A Heart for Robbie (22 page)

looking at them too long.

“Oh, I left his pacifier upstairs,” Julian said, glancing around at the

various tables for effect. In fact, Robbie never slept with a pacifier, but he wanted to give Simon the chance to hold Robbie without making him feel

too awkward.

“Where is it? I’ll go get it,” Simon offered quickly, and then his face

flushed. “What does it look like?”

Julian chuckled, and stood up with Robbie in his arms.

“Okay, sit back and hold out your arms.”

“Wait, what?” The panic in Simon’s voice didn’t deter him.

“Hold him, just for a minute, and I’ll run upstairs.”

“I….”

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“Make a cradle with your arms,” he instructed. “Yes, like that.”

Julian placed Robbie in Simon’s arms. “Just make sure to support his

head. I’ll be right back.” He turned and sprinted a few feet to the stairs and then bounded up them two at a time. Robbie didn’t cry. He doubted the

baby would even wake with the changing of the guard. Taking far more

time than he needed to, Julian grabbed a light blanket off the changing

table and scrambled through the drawers until he found a pacifier. Simon would recognize it as a ruse if he came back without one.

He came down the stairs quietly and heard Simon’s voice before he

came back into the room, so Julian stopped to listen.

“Your dad will be right back, little guy. I think I like him a lot. You

won’t tell him, will you?” A soft laugh. “You’re such a brave boy. I know your dad is really proud of you.”

Julian leaned against the wall near the doorway and watched Simon

stroking his son’s cheek with one finger. Test. Passed. He slipped back

into the room and sat in the rocker. The firelight flickered, illuminating Simon’s face. Robbie had his complete attention. Simon didn’t even look

up as he sat down.

“Looks like you found a friend,” Julian whispered so he didn’t startle

Simon.

“He’s beautiful,” Simon replied, and when his gaze came up to meet

Julian’s, he looked radiant, happy.

“Yeah, he is.”

They sat in silence for several long minutes while Simon crooned to

Robbie, looking up just once to see if Julian laughed. He didn’t. In fact, it only endeared Simon to him more.

“Why don’t we take him up and put him to bed in his room. We can

move the apnea monitor back into the nursery and lay him down there.”

“He doesn’t sleep in the nursery?”

“Not usually. Once I figured out that every time he sneezed the

apnea monitor would go off, I moved him into my room. But tonight, I

want you in my room without Robbie, at least for a little while.” Julian winked at him, and Simon flushed, a beautiful telltale blush. God, he

wanted to see just how far down his skin turned pink.

Julian lifted Robbie from Simon’s arms, gratified when Simon

followed him toward the stairs without hesitation. They climbed each step A Heart for Robbie

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carefully with Robbie, and he turned right immediately at the top. The

nursery still held all of Robbie’s things, even if that’s not where his son slept. He laid Robbie in the crib he hadn’t used in weeks and stopped in his room for just a minute to get the monitor and his mother’s handmade

quilt before he returned. Simon stood at the foot of the crib near the

integrated drawers, watching as Julian set up the monitor on the dressing table and plugged it into the wall.

Robbie must have been tired, because he didn’t stir when Julian

unsnapped his sleeper and attached the sensors to his skin. With a

practiced hand, Julian closed the snaps around the leads and pulled the

quilt over Robbie. They didn’t move for a long moment as they stood

watching the baby sleep. Julian reached over and placed a hand on top of Simon’s, his eyes never leaving Robbie. Simon squeezed his hand, and his heart leaped.

He knew from horrifying experience that the apnea monitor would

wake him, even without the baby monitor, so he left the crackling baby

radio off but turned on the small teddy-bear-shaped lamp on the dresser.

They turned off the overhead light as Julian led Simon to his bedroom

next door. Julian pulled the door almost closed. That was the biggest

concession he’d make to Robbie not hearing them.

“Hi,” he whispered to Simon, his bravado gone.

“Hi,” Simon answered, a small smile playing at his lips.

“I promised myself I would take things slow with you,” Julian said,

pulling Simon a step closer to his bed.

