A House of Cards: Deconstructing Ethan (18 page)

I pressed my palm against the grainy surface of his bedroom door and my heart ached.

I knew I was going to have to talk to him and soon – but I needed to talk to Gabriel first. I was scared for the first time in a very long time. What if I lost them both? Jayden was obviously upset, Gabriel wasn’t into my lifestyle. What if they both ended up resenting me? What if they both cut me out of their lives like the malignancy that I was? I found that I just couldn’t work up the nerve to have those conversations yet. Trying to quell the panic that had suddenly taken root in my chest, I walked slowly down the hall to my room.

Journal Entry – Apogee

I have to write tonight, my mind, my emotions are in utter chaos. When I went into that room tonight and saw him waiting on his knees for me, I thought my heart would stop. He was beautiful in his subservience, but then he was beautiful outside of it as well. And then there was that feeling; that feeling in my chest that has been recently happening to me more and more, I want to explore that. I know that it started the night before Jayden left for Chicago.

I had felt stupid making the request of him. I knew that it was going to be my last shot at finding that god damn feeling that Lexi had been talking about. If I was going to figure out what love was, there were only two people on the planet that could show me. I had already tried with one; that was my last chance to try with the other. He understood. He took my hand and we went upstairs. He looked surprised when I bypassed the second floor and headed to my bedroom on the third. Stephen had told me that certain things should be kept separated in this type of relationship. Tonight, I wanted to keep the BDSM aspect of our relationship, separate from what we were about to do. I wanted that moment, that connection with him, to be entirely separate. We would just be Ethan and Jayden, looking for intimacy with each other that we could find in no other place.

I took the lube out of the drawer so that once we started, we would not have to stop. I knew I wanted him to be on top, that, for the first time in my life, I willingly wanted to be taken. That was a huge thing for me. It was not going to be easy. I tried to explain my reasoning to him, but it sounded feeble, even to my own ears. I was an emotional cripple, why did I think sex was going to fix that? I had wanted it, that feeling, so badly. I just didn’t think that I had the ability. He took my face in his hands and kissed me. It wasn’t like any other kiss we had shared. The fact that I had kissed him at all while he was my sub, spoke volumes to my inability to remain in control with him. That kiss was deep and spiritual. His fingers slid into my hair as I wrapped my arms around his waist. I remember feeling a rush of burning need for him as our lips moved against each others with a deep seated longing.

I loved the way I felt as he touched me. His caresses were gentle and sweet. I felt cared for…nurtured…Fuck, I couldn’t find the right word. No words seem adequate to describe the feeling. It was so god damned infuriating. His hands, his mouth, worked my body perfectly over my chest and my stomach. By the time we were both naked, grinding against each other, I was more relaxed about what would happen. In fact, I was even a little eager. I still remember the feeling of his hot mouth around me, trying to help me loosen up, get me aroused so that he could more easily penetrate me.

And when he did penetrate me, I was back in my own personal nightmare. All of sudden, I was that little boy again, powerless and helpless. I was terrified of the monster. I was being held down, I was screaming, begging him to stop. My body felt like it was being split it two, it hurt so badly. I screamed again, this time for my mother, but no sound came out. So I just shook my head over and over. Then, I heard a voice, like an angel’s voice, telling me that I was safe. I realized then that it wasn’t real. I wasn’t a child, lying on my stomach with my face pushed into a pillow to muffle my screams. I was safe in Jayden’s arms. My eyes opened and unshed tears fell down my face. I felt mildly ashamed of them. I was a grown man, crying like a child. He tried to pull back, but I wouldn’t let him. I used my legs to pull him to me and nodded to let him know I was okay.

He continued, slowly, stroking me as he did so. I looked up at him and saw the raw emotion in his face. I threw my head back, the feelings overwhelming me. Suddenly, I felt like I was on fire. I felt warm all over – my chest, my stomach, everywhere. I cried out incoherently as my orgasm approached. I think I even told him that I loved him at one point. The last vestiges of the flashback were leaving me and I could concentrate on the sheer pleasure coursing through me. I climaxed hard into his hand and he followed almost immediately after. It was like an explosion of emotion through me and I felt, literally, drained as a result.

He kissed me gently and then got out of bed. I panicked and grabbed his arm. I wanted him to stay with me, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask him. So instead, I just thanked him.

Then he hit me with that fucking safe word. He couldn’t just let things go, he had to end it. I felt hollow – like he took everything with him -my heart, my mind, my very soul, when he walked out my bedroom door.

Once again, I was alone.

And I was broken.

Chapter 10

The next week was awkward to say the least. Gabriel had been working long hours preparing a presentation. A firm needed a team of attorneys on retainer due to some recent lawsuits they were facing. Gabriel’s law office was one of those up for consideration and they would be a huge client for his firm to land. Throughout the week, we sent text messages back and forth and he called to tell me that he was looking forward to seeing me the following week. The presentation was on Monday and he would have to work through the weekend. We had made plans to get together for our next date on Friday and had planned to throw some steaks on Gabriel’s grill and just relax in his backyard.

On the other hand, Jayden was avoiding me. While he had a beautiful, spacious home, there was no way that we could continually miss each other entirely by coincidence. I had, however, seen a lot of Connor and Lexi. It seemed that they were always together. Not for the first time, I wished that I could talk to Jayden about my suspicions.

Between Gabriel’s project, Lexi’s involvement with Connor and Jayden’s avoidance, I found that I had a lot of alone time on my hands and used it to catch up on my email and write in my journal. I was still trying to decide how I was going to talk to Jayden and Gabriel about the things that needed to be discussed. The problem was I was afraid of losing them both. It was evident that something was bothering Jayden and it had to do with me. Gabriel wasn’t aware of my lifestyle and if he didn’t accept it, he would leave. I found that I just couldn’t yet cope with the possibility of losing either of them.

