A Hand to Hold (7 page)

Turning to her left, she saw the barn. Her father had always run the farm by himself. She and Naomi, along with their mother, had helped out with some of the chores—feeding the cows, weeding the garden and the fields, and helping with the harvest. But her father had gladly shouldered the bulk of the work. She knew he had slowed down in the couple of years before she’d moved to Paradise. But had he slowed down that much? Maybe she hadn’t really noticed how much he’d aged until now. How could she, when she’d been so focused on herself and Will?

As she neared the barn, she spied the chicken coop, and a few yards behind it, the goat pen. The goats had been asleep, but a few of them rose when they heard her, pressing their noses against the chicken-wire fence. She ignored them, knowing they would settle back down once she disappeared. A few flies hovered inside the doorway of the barn. She brushed them away as she walked inside, raising her lantern higher.

Her father had always kept a modest herd, no more than thirty at a time. A few cows huddled around a bent metal feeding ring, munching on the remnants of a round bale of hay. The barn was partially open air, with two large windows cut into the north and west walls for ventilation. Still, from the overwhelming smell, she could tell the barn hadn’t been cleaned for several days. She searched the rest of the barn, but her father wasn’t there.

Her concern growing, she left the barn and glanced at the field. “
Daed
?” she yelled, walking behind the barn toward the small pond a few yards away. Like the pasture itself, the grass and cattails surrounding the murky water were overgrown.

None of this made sense. Her father always took better care of their property than this. “Take care of the land and it will take care of you,” he’d always said. She would have never thought he’d ignore those words.

She walked past the pond and several yards into a pasture that ended at a line of thin woods. The clouds that had cloaked the black sky drifted apart, and the silvery light from the moon shone down. It illuminated a large pile of brush, rotted logs, and twigs at the far end of the pasture, beside the split-rail fence that marked their property. Near the brush pile, she caught a flash of movement. She hurried toward it.

The pile had always been there, with her father adding to it over the years. He always planned to burn it, but never did. As she walked closer, she could see it had grown taller than she was. The scent of rotting wood and sweet grass filled her nostrils. She circled to the back of the pile and let out a relieved breath. Her father stood beside the fence, his hands in his pockets, staring straight ahead. She rushed to him.
“Daed!”

When he slowly turned to look at her, she frowned. Glassy brown eyes stared back from his sun-weathered face. He seemed to gaze right through her. Crumbs of food blended in with his long, matted beard. He’d always worn it longer than most Amish men, but he had been particular about its appearance, combing it out and shaping it into a dull point so it didn’t completely take over his face. Sweat stains darkened his light blue shirt. Wrinkles creased his trousers. He looked as if he’d slept in his clothes for days.

“Daed?”
She repeated his name, softer this time. “Are you all right?”

He stared at her, then blinked. “Deborah?”

“
Ya
,
Daed
. I’m here.”

He looked at her for a moment before facing the brush pile. “Your
Mami’s
gone.” His voice was flat.

“I know. Naomi told me.” She wanted to ask why he didn’t call her, but his behavior unnerved her enough to keep that question to herself.

Hatless, he rubbed his damp forehead, a strip of white compared to the rest of his tanned face. “She said you couldn’t come.”

Deborah froze. “She did?”

He nodded, still not looking at her.

Why had her sister told him she couldn’t come? Naomi hadn’t even asked Deborah if she could come, and Naomi’s letter barely made it in time . . . But her father wasn’t in the frame of mind to give her answers.

“How did you get here?” he asked.

“
Aenti
Sadie drove. I got Naomi’s letter today, and we left right afterward. She brought both me and Will.”

Deborah waited for him to ask about his grandson. When he didn’t, she shoved down her disappointment. “They’re both in the house, waiting for you.” She paused again. Her father stood so still, she wasn’t sure he was listening. “
Daed
, did you hear me?”

“Ya.”

But she wondered if he truly did. A couple of the cows lowed in the distance. “When was the last time you let the cows out?”

He looked at her. “What?”

“The cows. I was in the barn a minute ago. They need to go out,
Daed
.”

His eyes narrowed. “You’re telling me how to take care of my cows?”

