered something in return. I was starting to get annoyed by their display. Then, Jayden smiled at me over the boy’s shoulder, it was such a sexy fucking grin, I couldn’t help but wink back at him.

Jayden started teaching the kid how to give head and I almost lost it. It was so fucking hot watching his soft, almost virginal, lips wrapping around Jayden’s hard cock. The care and patience that Jayden showed the boy surprised me and, again, I felt that pang in my stomach, that jealous feeling. I pushed it down and watched as Jayden’s face started to tense, his voice strain as he continued to instruct the boy. It wasn’t often that I got to stand back and watch Jayden when he was turned on like this. I couldn’t deny that it was making me hard as fucking steel.

Jayden called my name; he wanted me to take over instructing the kid. I told the boy to turn around, open his mouth and then I slid in my cock. Jayden grabbed a paddle and a few other things that he’d need, catching the boy by surprise when the paddle landed on his tight little ass. I groaned as he yelped and moaned around my cock in his mouth. Over and over, Jayden paddled him and the vibrations of his reaction to it around my cock were making me fucking crazy. Closing my eyes, I tried to hold out, but just remembering that look on Jayden’s face from a few moments before, drove me to the edge. When the boy whimpered again, I lost control and filled his hot little mouth with a groan.

Soon Jayden had the boy on his hands and knees and was deep in his tight little virgin hole. It was like my own personal gay porn, just watching them there in my playroom. The boy had resisted at first, but did not use his safe word. Now, I could see why. He was just as into it as Jayden was, thrusting his hips back as Jayden stroked him, groaning each time he was penetrated. Fuck, it was hot. Then, Jayden said something that just shattered my world. It wasn’t that he had instructed the boy to climax, but…he had called him „angel’, he called him my pet name for himself. I was fucking enraged. Unfortunately, it only got worse.

After the boy climaxed on the hardwood floor beneath him, Jayden did something I never expected. He sat back on the floor and took the boy in his arms. Looking down, I noticed the boy was crying and Jayden was petting him, holding him, calling him „angel’.

Oh my God.

I was in love with him even then.

That’s why I was so upset when Jayden was affectionate with him. That’s why I put them on the rocker, to punish Jayden for my insecurities.

Then when he kissed that boy, I lost all control. It didn’t matter that the kid was there, it didn’t matter that we were in the middle of a training session, I wanted Jayden right then. I wanted to show him who he fucking belonged to. He was mine. Pulling him off the machine, I pushed him to the floor, asking him if he thought that boy could satisfy him like I could. Then I pulled his legs up and drove into him. While I took him, I kissed him hard. My only thought was to show him that he wanted me and not that boy. As I kissed him, his body arched and he climaxed hard against my stomach. That sound, that primal sound that he made as his orgasm hit him, forced me to drop my head to his shoulder. I could smell his arousal; feel the sweat on his skin as my own orgasm exploded through me. With that release, all of my anger and jealousy were gone – as if I had just marked him as mine and was satisfied in that. Then, I felt his soft sweet kiss on my neck. I kissed Jayden’s forehead gently, reverently, and then moved my lips to his. Our lips met gingerly, tenderly, as I stroked his cheek.

Fuck, why hadn’t I known then that I loved him? When Nicole came in a few minutes later, it was evident that she knew something was up. She fucking smirked at me as I pulled out of Jayden and stood up. Jayden and I started to clean up as the boy got dressed. Then the stupid child asked if he could come back and play with Jayden again. I rolled my eyes and tossed the lube we’d used back into the bin.

Fuck, I was hard from just thinking about that afternoon with Jayden and the boy. Sighing, I put the placeholder ribbon to mark my page and closed by journal. I sat the book and the pen on my bedside table again and started to roll back, but opened the drawer in the table instead. Pulling out the bottle of lube I kept there, I laid it on the bed beside me. Since I was home alone and already really hard, I wanted to masturbate and get some kind of release, which I hadn’t had in over two months, it just didn’t feel right, but I wanted it then.

I pulled my off boxers and soft blue t-shirt, throwing them to the side of the bed so I could put them back on when I was finished. Naked, hard and lying in the middle of my bed, the image of Jayden underneath me came to mind, but as soon as it appeared, it was gone. Groaning in frustration, I applied some of the lube to my hand and began to stroke. Then an image of Jayden on top of me came to mind. That night. He had my legs pulled up and he was taking me, slowly, gently. I stroked my hard cock with long movements, trying to time them with the memory of his thrusts into me. My hips came up off the bed, seeking his, but finding only my hand. I let my hand drift down lightly over my stomach, spreading my legs wide across the bed. Feeling Gabriel’s fingers inside me in the shower had made me cum so hard onto the shower wall. I wondered if…

My right hand continued to stroke while my left found its way between my legs. I massaged my balls gently, my head falling back against the pillow at the sensation. Planting my feet onto the mattress, I let my knees fall open. Stopping just long enough to apply a little more lube to both of my hands, I rubbed it into my anus and the surrounding skin. A low moan escaped me as I ran my fingers around the sensitive entrance and stroked my cock harder. My hips came off the bed once again, pumping into my hand as, for the very first time, I slid my middle finger inside me. Whimpering and groaning, I pushed it deeper into my body. Inside me, my finger found a tiny area there that caused my whole body to tense when I touched it. I rubbed my finger back and forth over it while stroking the head of my cock.

I couldn’t contain the cries that were forced from me as I rocked back and forth against one hand and fucked the other shamelessly. My head rolled back and forth on the pillow. Then, as I reversed my grip so that my thumb and forefinger were facing the base of my cock, everything started to tighten. Almost without conscious thought, my forefinger slid inside me along side my middle finger.

