A Heart for Robbie (24 page)

“No, Miguel, he’s not hurt.”

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“Then why isn’t he here?” another boy asked from Miguel’s left, a

smaller boy with pale skin and a dark crew cut. Simon wondered if the

boy meant to look menacing.

“Is it because he’s gay?” Miguel asked, astutely aware of Simon’s

eyes on him.

No one in the gym moved. Simon wasn’t even sure they were

breathing.

“What makes you think Mr. Finley is gay?” Simon asked, and to his

surprise, Miguel laughed. Even in the circumstances, the mirth lightened the stress in his face.

“Dude, no straight guy wears a sweater vest. Especially here. It ain’t

a secret, and nobody cares. He’s a good coach. He cares. That’s all that we want, man. Who he makes butt babies with don’ matter to me none.”

“Miguel!” Simon cried, not sure if he should laugh or not.

“What?” the boy asked with a wicked little smirk.

“I care too.”

Miguel’s smirk fell away in an instant.

“I know. You’re a good guy too, Mr. P….”

The boy handed Simon the basketball, and he looked down at it for a

long moment. They accepted Bryan’s homosexuality without a second

thought. He wondered how many would accept his. He turned the ball

over and over in his hands as he cleared his head. Now was not the time

for such thoughts.

“Okay, so, someone want to teach me how to play this game?”

MIGUEL’S WORDS still hung heavy in his ears, even after practice had

ended.
“It ain’t a secret and nobody cares. He’s a good coach. He cares.

You’re a good guy too, Mr. P….”
Simon couldn’t escape the image of those earnest brown eyes, as they looked up at him without guile or anger.

He wondered how many other people in his life would be able to look at

him the same way once his secret came out. And it would come out if he

kept dating Julian. His mother would want an explanation once he refused to go out on those dates she kept setting up for him. Maybe by then, he’d be strong enough to give her one.

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Agitation ate at the pit of his stomach as Simon crossed the threshold

into his apartment. It still felt cold and empty after the warmth of Julian’s place, as if a light that had once shone there had gone out. He threw his gym bag in the corner and stepped into the kitchen for a beer. The six-pack he’d bought the week before still had three in it, so he pulled one out and opened it with the opener stuck to the side of the refrigerator.

As he sat on the uncomfortable couch his mother had talked him

into, one beer turned into two, and that turned into the third. The secret burned his insides like acid, and he wanted to tell someone. He wanted to talk about how he’d met someone he cared about. Why should it matter

that person was a guy? Why couldn’t anyone just be happy for him?

Simon flipped through the contacts on his phone, family and friends, as he tried to find someone who wouldn’t hate him for being gay.

His thumb stopped on his sister, Rachel.

He sat for a moment, staring at the name. There was no picture

because he hadn’t seen his sister in person for more than five years, since she got sick of their mother’s interference and moved her kids to San

Diego. The time at the top of the phone screen read 10:03 p.m., which

meant it was only eight o’clock there. Before he could talk himself out of it or change the contact on the screen to call Julian instead, he pressed Call. Time and reality swirled in the haze of alcohol around him while he waited. She answered on the third ring.

“Simon? What’s wrong, what’s happened?” Rachel’s voice sounded

resigned, with a bit of fear laced in between the words.

“N…. Nothing is wrong. I can’t call my sister?”

“Simon,” Rachel sighed. “We talk once a year, at Christmas. We’re

not even friends on Facebook. Now, I have to help a nine-year-old build a model of the solar system out of wire and Styrofoam balls. Why don’t you tell me why you called?”

“I….”

The words froze in his throat. He sat on that ugly couch, surrounded

by the crap his mother had picked out, and looked at the picture on the

side table: Simon, his parents, both brothers, and his sister at his high school graduation. Even then, they had been growing apart, each of them

looking in a different direction, looking as if they wanted to escape.

Except his mother, whose attention remained focused on the camera,

determined to get the picture for which she’d forced them together.

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“Simon, I’m sure Mom would love to hear whatever your drama of

the week is, but I—”

“Trust me, she wouldn’t.”

“Oh, please, you were always her favorite, her baby, her shot at

getting it right after she failed so completely with Kevin, Tom, and me.”

“She didn’t fail,” Simon mumbled. The room had started to spin.

“Kevin is a drug addict. Tom at least married the girl he knocked up,

but now he’s an alcoholic in the middle of his third midlife crisis. Oh, and I’m the whore raising two kids without their abusive father.”

“Not this,” he whispered. “She won’t want to hear this.”

“If it’s that bad, Simon, why me? You don’t even like me. You never

raised a finger to help me when she spent a year telling me what a horrible mother I was. You didn’t say a fucking word then, Simon.”

“I thought if I did that, she’d start looking at me more closely,” he

admitted. “She’d start to question why I’m still single well into my thirties and why I don’t date women.”

Silence, interrupted only by the static in the line and the occasional

ambient noise from Rachel’s side of the line, was absolute on his side. He didn’t move. He didn’t even breathe as he realized what he’d just admitted to. Simon watched the headlights pass outside his apartment window, one

after another, as neither of them spoke. In the back of his mind, he

wondered if Julian had put Robbie to bed.

“You win the ‘I fucked up my kid’ award this time,” Rachel said

after what seemed like hours.

“So, you’re going to hate me?”

“Of course not, but she won’t take this well, Simon. You know that.

I know you do because you can’t even say it. Have you ever actually said the words out loud?”

“No.”