“I’ve been taking my whole life slowly.” Simon took another step

forward, so their bodies were touching.

“Yeah, but I’m the first guy you’ve ever dated,” Julian countered,

trying to swallow around the dryness in his throat.

“Maybe I was saving that first date for someone who really

mattered,” Simon whispered, sliding a hand behind Julian’s head, covering Julian’s lips with his own in a slow, inviting kiss.

It took a moment for Simon’s sentiment to register. Someone who

mattered. Was he? He’d heard lies before, believed lies before. But what did Simon stand to gain by a relationship with him? He wasn’t some

destitute twink as Kenny had been but the successful head of department

at a major hospital. Instead, he had everything to lose by his involvement—

his job, his closet, and his stability.

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God, he wanted this.

Pushing any doubt to the back of his mind as he’d done on more

occasions than he could count, Julian threw himself into the kiss—all

hands, tongue, desperation, and need. Simon moaned into his mouth, the

sound traveling through him and settling in the pit of his stomach. His

jeans grew tighter, and not just from the amazing dinner they’d shared.

He pulled on the first button of Simon’s shirt, popping it open to

reveal the top of a pristine undershirt. Someone had double wrapped his

gift. The next few buttons popped open in rapid succession, and fingers

ghosted under his sweater. Simon’s shirt slid to the floor, and he sighed in Julian’s ear as he found Julian’s skin. No other sounds, not the street

traffic, not even the ticking of time passing made his awareness, only the soft sounds issuing from Simon’s throat as Julian touched him. Only his

whispered name broke the surface of the emotions that would surely

drown him—fear, hope, longing.

“Please,” he whispered back against Simon’s skin. “Please be real.”

Simon stepped back, pulling his T-shirt off in one swift motion.

Then he pulled Julian’s sweater over his head. Stepping into Julian’s arms once again, they were chest to chest, skin to skin. He took Julian’s hand and placed it over his rapid, fluttering heart.

“Do I feel real?” he asked quietly.

Something in Julian broke then, a dam of control he’d barely

contained, and he drove both hands into Simon’s short hair, pulling him

forward and devouring his mouth. Simon’s fingers fumbled a moment at

Julian’s belt before he pulled it open and undid the fly beneath. The

gentle, hesitant touch on his dick through the fabric of his boxers made Julian shudder, and Simon returned his kiss with enthusiasm bordering on violence. His fingers left Julian’s cock, and he pulled back just a bit to unbutton his own jeans. They parted, reluctantly, to remove the last

vestiges of clothing before Julian crawled onto the bed and opened his

arms, grateful when Simon accepted the invitation.

They lay kissing, side by side, legs entwined, the urgency building,

but in the soft sober light of clarity, neither seemed willing to make the first move. Even though they’d done this dance before, it felt as if they were crossing a line, something from which they’d never be able to come back.

“I want this,” Simon whispered into his mouth. “I want you.

Everything else, we’ll deal with when it happens.”

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“I want you too,” Julian said, rolling so that he lay atop Simon with

strong, lean legs cradling his hips. “Not just in my bed, I want you

everywhere,” he murmured against Simon’s throat with a wicked smile.

“Like over that island in the kitchen?” Simon asked, his fingers

toying with Julian’s hair as Julian’s mouth continued to explore his skin.

“Or on the floor in front of the fire.”

“Oh, I like that.” Simon moaned as his body arched just enough for

their dicks to touch.

“What else do you like?”

“I like you.”

Julian leaned over the side of the bed and grabbed at the box of

condoms he’d thrown in the drawer earlier that day at Erin’s insistence.

The lube had been a constant there since college, since he was old enough to buy it without blushing with every dollar spent. Simon laughed when he jerked to the side again, missing the box completely.

“Should I let you go long enough to grab the condom?” Simon

asked, flexing the muscles in his legs to hold Julian tighter.

“Yes, yes you should, because I want to bury myself in you,” Julian

murmured against his ear, and Simon moaned even as his legs dropped to

the comforter still spread neatly across the surface of the bed. Julian kissed him, a quick little peck, before crawling two feet to the right. He grabbed the box and set it on the bed along with the eight-ounce bottle of lube.

