A Glimpse of the Dream (11 page)

Simon pulled the covers from my head with a quick flick of his wrist, the sunlight streaming in through the windows. I now understood how vampires felt when hit with sunlight.

“Stop.” I grabbed for the blanket. He was faster and pulled it clear off the bed.

“You’re getting up today.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Damn it, you are not spending another minute mourning for that asshole.”

“I wish it were that easy.”

Settling on the bed, he brushed my hair from my face. “I know you’re hurting, but you’ve got to get past it and him.”

“I don’t know how. He was family, Simon. After my parents died, he became my family. Whatever happened in my world, I knew it would be okay as long as I had Kane. He saved me when I was younger; he pulled me from my despair. I never saw this coming. There were never any warning signs, no indication at all that he was feeling restless. He asked me to marry him four months ago, got down on one knee and pledged himself to me. How do you find someone else after that? I don’t understand. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know why I wasn’t good enough.”

“Fucking asshole. He’s the one not good enough. He’s the one who did something wrong, not you. The way I see it, it’s better to learn now the kind of man he is and not after you have kids and a house.”

“I wanted kids and a house with him. I really, really wanted that.”

The anger arrived days later. Pulling out every stitch of clothing I owned, I tossed all the pieces he had given me. The few T-shirts I had of his—the ones I’d taken so I could feel him with me—I burned. I deleted his messages on my phone. I tore up the pictures I brought with me. All but one. My plan was to use it as a dartboard.

And even as my rage burned through me, I mourned. What if I never got past this? What if I couldn’t find my way without him? How quickly life could turn. I’d loved Kane, and now I hated him. And yet, it didn’t make me feel any better.

Maybe if I hadn’t worked so hard, or if I hadn’t gone away, or if I had stayed close, he wouldn’t have lost interest. Had I brought this on myself?

As I sat in class, the teacher was talking about something, but I just couldn’t pay attention. A couple sitting a few rows in front of me had their heads together talking. Kane and I used to do that, especially at dinner or when we were forced to go to church. We’d always found a way to make a situation fun. It was easy, because we just genuinely liked each other. Even before there was romance, we had been the best of friends. He knew me better than anyone, including my parents. He was the one I always ran to.

Had I known my friendship with him would be put on the line by falling in love, I may not have allowed myself to feel that way for him. Boyfriends came and went, but a best friend, someone who knew all of your secrets, was rare. I had been lucky because Kane had been both to me, but that had proved to be remarkably unlucky, because in losing one, I had lost the other.

Starting Over

Teagan

The long road to Raven’s Peak loomed before me. I didn’t want to return, but Mrs. Marks was throwing me a graduation party. Despite the memories I so wanted to avoid, she and the others were the only family I had. I wanted to see them and share my accomplishment with them.

In the years since learning about Kane, I’d made excuse after excuse for why I couldn’t come home. I even went so far as to find summer work in Boston to avoid summers in Maine. I knew Kane was no longer living at Raven’s Peak, but Raven’s Peak was synonymous with him. There were just too many memories there to haunt me. Mrs. Marks had tried to persuade me to visit home, but every time I thought about packing a bag, I couldn’t.

We spoke on the phone all the time. Mrs. T and Mr. Clancy and I exchanged e-mails regularly, but physically going home, until now, had just been too damn hard. I had invited them to come to Boston, but they were older now, so I knew the journey was too much for them. And even knowing this, it still hurt that they never made the trip. Especially since they had made the trip for Kane when he’d moved out.

Even with the perspective of almost four years, I hadn’t bounced back as well as I should have. Simon had insisted I see a therapist, and she helped me realize I wasn’t coping well. I needed closure. I needed to understand how I’d lost not just my boyfriend but my best friend. And until I understood how I could have lost both so completely, I was adrift and afraid that I’d never be able to hold on to another relationship.

If not for Simon, I think I would have done something really stupid once the reality of my life had settled in. I almost flunked out that first year. My focus on my schoolwork had cost me Kane, and I’d almost failed out anyway. Ironic.

Pulling around the circular drive, I slammed the car into park, but I couldn’t seem to get myself to leave it. I didn’t want to go inside, where all those memories were just waiting to bombard me. I wasn’t staying long—a few weeks to get the rest of my stuff packed and then I was gone, back to Boston and my new life. Simon and I were getting a place together and starting a business. Antiques. Mrs. Marks was thrilled with this idea, especially because she loved all things old. Simon’s parents insisted on purchasing us the building we had our eyes on. His father was a retired investment banker, and his mother a very successful event planner. They were very nice people, if a little uptight. But they adored their son. He believed they’d offered to buy us the building due to their lingering guilt about not handling the news of him being gay well. I wasn’t so sure that was the case; I think it was just love for their son. Either way, having that financial burden removed from our shoulders was very much appreciated.