“Say them, Si. Say them to me now.”

Rachel hadn’t called him Si in years, not since they’d been in junior

high, before Kevin got that girl pregnant and their mother started drinking the Kool-Aid.

“I’m gay.”

“Was it as bad as you thought it would be?”

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“Yeah.”

“You are my brother, Simon. I don’t care if you’re gay. I want my

kids to know their uncle. They’ll never really know the other two or their grandparents. Not the way things are now. Promise me you’ll come visit

and you’ll bring him with you?”

“Him?”

“Whoever has given you the courage to call me tonight.”

“Corona gave me the courage to call you.”

She laughed, lighter and longer than he had ever heard.

“There’s someone. Sisters always know.”

“Yeah, there is. We’re just starting out, but I like him.”

“What’s his name?” Rachel asked.

“Julian.”

“That’s pretty. Wait…. Hold on. Yes, Ava, we need to do it now so

you can get to bed. Go grab the paints. I’ll be off in just a minute. Simon, I need to go for right now, but maybe we can talk this weekend?”

“I’d like that.”

“Okay, little brother. Call me this weekend and we’ll talk about…

about your boyfriend.”

His laughter turned to tears as soon as he hit the End button. God,

he’d just told his sister he was gay. What would happen if she got mad at him and told his parents or his brothers? He wouldn’t have a family. If

they found out at the center, he wouldn’t be able to work with the kids

anymore. He didn’t think he could lose his job for being gay, but he’d

mentioned Julian’s name. They could absolutely fire him for sleeping with a patient’s father.

The phone, still clutched in his hand, rang. He looked down at it and

saw Julian’s number. He didn’t even hesitate.

“’Lo, Julian.”

“Hey, how was practice?”

“I suck.”

“And well, but I was kind of talking about basketball.”

The laughter started again and then the tears. He tried to keep the

sound from going toward the phone, but everything seemed too hard right

then.

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“Do you want to come over and talk about it? I just put Robbie

down.”

“Been drinking, don’t want to drive.”

“Okay, then let’s do this. Where are you in your place?”

“On the ugly couch.”

“I’m sure there’s a story behind that. Why don’t you go into your

bedroom, take off your shirt and your pants, and crawl into bed. I’ll do the same here, okay?”

“Should I call you back?”

“No,” Julian said, his voice muffled, and Simon imagined him taking

off his shirt to reveal his beautiful porcelain chest and arms. He sighed.

“What?” Julian asked.

“Nothing, I’m just imagining you taking off your clothes.”

“I’d like to watch you too. But for right now, just set the phone

down, take them off, and crawl into bed, okay?”

“’Kay,” Simon said and made his way into the bedroom. He dropped

the phone onto the comforter on his queen-sized bed and teetered a little when he pulled off his shirt. The room spun again, but he got his pants off, leaving his clothes strewn on the floor in a way that would have killed his mother. But she wasn’t there. He was, and Julian was. He picked up the

phone and jerked back the covers.

“Are you in bed?” Julian asked.

Simon crawled in and pulled the covers up to his chin, hiding from

the truths that tried to force their way into his mind. He’d been gay his entire life, but Julian made it real.

“Yes.”

“Okay, then tell me what happened, Simon.”

“I called my sister and told her I was gay.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I don’t know. The kids at the center said that being gay was okay,

and you are out and proud. I didn’t want being with me to put you back in the….”

“Stop,” Julian insisted. “Stop right there. You don’t ever have to

worry about what I think of whether you’re in the closet or out of it. I like you, Simon. Very much. I’m okay with whatever pace you want to take

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this at. Don’t ever think that I want you to come out if you’re not ready.

There are consequences to coming out.”

“I know.”

“How did she take it?”

“I think I just got my sister back. We hadn’t really been close since

she moved to San Diego.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. She thought I took my mom’s side when she got divorced.”

“When who got divorced?”

“Rachel.”

“I’m confused,” Julian admitted.

“My sister Rachel got divorced about six or seven years ago, and my

mom didn’t take it well. She thinks people should be mated for life. I

guess the fact that the guy hit my sister didn’t really factor into her

thinking. Anyway, Rachel thought I took my mom’s side. But I didn’t. I

was just scared if I said anything, she’d start in on why I’m not married, and I was terrified she would guess that I’m gay. Then I’d lose my family, and I couldn’t do that when I was all by myself.”

“Why did you choose to tell her now?”

“I was a little drunk,” Simon admitted. “Well, and now I’m not all

by myself.”

The line went quiet for a minute, to the point where Simon almost

asked if Julian had hung up.

“No, you’re not all by yourself anymore. I’m here.”

“So even if I lost my family, I’d still have you. Right?”

“Yes, you would.”

“I miss you, Julian. Is that weird? I just saw you this morning, and I

miss you.”

“It’s not weird at all because my bed feels really lonely without you

in it right now.”

“Could I, maybe….”

“Could you what, Simon?”

“I don’t know, come over after the game tomorrow night and see

you? Maybe bring clothes this time and not have to sneak out before

dawn?”

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“I’d like that.”

“Julian?”

“Yeah?”

“Amber isn’t going to make it out of the tunnel, is she?”

“What?” Julian asked, laughing.

“Amber, she followed that demon down into the tunnel looking for

Eve. She’s not coming back, is she?”

“Uhm, no, Simon. The demon kills her.”

“Damn.”

“Go to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow night after your game,” Julian

said softly.

“Julian?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For showing me what I was missing.”