“
Nee
. I’m just surprised that you’ve kept them in the barn for so long. Usually they roam the pasture—”

“You have a lot of nerve. You don’t have a right to question anything here.”

His glare was the first hint of emotion he’d shown, and it scared her. “
Daed
, I didn’t mean—”

“
Geh
. Now! Leave me be!
Geh
back to Pennsylvania. We don’t need you or your
kinn
here.”

Her eyes burned with tears. She turned and ran back to the house so fast she nearly fell down a couple of times. When she dashed into the kitchen, she scooped up Will, who had been sitting at the table eating peanut butter and crackers. Her father had never yelled at her like that before. He’d always been a staid, but kind, man. Brushing a trembling kiss against her son’s cheek, she fought for control.

“Deborah?” Aunt Sadie put down the remnants of a sandwich and got up from the chair at the end of the table. “Child, what’s wrong? Did you find your father?”

“Ya.”
Her voice quaked and she swallowed, trying to catch her breath.

“Where is he?”

“Out in the field.” She set Will back down in his chair. He picked up a saltine peanut butter sandwich and bit into it, smearing the creamy peanut butter on his chin. Deborah snatched a paper towel from the roll near the sink and dampened it with water, then wiped his chin.

“Mmmmf!”
he protested, turning his head away from her.

Sadie stood next to her. “You might as well wait until he’s done, or you’ll be wiping after every bite.”

Will looked up at her, shoving another cracker in his mouth, his stubby fingers covered in peanut butter.

Sadie touched Deborah’s arm. “For heaven’s sake, you’re shaking, and your face is stark white. Sit down and tell me what happened.” She guided Deborah to a chair.

Deborah sat. While she had expected her sister to reject her, her father’s vehemence caught her completely off guard. Even when she had told him she was pregnant, he hadn’t reacted so harshly. The man she saw in the pasture was a stranger to her.

“What did your father say to you?” Sadie sat down next to her.

“He doesn’t want us here. No one does. You saw how Naomi reacted.”

“Forget about her for a minute. Your father would never reject you, Deborah.”

“You didn’t hear what he said. There’s something wrong with him,
Aenti
.” She tried to describe what he looked like and what he’d said in the field.

Sadie tapped her chin, her bloodred fingernails matching her lipstick. “Moses and I haven’t always gotten along, and we haven’t talked much over the years. But he’s a good man. This isn’t like him.” Her penciled-in brows furrowed and she stood up. “Where did you say he was?”

“Far end of the pasture. Behind the barn. Why?”

“Let me talk to him. My
bruder
and I are long overdue for a conversation.” She hurried out of the kitchen, a blur of purple, black, and yellow.

Will picked up his light blue sippy cup and took a drink. He pulled the spout out of his mouth and held it up to Deborah. “Ma?”

“You want more?” Deborah took the cup from him. She lifted the half gallon from the table and poured more milk into his cup. She handed it to him, and he took a long drink, his slurping cutting through the silence in the kitchen.

Her father’s and sister’s reactions made her think about what Thomas said right before she left. At least he wanted her, or what she could give to him, enough to marry her. But her own family didn’t seem to want her here. Tears filled her eyes, but she refused to let them fall in front of Will. After the funeral they would return to Paradise. And while a part of her had always remained in Middlefield, it was now clear to her that this was no longer her home.

Will finished his snack and Deborah cleaned the kitchen, leaving everything spotless. Knowing her sister’s fastidious tendencies, she didn’t dare give Naomi cause to complain. She went into the living room with Will to wait for her aunt to return. He walked around the room, inspecting everything, then started playing with his car again. Within a few seconds, he started yawning. Deborah took him in her arms and snuggled him close. As he laid his head against her shoulder, she leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes, wondering about her aunt and father, saying a silent prayer that Sadie would be able to reach him.

Footsteps sounded in the hall and Sadie appeared. Her father followed, his head dipped. Sadie sat down on the couch and motioned for Moses to join her. Her father sat and looked at Deborah, his eyes red as if he’d been crying.

A chill swept over Deborah. Never had she seen her father cry or show a moment of weakness. He hadn’t been very demonstrative, especially during her teenage years. To see him so vulnerable unnerved her.