I stared at my screen for nearly fifteen minutes without actually seeing it. My mind replayed the images of my aborted intimacy with Gabriel. It replayed the images of my recent session with Jayden, recalled, with perfect clarity, the expression on Gabriel’s face when I called him „baby’. It was like a light had been lit inside of him and that touched me. Then I thought about seeing Jayden lying broken on his bed. If he really did have feelings for me, if he wanted more than just my friendship, I wondered why he hadn’t said anything.

Bringing myself out of my reverie, I scanned through my inbox. Most of it was mundane, ads touting new products for companies that I’d ordered from, notifications for website updates, a change of email from a colleague and a message from Nicole. A little nervous that it had to do with my house, I opened hers first. When I scanned through the contents, I sighed. Ryan wanted to apply again to be my sub. While I appreciated his enthusiasm, it wasn’t a relationship I wanted to enter into. My life was complicated enough as it was and he just didn’t do it for me. I had to feel at least some kind of physical attraction to my subs or I would not find the sexual gratification that I sought. Unfortunately, since I had approached Nicole about collaring Jayden a couple of years ago, Ryan had asked regularly to give him a chance. He assumed since I had no sub it was the perfect time, but he was shockingly wrong about that.

After going through my email and not yet organized enough to write in my journal, I became bored. It had been days since my session with Jayden and my mind was still a little chaotic. I thought back to Jayden naked and writhing, too excited to contain himself, and I started to become aroused. I got up out of the desk chair and moved over to my bed. Stripping off the t-shirt, shorts and boxers I wore, I climbed naked to the center. I thought about Jayden as I began to rub my nipples, but I found that I ached when I thought about him, so I thought of Gabriel instead, his hands and mouth on me. Rolling over to pull the lube from my bedside table, I caught a glimpse of my cell phone sitting there and got a wicked idea.

Opening it, I scrolled through my contacts until I found Gabriel’s name. I chose to send a text message and then typed:

Busy?

His response was almost immediate, as if he had been waiting for me to text.

No, I’m free for about an hour. What’s up?

Perfect. I opened the bottle and poured a very small measure of lube into my left palm and began to stroke my cock until it pulsed in my hand. I didn’t usually masturbate left-handed, but I would need my right hand free. Pressing the camera key on my phone, I took a picture of my hand on my erection and sent it to Gabriel. Laughing softly to myself, I settled back onto the pillows and spread my legs wider.

I stroked my cock, down the shaft, slowly to the base and then let my hand continue to travel down between my legs. I was massaging my balls lightly when my phone chirped with an incoming text. It was a picture of Gabriel, he had unzipped his perfectly pressed black dress pants and pulled his briefs down just enough to free his erection, grasping himself tightly in the image. In reply, I took my phone and held it down between my legs to take a picture of my hand as it continued to massage between my legs before hitting send. Less than sixty seconds later, my phone rang. I was laughing when I answered.

“You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?” Gabriel asked breathlessly. “I went from stressed about my next meeting to unequivocally horny in seconds. It’s enough to make my head spin. It was all I could to do get my office door locked.”

“Unequivocally, eh?” I asked, amused.

“Undeniably,” he moaned and the sound made my stomach clench. I moved my hand back up and stroked myself harder. “I wish you were here. I want to ride you on my office chair or feel you bend me over my desk. I’d love to be naked and pressed against my floor to ceiling window overlooking the skyline. God, I just want to feel you.” It was my turn to moan.

“I like the idea of you up against the window, your cock pressed against the cold glass as I fuck you from behind. That would be so fucking hot,” I said in nearly a whisper as the scene played out in my mind. His legs spread, his palms on the glass, his head pushed back against my shoulder as he groaned.

“I can almost feel your fingers gripping my hips as you drive into me,” he groaned and I heard him change positions. The creak of the leather was audible through the phone and I imagined him settling back into the chair.

“No,” I said with the vision still clear in my mind. “My arms would be around you.” I could almost hear the shifting of the image in his mind in the open-mouthed groan that came through the phone to me. My name was discernable in that sound and I found that I liked that. I like that
a lot
. When I heard him moving around on the other end of the phone I had to ask, “What are you doing?”

“I just stripped from the waist down,” he sighed, a little out of breath.

“Describe it for me?”

He sighed softly and then began, “I am in my leather office chair in just a shirt and tie. It’s a white shirt with a blue and black tie.” I could almost hear his smirk as he described what he was wearing. It was like a phone sex operator, I had to chuckle. “I have on a blue tooth wireless ear piece so that my hands are…free. I’m stroking myself with my right hand, my thumb and forefinger grazing occasionally across the head of my cock. My left leg is over the arm of the chair, and …” he stopped, as if he were embarrassed to continue.

“And what? Don’t feel self-conscious, what you’re telling me is fucking turning me on. Please…don’t stop,” I begged and heard him blow out a breath in one long sigh.

“My left hand is…beneath me and I have my fingers inside of me, imagining that it’s you. I’m…fucking myself slowly as I stroke,” he finished shyly.

My mind went absolutely wild with that image. Gabriel was sitting back in his chair so that his ass was only partially on the front of the chair, his leg over the arm, spread open just for me, with his head pressed back into the leather as he worked to get himself off with his fingers and hand. I gripped my cock tighter, concentrating on the end, stroking hard and fast.

“Close…” I moaned into the phone. “So fucking close…”

“I wish I were there, you could cum deep into my throat,” he described and that image flashed into my mind -Gabriel, on his knees in front of me in the posture restraint, bound, helpless with my fingers tight in his hair as I fucked his mouth. He whimpered in my ear through the phone and that’s all it took, my orgasm ripped through me and I climaxed, cursing and crying out as my semen pooled on my stomach.