I climbed from the car, then grabbed my bags and headed for the door. As was his way, Mr. Clancy pulled the door open before I’d even knocked. “Welcome home, Teagan.”

I dropped my bags, then wrapped him in my arms. “Hi.”

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m okay.”

“Congratulations—graduating with honors. Mrs. Marks hasn’t stopped bragging.”

It was true, after that first year, I’d dedicated myself completely to my schoolwork and managed to not only pull my grades up but to graduate with honors. I was proud of myself. I did it for myself, and yet I still hadn’t quite found happiness again.

“How is she?” I asked. Mrs. Marks had taken Kane’s defection almost as hard as I had.

A slight hesitation followed my question, and when he did answer he sounded almost curt. Odd. “She’s fine. Come, let me show you to your room.”

“Could I have another room? I don’t think I’m ready to be in there yet. Too many memories.”

Sadness swept his expression, but the other emotion I saw, anger, surprised me. Before I could ask what he was thinking, he said, “I understand. I’ll make up the lavender room for you. Leave your bags at the stairs. Come, Mrs. Marks is waiting for you.”

“I’ll help you make the bed,” I offered almost absently, because there was something I just had to ask. “Mr. Clancy?”

He turned back to me. “Yes?”

“Why did you all go with Kane to help him settle into his new apartment, but no one came with me to settle me into my dorm?”

Pain flashed over his face this time. A deep pain that was startling to see. “Are you okay?” I asked.

His hand shook as he reached for my arm. He started to say something and then stopped himself. “He needed us more than you did. And, honestly, we had the sense you wanted to take that step without us, but, had you asked, we all would have been there.”

He wasn’t wrong that I’d wanted to take that step without them. After learning that Kane wasn’t joining me for a few months, I’d made the decision to try to make it on my own, needed to know I could. But I didn’t agree with his comment that Kane needed them more. Kane was way more self-sufficient than me. And then the thought popped into my head:
What if he hadn’t been as careful with Doreen and had gotten her pregnant?
My stomach twisted painfully, and I wished I’d kept my mouth shut.

“Never mind,” I whispered.

Mr. Clancy shook his head. A heaviness fell over him that hadn’t been there before.

I wanted to cry—the idea that Kane could have a child, a family—I just wanted to cry. Instead, I put on my game face and pushed my ugly thoughts away, because they really could just be ugly thoughts. I didn’t know anything about Kane’s life now. Mrs. Marks was waiting. She was sitting in the reading room, a pretty room done completely in white embossed wallpaper, with pastel-toned furniture and dark walnut floors.

“Teagan, you’re home.” She stood to hug me. Even in her late seventies, she still moved around like a woman half her age. “How are you?”

“Okay.” Miserable, heartbroken, and sick in the stomach at the possibility that Kane had a child with someone else.

“We’ve missed you. Staying in touch through the phone and e-mail is wonderful, but it isn’t the same as face-to-face. I know why you stayed away for so long, though I wish you hadn’t.”

“It was too hard to come home. Even now, it hurts being here.”

“I . . . about Kane.”

“Please. I don’t want to talk about him.” I really didn’t need to know any more than the basics. He’d found someone else and moved on. Enough said.

“It’s just, oh, Teagan, I wish you knew everything.”

“I don’t care to know everything. He moved on, and that’s what I’m trying to do. Please, Mrs. Marks, it’s hard enough being back here. Putting Kane front and center in my thoughts is going to make this so much harder.”

She nodded in understanding but looked conflicted, angry.

I changed the subject. “You look pretty. Is that a new dress?” I asked.

“New for me.”

Mrs. Marks wore only vintage, didn’t like herself in anything made after 1930. Her salt-and-pepper hair was always pulled up in a Gibson Girl–style bun, and her feet were always in small heels of some kind. I’d asked her about it once, and she replied that life was short and so one needed to live each day to the fullest. She loved heels and, though she never really had a cause to wear them, she wore them anyway. Remembering the conversation I’d shared with Mr. Clancy about Mrs. Marks’s brothers, I understood her desire to live each day like it was her last.