My orgasm ripped through me with a force that took my breath away, my back arched and flexed as my semen hit my hip, stomach and even my chest. Not stopping, I let myself ride wave after wave of the climax. Even after, when my erection had started to subside and I had pulled my fingers from my body, I stroked myself gingerly.

I wondered idly what Jayden would think if he knew I had just climaxed while fantasizing about bottoming for him.

The sun was starting to set when I woke up. Still naked in the middle of my bed, the lube lying precariously close to my side, I felt like I needed a shower even though I had swiped my t-shirt across my stomach and chest to clean up the mess. I got up, tossed the lube back into the drawer and went into the bathroom. It felt good to be back in my own room, in my own bathroom. Jayden’s house was beautiful, but I felt more settled at my own house.

The hot spray felt good, working through the kinks in my neck and back. By the time I was ready to turn the water off, I felt human again. I was still rather surprised by the fantasy I’d had earlier, didn’t think I’d ever once fantasized about being taken by a man. It felt liberating. Of course, I would still classify myself as a top, but every once in a while, I could see myself bottoming for him, assuming we ever had that kind of relationship again. Sighing softly, I grabbed a towel off of the rack. Jayden and I really needed to talk, if not about what was going on between us, then at least about what was going on with him. Maybe tonight I’d make dinner for the two of us…and hide the wine.

It was nearly nine o’clock by the time Jayden finally came home. I didn’t know if he was avoiding me because of his behavior the night before or if he’d just been held up at school, but I suspected it was the former. Having given up on dinner hours before, I had sat at the kitchen table and waited for him. As he walked by, I called out to him.

“Jayden, can we talk?” I asked with more assurance than I felt.

“Ethan, I’m really tired, can we talk later?” he replied. I started to protest, but he really did look tired; his posture, his eyes, his slow gait, it all made him look downright exhausted. I lowered my head and nodded and heard him trudge up the stairs.

Journal Entry – Alone

Three weeks. Two days.

It’s been three weeks and two days since Jayden has spoken to me. That night of drunken kissing was all but forgotten now. He hasn’t touched another drop of alcohol as far as I knew, but he has avoided me as well, can’t deny that it hurt, the loneliness that I feel. The one person that I want most in the world to talk to now acted like I didn’t exist. I had no other friends. Gabriel hates me and with good reason. My Lexi is gone. I have no one. That emptiness resonates through me. I feel it in every fiber of my being and, to be honest, it is exhausting. It is an effort just to try and stay positive in order to try and help him. I can’t help him if I was depressed too. I am having a hard time keeping up that façade. Every instinct in me tells me that I should just give up, just fold in on myself and go back to being that shell of a man. That is something that I am fighting hard against. I don’t want to be him anymore.

Chapter 17

Aside from fleeting glances as we passed in the house, I hadn’t really seen him until today.

I heard him well before I saw him.

When I unlocked the door coming in from my shift at the clinic, I heard low sobbing in the front room. Quickly, I made my way in there and found Jayden on his knees, tears streaming down his tortured face. There was a torn box lying beside him with packaging foam and he was holding some kind of frame…Lexi’s diploma. Kimberly must have gotten it at Jayden’s house and forwarded it, walked over and picked up the shipping box and, sure enough, Lexi’s name and the Chicago address had been crossed out with Jayden’s name and our Washington address to the side.

“Jayden,” I said softly. He started to shake his head as I knelt down beside him, afraid to even take the frame from him.

“NO! It wasn’t supposed to happen like this!” He screamed and pulled his arm back to throw the frame. Catching himself before he hurled it, he allowed it to land safely on the couch instead. His fingers went to his soft, overgrown curls and he closed his eyes tight.

“It should have been me! I’m the fucking monster here!” He pitched forward onto his elbows, his fingers still in his hair. I had never seen him lose control like that.

“She was a good girl, she didn’t deserve this. She was just starting her life. Why this? Why now? I fucking hate myself so much. I can’t…I don’t…” He kept his head down through it all, screaming at the carpet. Kneeling beside him, I tried to pull him into my arms.

“NO! I don’t deserve your fucking sympathy! Take me upstairs, Ethan. Fucking beat me until I forget. I can’t do this anymore, please Ethan. PLEASE?!?!” He had a hysterical edge to his voice. “I want to forget. Make me forget the blood and the screams. Make me forget her limp broken body. Make me forget how fucking horrible I am. Make me forget how fucking badly I want it to be me, Ethan, please!” His sobs were strained, almost choking.

“Come on,” I told him, taking his hand. „Thank you, Ethan,” he choked out, getting to his feet. “I’m not taking you to the playroom, Jayden. You should know by now that it doesn’t work. I am living proof of that.” He looked up at me wide-eyed; his panic was starting to show through his devastating grief.

“Then where?” he asked, the tears still streaking his face, reached out a hand and gently wiped them away. I pulled him to me, wrapping my arms around him.

I whispered into his ear, “There are better ways to forget.”

I led him up the stairs, his hand shaking slightly in mine as we rounded the second floor landing. I squeezed it tightly. I was scared too, my heart was on the line here, but I couldn’t just watch him hurting like that. If I could make the pain go away, even for a little while, I would do that – no matter what it cost me.

Just outside my bedroom door, I pulled him to me. Seemingly fighting with himself, looking at the floor, his face was sad, conflicted. I reached out and stroked it gently. His eyes, so full of pain, met mine. His doubt was replaced with resolve and, while the pain remained, it was balanced by longing. Keeping my eyes on his, I moved my face forward very slowly, tilting my head. I wanted to give him ample time to back away.