“A box of condoms and a giant bottle of lube? You’re ambitious.”

Julian laughed, and for a split second, Simon’s voice sounded like

Liam, but then Simon continued. “I like a man with ambition. Let’s skip

the preliminaries. I know you said you wanted to take it slow, but we can do that the second time… or the third, maybe.”

“Now who’s ambitious?”

Julian ripped open the condom one-handed as the other held him

above Simon. He blushed as he rolled it on with a clumsy motion, pushing Simon’s hand away when he tried to help.

“I’m a little nervous,” he admitted, and Simon wrapped an arm

loosely around Julian’s waist, comforting and sure.

Simon took care of the lube, pooling a bit in one palm before

rubbing it onto Julian’s sheathed dick. Then he used the rest on himself, and Julian closed his eyes, imagining the fingers darting in and out of

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Simon’s body. A small, almost silent moan escaped Simon, and Julian

lined himself up, nudging the small opening with the tip of his cock.

Simon pulled his legs a little higher and wrapped them around

Julian’s back even as Julian penetrated him. The gasp from Simon seemed

loud in the otherwise silent room, and Julian looked down into his face.

“Okay?”

Instead of nodding, Simon pulled him in for a kiss, at the same time

tightening his legs to draw Julian deeper into his body.

“Oh, I like that a lot,” he whispered against Julian’s ear, followed by

a shy little giggle that landed in Julian’s heart. “Just like that….” Julian punched his hips forward, swallowing Simon’s groan in a kiss.

Simon’s back arched, straining his muscles, and Julian went

deeper, bottoming out in a shower of excited sparks. Julian had loved

their last time together, but it seemed fuzzy and grainy compared to the sharp, focused need drawing them together again and again. Harsh gasps,

whimpers, and cries tore around the edges of moans. Simon threw his

head back, abandoning himself to the pleasure as Julian pulled one of his legs higher, driving into him and pushing them both toward the edge of

the world.

Then over it.

Julian’s abs tightened, his body tense as he tried to stop the onslaught of emotion and that all-encompassing sensation of an impending explosion that tingled just behind his balls. His eyes slammed shut, and he gritted his teeth against the need.

“Harder, please, Julian,” Simon whispered to the darkness, his hand

like a piston on his cock. The muscles in Simon’s arms, chest, even the

tendons in his neck pulled taut as his body locked and come shot between them. Julian abandoned the effort of holding back, driving into Simon

until the echoed sounds of slapping skin filled every inch of space around them.

He opened his eyes. Simon’s face lost its tension, and Julian found

the softest look in his eyes, something he didn’t think he’d ever seen from another man.

Then the something inside him snapped, and he came with a cry

against Simon’s shoulder, his lips pressed against the man’s sweet skin.

He smelled like sex and sweat and sunshine. Had Julian not just come, it A Heart for Robbie

129

would have made him hard. Julian kissed Simon slowly, thoroughly, all of the urgency between them gone in a single moment of explosive climax.

“That was…,” Simon started and then took a deep breath. He let it

out with unhurried ease, like nothing else mattered, nothing else existed.

Julian smiled. “God, that was….” His voice dropped to a whisper against

Julian’s ear. “I have never felt like this before. Ever.”

“How do you feel?”

“I feel better than good. It’s more than just sex. I feel like… like I

matter.”

“You do matter, Simon.”

Julian rolled to the side, pulling Simon with him until Simon lay

sprawled across his chest. It took him a minute to find the words. Sad,

given that words were his chosen vocation. He liked the way Simon felt,

lying in his arms. If they could do this every night, that would be okay with Julian. At the very least, he wanted to know everything there was to know about Simon.

“My mom doesn’t seem to think so. She thinks my sole purpose in

life is breeding. My job at the hospital is good, but with my current level of education, it’s the best I’ll ever do. I like the work I do with the kids at the center, but they just removed one of the volunteers because they found out he was gay. It’s like my value only lies in my ability to act straight.”