She gestured to a chair and waited for me to sit before she followed. Mrs. T appeared, wheeling a tea tray.

“Teagan.”

“Mrs. T.” She hugged me for so long, and her eyes searched mine when she pulled back. But it was when she pressed her hand to my cheek that I nearly lost it. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed being home until that moment. Mrs. T stepped back and immediately busied herself with making the tea.

I was happy to see Mrs. T and Mr. Clancy take a chair, but the feeling was tempered by the odd atmosphere in the room, which I attributed to the glaring absence of Kane. Even Mrs. Marks seemed affected, uncomfortable or maybe nervous. Her hands twisted in her lap, and her focus shifted a few times to the sofa where Mrs. T and Mr. Clancy were sitting. And then she said, “So tell us all about this idea of yours for an antique shop.”

Two nights later, I couldn’t sleep with the memories pushing to get in, to be remembered. And, while trying to hold them back was exhausting, I still couldn’t find sleep. The party earlier had been lovely—Mrs. Marks and the others had gone to a lot of work, but celebrating without Kane felt wrong. And I knew I wasn’t the only one to feel it. He didn’t even come home to celebrate my achievement, even though he had been more excited for me than I had been when I got my acceptance letter. How thoroughly he’d removed himself from my life. What I found even more unbelievable was how he had distanced himself from Mrs. Marks and the others. Avoiding me I understood; it hurt, but I understood. Knowing how much Mrs. Marks and the others loved him, I thought it seemed cruel for him to distance himself from them too.

Climbing from bed, I pulled on a robe and headed downstairs. I was just passing the large terrace doors that overlooked the ocean when I noticed a light on the water. A light that appeared to be coming from the island that Kane and I had often snuck off to. Anger filled me. The intensity of it was surprising. Had Mrs. Marks sold her island? Even so, how dare someone claim that land? It was Kane’s and mine, even though those dreams had died long ago. Without even a conscious thought, I grabbed a flashlight, flew out of the house and ran down to the small boat docked on the beach.

The engine moved me across the water and, even though it was dark, as I got closer I realized the light was for a house—a house built on our spot. I wanted to rage. Why couldn’t things just be left as they were? Why couldn’t I have that one private reminder of Kane and all that he had been to me? I knew I was being unreasonable, but I didn’t care.

Driving the boat right up onto the shore, I climbed out and stalked to the house. As I approached, I heard a crash, followed by muffled swearing. I knocked on the front door, and a woman in her midtwenties answered. She was pretty, with long blond hair and green eyes that looked annoyed or maybe overwhelmed.

“Can I help you?”

What could I say to her?
Get off. This is my land, not yours.
I just stood there, staring at the woman living in a house that was built in the exact place where Kane and I had first made love. Embarrassed by my behavior, I started to turn away, and then I heard another curse, and this time there was no mistaking that voice. My breath froze in my throat as I pushed into the living room—it had been tossed. Had there been a fight? A movement caught my attention just as a man stepped into view. His black hair was long and messy, falling over his shoulders. His strong jaw and upper lip sported a five-o’clock shadow that had been allowed to grow an extra few days. Wide shoulders, flat stomach, and narrow hips—the body of man. The room pitched, and I felt my vision dim around the edges. Kane. There was no recognition on his face at the sight of me, but that barely registered, because in that moment the most profound sense of anger tore through me, like sharp talons sinking into my flesh.

“Kane. What a pleasant surprise. I thought you moved away, so eager to be free you left in a hurry, severing all ties in the process.”

Shock flashed over his face. “Teagan. What are you doing here?”

A coldness settled over me when I heard the hardness in his voice. He was calling me Teagan still. Moving back from him like I’d been burned, I just stared, unable to understand the coldness that was directed at me.

“Shouldn’t that be my question? You’re the one who took off.”

As he looked at me, his eyes, those beautiful eyes that had only ever looked at me with love, were not even bothering to connect.

“Why are you back?” Bitterness rang in my tone.

“Always loved it here, never intended to stay away for long.”

“And me, did you plan on seeing me again? You may not have wanted me anymore, but we were friends once. There was a graduation party earlier today. Couldn’t bother to get your ass up to the house to see your onetime BFF?”

“Thought it’d be easier this way, a clean break. We didn’t want the same things.”

I couldn’t get my brain around any of this. The man standing before me, who looked like the boy I loved, was not at all the boy I loved. “We got engaged, seems to me we were pretty much on the same page.”