“Moses has something to say to you.” Sadie’s usual boisterous tone was subdued. She looked at Moses, who glanced at her for a split second before focusing on Deborah.

“I’m sorry,
dochder
. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I don’t even know why those words came out of my mouth.” He glanced at Sadie. “
Mei schwester’s
right, I can’t push away my
familye
.”

Sadie put her hand on her brother’s shoulder, nodding.

He leaned forward. “I want you to stay.”

She wanted to believe him, but his stinging words still echoed in her mind. “What about Will?” She gripped him. He shifted in her embrace but didn’t wake up.

Her father looked at Will, and his eyes turned glassy. “Of course. My
grosssohn
is always welcome. I’m sorry I made you think otherwise.” He kept his eyes on Will. “Martha . . .” his voice broke as he said his late wife’s name. He swallowed. “Your
mami
would have been so happy to see him. She missed him. We both did.” He looked at Deborah again. “We missed you too.”

“Oh,
Daed
.” This time she couldn’t stop the tears from slipping down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you.”

“It’s all right. We both understood why you left. And we always knew you’d come back here, when you were ready.” His head drooped. “I just wish . . .”

“I know.” She sniffed, wishing she could hug her father, but not wanting her movements to disturb Will.

Sadie made a loud honking noise as she blew her nose, and Deborah noticed her aunt had thick, black streaks of mascara running down her cheeks.

“Are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine.” She wiped her face with the soggy tissue then grabbed another before patting Moses on the knee. “Now go upstairs and get a bath. Change clothes too.” She blew her nose again. “You stink.”

Her father didn’t say anything, just got up and left the room. As he moved past Deborah, he touched her shoulder for a brief instant, then walked away.

Deborah wiped her own cheeks with the back of her hand. “What did you say to him?”

Sadie dabbed at the corners of her eyes. “Not much. I’ve never seen Moses like this before, even when our parents passed. He’s grievin’ hard, Deborah, and he needs you.” She looked at Will’s sleeping form. “He needs that little ray of sunshine too. This place could use some cheering up, pronto.”

“But Naomi’s here. Hasn’t she noticed how
Daed’s
been acting?”

“Who knows? Your sister has always been caught up in herself. I doubt she’s noticed much of anything around here, except maybe some stray dust that must be attacked immediately or the world will end.”

Deborah glanced down at Will, then looked back at her aunt. “I don’t want to be too hard on her either. She’s lost
Mami
too.” She didn’t tell her aunt what Naomi had told their father. She wanted to give her sister the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Naomi truly thought Deborah couldn’t come home, but Deborah couldn’t understand that reasoning. Still, she didn’t see the need to widen the divide between her aunt and sister.

“You’re right.” She stood up and walked over to her suitcase. “Moses said I could have Naomi’s room upstairs, but he’s not thinking straight. I don’t want to upset her applecart any more than I already have. I’ll just stay in a motel tonight.”

Deborah’s brows shot up. “
Nee
,
Aenti
. You don’t have to do that. You can stay in my room.”

“And displace you and Will? I don’t think so. A motel will suit me fine. I need my little luxuries anyway. Air-conditioning and cable TV for starters.” Her red mouth split into a grin. “After breakfast tomorrow I’ll take you and Will to Wal-Mart so you can get a bed for him.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded. “Yep. I’ll stay on a couple of days, but then I have to head back home. I only took a couple days off. My boss will have my hide if I’m gone any longer than that.”

“I appreciate you bringing me. And talking to
Daed
.” If Will wasn’t fast asleep in her lap, she would have jumped up and hugged her. She had to settle for hugging her son instead.

Chapter 5

E
arly Tuesday morning, soon after dawn, Ruth steered her buggy down the gravel drive that led to the schoolhouse. The twitter of birds chirping filled the air as they flapped their wings between the large oak trees. Her horse, Casey, whinnied, shaking his chestnut-colored tail. With the exception of the gaping hole in the plain white schoolhouse, life seemed completely normal. She sighed. Yesterday she was supposed to start teaching. Today, she would be picking up the pieces. Literally.